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One Upmanship.... and other words I can't spell.

3/5/2013

5 Comments

 
I was thinking the other day how *gray* my hair is turning.... I feel like I've lived ten years in the last eleven months.  Soooooo many things have happened - good and bad and so much personal growth.  Which is probably a good thing because clearly neither of us was doing much in the 'personal growth' department *during* our marriage.... which proved to be rather problematic.

With the media attention slowed to a very minimal trickle my focus has shifted firmly to our future - what kind of job am I going to get?  Should I go back to school.....?  (feel free to chime in here with any solid advice..) - and also going to the gym *a lot* and working hard at losing weight and taking care of the three of us.

In the same time, El Capitan has turned a corner and has kept his steady times with the kids (two afternoons a week) and thus far.... he hasn't missed one in just about 8 weeks.  This has been good for the kids - and I think it's been good for El Capitan, too.

For me, this whole process has been..... a little bit crazy.  And - because I crafted a f*cking hilarious sign... I get judged for being "crazy"... or a "psycho ex" and all kinds of awesome things like that.  I don't really mind, I mean - I get it... *most* people who make a sign like that are out to get someone - out to hurt someone.. etc.  I fully understand and accept how some people can interpret the sign, however, I think that once people take time to read a few blog entries, they can quickly see that I am not crazy (well, not in a totally awful kind of way) - and that all in all - things are pretty good around here.... 

So, I got a call from a journalist who is doing a story for some magazine on the East Coast and he asked to interview me for his article.  Ok.... sure.

We get to chatting and I'm impressed because this guy has done his homework and he knows that The Bubbie first came up with the sign idea,etc.  So I explain the sign and the theme behind it and the real estate market in our area... on and on.  He asks about the media coverage and how we felt about that - which, honestly, I'm not sure how to answer that question.  I mean - our house did sell, and that was the goal - BUT - it came at a pretty public price and I'm not sure (in either direction) if we would do it again or not.

But... knowing me:  probably.

He asks me what I think sets me apart from other "scorned" women you see posting pictures of their ex's trashed cars, etc, on facebook.... and I said:  because I didn't do that.

He points out that I made the sign which was a very public way to get "vengeance."
He's not wrong... I agree to that, but *that* was never the intention of the sign.....

So I thought for a second and I said...... "What sets me apart is that I did the right thing.  I didn't screw anyone over.  I didn't drag sh*t out in court.  I did the right thing - even when everyone else told me to do something different... even if I was emotionally entitled to do something else:  I stayed the course."

So we talked a little more about that.... and then he said that the point of the article was women who "one up" their ex. Hmmmm...... and then there was silence.

I thought about this for a second... and then I said, "What does burning his clothes get me?  Or spray painting his car?  Other than an arrest record... not much.  I took the high road - I can hold my head up.  I didn't go crazy. I didn't act in anger or revenge - THAT is how I've one-uppped him.  He has to deal with what he did and the damage he caused.... but I sleep soundly at night.  In the end... I win.  My life is good and whole and happy.... and *I* am good and whole and happy because I didn't freak out and blow sh*t up leaving chunks and pieces of myself littered on the road to healing.... I did the right thing in the face of the wrong thing and there's a victory in that that El Capitan will never know."

To which he replied... "Yes, you make a very valid point."

Then tonight ended with El Capitan and I having coffee at Red Robin.  I asked him to meet to talk about us and the kids and a few other things.... and it was nice.  Actually, it was more than nice.

That was the first time we had sat down together and had coffee since July.
Wow.  That's crazy.

Right about now a year ago... I was a happyish housewife - and El Capitan was starting to flirt with Yoga Girl.  In a few more weeks:  they started texting.  

Tonight, I sat across from my ex-husband and laughed.
Yes.... we laughed.

We had a nice time - chatting for a few hours, and talking about the kids and how we think future visits need to go and changing the times for his basketball games... etc.  It was.... normal.  Perhaps too normal because our waiter couldn't get over how "well" we seemed to "get-along".... and El Capitan said, "Dude... you don't even know the half of it....."

To which I said... "Well, it's easier to get along when he leaves his girlfriend at home because she's just a 22 year old baby and she has to sit in the high chair while we feed her baby food... and *that* gets awkward."

To which the waiter nearly pee'd his pants laughing and even El Capitan couldn't hold in his smirk.
See.... I'm funny. :)

We had a nice night.  There are still some things I don't like that he does... but then again - I didn't like everything he did while we were married, so I think it's to be expected that I won't like everything he does when we aren't married anymore.

I drove home tonight - very tired.... but also very.... happy.
I'm still here.
The pain took me down... but it didn't take me out.
The betrayal tore me up... but it didn't tear me down.
The tears swelled up around me... but they didn't drown me.
Not only am I still *here*- but I'm happy and whole and a complete person who can hold their head up.
Woof*ckinghoo.

Not only that.... but I'm feeling strong standing on my own two feet: strong than I ever did while I was married.
I'm not sure that I'll ever believe that getting divorced was better for my children ... but I'm starting to think that getting divorced was one of the best things that ever happened to me.  

Guess we'll have to wait and see.... but ones things for sure:  I "one-up" and then some. :)




5 Comments
Meredith Rasberry
3/5/2013 10:28:32 pm

Good Morning Elle,

I agree with you! There is nothing wrong with being amicable with the ex. My ex and I are better friends now than we ever were before and I enjoy his friendship. My new husband has no issues with it and it makes things easier on the children. Although my children are older and I have one grand baby I don't ever want to have to fight and struggle to be a part of his life because his grand father and I don't get along not to mention it's better for me health wise. I'm in a much happier place that I ever was before and like you I'm happy and whole and complete. My husband too was a cheater for many years and left me for a woman he met online nonetheless but it wasn't my fault and I'm not going to pay for his mistakes. It makes me a better person to not yell and scream and fight and tear up his stuff. So many people were against me giving him all his personal items after the divorce they all suggested I destroy and what not and I thought no..I won't do it because I wouldn't want it done to me and Jesus is watching me as well as my children. I came out the better person and my life is rich and happy and filled with much love and laughter. I "up'd him" by being a better person in the situation and I applaud you for how you are and what you do. Keep going and keep writing. I look forward to reading your blog.

Reply
Kay
3/5/2013 11:40:54 pm

Ahhh... you are so RIGHT! The best part of getting *even* is living well, not just with a boat load of money but more importantly, in mind, body, soul.

Divorce was the BEST choice for me as it gave me an opportunity to be independent which my ex forbid. For me, I get even every day (even today) because I can make my own choices, and I don't have to seek his approval and frankly, I don't have to wonder who the hell he's sleeping with when he's gone for several hours because I don't care. Truth be told, when I do see him which is rarely, I do not recognize him at all. Someone always seems to recognize him and points him out to me. When I look, I about puke and can't believe I was once married to that person as he's just not my style.

But the one curious question remains.... how the hell do these EX's get away from their *new* little squeeze.... imagine the excuse they use.... now you can laugh because as the ex wife you know he's capable of being a liar even if the truth would less dramatic.

Good Post.

Reply
Alex
3/6/2013 01:06:11 am

Hi Elle!

What did that journalist mean by "one-upping"? Isn't the definition of that competition and undermining someone else's accomplishment by churning out a better one, usually out of spite?

I don't think that's what you did at all, at least as far as being a better person. If that was your intention the whole time, coming off a "better person" was just to spite El Capitan, or compete with him you didn't need to go very far because let's face it, barring you committing murder, he'd already lost the "competition" from the get-go.

I think you worked to be a better person mostly for your own sake more than to show him up.

Hopefully, for her sake, Yoga Girl will grow up & out of the high chair soon and get some confidence in herself rather than getting it from El Capitan, who clearly doesn't view her as an equal. Being bold, brazen, entitled or self congratulatory are never real substitutes for actual *confidence*, and actual confidence would have protected her from becoming the vehicle for some dude trying to regress in life. And protected her from wanting the love of someone other young women her age would consider laughable at best. There's nothing like being young & in love, but it totally sucks when your heart is at the mercy of a complete tool. I know that feeling well.

What saved me was deciding to build a life of my own, establish who I really was, become self reliant, independent and free so I could love whoever I chose, not "needed", be it emotionally, or financially, and have a partner who chose me freely too. I have a man who chooses me freely. It's sooo much better than what I had with the other "big love" of my life.

True love has always been for the strong, never the weak. You've got a weak man Yoga Girl, one who doesn't really know who he is yet. Don't you want something more?

Reply
suharyanto link
3/6/2013 10:32:16 am

waw, this is very touching my heart. I am also a husband with 2 children, but our family economic hardship so often happens pertengkatan small.

I've tried a variety of businesses and a way to meet the needs of family life, but it has not materialized as well.

I am trying to sell what I can sell to support their families on the internet tp apparently too difficult to find a buyer, maybe it's my fault because only educated vocational course.

I hope you and your children healthy always.

Reply
Susan G.
3/7/2013 07:36:32 am

You have One-Up'd for sure. You also can blog about meeting El Capitan for coffee, have a good time doing it, and NO ONE can say that you are doing anything wrong. That must really bite Yoga Girl in the @$$. - and you are not even trying to - that's the best revenge of all! :)

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