I often feel like the kids and I get a few feet down the road towards healing and the whatever kind of future we're goign to have... and then I get sucker punched by some new "truth" of my situation that I did not yet know.... and suddely, we're all sliding backwards all the way back to square one.
It's like a really effed up game of Douche and Ladders... and I'm always sliding on the douche part.
I won't share the latest..... but ... it's a doozy.
The hardest part is that I feel like I'm two people. In the first place, I'm still my kids Mom and I'm always having to organize drop off and pick up and what day of the week that El Capitan will see the kids. I'm The Mom who has to deal with The Boy who *knows* that his Dad lives with a girlfriend and spends more time with her than he does with us.
Just two weeks ago we had a rough visit. When I went to pick up the kids The Girl was DIS.TRAUGHT. She was crying and screaming.... "Daddy, don't go.... I want to stay with Daddy..... I want Daddy......".
El Capitan doesn't realy know what to do when the kids do this... then he gets mad that I won't "help". However, *I* deal with the children and their emotions ALL THE TIME because I'm the once tucking them in at night... and I'm the one getting up early with them, playing with them...... I'm the one here *parenting* them all the time .... I'm the one handling these questions frequently - and what do I say? "Yes, ______ I see that Dad's choices are making you sad. I'm sorry about that. Can you tell me how many people love? OR Can you tell me how many people think you are special? (and then they list Daddy - I say - "Yes he does!") ..... but then on the one occasion of the week that El Capitan is faced with the emotional trainwreck of our 3 year old melting down in the Mall - well.... I kind of think he needs to deal with that on his own. *HE* needs to talk to his child and talk out her emotions. *HE* needs to say the things I say like... "I see that you're really sad right now - and I know that you are sad because I don't live with you anymore and I'm sorry about that."
But.... he doesn't.
Instead he gets pissed at me because I'm not "stepping up" and handling The Girl. My point is that The Girl doesn't need to be "handled" ... she needs to be LOVED and REASSURED and CALMED. There *is* a difference.
So, after The Girl had a blow out... then El Capitan and I had a blow out.... though *his* version later is that I say "vile" things to him to "rile" him up and get him upset and piss him off.... of course when I point out that he *did* a vile thing ... well - then he get's mad and tells me that I just need to stop "throwing that in his face". by "that" he means- the affair.
Anyway..... we get in the car and The Boy say's to The Girl, "________ - you have to stop crying...... [and just as I'm leaning back to tell him that it's ok if The Girl cries - he continues...] - you have to stop because you know that Daddy doesn't want to come home with us. Daddy wants to live with his girlfriend..... it doesn't mean he doesn't love us - but he doesn't want to live with us."
Yup.... and *THAT'S* right about the time that a hole - a giant, gapping hole blew right through my sole...... I mean - soul. No, really, I was gutted. What do I say? Did he *say* that because he heard me on the phone? Have I "influenced" him against his Dad?
The Girl settled down as soon as big brother started playing games and making goofy faces at her.... I CANNOT tell you how thankful I am for their relationship..... We got home and I called the counselor, concerned that damage had been done to The Boy to have him say such a thing to his baby sister and what the hell was I going to go and how the hell was I going to fix it.....?
She listened to the hysterical fiasco and then I told her what The Boy had said and I asked her what I should do.... she replied, "What can you do? Nothing. He's 7 - children at 7 know when they aren't being picked for the 'kick-ball' team, they know when other kids play a game and they aren't invited to join. His father moved out, got a new 'family' and he's not currently invited..... you can't fix it because you didn't do it. You can't hide it from him because he's living it. You can only reassure him that he is loved by everyone involved and leave it at that."
I just want to make it go away... for all of us. I want to make it better.... but, how much "better" can I make this? I can't change what has happened.... though I really, really wish I could.
So.... then the Mom half of me gets to hurt twice as much watching each child move through this situation in pain and in tears..... and then the Ex-Wife part of me STILL gets hurt over and over and over by more and more "truths" that come to light. Each truth sends me spiraling back and each and very time - it sadly drags the kids with me. :(
So today, as much time as possible was spent reading and snuggling and donig things the kids wanted to do.... I know that the best thing I can do right now is give them *me* - my time, my words, my laughter - even if I have to fake it a little..... because, my kids are pretty damn funny. lol - but.... they just need me - even if I feel a bit like the Bernie - propped up on a couch, sunglasses on to hide the puffy eyes and popcorn and juice boxes littered at my feet... a PG and emotional 'Weekend at Bernie's' that's all my own.... lolol
I'm not sure ... but I'm starting to wonder if the hole isn't a hole at all... but rather it's the start of the two halves of me ripping apart..... anyone got any duct tape?