It's almost too embarrassing to type, to be honest.
I have to say that I *much* prefer the days of old when someone passed you a mix-tape in the hall. Those were the best... and suffice to say: I still have a few of them, though I don't know how I'd play them now.
I also have a shoebox of love notes - old and tattered and starting to tear where they have been folded for years - a selection of notes from all the boys of note from my high school years. In that same box are several of my corsages from different dances and some awkward looking photos where I'm pretty thin, kinda pretty and wearing the ugliest dress known to man which is *far* too fancy for the pimple faced/sweater & Khaki wearing boy standing next to me. lol
The coolest thing about notes and mix-tapes though... was that they GO AWAY. hahaha. When you're done with that relationship you can throw it away and it's like it never happened.....
But not today.
Going into "dating", I was keenly aware that I have absolutely NO privacy. I can't meet someone down the road and say.... "Oh, my divorce was no big deal.....". I don't get the chance to play it all off like it was nothing..... after all - not too many people wind up talking about their divorce on National f*cking television.
Every ounce of my pain is here on this blog. Typed through tears and anger and frustration. Every action, every deed is recorded here for everyone to see..... then, now and in the future. That's a bit daunting, to be totally honest.
I wrote this The Blog - and The Book for that matter - in real time. That makes it all very *real*. I have sat down every night - Sunday thru Thursday - just after midnight and poured my heart, my life and my emotions onto this keyboard. I never proof read (clearly... right? lol) - I just write and hit publish and go to bed.
This is raw and real and as 'true' as I can make it.
Which is good - I have an accountability to my friends and my kids to be honest.
However.... having put alllll of this out there - it's easy for someone new you're dating to find it.
In the first place, they might read all this and decide I'm bat sh*t crazy and run for the hills.... but, I decided that anyone who would leave me for that reason isn't someone I'd want to date for the mere fact that this *is* me.... and if they don't like that, well, it doesn't really matter if it's online or not... it's still me.
However, I never considered what it would be like to read and *see* the love I once had for El Capitan - or how it would be to read through all the pain I went through.... I mean: that's a f*ck ton of pain. I never thought about it until it happened to me.
See.... damn facebook. Sigh.
There we were moving along - dating... Carhartt and me. And things were going great (still are for the record....) - and then we became facebook friends and suddenly I was *keenly* aware of Carhartt and a collection of very pretty girls having dated..... damn mobile uploads.
Years of happy posts litter their wall...." So-and-so I can't wait to see you....!"
Oh yes... yes you *can* wait motherf*cker and please stop flirting with *my* Carhartt even though this post is dated March of 2009.... go away. I don't want to see you!!!!!! lol
Ok. Now I don't just look bat sh*t crazy... now I'm like boil a bunny on your stove crazy.
Fine. I can own it.
My point is - people are *constantly* saying to me, "Doesn't it bother that your whole life is online.....?" - ummm.... YOURS probably is, too. When you and your current squeeze break-up - facebook and twitter and instagram are *all* going to be there like headstones in a relationship graveyard: markers on the timeline of your life of what was...... and there's f*ck all you can do about it.
Carhartt and I actually had to have a bit of a conversation about this because while I *knew* having my entire life online would be a challenge.... being *faced* with the cyber love of Carhartts past.... I'm not gonna' lie: that really sucked. I can only imagine how much more this sucks for them.
Of course, while I'm being slightly jealous of a past that went awry (silly, silly girl....) - I was nervous about asking Carhartt how they felt. I mean - that first chapter of The Book is pretty intense... like I literally put every ounce of emotion and love I had for El Capitan in that chapter (and then I left if there, incidentally) but Carhartt just replied that they knew I was married before and they assumed that I had loved him very much and that that didn't bother them.
Then after we chatted about what I found on their facebook page..... they spent an entire night reading back over my wall for the last several years.... which I think I read somewhere that the sign of an "unhealthy" relationship is when you facebook stalk the other person....? But how can you NOT?!?!?!?! I know I can't help but torture myself by looking through a slideshow of hot dates and pretty girls from the past.... but you would think after a book and a blog - one wouldn't need to read over my facebook wall.
But they did..... and I nervously asked what they thought about it all.... because I *didn't* see it coming, I thought my marriage was fairly happy and *I* was happy..... thousands of status updates showing a happy mother of two who was happily married.... isn't that hard to look at? Does that change things now?
Nope...... Carhartt said that all they saw was someone who makes the best of things and tried really really hard to have a happy marriage.... and that's something they like about me.
So now at this point I've hatched a plan to wait until Carhartt falls asleep watching a movie and start checking them over for bolts and metal plates because at this point I'm starting to think that Carhartt isn't real... can't possibly be 'human'.... surely someone this great - this thoughtful - this.... level headed: they *must* be a robot. Right? I'm not crazy...... I swear, I'm not.
Oh... and talking to a friend about all this (who promptly scolded me for being crazy... lol) - they brought up, with serious concern, that Carhartt might a stalker? Like - may be they were following the story and read all about me online, etc - and that's why they are so "perfect": that they are just pretending. However.... I contacted Carhartt. They didn't approach me and it wasn't until *after* I told them about The Blog that they even knew the whole thing existed. So.... now I'm back to being pretty sure that Carhartt is a robot.
Mind you..... do I care? Not at all, to be honest.... not at all.
Having said that..... what I wouldn't give for a past that I could fold up and put in a shoebox, only letting out the parts I wanted someone else to read. What I wouldn't give for a mix-tape and the ability to throw it all away and start over fresh........