Tap, Tap, Tap.... is this thing on?

I think that, aside from all the other crap I talk about.... the *hardest* part of being "divorced" is *being* divorced.

Like.... El Capitan (who currently has another name with the adults in my life....) - he had alllll this time to get used to the idea of not being with me.  In fact, it's clearly something he wanted.  Something he planned and executed (although very poorly I might add).

But he had TIME.
I don't got sh*t.

I have no time.
No warning.
No freaking heads up - at all.

So in the end.... despite that fact that I wish his nethers would rot and fall off (not everyday, but right now I'm in a rotting mood) - it *still* bothers me not to talk to him.  Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not expecting to have those girly chats about work and all the people he claimed he hated at work becuase they were all "stupid" and he was 'sick of holding their hands" and "wiping their asses" - but... just the general - how are you?  Are you alive type chats.

Speaking of work..... there's a certain person who's really on my radar right now.  There is of course 'Ryan' who's complete and utter trashiness eventually permeated El Capitan: which I said it would.  He taught his toddler son to smack women's asses and say "nice gams".

No really.  So, before you judge me - trashy doesn't begin to cover it.

But Ryan's total attitude about family and life was as though everyone was beneath him - everyone was just lucky he showed up to work, and showed up at the party - and whatever.  His general verbiage was always nasty and negative and I noticed that the more El Capitan hung around with him - the more he started talking about us that way.

He started sending Ryan texts like , "Yeah... stuck with the fam all day.... yeah."
And I would call El Capitan out and say - why are you sending shit like that?  Then don't hang out with us - at this park/party/event.
It seemed like the more he hung out with Ryan the general douchebaggery of Ryan's behavior rubbed off on El Capitan.  THAT I saw coming and tried to stop, but El Capitan would shoe...shoeu... whatever - he would brush me off and tell me that he was just "telling Ryan what he wants to hear to keep him happy".

But I knew better. I knew over time - it wouldn't become a "lie" it would become a fact - a new point of view for El Capitan - and it did.

You tell a lie enough times and eventually you forget it was a lie to start with.

So, because Ryan wants to lead that too-coo-for-you thug life... he had to go and rub off on El Capitan:  thanks dude.  You're awesome.

Then there's .... Dick.  Dick *claimed* to be my friend.  Sending me text messages and facebook messages.  I actually lobbied for El Capitan to *promote* Dick - and he did.

Then.... Dick sat back and watched Yoga Girl hook up with my husband.  Dick knows me - he knows my CHILDREN and he sat back and watched it all go down....

And Dick is "friends" with Yoga Girl.  FRIENDS.
How is that even possible?

I heard that Dick was telling people that I deserved it because I was a "b*tch".
Which - oddly enough, was *not* the text message Dick sent me on my birthday. lololl.

But let's assume I *am* a horrific b*tch - did my children deserve this?
Not really.

There's a MAN's way out of a marriage and a relationship.
Then there's the COWARDS way:  cheating.

I supposed that the old adage is true:  life down with dogs and get up with fleas.
Those are some mighty big dogs that El Capitan runs with.

Bitter... bitter... bitter... sorry. 

I just.  I don't understand *why* people can't just be grown ups.  YOU don't like me - cool, don't be my freaking friend.  That's pretty simple to do.  YOU don't want to be married to me - then sac up and tell me like a man.

Here's a though.... may be, just you know... *may be* when a woman has to take on the man's role becuase her husband doesn't every rise to the challenge (literally, any challenge) - then she's a b*tch for being strong enough to get things done. 

That's just so unfair.  Really.

I'm the *same* person I have been for ten years... and longer as any of my friends would tell you.  THAT was fine with El Capitan.  He LOVED my mean streak - we got along great.... until he was crawling with so many of their fleas that they changed him.

Now..... here's a factoid.
El Capitan was living with tweekers when we met, working minimum wage.
WE get married -and he moves up the corporate ladder, get's a solid career, have two beautiful children, we buy a house and two NEW cars....
He makes crappy friends.
He get's a crappy girlfriend.
NOW, he claims to live in a "house of partying 20somethings who need to leave [him] alone" - he has no car, no career now.... that got a hole blew in it last week.

So.  What was better for him?
His "b*tch" wife who loved him and helped him become a better person?
Or
His dogass friends who have helped him reduce his standard of living to where it was 11 years ago.

Way to go friends!  Way. To. Go!

Why am I soooo bitter today?
Because today, El Capitan MISSED his day with the kids.  We arranged, he was coming... and I called several times yesterday.  I texted. I emailed.
Nothing.
I called two times today and texted two times.
Nothing.

*Really* glad that I never tell the children they are seeing their father unless he's in the driveway - because not only do I have to play the role of BOTH parents because El Capitan's doing whatever the hell it is he's doing.... BUT - when he lets them down- I pay the price for that with them.

Awesome.
Trying to "co-parent" is really hard when there's only one of you doing it.

sigh.