Most people lose their temper.... lose their *shit* - and then regret it.  Most people.

The thing about me is that I have *always* been who I am.... I have feelings and opinions and ideas and (if you know me) then you know it's *very* hard for me to keep those to myself on the best of days... but if I'm angry????  It's like a tsunami of anger that overwhelms and takes out whatever person/object/space is around me.  It's not a violent thing.... but, truth be told:  I can say things that'll make your ears bleed for days.
Almost literally.

I do, in fact, have a way of cutting you down with my tongue in a manner that - while often comedic - is *always* brutally truthful.  It's been the demise of several relationships in my time AND - oh yes.... AND - is something I have sought to change/curtail/end as I get older.  

As the years trickle by I have tried, sometimes in utter vain, to stop and *think* before I unleash the winds and rain.  I have, to some people's surprise, tried to damn the tide of verbal anger before it takes out relationships with people I love.  

Tried.
Sometimes.
In vain.....
But tried all the same.

Looking back at my marriage with Drew, (from The Book), there were *clear* issue's that his parents had that affected our marriage.  There were clear issue's that Drew had - and issue's that *I* had.... and then there was my amazing ability to handle situations with his parents with the kind of tact that an elephant with a tack in her foot posses.... ie: none.
None at all.

However, sometimes you look back at a whole situation and if there are moments and times and conversations and words said, not under your breath - but broadcast as though a megaphone were strapped to your face.... and you shudder a bit.  Even though it's in the past and those days and moments and that anger is smoke from the book of your life on a fire.... just floating away..... *if* that still makes you shudder.... then you would be wise to listen to that instinct and *change* that behavior.

Truth be told, I don't shudder about my past or behavior nearly as much as some people might think I should.... but I can *Assure* you that I shudder faaaaaaar more than people realize because I *AM* someone who does endeavor to take ownership of not only actions, but mostly my words - AND - not only do I want to *OWN* them, but if I decide they were 'wrong' - then I strive to *change* them.

I really really really really do.
Pinky promise.

Embarking on this process, I was *deFUCKINGtermined* to have as many 'shudder free' moments as I possibly, possibly could.... keeping in mind that a person who has just had their entire life ripped out from under them and placed firmly beneath the buxom buttocks of another woman... well:  she's going to lose her shit from time to time and it's not gonna' be pretty.......  Having said that - I *TRIED* not to use that as an excuse to machine gun every fucker that came in my path with a verbal assault that would make Lisa Lampanelli cringe.  (look her up.... she's brilliant.)

I thought *a lot* about my post the other day.... did you notice the grammar was almost pretty decent?  That's because I actually read that one through several times before hitting send.... I usually write, hit send, go to bed. lololol :)

This time, though, I thought about what I wanted to say - what I wanted to share.... and then I shared.  I thought about what the consequences might be for me, for the kids... for El Capitan, etc..... and I decided that - in spite of what some people think/assume/accuse me of - I *HAVE* actually made EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. CHOICE for the last 18 months - for the sole benefit of the kids (or at least what I *hoped* would be for their benefit).  I put myself aside - and not in some kind of Christ-like way so that I can build a cross of good deeds and 'sacrifices' and hoist myself up on it and say.... "look at me world- look at the fantastic person I am to make such lofty sacrifices"......

In the first place.... I'm not all that fantastic, nor have I ever thought I was, frankly, if I'd had better self-esteem I would have never married El Capitan in the first place.... just sayin'.

Secondly - I really *didn't* give a shit about his stuff, my stuff - having to do it all alone - because I had grown sooooo  accustomed to doing everything alone that *not* having him there to pack up his own shit, etc... well, that was something I would have expected anyway.  No biggie.

Thirdly, I *really* did believe that if I created a safe space for La Novia to step into - free of blame or shame or whatever.... but a true, welcoming space - and that THAT would be enough for her to step up and *be* apart of my childrens lives..... 

But.  That safe space was filled by suspicion and .... resentment?  Entitlement?  Fear?

I don't really know.... but it stayed void of a person.  
And my children *feel* that void.

Since I wrote my post I've been thinking about the last 18 months and the TWO conversations I ever had with La Novia - ok ... three - one text, two on the phone.  And I never called her names.  I was actually *fairly* pleasant.... and yet that .... person.... seems to think I should have been nicer?

That's like telling the Jews to thank Hitler for the shower.
Yeah.  I said it.  Suck it.

You fuck your way into this family and then you turn up your nose at the *chance* to co-parent two of the most amazing beings in the world..... (according to me, of course). :)  I just don't get it .... I really don't.

I go over and over in my mind - everything I said, I re-read posts and parts of The Book and there are times where I am as much her protector - worrying about her - about what El Capitan was *saying* about her - as  I am just emotionally decimated by what she's done and her total lack of empathy or regret.

I have actually spent some time wondering if she's on the spectrum... that kind of person who *lacks* any kind of social awareness or personal responsibility is a special person in deed..... Dexter style.  No - I'm being serious - there are HUNDREDS of stories out there about these women who feel so entitled to another person's spouse that they go and kill people.... now - I'm NOT saying anyone was going to kill anyone... but that level of 'I don't give a shit'..... THAT is a worrying quality in a person.

That's the thing.... SINCE DAY FUCKING ONE.  La Novia hasn't cared.  She didn't care that he was married.  She didn't care that I would get hurt.  She didn't care that my children would get hurt.... she felt no shame, no regret - there have never been any apologies or ownership.... she has always acted as though *I* were in the way of them being together.

She has, in my humble opinion (and others), felt as though I was the problem here - not her.

There is *one* thing, that she said, that rings in my ears.......

If took me MONTHS to get El Capitan to sit down with me and La Novia.  EVEN THOUGH the need for that 'sit down' is clearly spelled out in our divorce papers.... he dodged and dodged me.

Over and over, I would ask. I would tell him that the kids were asking about her and wanted to meet her... etc.  That the counselor felt it was time and that *not* having met her was having a negative affect on them.... but he would say no.

At the time - El Capitan would say, "I'm not sure that that's where this relationships is headed".  And imply that he didn't want her interacting with the kids that way.   Which I thought was odd..... 

When we *finally* sat down together I was KIND - SO FUCKING KIND - and I damn well meant it.  I was - because I'm really fucking stupid - EXCITED about this step because I thought it was best for the kids and that a LIFETIME of losing my temper and whatever..... wasn't going to happen.  It hadn't really happened thus far - that I could steer us all to a place of friendship and co-parenting and that fruits of my labor - the product of my 'sacrifices' would be a happier family for the children.
BooFuckingYah.

Wrong.

I sat at the table.
I read the letter - heartfelt and clear.  No anger or animosity from my side of the table.
I was kind and smiled and was encouraging of her.....
I was - until my post Monday - totally genuine.

And she said very little.  BUT.  One thing she said that rings in my ears was this......"Well, thank you -I'm just so surprised that you can be so amicable."

Huh.......?  I just read you an entire letter.
I *insisted* on you having a chance to have a relationship with my children.
I welcomed you into the family.

What the motherFUCK isn't 'amicable' about that?

What more am I supposed to do.... give you hand a job and a smoke?
I might be into girls... but needless to say:  I have much higher standards so that ain't gonna happen.

So I've come to the realization that El Capitan must tell her things ..... he must paint pictures for her that lead to her to a place where she can't image me to be 'amicable'.

Dr. Drew thought was I was waaaaay too nice and amicable.
So did the entire View.
So did my friends.
So did The Bubbie and The Papa ... who were 'shocked' that El Capitan left with his nuts in tact.  (He didn't though... those have been in a proverbial jar for nearly 11 years..... bwahahahahaha).

Point being - if this was an 'act' or an illusion or not genuine - I'm NOT the kind of person who can fake anything other than an orgasm during straight sex.
Period.

But there comes a point where the tsunami, when not let out.... swarms and starts to drown you.... and I'll be honest:  I was fucking tired of treading my own water and drowning every night.

So.... I don't regret it.  If it makes me shudder... I'll deal with that - like I already have to deal with everything else that has come from all of this.... but let us not forget that *none* of this - The Sign, The Book, The Blog would have *ever* happened without El Capitan fucking La Novia on her green comforter and then dragging the sweat and the sweet stench home to me.  

Even now.... I've come to realize that it's something I can move past - but it's nothing I'll ever forget.

Comment from yesterday:

It's crazy how many people are still checking back every day - and yet.... no new blog from me.  Anyone who *knows* me in my 'real life' - in the flesh, in person..... they know that it's really hard for me to lie about... anything.  If I'm mad - you'll know it.  If I'm sad... you'll know it.  I quite literally wear my emotions on my face and in my heart and in my words.... it's hard for me to just 'put on a happy face.'

Now, bear with me... and fuck - is it 'bear' or 'bare'?  I know it's a homophone - I should just look it up but today fucking sux and I can't be arsed to do it.... so just deal with it Grammar Police.  Ok.... 'bear' with me - because I know that *some* people have hard a time with that concept because of my sexuality and my attempt to live for sooooo long as a straight woman - certainly that was lying?  Yes.... but the truth is - I was lying first and foremost to myself, so in spending 37 years forcing myself to believe in something doesn't make me a liar to the rest of the world, it makes me one of the millions and millions of people who don't think they wanted to "be gay" - AND.... for the record - it's also in large part due to a society that tells you that being gay is a "choice" - so I'm not really a 'liar' just because I chose to be straight.

That aside... the reality is that since I started this Blog, I haven't lied about anything.  It's true to say that anyone's "truth" is strongly rooted in their perception of an event or conversation or situation and as such, other people might have a different perception/truth about things, but that doesn't negate anyone's 'truth'.

I have tried, with the exception of delaying coming out on The Blog, to be as brutally honest as possible, because I'm the kind of person who really doesn't know how to be anything else..... which is why it's been hard to blog lately because I can't come here and lie.  I can't come here and say - 'everything is great.....', when it's not.

I read so many books...I tried so hard and the truth is that I *tried* because I looked back on the living room of ten years of marriage and, for the most, underneath cream walls of photos of happy kids and a 'happy family' - lay the proverbial rug which had dozens and dozens of lumps in every direction where I had been shoving things for a looooooong time.

That time I found pot in a old film canister in the sock drawer and was told "some guy pulled over on a street corner and handed it to me... what was I supposed to do?":  swept under the carpet.
That time Christmas came and went and all I got was a Snoop Dogg CD in my stalking.... under the carpet.
That time we were leaving for the hospital to have our son and you were yelling me because I wasn't 'talking nice enough to you'.... under the carpet.
That time.... *all* those times... that I kept saying if you didn't go to counseling and *we* didn't go to counseling that our marriage would end in divorce..... under the carpet. No appointments made.
That time that your stepmother waited until *after* your Mother's Grandfather died after your Aunt called them to relay the message to us to get the hospital to 'say goodbye'.... she waited 6 hours to call us and we didn't make it to the hospital and because of that your mother's *entire* family thought we didn't care enough to go say goodbye and never forgave us..... and so I called The StepMother and informed her that she was, indeed, "a cunt of a rare kind" and that she was also an "adulterer - and since I hold my friends to a higher standard - we would never be friends.......". .... that too... went under the carpet.

We would have a argument.... and then we would make up and sweep everyone's discretion's under the carpet and not talk about them again.... mine, his.... everyone's.  I knew it was wrong at the time - that eventually we'd be tripping over those 'lumps in the carpet' - but I always assumed that after 7, 8, 9 ... 10 years - that we were in it for the long haul and that we had *time* to work things out and move on.

Everyone does it - and we had some *big* things under the carpet and some small things... but overall - we were *happy*... fuck, may be we weren't.... it was news to me and our friends and our family... but clearly *we* were not happy... because suddenly I was tripping over a 22 year old under my carpet.

I can own that. I can, in spite of what some people think, look back at ten years of sweeping and own my part and because I was wiling to do that.... and I thought that in this whole divorce process that I would DO IT RIGHT.

I would read books and get advice... *good* advice - from people who paid lots of money and went to school and got degree's..... that I would follow their advice, no matter *how* hard, no matter how much shit I got from other people....I would take the high road and make different choices.

Now..... is Ugly Baby Teeth - *Really* taking the high road.......?
Probably not.

However, for fucks sake.... if the *worst* thing I *ever* did to the woman who had SEX WITH MY HUSBAND while he was *still* my husband - was call her "ugly baby teeth".... well.... fuck, I think that makes me a pretty nice person.  I could be wrong.... feel free to correct me.

I *meant* what I said when I wrote the family letter and made the binder......
I *wanted* soooo badly for everyone to be adults and stand together on the sidelines of a soccer game, all wearing our big-girl panties and happy smiles - cheering on the success's of *our* children.
I was *willing* to share the role and the moniker of 'mom' with someone who stole SO MUCH OF WHAT I FUCKING WAS.... because it was going to be what was best for my children.

Everyone who *knows* me knows that I don't just say I'm going to do something.... if I've done it - then I meant it.  I don't fuck around... I don't lie.  If I said we can all move on... then I can,
Notice the *I*?

I haven't blogged in weeks because I'm fucking pissed.
There I said it.

I'm fucking pissed that I read the books and *Said* and *DID* all the "right" things......

I walked away from money.... 
I walked away from my home.....
I lost everything.... and, for the most part.... I did it with a smile and with hope in my heart that in doing it all the "right way" - that it would pay off for the kids - that where I had failed them as a Mother, where *we* had failed them as parents - that *WE* could all come together in the end and BE A FUCKING FAMILY.

Two happy homes from one broken one.

I was wrong.
I protected her and I protected him.... I kept the dirty little secret that they worked together.... so they wouldn't get fired.
I protected her name so that while *I* would forever go down in flame as the fat-ass whose husband left her for a 22 year old because she was so ugly and bitter and 'vengeful' that she then "plotted an online campaign" to blah blah blah blah..... SHE would be safely away from it all.  Her identity - her collective 'dignity' in tact (assuming she has any.....) - and SHE:  Ugly Baby Teeth, Yoga Girl.... La Novia - would be safe.  I did that because I felt it was the right thing to do..... now, I'm not so fucking sure.

The Boy say's that life at Daddy's house is "hard" .... that Daddy screams at them, and uses foul language  and isn't "nice to them"...... La Novia doesn't spend any time the kids.  

At. All.

She's usually "at work" - no matter what day of the week or the time of day.... back when this started, they went to the Zoo one time - and haven't done a damn thing since.  There are no more craft or coloring projects.... they go there, spend time with their Dad and come back.

That's not a family.
When I was told that he wouldn't be seeing the kids over Thanksgiving - because of work schedule issue's, I suggested we *all* have a family dinner together..... and was told no.

He thought it might be "awkward......."
No shit.... huh?  IT's *always* going to be awkward if that's your attitude.

And someone for the love of FUCK - PLEASE tell me *how* this is awkward for anyone......?

I have protected you.
I have been KIND to BOTH OF YOU.
I have NOT called people names.
I have NOT threatened anyone.
I didn't burn anyones stuff.... I didn't lose my shit and go crazy.

SERIOUSLY.  DOES NO ONE WATCH TV?????????
Does no one watch Jerry Springer........?  I think -overall - I have extended a shit ton of kindness and fucking *forgiveness* to people who DID NOT DESERVE IT and I did it for 'realsies' - because THAT IS WHO I AM.

Anyone who *knows* me, knows that I don't do things half way.

I *welcomed* someone into MY FAMILY after they fucked their way into it.... and I'm not good enough to have dinner with?  Because THAT - the whole EATING AT THE SAME TABLE thing is awkward......?
Yeah... well, smelling your sweet snatch on his cock was awkward... but look at me all getting over that and shit.
 
Yet...... You can't get over yourself enough to have dinner?
Really?

I could and I *DID* because I believed it was what was best for my children.... but it's becoming painfully clear to me that the *only* person who is concerned with a) the children and b) having some kind of positive relationship modeled for them is ME.  

The Boy's behavior has been suffering.... a lot.  The light that used to light his eyes has been dimming - and replaced with him telling me "I just gave that car the finger for going too slow like Daddy does......".  Or, screaming at this sister who accidentally broke a toy..... "Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?!?!"

Daddy refers to everything in his house as ... 'his' - not ours.... this is "his house" - he tells them.... which means that it's not "their" house... they are just guests.  The Boy told me that.

And 18 months on... it's clear that in spite of all my efforts to the contrary - the children are merely guests in a home that doesn't actually want them to be *a part* of anything.... some people are *stupid* enough to think that this kind of thing doesn't matter to kids... but it does.  It really does.

I've been begging The Boy to behave and changing house rules and talking and talking.... and reading and trying... but it seems like everyday the light get a little bit dimmer.... and I fear, that's it's going to go out altogether.

Recently, there's this charming little brat at The Boy's school who delights in being mean to him, recently she cut in front of him in line and said, "I don't like you because I hate your face."

I asked The Boy what he did, and he said he just shrugged his shoulders and walked away and said nothing.  I praised him on his ability to walk away from a negative situation and we went and talked to his teacher (who is nothing short of amazing.....) - and she also praised him for 'doing the right thing and walking away' - and that she would address that situation.  

This weekend, after spending the night at their Dad's - The Boy came home and told me that his DAD told him that the next time someone tells him that they "hate his face", that THE BOY should say right back to that person..... "Well, I hate your face."

Super fucking awesome shitty advice.
Rad.

After months of dodging me..... being 'in the bathroom' or 'at work' - and never having to actually be in the same room as me..... we were heading home last night and The Boy *really* wanted to call his Dad and tell him about his "last shift" at the Spirit store.  I let him call and he asked his Dad if we could stop by.
Which we did.

And then we stood.... out in the cold..... in the soft drizzle of rain..... we stood.  outFUCKINGside.
While La Novia sat inside.

After everything..... I stood outside.  unwelcome.  I get it..... it wasn't pre-planned, and it's unfair to think we should be asked inside... but then, why not come outside?  

I'm tired.
I'm tired of trying and failing.
I'm tired of other people's lies and bullshit.
I'm tired of believing that I could do this.... that I could offer up enough forgiveness and kindness and that *that* would be what could help bind together this new family that I'll be *Really* honest.... I want NO FUCKING PART of.

No fucking part at all.

I just wanted my kids to be happy and whole..... that's all.
But.... they're not and every passing day I wonder if that's ever going to happen.
and I'm not.....  I'll never be whole again, especially while the kids are hurting.

So today I'm going to take the advice of someone I listened to and loved and worked soooo hard to build a family *with*.... and I'm going to put down the books and olive branches and I'm just gonna say it:

I fucking hate your face.

If you mistakenly thought *anything* was awkward before.... well.... good luck with that.

So.... it's been a while, huh?
Sorry.

I do feel bad.... not blogging because a dirty little (not so secret) thing that I get a wee bit ashamed about.... I *do* feel bad when I miss a blog or let it go for a while, but.... man - this is hard.

I thought, for sure, that this would get easier over time.
I thought that when I found love - when I found that someone who would love me and accept me and support me.... and give me that *thing* that I missing for so many years - that 'thing' I didn't even know I was missing - that all of that would add up to emotionally equal wholeness.
Surprise:  it doesn't.
Sigh.

This time of year is a bit rough for me because it's my *busy* time of year - where I do all my family shoots.  Most of them are friends - some are new clients I've never met.... but over and over and over, all day Saturday and Sunday it's just a parade of happy, nuclear families.

One after the other... holding hands, smiling, laughing, kissing.... crying, fighting, bribing, begging, pleading for onelastsmile.... families.  I know that everyone's life isn't perfect.  I'm all well aware that my life could such in many more ways that it currently does.... however, it doesn't make it any easier to have a ring-side seat to the parade of people who got their shit right.  The array of people I adore who made better choices - and still have their families.... in tact.

It doesn't have anything to do with Hail Mary -but honestly.... I find myself feeling a bit jealous that I didn't make better/different/whatever choices, so that my nuclear family could still be together.  I thought, that after some magic amount of time had passed where love came in to fill the gaps in my heart and my head - that that would heal me... and I would be so busy living my new life that I would ?forget?  the past.... that I wouldn't miss it.

I wouldn't miss my little blue house.
I wouldn't miss putting up a yard full of blow up guys.
I wouldn't miss putting together our family holiday card and licking 150 stamps to send them out....
but the truth is:  I do.

I still miss our family.  Do I miss El Capitan?  Fuck no.  And, I actually mean that with respect, I really do, but I don't miss the presence of someone in my life who thought so little of me - who sought to emotionally destroy me with thoughtlessness and betrayal.... 

On that note.  I know I probably shouldn't be thinking about this... but I can't help it.

I keep seeing El Capitan in my mind - leaning on the white Ikea bookshelf - eyes staring at the hardwood floor so hard that I thought he might just burn a whole in the boards..... I sat on the bench seat, phone in my hand, just asking, quietly pleading for the truth...... 

Who is this girl?
What does she mean.....?
What does any of this mean......?

And he shrugged his shoulders, he didn't *have* an answer.... she meant 'nothing'.  She was 'nothing'.  She was a 'flirtation that went too far'.... and nothing more.

18 months later... they're still flirting - so obviously there's a lie somewhere... either he lied then or he's lying to himself now.... it's not for me to know the truth, I guess - and that is a hard pill to swallow.

I think I watched too much TV growing up because I keep waiting to sit down in front of a color screen and watch events in first person and third person and through parted curtains and steamy Mazda 5 windows - to unfold in front of me, piecing together events and feelings and words spoken and promises broken.... just so I could understand.

Even if I could, even if I knew it all... the truth is, I'm not sure I'll never be angry enough, or healed enough to not miss the family I had.  Two happy kids, who felt secure and stable.... I would never have traded that for anything, not even for what I have today.

That's the difference between El Capitan and I.

And you know what... fuck it:  here's a hard truth for anyone out there who has a parent who cheated:  they traded you, they traded your childhood and your security so that they could go live another life - live out some other fantasy  or dream.  IT didn't have anything to do with your other parent..... what it boils down to is that you have One Parent who stayed with you and raised you and loved you and sacrificed for you. 

And then you have Another Parent who traded you for something/someone else.
Done.

Sad fact, but true.

Recently, El Capitan talked to The Boy and The Girl about his own parents.  In his own words he told the kids that his Dad was a "mean guy" who did and said mean things.... that he was a 'bad guy' - and that is why the kids have never met them and it is why El Capitan doesn't talk to his own parents.

This weighed on the children a lot more than I thought it would.... and I was surprised because recently we found out that El Capitan's parents packed up their shit and moved to the midwest. In doing that, my heart actually broke for El Capitan because his Dad wouldn't give him his Mother's belongings, or his own childhood belongings - baby books, toys, etc..... when I told El Capitan that I found out his parents sold the house and moved - we both knew that all his stuff - all his deceased Mother's stuff - was now gone.....
and that made me really sad.

A final 'fuck you' from parents who did a pretty shitty job raising him.... and then they hold that dysfunction and anger against him.... it makes me sad for El Capitan. It really, really does.

Perhaps that sparked the conversation.... but The Boy came home and said this:
(hand to G*d it's the truth)

The Boy:  "Daddy told us about his Dad and how he was a mean guy......"

Me: "Oh?"

The Boy:  "Yeah.... they haven't talked for a long time and they met me when I was a baby."

Me:  "Yes, they did."

The Boy:  "Did you know Dad's parents?"

Me:  "Well, I never met him Mom, she died before I met your Dad, but I knew his Dad and his Step-Mom."

The Boy:  "Was he mean?"

Me:  "Well, it's complicated.  No, he wasn't a very nice man, and sometimes people say and do things - that are all wrong - but for the most part - your Dad is right, he's not a nice man and he wasn't a good Dad."

and then there was a pause.... I didn't want to say more, and I also wanted to support El Capitan's words, because it's his relationship with is father and I think it's all true.
and then .......

The Boy:  "If Dad's Dad was a mean guy and he doesn't talk to him... then why has Dad been mean to us?"

Sigh.
Sometimes I'm really freakin' stupid because,I'll be honest, I DID NOT see that connection being made by The Boy - and clearly neither did El Capitan..... fuck.  Smart kid.

I said nothing.  I didn't know what to say.... because - just like El Capitan is entitled to his own perspective and feelings on his DAd's behavior.... The Boy has the same entitlements - and currently... while he *loves* his Dad more than he can put into words... he's also just as hurt and just as angry.....

So... do we ever heal?  Do we ever round the corner and find inner peace.....?
Or will seasons change and with it, bring familiar pain and loss over and over.....?
I sure as shit hope not.

Today, October 11th, is National Coming Out Day.

I will forever remember my 'Coming Out Day', but to be honest, finally being honest about who you are and starting a new journey is a process and I kind of always feel like every day I'm learning something new and still 'coming out' in many ways.

These last eight months have been amazing.  I have learned so much about myself and discovered so many wonderful things about my community.

This week Mia got married to her love - and The Boy and The Girl were 'ring bearers' in their wedding.  A LEGAL same-sex marriage which took place in Washington.  It was truly amazing, to point of tears, to see these two people get legally married.

Mia is one of my closest friends in my community and we were friends before she started dating Her Love - so I've been lucky enough to watch their relationship grow, be apart of the excitement of them falling in love - and then we all stood next to them when they signed those documents.  It was really cool.

I made Mia's bouquet - she wanted pink and yellow, so I went with vintage style pink roses, pink lillies and yellow roses.  The lillies were for me.... :)  You all know why.  And then she wanted something 'unique', yet simple and small - so I laced up the stems and added two charms:  one for France and one for Italy, which are two of their favorite places.  The charms can be taken off and warn on a necklace later.... I hope that was unique enough. lol

I hope, whatever journey you are on in your life, that you able to honest with yourself and live in happiness.  It  took me a long time to get where I am, and I still have to much farther to go.
Thanks for being with me.....

So, I've never tried to hide our Goodwill Christmas and whatnot.... I mean, it's not like I'm thrilled to have to hunt through bins of used toys to make Christmas work - but I'm not the only Mom who's done it, and there's no shame in it.  

In the past, I have also shared about treasure hunting at The Goodwill at Halloween time because The Boy is just sooooo obsessed with the holiday.  He cannot have enough stuff - and he actually *cares* about all of it.  At the end of the season last year we collected up costumes for $3 and $4 - because he likes to "sell" them, still in their packaging in his Spirit store.  This year.... having moved out on our own - we have have been making the most of a collection of new Goodwills to hunt through.

There aren't, however, as many Goodwill locations where we live now as there were in Portland (seven within a 10 mile radius to our old house) - so we've been hitting up the same two local Goodwills and we were getting down to the really dirty and stained talking toys or the ones that don't work, so I thought we would try out Value Village.

Mis.FUCKING.stake.

They have a HUGE Halloween costume set-up, and The Boy was out. of. his. mind.  The Girl was running up down the aisles and pulling out this crown or that witch's broom.... and then I started looking at the prices.
Holy. Shit.

I don't know *who* works for Value Village and thinks that charging $20 for a knock-off 'Snow White' costume is "value".... but - um... it's not:  it's a freakin' rip off.  The more I walked the aisles, the more my jaw dropped.  I couldn't *believe* what I was seeing.... this is *supposed* to be a thrift store.  There's nothing 'thrifty' about a $25 Transformers costume.

I know this, for a fact, because I've seen THE. SAME. COSTUMES. at The Goodwill for the whopping price of $12.99 and lower..... ALL brand new and still in the packaging - and half the price.  How is that possible?

I looked on the Value Village website and found this:

"Our Mission:  To provide our customers with the best selection and shopping experience of any thrift store in the world."

Dude.... Mission NOT Complete.

How could they ever *think* these are reasonable prices?  The local WALMART has name-brand costume for at least $10.00 cheaper.... now, if I'm someone who is looking to SAVE money on my costumes and shopping in thrift store, wouldn't I be expecting to pay *less* than I would at WalMart?  I really can't even wrap my brain around it all.  Honestly.  

Now, aside from the political issue's here - let me tell you how it *feels* to be the Mom standing in Value Village trying to explain to your over-excited 8 year old that, in spite of standing in a "Value Village", you still can't afford to buy him squat.

It feel like shit.
That's how it feels.

It feels like 38 years of art school and a decent career as a photographer amounts of jack nothing when it comes down to being a single parent and having rent and medical insurance and car insurance and a car payment (which is totally reasonable) -and oh.... yeah - trying to figure out how to go to college so that I can do that thing called 'sustain myself' in my old age because I no longer have that "life partner" to do that with that I had counted on.  And yes... I have Hail Mary - but anyone in my shoes will tell you that you're a dumbass if you put your financial eggs in anyone else's basket.....

Big Girl Panties are on.... and I handle my own shit... but my shit is also broke. lol

I was so angry standing in that store - among the marked down, broke and dirty dishes and whatnot marked for $1.00 a piece..... and yet - their Halloween area is OUT.FUCKING.RAGEOUS.  Why......?  I fully expect to be standing in Macy's or Yonkers or The Bon Marche - and tell my kid.... "Dude, sorry, we can't afford that.".  That's *exactly* why I don't shop in those places.... I already know I can't afford it - so why bother the emotional embarrassment of having to admit that to my kids?
I'll pass......

I did not, in a million years - ever think that I would have to stand in a freaking "thrift store" and utter those same words.... actually, I'll be blunt:  I never thought I would have to utter those words to my kids period.

The worst of it all was that they had this standing witch that had a 'step here' pad and she cackled and moved her head - and The Boy is just going out of his MIND over her.... but I think she looks dirty and dusty and I noticed that the back of her it tied to a long rope to the wall - because it's clear she doesn't stay upright without being tied to the wall - which means she's broken.

So The Boy asks how much she is .... and she's $150.00!!!!!!!

What. The. Hell??????

You can walk into the Spirit Store and get a walking/talking Walking Dead Girl for $150.00 BRAND NEW.  You can get the Swinging Zombie Girl for $170, or the The Hanging Pumpkin.... so - yeah - if I *HAD* $150 - why would I buy some old, shitty, dirty and broken-ass witch at a thrift store?

Not so thrifty..... sigh.

As it is, I still bought the kids a few things and voiced my displeasure to the manage who blew me off - I mean... really?  *I* am your target market - a Mom getting by on very little trying to make the holidays nice for her kids.... isn't THAT who shops at thrift stores?

I'm not the only *parent* in my situation - living on a budget..... it's *offensive* to state that you are supplying people with 'thrift' when you're really just robbing them.... at least in my humble opinion.

I was disappointed with myself, too  because we went in there to hunt for treasure and The Boy had to walk out with out any because I couldn't afford them.... and I can't not afford them because I have a closet full of fancy clothes and iPods and iPhones and iPads and whatever else..... I can't afford them because The Boy broke his glasses a week ago, so I pulled together money for new frames which we put his old and scratched lenses in..... but The Boy has an appointment with his specialist at on the 28th and will most certainly be getting a whole new prescription which I will have to buy all new glasses for.

Yes... I can hear you - kids glasses aren't that much... right?  
Well, may be for most kids - but for MY kids- after having gone blind in each eye and having had TWO full lens replacements (one in each eye) - The Boy wears bifocals that have to be specially made .... and they aren't cheap.

And, because life currently loves screwing with me.... we lost those *new* frames on Friday - and tonight The Boy had to do his reading homework with a magnifying glass.  Otherwise, the type was too small for him to read.

Now *THAT* ... Value Village - THAT is fucking thrifty.
My eight year old at the dinning table doing his homework with a magnifying glass:  that is was thrift looks like.

On a bright note..... school is going well for The Boy who's teacher adores him and finds him to lovely and well-mannered and he's very proud of the work he's bringing home... so even though this is harder than any time we've had before, I know we're doing the right thing because the personal success of The Boy means more than knock-off costumes anyway.
Sigh.

And, for the record, I'm not trying to be all - "poor me"..... I'm trying to say - our economy is such that LOTS of families are being creative and shopping thrifty to make sure they can pay their bills and still provide those extra's at holiday time that really make the time of year for kids - extra special.... I know there are Moms who have it waaaaay worse - and I can assure you I'm not the only Mom who was horrified to walk in and see their prices.... and you know what - that just sucks. lol
That's all.... it just sucks.

Hmm..... for some time now I have been quiet about La Novia and El Capitan.  On one hand... there hasn't been that much to say.... but on the other hand, I was trying to let things be and let our relationships grow a bit more naturally and away from "The Blog", so to speak.

Last year I posted about how *GREAT* the local Spirit Store staff was to The Boy and The Girl.  To say that The Boy is *obsessed* with Halloween would be putting it mildly.... very. mildly. lol

So this year started with us visiting the store as soon as the sign went up the building - as in... the shelves are still empty and no one is even inside the building - we *still* had to drive y every single day to check their progress.

The Boy knows where *everything* is.  He knows when the Try Me buttons aren't working, or when one of the animatronics isn't working right.  And, being his mother's son, he'll march right on over to an employee and very nicely tell them.... and thankfully - they are all very kind to him and usually let him help.

Above are the pictures of The Boy's "Spirit Store" that he now has at The Bubbie's house.  80% of what you see in the photos all came from The Spirit Store, though it's missing his stand up screaming Ghost Face (from the Scream movies) and his end-all-be-all important Freddie Krueger animatronic that I bought for him last year - those are still packed up until another week or so.

He goes into his "store" and he sets up his cash register.
He makes sale signs - though he thinks that 30% off and $30 off are the same thing... so we're working on that one. lol

He sets up all his stuff in one area, then a little while later he'll come out and tell us that they got a 'new shipment in' and he has to move things around to 'make room' for this new 'item' or that one.  It's a very serious business he has going on.... and he loves every single second of it.

All the employee's know him - and even though there is a store 5 minutes from where we live now.... I *still* have to drive him 45 minutes one way - to go to his favorite store with his *favorite* manager.  This guy.... he's been so incredibly kind to The Boy.  Now.... let me be *super* clear - he doesn't give us "special" discounts or freebies - I pay for everything and use whatever coupons Spirit has sent me over email.  

But, like with most of the more important things in life, this isn't about money, this is about time.  The manager always greets him with a hug and a high-five.  He always makes time to walk around the store and talk about whatever is new and he NEVER EVER makes this waaaaaaay hyper and over excited 8 year old feel like's taking up too much of his time or that he's a bother..... and this has been a lifeline for The Boy.

A fucking lifeline.

The Boy spends *all year* waiting for The Spirit Store to open - and the staff there really, truly appreciate The Boy's exuberance.  IT's kind of awesome.

So, of course going there every. single. day. means money..... money we don't have.  Now, let's be *super* clear and say that this is *for sure* a First World Problem.... waaaaahhh... I can't afford to buy my kid toys at The Spirit Store.... but it's not like that for The Boy - he *Really* wants to buy stuff and keep it in the box for HIS store. lolol  

Last year I managed to make it work somewhat... but this year... *this year* has been brutal on the finances - so our trips to The Spirit Store have been taking a toll and the manager knew it... so - he HIRED The Boy to "work" at his store one shift a week. 
The Boy just about lost his freakin' mind.  Seriously.

One day a week for about 30 minutes, The Boy puts on that magical purple apron and walks around with the manager (while I linger nearby), and they straighten shelves, or fix displays.  The Boy tests the various buttons and looks for broken or misplaced items and then puts them where they should be.   He takes items without tags to the front and then "helps" make the new tag and "re-shelves" the items.  He'll even answer questions and tell people how "cool" this thing is or that thing is.... and people always stop and stare that The Boy is so verbal and forward and unafraid to talk to them. lol
Like I said.... he *is* his Mother's son.

In fact, he's sold people a few of the "Zombie babies" and a few other items.....

It's been a crazy year and a half..... and some pretty shitty things have happened to us..... not the least of which was that I broke *another* crown today.... ugh.  why can't *any* of my clients be a dentist??? lol..... but there have been a number of set backs and hard times and even harder emotional times..... and then most of it has been pretty public - which has brought both support and criticism.

However, it's also brought about the opportunity for people -even total strangers - to be kind in ways I never dreamed of..... like The Spirit Store staff.  They don't get paid to be nice to my son, but they are kinder to him and have given him so much emotional support  - and done it just because they appreciate him.
That's amazing.... truly. fucking. amazing.

So today was "work day" for The Boy and The Girl and they had a BLAST..... then he packed up his "Ouchy The Clown", complete with his own Try Me Button in his box (which at this point, The Boy takes with us *everywhere* we go..... and Ouchy is a clown doll with a knife in his hand that "stabs" up and down and say's creepy little things.... and The Boy LOVES him.

We headed out to go have a quick dinner with El Capitan because he's working all week and won't otherwise see the kids and *of course* we have to drag Ouchy The Clown in with us.
Sigh.

At the end of dinner we are walking out the door and a man at a table stops The Boy to ask him about Ouchy - and The Boy quickly launches into a sales pitch about all his features and demonstrates his Try Me Button.  The man is taken aback and smiling and laughing a little... clearly surprised that our son would just stand there and shoot the shit about a stabbing clown doll with a total stranger while El Capitan and I look on proudly.

Then - to ALL our surprise - The Boy say's this gem, "Well, if you want to get one of your own, you should go right now to The Spirit store because I re-stocked the shelves with just one more- JUST. ONE. MORE. - doll today.  Do you know where The Spirit Store is?"

Then The Boy proceeded to give the man directions to the nearest store and then followed it up with.... "Ask for my friend XXXXXXX and be sure to tell them I said "hi"."

Crazy..... The Spirit Store has given him such a solid boost of confidence - and that was a gift the staff have given him and nothing I could ever buy.... in fact, it's the best thing to come out of The Spirit Store and it didn't cost me a penny.

So.... if you're out and about this year - and in need of costumes or Halloween decor- *please* consider stopping by your local Spirit Store, The Boy would really appreciate it!  (You can shop online too, but The Boy would tell you that it wouldn't be the same!)

**************************************************************************************
Legal Disclaimer:  The Boy IS NOT financially compensated in *any* way for his "shift".  Nor I do expect him to be.  His actual "shift" is doing what most costumers do - walking around and checking stuff - only instead of knocking displays over, breaking the dolls, pulling off tags and prices or pulling down the lines of costumes - The Boy does the opposite and nicely puts stuff back that people have knocked over.
IT's like shopping in reverse... lol.  I stay close at hand. :)

Things have been going pretty well.... I mean, we're totally skint right now. lol..... but, in terms of the kids and I settling in with Hail Mary... that is going pretty good.

Hail Mary had signed up to do this dance class in Albany which is a two and a half hour drive from where we live.... only - the class is only Friday nights, so it's more like a 2.5 hour drive if she leaves work REALLY early to beat the traffic.

That's one of my favorite things about Hail Mary - she'll try anything and is game for doing just about anything... so when a teammate wanted to learn ballroom dancing - Hail Mary signed right up.

However, it's also been a bit of a pain because of the distance and the time and the gas.... AND - if El Capitan has the kids that night, then we lose our "date" night for the month.... sigh.

Anyway - this last Friday the class was cancelled and so we got to have Hail Mary home for Friday night - which the kids were pretty excited about.

I have, more or less, handled Hail Mary's relationship with kids just as I handled their relationship with each other.  No one has been forced to hug or kiss or love or accept .... *anyone*.  It's been organic and a bit natural from the start.  When they met her I told them that she was Mommy's girlfriend and that Mommy liked her.  That was all. 

The took to her instantly, holding her hand to cross the street, or jumping waves together at the beach.... they seemed to warm to Hail Mary and trust her right away - which was perfect and amazing.  But I left it at that. I didn't push or encourage anything else.

For the record, all along the road I have made it clear to The Boy that this is NOT a 'one way' street where he just has to 'accept' my choices or the people in our life - and he knows that he can tell me if he's not happy, or if he's unhappy with Hail Mary or even with me.....  But, he was the one who infamously told me mid-ass-wipe that he thought that Hail Mary was the "gal" for us.
Seems like he was right.......

So things have been moving along- hugs goodnight and general getting along.... oh - and they also ignore Hail Mary just as much as they ignore me when I'm telling them it's time to go to bed... parenting equality. lol

Friday, however.... the earth shifted and things changed.

We took the kids to Sweet Tomatoes for dinner (buffet and we had a coupon dammit! lol) - and I don't remember what happened.... but The Boy and Hail Mary were joking around and suddenly The Boy leaned over and kissed Hail Mary on the cheek.... 

Wow.  Shocker.  lol

I sat watching... oh - because they both fight over who gets to sit next to Hail Mary all the time - so I was sitting on the other side of the booth on my own.... I was surprised as no one had really kissed anyone before and at 8 years old The Boy has been.... a bit distant at times.

But The Boy set into motion the kissing train and The Girl jumped right on board and soon.... I watched as the three of them were planting big kisses on everyone's cheeks dozens of times and laughing and making a game of it.... It just kind of happened.

It was amazing.  Amazing and a bit of a break through because now every night both kids are giving us kisses on the cheek and 'one last snuggle' before bed time.... and it really makes me feel like we're that much closer to feeling really whole as a family.

Sunday night The Boy needed to finish his homework and I was making dinner so Hail Mary sat next to him and helped him through it all.  Then Monday night The Boy walked up Hail Mary and asked her to sit with him and help him with his homework again.... how cute is that?

Then tonight I was making dinner and I forgot bread, so Hail Mary took the kids and ran to the store.  When they came home The Girl was SOB.BING.  OMG.  Just snot running out of her nose, tears streaming down her face.... crying.

Turns out that Hail Mary was carrying the prettiest vase of PURPLE ROSES.  Which, unbeknownst to Hail Mary - Purple Roses are my very favorite flower.... purple being my favorite color and all.  However, The Girl was crying because SHE wanted Hail Mary to be buying her flowers too.

The Girl, being only four, doesn't fully understand what having a 'girlfriend' means - so she keeps saying that Hail Mary is 'Mommy's girlfriend' and "my girlfriend, too".  lol.  It's very cute and sweet and innocent and The Boy laughs hysterically when The Girl say's this... and we all keep trying to explain over and over and over that The Girl can't have Hail Mary as a "girlfriend".... but she refuses to accept this so far.

So tonight she was crying because she wanted her own flowers from Hail Mary..... 
And that's kind of amazing.

Kids don't sit you down and say - "hey, I really like you and I like how you treat me and I respect you and love you and want to spend time with you."  No.... they cry because you didn't' get them flowers and ask you to help them with their homework and kiss you on the cheek at bedtime..... that's how they tell you.
Awesome.

The Boy is doing well in school.... his teacher adores him.  And his work is nothing but "super" and "great job" at the top..... Halloween is here - and we're all happy......

hmm..... I wonder what will happen next? lol

Dear XXXXXX,

First of all, I wanted to say that I know it's may be kind of weird that I'm writting this to you, having been your teacher and stuff... but we're facebook friends yo'.... and not much is/has been kept secret from you.

Second.... I wanted to say how touched I was when you steadfastly supported me when I came out last year - really..... you never cease to amaze me.  Thanks for that.
You're amazeballs.

This is actually so hard for me to write.

I'm pretty sure that I've disappointed you - by not returning to school to teach photography.  I know how much you loved the class and I've LOVED LOVED LOVED having you as a student for the last few years... I see so much of who I was at your age:  creative, fun, vibrant, a little wild..... you are that and so much more.  I really loved teaching those classes and it was incredibly hard for me to accept that I would not be able to return this year.

The thing is.... reality sucks.  (BTW - this is a great movie you should see in a few years with Winona Ryder - 'Reality Bites'  - just know that Ethan Hawke really wouldn't change in real life.....).   Anyhow.... *my* reality sucks a bit - and circumstances require that I get a full time job, which means no more homeschooling for [The Boy] and no ability to continue to teach for me.

It doesn't really matter how I got here - ie. the whole husband leaving me thing.... but looking back it *matters* how I got here and that is what I wanted to write you about.

Life is a wonderful thing.
It's full of rainbows and sunshine and opportunity and dreams - and all of that really is at your feet... truly.

But the thing is..... you have to fight for it.
And .... you have to fight to keep it.

When I was, not that much older than you, I couldn't *wait* to get married.....I had this whole June Cleaver (ok... out of date reference - Leave it To Beaver - it's a show, look it up.) - idea about what I wanted my life to be.  I wanted to grow up and get married and have kids who slept in twins beds in the same room.  Kids who came running down the stairs for breakfast and ran off to school with a skip in their step.... and a husband who loved me and patted me on the butt as he headed out the front door carrying the lunch I would have lovingly made for him.

Yeah.... I know:  I wasn't too smart, huh?

Even though that wasn't how life was turning out for me... I still help onto that dream.  It wasn't bad that I held onto that dream - it wasn't bad that I always put my family first - ahead of me, ahead of my needs as a woman and a person..... but, it kind of was.
Let me tell you why.

When I first got married and I got into a car accident and I was awarded some injury money I used *all* that money to pay off a few bills and (mostly) a large bill my husband had from before we were married - over $5,000.  Later, when I came into some more money I used $12,000 for the down payment on our home, $15,000 for improving that home, another $5,000 for another debt that belonged to my husband a few other things......

I SHOULD have put some of that money away for a 'rainy day'..... may be I could have put $10,000 away in a separate account for the future.... and may be that future could have been a trip to Europe on our 20th Wedding Anniversary..... or, as the case turned out to be, I could have used that money to help off-set the cost of living on my own with two kids after my husband left.

Instead..... when my husband walked away - he walked away pretty much debt free.... and I walked away with debts and a little bit of savings that I used up in 13 months of COBRA payments to keep my health insurance.

You see.... it was okay to fall in love.
It was good to be so willing as to use every penny I had to pay what I thought were "our" bills and help our family get ahead.... but in the end - when I was putting so much into everyone else, I forgot to keep 'investing' in myself.

Forgetting to 'invest' in myself has now cost me everything..... no more homeschooling for the kids. No more teaching..... and, worst of all - no more being solely a photographer.

It's the only "job" I've really had for going on 18 years now..... but, it doesn't pay so great and I have to find a ways and means to ensure that I can pay rent and buy food and clothes and gas.... and our rainy weather makes working in the winter months very hard and not financially reliable for a single Mom.

Because that studio I had in the house I put the down payment on.... and 'improved'.... that belongs to someone else now.  

So, my point to you is this:  while I can't be your teacher anymore, there is one last lesson I want you to learn and it is this:  DO NOT STOP INVESTING IN YOURSELF.

Fall in love.
Fall head over heels, ass over tea-kettle, mind blowing, heart stopping.... BREATHLESSLY in love.
And Trust.
Fully trust whoever you are with with everything fiber of your being and every ounce of your love.
But.... invest in yourself at the same time.

Make your career plans... and don't drop out in the fourth year of your English Degree so that your husband can go to college for Chemical Engineering.... (because yeah, I did that, too and now I'm 38 with only two-year degree and no way to really "make" any kind of serious money...... sigh.)

So, make your plans and GO TO COLLEGE or a trade school and get a trade you love.... and when you're lucky enough to be doing that trade or job... don't give it up for the betterment of *anyone* else but yourself because life comes at your fast - sometimes it's a heart-attack or a fast car or a landslide or a 22 year old - but something could take away your partner and leave with you nothing if you have put allllll your financial eggs in their basket.

If you think life is hard now at a teenager..... let me tell you sucks major balls to be starting your entire life over at 38..... trust me.

Wait.... the only thing worse than starting over at my age is knowing that the hand that has now been dealt to you means that you have to change your children's life in ways that they don't want changed and you honestly don't know if it's all for the best or not...... but at the end of the day - it doesn't matter:  money has to made, rent has to be paid...and two kids need to be in public school so that the former two things can happen.
Yeah.... that's worse.

Invest in yourself.  Earn your own money and put some of it aside - may be it's for the world's biggest and baddest 50 year Wedding Anniversary.... or for your kids college or a down payment on a retirement beach house..... or may be, it'll be the money you need for first and last on an apartment you need for you and your two kids when you suddenly find yourself single.

In years past I would have thought that advice to be cynical and wrong.... as though I were "preparing" or planning for the "end" of things.... that certainly doesn't show faith - and I'm *supposed* to have faith and act in that faith.... which is all find and well - but I SHOULD have had faith in myself and invested in both my family and in me.....

So.  Don't be like me.  

Follow your heart.
Live life by the seat of your pants (within reason, young lady.....)
Be carefree and full of hope.
Be honest and true and have faith in love.....
But invest in yourself.

Invest in an education and a trade.
Invest your savings.

Share.... but don't sacrifice everything you are and everything you have for *any* relationship.
And ..... always love yourself.   Know, especially as a woman, that you are more than a pant size - this is true, but I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that it's soooooooo much easier to take off 10 pounds than it is 100 pounds.... just.... invest in yourself.

You have no idea how sad I am not to be there with you this year.  It's a huge regret for me.  HUGE.
But.... again, this is because I didn't keep 'investing' in myself.... so this is the end result.

You are gorgeous and talented and wonderful..... and a talented little photographer. :)  Just do me a favor and when you lose that head of yours and fall in love for reals'....... remember to keep loving yourself enough to keep investing in yourself as much as you are investing in your relationship.
Then your life will be incrediballs.

You deserve nothing less.

Elle