greatfamilyhome.com
Search for a Post
  • The House & Sign
    • Magnets!!!!
  • The Scorned & Bitter Blog
    • Disneyland!
  • The Book!
  • Say Hi to Elle!

Not The Easy Way Out.....

6/12/2013

5 Comments

 
I'm only slightly less angry today.... so reader... be warned. :)

First of all, let's *try* to keep in mind that I could have come out and said.... "El Capitan ruined me - I'll never trust another man again..... blah blah blah."  I could have become a man-hater.... and you know what?  Not too many people would have blamed me......

But I didn't.

*WHEN* I was ready to start dating I was *finally* ready to address a lifetime of questions and confusion and fear..... and be who I really am.

I am NOT brave.
Believe me.... I'm not.
I'm just trying to be honest...... that's all.

Colin - a Blog reader - wanted to know what kind of "deal" I had with El Capitan... had I told him while we were married?  Did we have some kind of agreement.....?

Sure.... it was I'll cook dinner and you do the dishes....
I'll do the shopping... you unload the car.
I'll change this diaper and you get the next one.......?
You work 60 hours a week and I'll work 50 hours a week and we'll raise two kids the best we can.... 
*THAT* was our deal.

I never ever felt anything but love for El Capitan until the day he left... and even *now* - there is a love for him and a desire for things to turn out well for him- NOT because I'm gay and I want to 'let him off the hook'... but because this man is the father of my children  and it's important to their emotional development for them to see him succeed.

It is *incredibly* important to our children's emotional health and their ability to maintain future adult relationships that they see us heal and grow and succeed as a family living in two households.  THIS has been the *only* driving force behind every choice I have made since El Capitan walked out our front door carrying one backpack and a cell phone full of text messages..... 

So much so.... that is *almost* had me making the same choice to be straight that I had been making for decades......  Almost.

I think there is some kind of ..... well - a lack of understanding about what being a lesbian is - at least for me, anyway.  I think we all interpret our sexuality differently, however..... for me - hmmm..... how can I put this?

I like meat.  I like bacon.  That *doesn't* mean that I won't eat a salad (shocking I know... but I *do* actually eat salad.... lol), it doesn't mean that I don't also eat bread and fruits and veggie's.... of course, we *all* know I like donuts best... hahahaha.

In that same way - I like girls.... I know that I would prefer to marry a girl and when it comes to sex... yes, I would very much prefer to be with a woman - *however* - I'm not running around drooling over every cow in the pasture... and *nor* do I drool over or lust after or even find *every* woman on the planet attractive.

I never had a crush on a girl in grade school or high school.... or ... at all.
The first time I crushed on a girl I was 37 years old and she was covered head to toe in tattoo's,boys clothes, short hair, a motorcycle and collection of muscle cars.
*swoon.....*

Seriously.
That's the truth.

There were no "women" during my marriage who I wanted to be with or crushed on....and - let's be frank - *how* many of you are currently fighting with your spouse over your sex life?  Ten long, hard working years of marriage - and *most* couples aren't banging out the magic every night.... or even every other night.... actually - most people with two full time jobs and two young kids are relying on their google calendar to set the NIGHT they'll have sex in a two week period.

We were no different.
Life came at us fast .... and hard.  We have actually talked about this - El Capitan and I - how, in our early days (month two of our marriage) - I spent 6 months in a back brace - which mean no sex... and we would sit on the couch every night holding hands.... we would be 'intimate' in a different way.....

As the years passed - and we faced other medical challenges that impeded our marital relationship in the bedroom - and we worked around it a little bit..... 

El Capitan say's it was around year 8 that he started to wonder if may be I was gay..... he said there wasn't any specific reason - he just started to wonder.... but he *never* asked - and by then.... I had just settled into a routine where we had certain patterns and stuck to them.

El Capitan freely admits that the thing he *should* have done was TALK to me about it.... any time I begged him to talk to me... or a counselor.... but he didn't.  

For me.... I was happy.  I didn't know any different.  I had never been with a woman - so not only did I *not* know what I was missing in my life... but I didn't fully understand what El Capitan was "missing" by being married to me.... (which according to him- isn't much... trust me: I asked).

But yes - under the pressure of his family being kind of sh*tty to him, and crazy hours at work and pressure and kids..... our marriage - like *MANY OTHERS* broke under the strain of our daily life and the myraid of issue's we had - and while my being a lesbian most *surely* comes under that heading... so does not communicating, not taking time for ourselves and for each other.... so does letting life take over to the point where we were *both* getting less than 5 or 6 hours of sleep..... 

All the details kind of got lost in the rubble in our life..... 
That's the truth.

My rubble might look a little different from your rubble.... but it's all adds up the same if it ends your marriage.

For me.... the hardest part of actually accepting myself is that it took me a while to even figure out how *I* could be married to El Capitan and be gay.... because - I never stopped loving him.  Knowing that my love of him was so intense and whole - I thought there was no way on earth I was actually gay.... because that made no sense to me at all.

For some people there seems to be this impression that he left and I was running around high-fiving dykes and throwing a triumphant fist in the air to celebrate my "freedom".... and *that* is really not the case.

Those early days and months where I was in the pit of the worst emotional hell I've ever felt.... I wish like *hell* I would have been able to give myself an easy out by saying.... "Phew... well - none of this matters because I'm gay anyway....."

that would have been soooooo much easier than working through my sh*t and his sh*t and our collective failed sh*t to get the bottom of everything and start healing..... if I could have just slapped a label on myself and moved the f*ck on.... believe me:  I would have.

Every step of my journey - every Blog post, ever page of the Book is still, very much, my true story... because I needed to heal.... and I *didn't* want to waste my time crying over him..... I wanted to find a way to heal us all as best I could so that we could move forward ....

I did that because that's what I thought was best for the children.
5 Comments
Kay
6/12/2013 12:32:17 pm

Yep... I have no doubt you are very honest. What bothers me about this whole situation... "YOU EXPLAINING" there is NO FUCKING REASON YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN JACK SHIT.

Your choice of lifestyle is your business, Elle. If there are readers who THINK you do not have a choice and you are living wrong... I recommend you 86 em the hell out of your circle. Remember, assholes are strategically placed for us to find at least one each day.

As for being a MAN-HATER... please don't take my role. I beg of you. I am the Queen Mother of Man-haters. I think every woman should own two. One behind each fucking back tire. PERIOD.

When you find a man, and he reveals he has been married twice... STOP - because TWO women can't be wrong.
When a man has been married three times.... the first two weren't wrong, the third one was tricked.

Now, MOST men who are divorced are dirt balls. It's true. They made promises to their wife and they didn't keep it. IF they are as LUCKY as EC to have a woman like you who was able and willing to move forward, all will turn out eventually. Not all men are as lucky.

My finally thought, and I guess question is to the READERS of this blog.
"What about the fucking men who cheat on their wives with their secret gay lover?" IS that okay? Are they not DUPPING SOMEONE?

I think you all should think about this situation a bit more. Elle, is at least a true soul. How true is YOUR SOUL????? Feel free to post your answer below.

(grrr... some people's kids)

Elle, keep doing what makes you be happy and the hell with the rest.... sometimes, elevators don't always go to the top floor - stair climbing is not easy for most.

Reply
Colin
6/13/2013 01:30:45 am

I'm only acquainted with one man who is single and has been married twice. Jake (not his real name) married his high school sweetheart and she turned out to be manipulative and evil and they were divorced a year later. He married his second wife when he was 25 or so, Jen (my friend). Jen despised his first wife and sometimes would tell me about some of the stuff this girl used to pull; I always imagine that Jake was just the first victim and she went on to become a serial OW.

In 2008 things were going pretty good for Jake/Jen. They had a 3 year old son and a 1 year old daughter and a new house ect. Then Jen got the flu. Except that stuff you always hear about it being dangerous to seniors and children also apparently applies to 31 year old healthy females as well. They went to 5 (?) hospitals but nobody could do anything and Jen's body eventually went septic and she died.

So there you have it, steer clear of this one cause he's obviously toxic. I'm sure while Jen was drifting off to heaven she was hoping that her husband would be always be alone, because he's been married twice, and that her babies would be saved from having to have a stepmom in their lives as a role model.

That's the problem with prejudice. If you focus on "what" a person is, you close yourself off from learning "who" they are. This is just my opinion, but I think Elle was never going to end up being a man-hater. At least from the posts I've read on this blog, prejudice is something that infuriates her. Hating someone for being a man, or black, or gay, or whatever, is writing them off for reasons they have no control over. I just don't see her getting there.

As for the posited question. No, it's not okay to cheat on someone with your gay lover. Do the right thing and end it first. Once a Judas, always a Judas. That's just IMO.

P.S. Generally speaking I agree with the sentiments in your post and that Elle is awesome and doesn't deserve to be taking flak from internet trolls and assholes.

Reply
Michelle R.
6/12/2013 05:28:19 pm

It is sad when marriages and/or relationships crumble, especially when there are kids caught in the middle. There are always multiple factors involved and it is never an easy decision. You really have made leaps and bounds in the little more than a year since your marriage ended. I wasn't married for nearly as long as you, and it took me far longer to get to a point where I could function on a daily basis and even longer to be ready to try a relationship again.

You really deserve a huge amount of respect for putting differences aside and accepting La Novia and helping your children accept her too. Your kids will be so much better emotionally because of it. I wish more people could do that, it's not easy but it feels much better than holding a grudge.

So your a lesbian, I am just thrilled you are ready to put yourself out there and date again. You seem to be really finding your true self and that is something lots of people never do. Being lesbian doesn't diminish your marriage or your love for El Capitan, and anyone who says it does doesn't truly understand love or the commitment of marriage.
You are an incredibly strong person, a wonderful Mother, and I appreciate you sharing your life with me (and your other readers). Hopefully I will get to meet you someday, you seem like a really fun person to hang out with.

-Michelle

Reply
Romana
6/12/2013 06:26:44 pm

Yeah. ;)

Reply
icarus link
6/13/2013 02:24:35 am

"Every step of my journey - every Blog post, ever page of the Book is still, very much, my true story"

That's good to hear. I've been following this blog since its inception though not with any great frequency. That is to say it is in my Google iReader subscriptions which is going away next month.

First, I applaud that the grammar and formatting has improved (a point you acknowledged a few posts ago, so readers, no flaming please).

Second, i have to admit when I realized that you were coming out, my first instinct was: okay here's the next step in the staged journey of this lady all in an attempt to sell her house, her books, build audience or whatever. What next, we find out that the lady formally known as Yoga Girl is really your younger sister that you didn't know about because she alledgedly died at birth.

To be clear, i'm not saying that's what I think you are doing, i'm saying this world has made me so cynical that that was the first thought that entired my mind.

Third (and last I hope), you say "it took me a while to even figure out how *I* could be married to El Capitan and be gay.... because - I never stopped loving him"

Well being gay doesn't mean you cannot love someone nor does it mean a black/white, either/or or 0/1(if you prefer binary) choice structure. Dan Savage contends that sexuality is more of scale with heterosexual at one end and homosexual at the other and many people are at various points in-between. Hence bi-sexuals, or straight guys who like chicks-with-dicks or lesbians who occasionally want sausage. In six months you might discover something else about you in this adventure.

So I guess to sum up this comment, good luck with everything especially putting all this out there in your attempt to heal and make sense of a world that sometimes doesn't make sense. I'll stay tuned to see how this all sorts out.

Reply

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Buy The Book!
    ON AMAZON!

    Picture
    also available on Kindle!!!!!

    Elle Zober

    Mother, "scorned wife", photographer, designer,  potential blog writer and recent guest on The View.... life's been pretty crazy as of late - crazybeautiful that is!
    You can see some of Elle's photography at:
    http://www.zoberimages.com/
    Picture

    Archives

    April 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012

    Categories

    All
    Being A Gay Mom
    Bullies & Internet Trolls
    Cheating Husband
    Cheating Spouses
    Coming Out After 30
    Co Parenting
    Co-Parenting
    Divorce
    Gay
    Healing
    Heartbroken
    Lesbian
    Lesbian Mom
    Lost Love
    Motherhood
    Moving On
    Scorned & Bitter
    Single Parenting
    The Other Woman
    True Love

    SITE DISCLAIMER/
    POINTS OF FACT:
    El Capitan not only KNEW about and approved the signs, he helped pay for them.  :)
    The children have NOT seen the signs and will NOT see the signs.  PERIOD.
    This SITE and the SIGN were made to SELL OUR HOME.... what else this *might* be turning into is unclear, but the original intent was bereft of revenge or malice and was truly to sell our home.
    We ARE DIVORCED and for the very reason the sign suggests.

    RSS Feed

    91,395 Readers
    and counting...

Scorned, slighty bitter but still, grateful and very happy... life is good.
PS.... you *WILL find errors in grammar, spelling and otherwise... I am just a Mom - now a 'single Mom' who
writes The Blog from a place of honesty \and usually in the dark at 1:00am.... so please be understanding. cheers. :)