That pretty much sums up my day.
For the last month or so I've tried to limit talking to El Capitan to be when I see him to drop off the kids/pick them up.... but then those time are tense and depending on what's happening we fight.
On the one hand..... I do understand that El Capitan is free to move on with his life - we are divorced and I am no longer his wife. My personal stake in his life disappeared with a judges blessing months ago. That doesn't, however, take away the pain, the loss and the problems that come with losing everything I had in this life.
El Capitan - since this first started - has just wanted to "move on". Going back several months to when I first found out about her, it was like once I knew about it - once he "said sorry" and once he had moved out - he moved on and I was supposed to be able to do that, too.
For him.... he's moved on. He gets to live in their apartment - where they *have* a life. He tries to deny this, he tries to tell me that he hardly see's her, blah blah blah. I know that's not the truth. Friends see them around town, shopping or out for dinner.
He goes *insane* when people (as he calls it) "report back" to me. I try to explain to him that I don't' think people are "reporting back" to me so much as the are just..... shocked. It's one thing to hear me say that he cheated, to read about it online or follow my facebook updates, but it's another thing to *see* it with your own eyes.
I've said it a thousand times, but this *was* a good man. This *was* a good Father.... I had the kind of husband that other Moms were a bit jealous of - he never complained about being home alone with them, or getting them their baths (not that he ever did that... lol) - or making them dinner on his own. He *was* the kind of Dad who was very hands on and spent time with them.
But..... months, even years, before I found out about Yoga Girl, he was systematically starting to 'check out'. Looking back, I can now clearly see the signs.... freaking hindsight. Why are you so clear *now*? I can now see the cracks in our happy foundation were there not long after The Girl was born.
Mind you, he never said anything. We never fought.... hardly ever. We got along day in and day out....we always said 'I love you' and talked dozens of times a day. We went on family vacations, we had a sex life, we laughed and had *great* kids who were very much on the same page about how to raise.
Then suddenly, there wasn't a "we", there was only a 'me'.
I think that that is why I still feel like there's stuff to talk about - stuff to argue about - things I want him to know. Because he had years and months and WEEKS to prepare emotionally - to let go and to make 'ok' his choices in our family..... no doubt, like anyone, he convinced himself that our marriage was "over" and that having sex with Yoga Girl on her emerald green comforter surrounded by her collection of DVDS and Audrey Hepburn black and white photos was 'fine'. *******(PLEASE NOTE - READ BELOW*****)
It's like taking a long bath.... you can lay there and add more and more hot water - and even when the water is scalding hot - because you've added a little bit at a time, your body adjusts to the heat. So, while it doesn't seem that hot to you, when someone else walks up to get it- they might get 'burned' because the temperature is too high and they haven't had time to adjust.
that's me.... dropped in the deep end of the scalding water of his infidelity..... getting burned.
So fast forward to now, I'm still standing around, skin peeling off from the heat and he's.... fine. And it's not fair to me that we only "talk" when the kids are around - it's a recipe for disaster for all four of us. So today, fraught with anger of a few issue's as of late - I thought we should talk about it. Away from the kids - at a time when it wouldn't taint his time with the kids setting them off for their time together in disgruntled tone.
Needless to say... it didn't go well.
I explained that lately I'm angry and really struggling with having to give up photography and find a "real job". It's not that I resent having to 'work', perse - I've been working my ass off this *entire* marriage. i worked at least 40 hours a week.... but, now that I have to have benefits and whatnot.... photography just isn't stable and reliable and consistent enough income for me to rebuild a financial foundation on that will support me and the kids.
I'm really angry about that. *WE* decided that I would pack in my wedding photography (which is reliable and stable enough) - because we wanted me to home-school the boy and whatnot..... I guess what I'm really angry about is that while I thought *we* were making decisions and choices based on being a family..... *he* was making choices to the contrary.
I'm freaking pissed about that. Really.
So, I tried to explain - and without "accusing" or blaming... but just saying - hey, you want to "move on", but you don't realize that every single day MY life is affected by what you've done. It's changed everything - and, most of all, it's changed *how* I can mother the children. THAT is the thing that makes me the angriest... THAT is truly the thing that hurts the most.
He doesn't really understand it... why should he? He gets to get up - free from sleeping in a double bed where there is frequently a wet spot, he gets to sh*t, shower and shave on his own.... not while two small people stand there talking in stereo about the color of the moon, the Spirit store and debate the value of Jake and The Neverland Pirates. (One day I'm going to blow their little minds and show them "HOOK"... lolol).
He gets to go to work in clean clothes, free from snotty noses that bury themselves nipple high, He gets to drive to work listening to whatever heavy metal band he wants to .... ironically- he's always been a huge fan of TOOL - which.... makes me giggle just a little now. I, however, get to listen to The Fresh Beat Band for the billionth time while they argue because one of them wants to Loco Legs again and the other wants Go Bananas.
My day is two kids and snotty noses and errands and work and running and work and more errands and homeschooling and board games and reading and.... *may be* just a little bit of 'me' time if I can remember to lock the bathroom door...... usually I forget and it'll swing open mid piss.
He doesn't *get* that.... he doesn't understand that I find it really annoying that the only kid he has to raise is the 22 year old he's banging.... though, no doubt he must tired of playing Daddy for her as well.... be warned Yoga Girl, he tires of that roll quicker than you would think.
So today I started off trying to talk to him about that... as though if he could understand why I'm angry and hurt and upset - that that might help me. Obviously... that was a dumb idea. But again... freaking hindsight.
Instead we got into the mother of all fights because El Capitan is *convinced* that I have people "following" him. He say's he's been 'doubling back' and going around the block several times - everywhere he goes so that he can 'lose' them.....
Huh? Wah.......? He's been accusing me of this for MONTHS... since early July. No matter what I say and do he seems to believe that I have a band of Stealth Soccer Moms who have nothing better to do with their time but follow El Capitan around town for the purpose of reporting back to me where he goes....
Mind you - this is also the same person who screams at me that he has "no life" and that all he does is "work" so the kids and I have money.... blah blah blah. So it begs the question... where are these band of rogue mothers following him?
I tell him over and over and over - that NO ONE is following him. He grew up in this town - we have lived in this town our entire marriage - so.... if you take your new girlfriend out in the same place we've lived, and you go the same places *we* used to go to... it seems totally logical that he and Yoga Girl are going to be "seen" by people *we* once knew.... by our collective friends.
People who were our friends.... people who, when faced with seeing El Capitan flirting and putting his arm around a 22 year old are... shocked. It's one thing to read about it - and it's another thing to see it.
So..... our conversation quickly hit the skids and El Capitan was screaming - like, that kind of screaming that distorts your voice through the phone - that ... if he *ever* is out in public and see's *anyone* we know - my friends, our friends - or even his own friends.... that he's going to "f*ck them up."
Yup, for over 25 minutes, he screamed at me that I'm having people follow him..... and he's going to "teach" them all a lesson.... that he'll get the "therapy" he needs by kicking their collective asses.
When I tell him he's talking crazy.... when I tell him over and over and over that we live in a fairly small town - and yeah... people kind of *know* what has happened and that it's not totally INSANE to think that he's truly just bumping into people .... he just screams and yells and threatens more.
He was never like this. Some guys are 'fighters'.... El Capitan is not a 'fighter'. He's not the kind of guy who finds a fight every Friday at the bar, or walks around big and bad and tough like..... So I'm at a loss for why he's been acting like this for months.
He's threatened to "beat up" my friends before - if he found them following him, but I ignored it. I really don't think he would do that ... honestly - that's just *not* who he is.
I ask him how he intends to parent from a jail cell.... and I ask him how the hell I'm supposed to co-parent with someone who acts like this.....
I'm sure he feels the same way - how can he co-parent with someone who just can't "move on". 'He's already swimming... adjusted to our new hot waters - and he's enjoying it. Going out for dinner with her, going shopping... which I secretly find hilarious because he's *still* denying to many of his own friends the actual identity of Yoga Girl - so how does he never worry that none of *them* will see them together and know he's been lying to them about who she is for MONTHS.....
When I pointed that out.... he said he wouldn't limit kicking ass just to my friends - but to all our friends - mine, mutual and his if he sees them out in public because he knows that they are only there to "follow" him.
If you ask me - he's pretty angry... and I don't understand why. He got what he wanted. He wanted out - he got out. He wanted to be with her... he is. I'm not sure what he's so angry about.....
To be clear...... I have not, nor would I *ever* ask any of my friends to follow El Capitan. Period. I would also like to point out that none of my friends have *time* to do such a thing... they are busy being MOMS to their family, running errands and cooking dinner and making cute crafts off Pintrest and ..... being happy.
The craziest part is that I have no *need* to follow him anywhere..... it's not like I suspected an affair and starting following him.... it all kind of fell in my lap. So, what good would i gain from having anyone follow him? It just doesn't even make sense......
Of course, while he was screaming at me, threatening to beat up everyone he see's because now he feels like he needs to 'protect' himself..... from who - soccer Moms? ooohhhhkkkaaayyyyy.... I was kind of a bitch and pointed out to him that all they would have to do with put a spider on their shoulder and he would run the other way.... lol El Captain *really* hates spiders. Like, in the list of things I look forward to one day having, other than security and a partnership with someone who values me as a Mother and wife.... it's going to be a fine f*cking day when I can call out for someone to come and kill a big nasty spider - and that someone comes to do it.
I can't help but feel like Alice - falling down that black hole once again - surrounded by craziness.....clean cup, move down...... clean cup, move down - and now we're adding "off with their heads" to the insanity.
*sigh* Once again... for the record, I'm not, nor do I have any friends "following" anyone. Mind you.... if *did* have friends who were stealth enough to follow him around town "reporting" back on where he eats food and goes shopping... how totally fantastic would that be? lol Like.... a slightly more overweight version of Charlie's Angels - sans any kind of martial arts training, weapons or.... 70s music playing in the background. It'd be more Swagger Wagons filled with screaming kids, discarded fast food bags and suckers stuck to the carpet with the latest Laurie Berkner CD blaring out the window Hardly the stuff that spies are made of... bwahahaha.
*********It came to my attention that I need to clarify *why* I know what Yoga Girls' bedroom looks like. When I FIRST found out about her, her facebook page was PUBLIC. It was not locked and ALL of it's photos were also PUBLIC. I actually TEXTED her TWO TIMES when the sign went International news telling her to change her facebook profile to PRIVATE so that journalists wouldn't find her and her photos. IN HER ALBUMS, she had pictures of her entire apartment and her bedroom... because that's what college kids do- they take pictures of their first apartments because they are proud of them.... THAT is how I know. LESSON KIDS: don't put up sh*t on facebook that you don't want the WORLD to see. lol*****************