That seems crazy - and so un-celabrated ..... I think I need to have some kind of 'divorce party' - Jenny-Jen-Jen should get on that. lol
There's all this pomp and circumstance for all the other occasions in your life: graduation parties, baby showers, bachelorette showers.... where the people provide you with gifts and money and advice all for the benefit of your future.
Get divorced and it'll *cost* you money and frankly.... a lot of the advice you get is utter sh*te. Yes, yes - it would have been totally hilarious to pile up El Capitans stuff on the front lawn, p*ss on it and set it ablaze and post *that* picture on facebook.... but I didn't do that and I don't think most sane people would.
Having said that - there is nothing 'sane' or 'right mind' about someone who just found out their spouse has commited an act of totall intimacy with someone else... really - that will eff you in ways you never knew it would. Even still..... I packed things up in proper boxes and bags and took it storage.
Honestly - this whole thing is so much to take on and so much to get over - can you *imagine* how much worse it would be if I were setting fire to things? It doesn't change anything - doesn't make anything any better - but it would have made me a worse person... of that, I'm sure.
As it is - I'm the 'crazy fat lady' who got dumped and put a sign in her yard.... lol. I think I already have enough explaining to do with the kids as it is - though... even El Capitan was a teeny-tiny bit excited when we were page 8 in the National Enquirer - hahaha. We're just two people effing up our lives in spectacular style - obviously..... but I never thought our funny sign out get this kind of attention.
So, the last few months have been cluttered with pain and the painful remnants of a life gone horribly, horribly wrong. Every time I thought I made a few strides forward..... I would step in a big pile of Yoga Girl and collapse in a teary heap. There's all the worry with the divorce process - will it go ok? Will we end up fighting with lawyers and money spent that we don't have to start with? What will happen to the kids?
Then there was packing, cleaning and selling the house.... though I'm sure my buyers would point out that I could have done a better job on the cleaning part - sorry! lol ... but it just seemed like every single day was occupied by *things* that were time sensative and *had* to be done.
Now...my life is bereft of those things and I find it both comforting and .. odd.
Tonight I finished the last round of magnets to mail out. Each one has come with a thank you note - by *me* and only *me*. I don't know if people care - but I truly do want people to know how much I appreciate the fact that they bought a magnet. As my wise Grandmother alway's said, "$5.00 is $5.00 - but you save that up ten times and you have $50 and so on..... never discount the importance of $5.00".
Because of the kindness of strangers and their mutual interest in my sign, I have collected up *almost* enough money in magnets and gifts from The Noni and a very good friend (female... don't go getting any ideas out there!) - and a few very kind donations from some regular readers of the blog - to have squeezed enough pennies into dimes - and..... I'm currently starting to book things as we speak for The House of The Mouse!
So, this week is the first week since this whole ordeal happened that I don't have something do either for the divorce or the house or El Capitan. The divorce is final, our stuff is totally out of the house and it's sold.... so now - it's just me and the kids - and that giant elephant in the room (I hear the naysayers snickering...) - which is money. How the hell (long term) am I going to support us?
I feel like things are in a bit of a stalemate... stale - mate? Anyhow.... I just feel like of stuck. The studio is gone - and while I can still do outdoor work - living in Oregon will make that *very* difficult around the second week in November.... so I was realy hoping that Bitter House would take off - but that seems a bit slow right now. I'm still working on the book - which I'm kind of excited about, but it's not going to make me any kind of serious money - but I'm doing it for me.
I wish I had more time to stop and take it all in... I wish I had more time to sit with the children and just *be*. I wish I could put the world on pause.
Instead, my new single-Mommy mind is racing with what are we going to do? How am I going to make ends meet? Where are we going to live? What if I have to stop homeschooling? What if I lose The Boy to all this anger he's feeling......?
That last one is not an option.
Yesterday was about trying to get caught up on work I'd done over the summer.... the next few days I have a job doing some school photos - which is *awesome* - and thankfully The Bubbie will on Kiddos duty - for the drop offs and pick ups and whatnot. I don't know *how* single Mom's do this - work full time and raise a family. It's mind numbing to even think about it long term.
No - really. Mind numbing.
I'm not really political.... I think we're a fairly messed up country and whoever is leading it is not *nearly* as responsible for it's shambles as the people living in it - regardless of whichever party is in charge. But, while I *thought* I was happily married - I remember seeing a speech by Mitt Romney - and he went on and on about Single Mothers and welfare.... and I remember thinking at the time how it seemed like his numbers and his thoughts on the topic were wrong.... LIVING now as a Single Mother - I can assure you: he's wrong. lol
Sometimes, we don't see the struggle of someone else - unless we *see* their struggle. Unless we live it. Dare I say that Mitt Romney hasn't been a Single Mother - nor will be the sole custodial parent to his lovely wee brood of GOP voters. :) Frankly - I hope that's something that his family never knows.... intimately.
But it's a topic he *should* get to politicaly. Sure, sure.... it seems assinine to be planning the trip I'm planning - but, a few thousand dollars is NOT going to make any significant difference to our future. Truly: it's not.
Day care *alone* for my two kids - if I work full-time, is going to be well over $1,000 per month - which means that I have to make *at least* $18 - $20 per hour to pay for daycare, rent, car payment, car insurance, gas, utilities and food..... only - I'm not actually qualified to *do* anything that pays that kind of money.
At best, after 10 years of running my own photography studio I can hope for a job in customer service or working at a studio... but it's not likely to pay me that kind of money. And what about my future? What about saving for a retirement? lolololololol
The idea of that makes me laugh until my stomach actually hurts.
Oh - and don't *even* get me started on what I have to pay for health insurance right now.... holy crap.
Anyone have any fantastic ideas? lol... Any great careers that are "easy" to get in terms of amount of time spent in college - that will pay me enough to take care of us? I'm totally open to suggestions.
In the meantime.... I'm just going to keep swimming upstream and hope that eventually I hit the right current that takes us somewhere better - and... I'm just g