I have spent so much of the last year of my life explaining myself.... over and over and over.... and with the latest ID Discovery TV show that I was on - the explaining starts alllll over again. I LOVE IT how someone can watch 13 minutes of television and know *everything* about me as a woman, a wife and a parent..... One super turd named Peter doesn't under why I "feel the need to publicize" my life. I don't f*cker... I made a funny sign AND THE WORLD FELT THE NEED TO DISCUSS IT. lol
Yes.... I started The Blog... but hey - Peter - while you're sitting in a place of judgement you *might* want to read a few posts and actually *see* who/what I am before you send me such judgmental and condescending emails.....
And then there's the woman who decides that because I *swear* - that means I'm bitter and not over El Capitan.... I guess my love of the word f*ck negates my *WELCOMING LA NOVIA* into my life.... right?
Alright..... at this point - there are LITERALLY over 100,000 words on this Blog - if people really give a sh*t, they'll take the time to read it... if they don't - I'm not going to waste my time going over and over what is *clearly* shown here: I'm a good person, who has given El Capitan a pass in many respects, I didn't act out of anger or revenge, I have done the *right* thing in every situation (at least as much as I "know" the right thing to be), I work hard to be a better parent... and yes, you are correct, f*ck is my favorite word - but it doesn't mean I'm angry or bitter or anything.... it means I like the word. Period. Done. :)
However....... what Mr. Peter said got me thinking.... and it's something that I've been thinking about for a very, very long time.
Writing this Blog has been both good and bad.... I *NEVER* set out to be on *ANY* kind of public stage... and to be honest: it's kind of weird. I admit that to some people it does look as though I put my life out there... and in many respects I did... but, aren't we *all* doing that? Instagram? Facebook? Twitter? May be you are just putting one liners and images... but in some fashion almost everyone I know is putting their life out there - online - for the whole world to see..... and to that end, I haven't so much put my *life* out there, as I have been willing to share this very emotional and *raw* journey with anyone who wanted to take the time to read it....
I have been honest. It has been a day by day, real-time record of what happened and my emotions - I don't feel like I need to apologize for that at all.... I get plenty of email from people saying this Blog helps them, guides them.... whatever. I can't discount those connections - and I won't. Period.
Having said all that, *honesty* has always been the guiding factor to this process. I have been honest about what I did/said - even if I did the wrong thing.... I didn't lie here. I always felt as though I owed the people reading this Blog the truth..... anything less is a disservice to both of us.
In light of that.... there are two things I need to tell you.
The first is that Carhartt and I broke up..... :(
It was a very hard decision - there's *alot* of love there.... and passion... but (I *hope*) ending our relationship was the right decision for both of us... only time will tell.
The second thing I need to be honest about ..... is that I'm a lesbian.
Wow. That's kind of weird to type.
Otherwise known as 'dyke'/lezzie/queer..... I am gay.
Oh.... and one quick thing to add..... I'm PROUD. GAY AND PROUD.
So let's be clear about that before we move on.
I will be posting more detailed posts (for those who wish to read them) about what it meant to grow up gay (I knew right around age 11), why I waited so long, why I married a man, what happened when I told my parents, when I told El Capitan, when I told The Boy and The Girl.... and on.....
Today though, I just want to be honest to *YOU* about who I am. Some of you have know for a while, some of you suspected that Carhartt was a girl (she *very* much is..... a very gorgeous butch girl, in fact) who is also very much "out" and "proud".
I finally accepted that I was a lesbian and that it was time for me to stop living for *other* people.... which was really hard to do. My entire life was "straight". Married to a man, two kids, President of The MOMS Club... I live/lived in a very straight world where all things gay where at least a 30 minute drive away and nothing I every saw or took part in......and then in January I realized that the person being hurt the most by refusing to accept myself ... was me.
It's so f*cked up that at 37 years old I was *still* too scared to accept who I was. In my younger years, I hated myself for it..... in my older years, I resigned myself to a thousand things like - "I just don't love him enough...." or, "Sex isn't everything......" - to explain away the gay and force myself to live as a 'straight' woman.
I spent most of my adult life trying to explain away the gay.... but guess what? It didn't work because there's no amount of prayer or hand-washing or brain-washing or 'straight sex' that made me any less gay because "gay" isn't something that *needs* to be washed away or changed.....
I just had to get to a place of emotional strength upon which I could finally stand up - on my own... on my own two (very queer) feet and say *to myself*: I'm gay and it's okay....... so I did that.
I started reading, made some new friends, I talked to someone about a *lifetime* of queer that I had stuffed down and buried.... and in February, I finally sacked up and told my family and friends.
And guess what......?
We're all still here.... lol. Except for one friend... and yes, I will blog that later.
The kids don't care.....
My friends don't care....
El Capitan and La Novia are very supportive and don't care......
My parents care, but only because they worry I'll be stoned in the street - they worry that violence and hate will befall me.... and it might.... but *trust* me when I tell you that there is little more another human could do to me that living a lie for 37 years hasn't already done to me.
More importantly.... what kind of example of acceptance am I setting for my children if I hide in my lonely little closet.....? It's Gay Pride this month - it's time to stand up for who I am. It's time to be seen. It's time to be willing to be counted..... because now the only shame I have is because I wasn't *brave* enough to be who I was decades sooner......
I love.... truly love - being a lesbian.
I have never been happier... and while yes, the intimcay you have with a woman is *the most amazing* experience I've ever had..... it's not women or being with women that makes me happy - it's finally learning to accept myself that makes me happy.
Whatever I am..... I deserve to be happy.
and .... truth be told - I'm more than happy..... I'm gay - literally.
And It. Is. AMAZING.
For those of you who want to stick around... that's cool. :)
For those of you who can't accept me... that's cool too, I understand and wish you all the best.
Tomorrow... I'll start explaining.... :)