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Pride:  What does it mean to you?

6/3/2013

20 Comments

 
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Sigh.

I have spent so much of the last year of my life explaining myself.... over and over and over.... and with the latest ID Discovery TV show that I was on - the explaining starts alllll over again.  I LOVE IT how someone can watch 13 minutes of television and know *everything* about me as a woman, a wife and a parent.....   One super turd named Peter doesn't under why I "feel the need to publicize" my life.   I don't f*cker... I made a funny sign AND THE WORLD FELT THE NEED TO DISCUSS IT.  lol

Period.

Yes.... I started The Blog... but hey - Peter - while you're sitting in a place of judgement you *might* want to read a few posts and actually *see* who/what I am before you  send me such judgmental and condescending emails..... 

And then there's the woman who decides that because I *swear* - that means I'm bitter and not over El Capitan.... I guess my love of the word f*ck negates my *WELCOMING LA NOVIA* into my life.... right? 
Really?

REALLY?
Sigh.

Alright..... at this point - there are LITERALLY over 100,000 words on this Blog - if people really give a sh*t, they'll take the time to read it... if they don't - I'm not going to waste my time going over and over what is *clearly* shown here:  I'm a good person, who has given El Capitan a pass in many respects, I didn't act out of anger or revenge, I have done the *right* thing in every situation (at least as much as I "know" the right thing to be), I work hard to be a better parent... and yes, you are correct, f*ck is my favorite word - but it doesn't mean I'm angry or bitter or anything.... it means I like the word.  Period.  Done. :)

However....... what Mr. Peter said got me thinking.... and it's something that I've been thinking about for a very, very long time.

Writing this Blog has been both good and bad.... I *NEVER* set out to be on *ANY* kind of public stage... and to be honest:  it's kind of weird.  I admit that to some people it does look as though I put my life out there... and in many respects I did... but, aren't we *all* doing that?  Instagram?  Facebook?  Twitter?  May be you are just putting one liners and images... but in some fashion almost everyone I know is putting their life out there - online - for the whole world to see..... and to that end, I haven't so much put my *life* out there, as I have been willing to share this very emotional and *raw* journey with anyone who wanted to take the time to read it.... 

I have been honest.  It has been a day by day, real-time record of what happened and my emotions - I don't feel like I need to apologize for that at all.... I get plenty of email from people saying this Blog helps them, guides them.... whatever.  I can't discount those connections - and I won't.  Period.

Having said all that, *honesty* has always been the guiding factor to this process.  I have been honest about what I did/said - even if I did the wrong thing.... I didn't lie here. I always felt as though I owed the people reading this Blog the truth..... anything less is a disservice to both of us.

In light of that.... there are two things I need to tell you.

The first is that Carhartt and I broke up..... :(  
It was a very hard decision - there's *alot* of love there.... and passion... but (I *hope*) ending our relationship was the right decision for both of us... only time will tell.  

The second thing I need to be honest about ..... is that I'm a lesbian.
Wow.  That's kind of weird to type.

Otherwise known as 'dyke'/lezzie/queer..... I am gay.

Oh.... and one quick thing to add..... I'm PROUD.  GAY AND PROUD.
So let's be clear about that before we move on.

I will be posting more detailed posts (for those who wish to read them) about what it meant to grow up gay (I knew right around age 11), why I waited so long, why I married a man, what happened when I told my parents, when I told El Capitan, when I told The Boy and The Girl.... and on.....

Today though, I just want to be honest to *YOU* about who I am.  Some of you have know for a while, some of you suspected that Carhartt was a girl (she *very* much is..... a very gorgeous butch girl, in fact) who is also very much "out" and "proud".

I finally accepted that I was a lesbian and that it was time for me to stop living for *other* people.... which was really hard to do. My entire life was "straight".  Married to a man, two kids, President of The MOMS Club... I live/lived in a very straight world where all things gay where at least a 30 minute drive away and nothing I every saw or took part in......and then in January I realized that the person being hurt the most by refusing to accept myself ... was me.

It's so f*cked up that at 37 years old I was *still* too scared to accept who I was.  In my younger years, I hated myself for it..... in my older years, I resigned myself to a thousand things like - "I just don't love him enough...." or, "Sex isn't everything......" - to explain away the gay and force myself to live as a 'straight' woman.

I spent most of my adult life trying to explain away the gay.... but guess what?  It didn't work because there's no amount of prayer or hand-washing or brain-washing or 'straight sex' that made me any less gay because "gay" isn't something that *needs* to be washed away or changed.....

I just had to get to a place of emotional strength upon which I could finally stand up - on my own... on my own two (very queer) feet and say *to myself*:  I'm gay and it's okay....... so I did that.

I started reading, made some new friends, I talked to someone about a *lifetime* of queer that I had stuffed down and buried.... and in February, I finally sacked up and told my family and friends.  

And guess what......? 
We're all still here.... lol.  Except for one friend... and yes, I will blog that later.

The kids don't care.....
My friends don't care....
El Capitan and La Novia are very supportive and don't care......

My parents care, but only because they worry I'll be stoned in the street - they worry that violence and hate will befall me.... and it might.... but *trust* me when I tell you that there is little more another human could do to me that living a lie for 37 years hasn't already done to me.
Believe that.

More importantly.... what kind of example of acceptance am I setting for my children if I hide in my lonely little closet.....?  It's Gay Pride this month - it's time to stand up for who I am.  It's time to be seen.  It's time to be willing to be counted..... because now the only shame I have is because I wasn't *brave* enough to be who I was decades sooner......

I love.... truly love - being a lesbian.
I have never been happier... and while yes, the intimcay you have with a woman is *the most amazing* experience I've ever had..... it's not women or being with women that makes me happy - it's finally learning to accept myself that makes me happy.

Whatever I am..... I deserve to be happy.
and .... truth be told - I'm more than happy..... I'm gay - literally.
And It. Is. AMAZING.

For those of you who want to stick around... that's cool. :)
For those of you who can't accept me... that's cool too, I understand and wish you all the best.

Tomorrow... I'll start explaining.... :)





20 Comments
Christian
6/2/2013 11:08:11 pm

Hurry up.......I wanna hear all the details. So you know, now you will have to write another book!!! :)

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Nigel Paice link
6/3/2013 07:35:00 pm

A second book you say... ;)

If only there was a publisher who had been saying much the same...

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Kay H link
6/3/2013 12:39:45 am

Elle - You once again impressed me with your honesty and grace. I am surprised. I had no clue from reading all your posts.

I had a friend years ago when I worked at a bookstore. She excitedly told me she was spending the weekend with her new partner. I said hope you have fun with him. She said 'him? I'm gay Kay.' You could have knocked me over with a feather, no clue. I guess I don't think in those terms at all or I'm blind or just don't care.

I'm sorry about you and Carhartt.

Good for you for speaking the truth. I think you're a perfect example to your children about what it's like to live your life gracefully through adversity and honestly even though it might not be the easiest path to follow.

PS - Is it a little selfish of me to think maybe that's why you're so accepting of La Novia while I still want to run my husband's girlfriend over with a bus? Granted not much time has passed and maybe I'll get to apathy and not want her dead one day.

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Jen
6/3/2013 01:26:07 am

You constantly amaze me with your strength. I'm glad that you can now be yourself. To be honest though, it makes no difference to me whether you are attracted to males or females. Although, I do not "know" you personally, I feel like I do ( creepy, I know lol). I've read every blog post you've written, I've read your book. You are truly a remarkable person and anyone, male or female would be blessed to have you. I'm sorry to hear about you and Carhart. I pray only good things come your way. While I'm am straight as straight can be, I absolutely support equality. May you continue to be an inspiration to many people. :) keep keeping on!!

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Romana
6/3/2013 07:12:21 pm

Yeah! Me too, what Jen said. Every word. :)

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Jaimey
6/3/2013 01:33:20 am

Yayyyyy! You're gay!! Whoop! I'm so proud of you. <3

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Landy
6/3/2013 01:41:16 am

I did not see this coming! Good for you! I'm sorry about the break up.

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Sara link
6/3/2013 02:37:27 am

Hooray for you!

I am so proud of you. For lots of reasons. I've been smiling in my heart at every post since welcoming La Novia. I just knew you would get here, I just knew it! (The welcoming part, I mean, not the gay part.) Anyway, this was a surprise to me, because I didn't see it coming. Although I should have, considering all your recent Carhartt posts used "their" as a pronoun instead of his, and as a confessed Grammar Nazi it was really bugging me. haha
Anyway. Good for you. Good. For. You. Be who you are, love who you love and live the life you were meant to live. I can't wait to be part of this next journey - wishing you all the happiness in this world. XOXO

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Becki Duckworth link
6/3/2013 02:39:32 am

Elle, We love you and support you. Now you can truly find happiness.

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Taun-Taun
6/3/2013 03:32:52 am

Elle, I did not see that one coming. But as always, you are strong and you are courageous. And you are real. Always will be a fan. Kudos to you for finally accepting yourself. Now life begins. (((HUGS)))

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Tracy
6/3/2013 04:38:18 am

I have been reading your blog since the beginning and let me tell you this one took me by surprise, I had to go back and re-read it. : )You seem like a great person and I have enjoyed following you thru the good and bad times. I am one reader that isn't going anywhere, I look forward coming into work each morning and reading your blog before I start my day. Glad you are in a happy place you deserve to be, we all deserve to be!!!

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A Freind of YOURS
6/3/2013 05:56:35 am

Elle... Your LIFE is YOURS. You are in charge of making it a happy or a sad one. Each morning when you up, you have a choice about your day. You can make it a good day, or make it a bad day... but under no circumstances should you allow ANY other fucking person decide for you.

The same goes for your lifestyle. It is NOT anyone's RIGHT or DECISION to choose what your lifestyle is or is not. What it is suppose to be, or not suppose to be.

Opinions are like ASSHOLES. We all have one.

You live your life each and every day, as YOU desire to live and those who have a problem with how you choose to live your life can go straight to fucking hell and WELT in their own misery.

Congrats... and keep living.

A FREIND regardless if you were ALIEN... Your life is yours... LIVE the damn way you want to and BE HAPPY!

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Alex
6/3/2013 07:55:12 am

Hey Elle!

Congratulations on coming out! Now you'll have a new thing to model for people, coming out and coming out when they're in their mid-thirties. I imagine it gets harder to do it the longer you've avoided it.

I'm sorry to hear about Carhartt and about your friend, but really, you must be floating on air now that you aren't having an internal war against yourself.

I only hope that more people feel like they can come out if they want. Yeah some friends & family will flip their lids, but I know others will be relieved that they aren't struggling with themselves.

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Romana
6/3/2013 10:42:18 am

Woweee! This is fantastic! I'm definitely sticking around, reading every word of this blog. It's the one of the most interesting life stories I've ever read about. But not just reading and knowing, I feel like I am also growing with Elle. Good for you!!! You had to let go of so much to be able to grab onto all this other good stuff.

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Shirley link
6/3/2013 03:17:17 pm

Well .... I didn't see that one coming. No, actually, I did see the breakup with Carhartt coming but as far as everything else ... whatever floats your boat. I'll stick around but boy oh boy, the press is gonna have a field day with this one. It might also impact your coffee dates but life is hard and we all need to be and do whatever gets us through in a way that makes life tolerable for us.

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Jennifer C link
6/3/2013 04:36:16 pm

I really did not see that coming at all...lol!! I was shocked!! BUT, I have to say that you truly amaze me! I am just so impressed with your desicoins and honesty, doing eveyrthing that you feel is right for you and your family, no matter what anyone thinks. It is a tough thing to do sometimes. You are in charge of what makes you happy and that's all that matters! I will contuinue to support and read your blog, cause heck it is just getting good!! :)

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Dianne
6/4/2013 04:55:57 am

I'm proud of you. Couldn't have been easy but you did the right thing. God bless you Elle.

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Melissa
6/4/2013 05:28:03 am

Geez...skip a day or two of reading and come back to catch up and LOOK at what happens! :)

Like everyone else, "I didn't see this coming." In fact, when I read it I not only had to go back and re-read it...I also checked my calendar to make sure I wasn't mistaken and we were nowhere near April 1st. Nope--June 4th (when I'm reading it). Not a joke at all.

Good for you. Like others, I have no intention of going anywhere just because of this revelation.

(Oh, and I'm an Editor, so I also noticed your use of "their" instead of "his" and it was bugging me, too.)

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Susan G
6/5/2013 08:59:34 am

Wow...Like most everyone else I did not see that coming. I did see Carhart not lasting - first 'rebound" rarily does - but I sure am wishing you a lot of happiness with whoever you bring into your life. You are a remarkable young women and your journey is well worth sticking around to read about.

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Laura link
6/14/2013 04:48:31 am

I haven't been to visit in a long time, but I am amazed and proud of you! It took me 42 years to figure out who I am. I am disturbed by the rude and presumptuous comments you've gotten about your recent discoveries and milestones. Ugh, who gives a shit what "the press" says, or what your critics say, or what anyone says or thinks unless it's you? :) Just keep marching on! You are beautiful and you are loved. There will always be bullies and haters. To hell with them :)

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    Buy The Book!
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    Elle Zober

    Mother, "scorned wife", photographer, designer,  potential blog writer and recent guest on The View.... life's been pretty crazy as of late - crazybeautiful that is!
    You can see some of Elle's photography at:
    http://www.zoberimages.com/
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Scorned, slighty bitter but still, grateful and very happy... life is good.
PS.... you *WILL find errors in grammar, spelling and otherwise... I am just a Mom - now a 'single Mom' who
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