First of all, let's *try* to keep in mind that I could have come out and said.... "El Capitan ruined me - I'll never trust another man again..... blah blah blah." I could have become a man-hater.... and you know what? Not too many people would have blamed me......
But I didn't.
*WHEN* I was ready to start dating I was *finally* ready to address a lifetime of questions and confusion and fear..... and be who I really am.
I am NOT brave.
Believe me.... I'm not.
I'm just trying to be honest...... that's all.
Colin - a Blog reader - wanted to know what kind of "deal" I had with El Capitan... had I told him while we were married? Did we have some kind of agreement.....?
Sure.... it was I'll cook dinner and you do the dishes....
I'll do the shopping... you unload the car.
I'll change this diaper and you get the next one.......?
You work 60 hours a week and I'll work 50 hours a week and we'll raise two kids the best we can....
*THAT* was our deal.
I never ever felt anything but love for El Capitan until the day he left... and even *now* - there is a love for him and a desire for things to turn out well for him- NOT because I'm gay and I want to 'let him off the hook'... but because this man is the father of my children and it's important to their emotional development for them to see him succeed.
It is *incredibly* important to our children's emotional health and their ability to maintain future adult relationships that they see us heal and grow and succeed as a family living in two households. THIS has been the *only* driving force behind every choice I have made since El Capitan walked out our front door carrying one backpack and a cell phone full of text messages.....
So much so.... that is *almost* had me making the same choice to be straight that I had been making for decades...... Almost.
I think there is some kind of ..... well - a lack of understanding about what being a lesbian is - at least for me, anyway. I think we all interpret our sexuality differently, however..... for me - hmmm..... how can I put this?
I like meat. I like bacon. That *doesn't* mean that I won't eat a salad (shocking I know... but I *do* actually eat salad.... lol), it doesn't mean that I don't also eat bread and fruits and veggie's.... of course, we *all* know I like donuts best... hahahaha.
In that same way - I like girls.... I know that I would prefer to marry a girl and when it comes to sex... yes, I would very much prefer to be with a woman - *however* - I'm not running around drooling over every cow in the pasture... and *nor* do I drool over or lust after or even find *every* woman on the planet attractive.
I never had a crush on a girl in grade school or high school.... or ... at all.
The first time I crushed on a girl I was 37 years old and she was covered head to toe in tattoo's,boys clothes, short hair, a motorcycle and collection of muscle cars.
That's the truth.
There were no "women" during my marriage who I wanted to be with or crushed on....and - let's be frank - *how* many of you are currently fighting with your spouse over your sex life? Ten long, hard working years of marriage - and *most* couples aren't banging out the magic every night.... or even every other night.... actually - most people with two full time jobs and two young kids are relying on their google calendar to set the NIGHT they'll have sex in a two week period.
We were no different.
Life came at us fast .... and hard. We have actually talked about this - El Capitan and I - how, in our early days (month two of our marriage) - I spent 6 months in a back brace - which mean no sex... and we would sit on the couch every night holding hands.... we would be 'intimate' in a different way.....
As the years passed - and we faced other medical challenges that impeded our marital relationship in the bedroom - and we worked around it a little bit.....
El Capitan say's it was around year 8 that he started to wonder if may be I was gay..... he said there wasn't any specific reason - he just started to wonder.... but he *never* asked - and by then.... I had just settled into a routine where we had certain patterns and stuck to them.
El Capitan freely admits that the thing he *should* have done was TALK to me about it.... any time I begged him to talk to me... or a counselor.... but he didn't.
For me.... I was happy. I didn't know any different. I had never been with a woman - so not only did I *not* know what I was missing in my life... but I didn't fully understand what El Capitan was "missing" by being married to me.... (which according to him- isn't much... trust me: I asked).
But yes - under the pressure of his family being kind of sh*tty to him, and crazy hours at work and pressure and kids..... our marriage - like *MANY OTHERS* broke under the strain of our daily life and the myraid of issue's we had - and while my being a lesbian most *surely* comes under that heading... so does not communicating, not taking time for ourselves and for each other.... so does letting life take over to the point where we were *both* getting less than 5 or 6 hours of sleep.....
All the details kind of got lost in the rubble in our life.....
That's the truth.
My rubble might look a little different from your rubble.... but it's all adds up the same if it ends your marriage.
For me.... the hardest part of actually accepting myself is that it took me a while to even figure out how *I* could be married to El Capitan and be gay.... because - I never stopped loving him. Knowing that my love of him was so intense and whole - I thought there was no way on earth I was actually gay.... because that made no sense to me at all.
For some people there seems to be this impression that he left and I was running around high-fiving dykes and throwing a triumphant fist in the air to celebrate my "freedom".... and *that* is really not the case.
Those early days and months where I was in the pit of the worst emotional hell I've ever felt.... I wish like *hell* I would have been able to give myself an easy out by saying.... "Phew... well - none of this matters because I'm gay anyway....."
that would have been soooooo much easier than working through my sh*t and his sh*t and our collective failed sh*t to get the bottom of everything and start healing..... if I could have just slapped a label on myself and moved the f*ck on.... believe me: I would have.
Every step of my journey - every Blog post, ever page of the Book is still, very much, my true story... because I needed to heal.... and I *didn't* want to waste my time crying over him..... I wanted to find a way to heal us all as best I could so that we could move forward ....
I did that because that's what I thought was best for the children.