Most of those so-and-so's went on to be very successful men.... but whatever.
El Capitan: he had a type. A few months ago I saw a blog comment and then emailed that person - knowing that she was mostly likely the girl who dated El Capitan before me. She was.
We talked for well over an hour - it was incredibly interesting. Most notably, she told me that years ago when she saw a picture of me from our first Christmas card, she was struck by how much we 'looked alike'.
Aside from Yoga Girl's Ugly Baby Teeth, I had the same thoughts when I first saw her. El Capitan definitely has a type.... which I think is why it's so hard for me to wrap my brain around *why* this happened.
His ex is funny and bold and well spoken.... she's not afraid to share her opinion and .... she seemed to be a lot like me. I imagine someone who is willing to lay down with another woman's husband must be rather bold in her own way......
So why leave me for her? Why not upgrade? If I was going to lose my ability to watch my children grow and laugh and smile on a daily basis - I sure as sh*t would be getting an upgrade on the deal. Mind you, I handled the negotiations on the purchase of our home and both of our new cars.... oh, and our divorce. Perhaps El Capitan will let me handpick the next 'Yoga Girl'.... surely I would do a better job. For a start, I would set the bar a little higher than *harlot*. Just sayin'........
So that had me thinking about me. I'm oddly at peace with things. Which is odd..... if you believe the opinion of my First Grade teacher, then you would think I've always been a bit 'boy crazy'. I can't say that I've ever been as choosy as I should have been..... mind you - my past isn't littered with a slew of sh*tty men... kind of just one, to be frank. The others were nice, things didn't work out.... there's only one that 'got away'.
Got away because I was a bitch and I made some mistakes. Mistakes my heart paid for dearly... but, that's for another post, another time.
It's struck me as a bit odd that I haven't been more upset by my newly single status. Mind you, I would fight like hell to go back in time and stop the douchebaggery clock from ticking - stop the end of the family and the demise of the man I thought was my soul mate. I would fight for him, fight for my kids..... fight for us.
But that's the thing right f*cking there..... I'm *tired* of fighting. I'm tired of making all the decisions, tired of making sure things get done... tired of being the man in my relationship. So tired.
I want someone who will *love* my kids. Who wouldn't trade in time with them for more time on an X-box.
I want someone who knows what power is and wields it to the benefit of our family.
I want someone who understands how to protect me, how to shelter me.
I want someone who is tall and strong... not like Jacob strong all ripped and stuff (as if that kind of guy would want me... but I digress....), big and tall and meaty.
I want someone with a big chest to bury my face in and get lost in.
I want someone who see's me for *me*.
I want someone who will celebrate me.
I want someone who knows what forever means and wants it as much as I do.
I want someone to wrap me in his arms and hold me and when he does that I'll feel like my heart is safe again.
I'm open to that. Kind of. I think I'll know when I meet him.... whoever he is. And if there isn't a 'him' and I'm just destined to walk alone, then I'm okay with that, too. Frankly, I feel like I already compromised and lost everything, settled for someone I had to fight for everyday... and losing that battle isn't something I will ever do (or put my children through) again.
This sounds completely stupid... but, it's like I think that he is out there somewhere already. Like, I don't *need* to be worried about any of it... that it'll come together whenever it should. I'm fine that with.
Right now I have my hands full with two beautiful babies who need all of my time and attention. They have been really struggling these last few weeks... the coming holidays will be very good for us, I need more time with them. More time to do crafts and read and snuggle. Just... more time.
Writing the book was good... but it was hard on them - I was checked out emotionally for about three weeks - but I had to stay "there" in that dark place to be able to write about it. I had to go that place alone - and live through it again and I think that in doing that - I've come out the other side with a little bit of an understanding of how we got to where we are. Which is amazing.
El Capitan was over today... he's changed so much. Wears a short faux-hawk that swoops a bit to one side, wears trendy jeans (after years of telling me he'd only wear carpenter jeans) and fancy shoes. He does things like take the kids to museums and out for Froyo. Froyo... I literally laughed out loud when he texted me that. Froyo. Trendy hipster stuff... the kind of stuff *he* used to make fun of - make fun of other people for doing... and here he is: doing it all.
There he stood in the kitchen, the children playing at our feet, nearly two weeks since they've last seen him, most of that time he wasn't calling, returning calls or texts... and here he stands, as though nothing is wrong, nothing ever happened. And I play along, because... what's the harm? What's the harm in letting the children squeal with joy when they see him at the door and run to him with their open, trusting arms? What's the harm in making polite, non-confrontational conversation? What's the harm in the children seeing us take equal joy in the 'store' The Boy built to sell Christmas stuff in the hallway?
There's only harm to me... more hurt for my heart, more questions in my eyes that go unanswered... but in doing that, there's no harm to the children. The fragility of their world stay's unharmed for that moment and that's what matters most. May be he's not able/willing/capable of protecting the children from his poor decision making.... but I am, I can and I will.
I could have flipped my nut right there and screamed about where the hell he'd been and such... but to what end? I would certainly have no more answers than I have right now - I would have set in motion a day with their Father that would be fraught with tension.... they deserve better than that.
I've learned that I can't protect myself and I can't always protect the children from a lot of what El Capitan does.... but wherever I can protect them I should.
So off they went, skipping out to the car, excited and happy. Dark days have come and no doubt darker days will come again and again and again.... but in the middle we all have to find a way to move forward, even if inch by inch because I have a little girl who loves her Daddy and for as long as that can stay in tact, it should.
That also becomes my job......
Like I said, *next time*, if there ever is a next time, it's going to have to be a strong man who can protect me, who wants to shield me from the bad in life, who wants to create that safe place for my heart. I won't settle again for someone who is just content to let me do all that for myself.
It's clear that El Capitan doesn't know what he wants... or at least he wants me to believe that. I know what I want, what I really really want: protection.
I think it's what every woman wants... to feel fully protected from the world and safe. Who knows - may that someone is reading this blog right now..... may be they don't exist at all.... but somehow, I have a kind of peace in just knowing what it is I want in the future, even if I never have it.
Mind you, it's hard to miss somt