| I thought, after The Girl's "First Christmas" that I was done having that magical 'first' Christmas.... I was wrong. Needless to say... this kind of 'first' I could have lived without having.... I've tried to focus *really* hard one the kids and the time - and not let myself get stuck in my fog and space out.... I am *very* aware that this time is both precious and fleeting. I get angry at myself for wasting it being angry with El Capitan........ |  |
| I try so freakin' hard to put that aside and just *move on* and move past it... but it just seems like crap keeps happening.... I keep "stumbling" on things that just hurt more.... prove more lies to be lies and keep showing me that not only is El Capitan not the man I married... but clearly, he was *never* the man I thought he was.... Which makes me angry.... but not the kind of throwing things around the house angry.... just like - |  |
hurt and sad and disappointed in my heart and my mind - the kind of angry that you don't really act on... but you just kind of wear like a dirty shirt that never comes clean in the washer.
Honestly.... I'm a foul ass mood tonight and I'm going to assume that no one wants to hear me rant... but oh, if only I could put the details online tonight.... it's a freakin' mind-blowing awesome bundle of crap.
sigh.
OK..... so. I stayed up until 4am working on the Elf - I stitched up his collar different, made a few alterations and then stitched an "B" onto the Elf for The Boy. By the time I got done with the wrapping and everything, it was just after 4am.
Thankfully the kids let me sleep in until 8:15am.... and then The Boy just couldn't wait a second longer. They were very good, hadn't left the room, had peeked at the tree - because they know I like to make a movie of them seeing the tree and stuff for the first time. So they sat on the bed just waiting for me to wake up.... that's kind of awesome.
We got up and first we always start with our stockings. Thank G*d for the dollar store because I was able to fill their stockings with all kinds of little toys and trinkets - I don't usually put candy in their stockings. Actually, they don't get a lot of candy period... but I usually just put toys in there. This year I had found a pack of 7 chocolate Santa's - just little 2 inch ones. I put four in The Boy's stocking, and three in The Girl's stocking.
The Girl ripped through her stocking fast and found her chocolates. Before I could say anything - she had masterfully unwrapped one like a three-year-old ninja and popped it in her mouth..... Hooray, Chocolate Santa's for Breakfast: Mommy Fail. lolol
But.... I try not to have "rules" on big days like Christmas. So who cares if we have chocolate before pancakes - so long as that happens once a year - I figure it's ok......
Then a few seconds later, she discovers a second Santa chocolate. I had my phone out to take a picture of them for Facebook... and right before my eyes, I watched as The Girl handed her second chocolate to The Boy. There was no other candy in her stocking. There weren't bags of Lifesavers or M&M's or what have you.... just a few small, chocolates.
Here was The Girl handing her only other chocolate to her brother: to share.
and.... then I started crying like a freakin' baby.
I just. They are such good kids. They are such good *people*. They are kind and they truly do *think* and *act* with other people in mind..... which is mind blowing for me. How many three year olds hand their candy to someone to eat when they *love* chocolate? Not too many.......
The morning wore one - I make them take turns opening presents - because otherwise it goes by too fast and it's just a pile of a presents on one side a pile of garbage on the other. I like them to enjoy what they opened and take joy in what other people are opening.
After a while The Boy noticed that the only two people taking turns were him and The Girl - I didn't have much. My friend Scarlet sent me the *most* gorgeous necklace.... which is stunning - oh, and she handmade it for me. Then, I got a package form a Miss Judy who sent me the sacred Snow-man tote that I had wanted from the gift exchange a few weeks back.
Miss Judy... I *cannot* tell you how touched I was to recieve that in the mail. That was so kind of you, thank you very much.
The Boy, though, noticed that I had very few presents and I noticed he started getting a bit 'foggy' himself.... I debated asking him what was wrong, but at the same time, I just wanted one day to go by where "nothing" was talked about. I just wanted this first Christmas to go by without discussions of divorce or Yoga Girl or such.... or at least I didn't want to ask for any.... does that make sense?
After we 'skipped' me the four or fifth time, he was a bit foggy.... then by the seventh skip, The Boy said, "You know what Mom... you don't have as many presents like me and [The Girl] .... because Daddy lives with [Yoga Girl] and he probably spent his money on her instead."
sigh. triple f*cking sigh.
I thought for a second.... and then I said, "Well, Daddy was already here and gave us all presents, remember? Daddy already gave us tickets to the Blazer game and stuff - and you guys always get more presents than we do......."
He looked at me..... I think if he was older he just wouldn't flat out called bullsh*t on me... lolol. Instead, he shrugged his shoulders and said.... "Yeah... I guess."
The Girl, was blissfully taking advantage of our distraction to be opening her 9th and 10th turn presents - like any smart three year old would. hahaha
I *wanted* so say that Christmas is about the people in your life and who you spend the holiday with... but I stopped myself because I wasn't sure if they would see their Dad or not... and I didn't want my words to make a bigger statement than they should.
Instead... I just let the fog roll by and the excitement of the day take over.
Time wore on.... and my phone never rang. El Capitan did not come over, nor did he call. AT ALL. No text, no email... no nothing.
Awesome. I haven't heard from him in a few days.... we talked on Friday - he mentioned seeing them again before Christmas or on Christmas, said I should call him if I needed help.
I called. He didn't answer. He hasn't returned my call.... and certainly hasn't returned my text about him using my Netflix account... and.... he didn't call to talk to his kids on Christmas. After the fiasco at Thanksgiving, I wasn't about to open that Pandora's box again - so I figured it best to let him call them.....
As usually, when left to his own devices: El Capitan makes stellar choices.
I can *already* hear the excuses now.... "Well, I was afraid to call because you were clearly mad about the Netflix thing".... or - "I know you were having a tough time this year and I wanted to give you your space to have your own day with them....." - if he's good at nothing else, El Capitan is *very* good at building a cross up which he can nail himself onto. Good times. Good times......
The truth is, my text on Friday simply said, "Really? Using my Netflix account to watch show with your girlfriend.....? Not anymore."
That's all. No insults, no nothing... just point of fact. But I'll be in trouble with him for that later.....
I was grateful that The Boy didn't bring up El Capitan at all... neither did The Girl. And neither did I. Our day was nothing but movies... they didn't like Night at The Museum - but loved The Grinch and Rudolph - which kind of played in the background while I spent the day cutting out toys from boxes and cleaning.
The Boy spent the day totally, utterly in love with his Elf. He's over the moon that Santa "chose" him to care for this Elf and be his friend and play with him.... one of the perks of homeschooling is that your seven year old son can *stay* seven years old longer than most can..... I know some people see it as a bit 'sheltered' - bu I see it as a gift... life is ugly enough - the longer they can stay innocent the better.
I worry the most, through our situation, that they are losing their innocence and their belief in magic - so watching The Boy cart around his new Elf today was really special. It helps me see that part of us can be broken, but not *all* parts of us have to be broken because of that.
Mostly though... I spent the day watching them play and feeling really blessed. The Girl and The Boy both got sick, so our family went on their trip without us... so our First Christmas AYG (After Yoga Girl) - was truly alone. Just us.... and it was brilliant. I don't know what - though we all know *who* - El Capitan was doing... but there's no way he saw anything as amazing as his three year old daughter sharing her last Santa Chocolate with her brother.... there's just no way.
Nothing is a better gift than watching your children be good, kind people who's first instinct is to act in kindness and a spirit of sharing - without being told or prodded..... - I'm sorry... but there just isn't. Not even something you can watch on someone else's Netflix account..........
Honestly.... I'm a foul ass mood tonight and I'm going to assume that no one wants to hear me rant... but oh, if only I could put the details online tonight.... it's a freakin' mind-blowing awesome bundle of crap.
sigh.
OK..... so. I stayed up until 4am working on the Elf - I stitched up his collar different, made a few alterations and then stitched an "B" onto the Elf for The Boy. By the time I got done with the wrapping and everything, it was just after 4am.
Thankfully the kids let me sleep in until 8:15am.... and then The Boy just couldn't wait a second longer. They were very good, hadn't left the room, had peeked at the tree - because they know I like to make a movie of them seeing the tree and stuff for the first time. So they sat on the bed just waiting for me to wake up.... that's kind of awesome.
We got up and first we always start with our stockings. Thank G*d for the dollar store because I was able to fill their stockings with all kinds of little toys and trinkets - I don't usually put candy in their stockings. Actually, they don't get a lot of candy period... but I usually just put toys in there. This year I had found a pack of 7 chocolate Santa's - just little 2 inch ones. I put four in The Boy's stocking, and three in The Girl's stocking.
The Girl ripped through her stocking fast and found her chocolates. Before I could say anything - she had masterfully unwrapped one like a three-year-old ninja and popped it in her mouth..... Hooray, Chocolate Santa's for Breakfast: Mommy Fail. lolol
But.... I try not to have "rules" on big days like Christmas. So who cares if we have chocolate before pancakes - so long as that happens once a year - I figure it's ok......
Then a few seconds later, she discovers a second Santa chocolate. I had my phone out to take a picture of them for Facebook... and right before my eyes, I watched as The Girl handed her second chocolate to The Boy. There was no other candy in her stocking. There weren't bags of Lifesavers or M&M's or what have you.... just a few small, chocolates.
Here was The Girl handing her only other chocolate to her brother: to share.
and.... then I started crying like a freakin' baby.
I just. They are such good kids. They are such good *people*. They are kind and they truly do *think* and *act* with other people in mind..... which is mind blowing for me. How many three year olds hand their candy to someone to eat when they *love* chocolate? Not too many.......
The morning wore one - I make them take turns opening presents - because otherwise it goes by too fast and it's just a pile of a presents on one side a pile of garbage on the other. I like them to enjoy what they opened and take joy in what other people are opening.
After a while The Boy noticed that the only two people taking turns were him and The Girl - I didn't have much. My friend Scarlet sent me the *most* gorgeous necklace.... which is stunning - oh, and she handmade it for me. Then, I got a package form a Miss Judy who sent me the sacred Snow-man tote that I had wanted from the gift exchange a few weeks back.
Miss Judy... I *cannot* tell you how touched I was to recieve that in the mail. That was so kind of you, thank you very much.
The Boy, though, noticed that I had very few presents and I noticed he started getting a bit 'foggy' himself.... I debated asking him what was wrong, but at the same time, I just wanted one day to go by where "nothing" was talked about. I just wanted this first Christmas to go by without discussions of divorce or Yoga Girl or such.... or at least I didn't want to ask for any.... does that make sense?
After we 'skipped' me the four or fifth time, he was a bit foggy.... then by the seventh skip, The Boy said, "You know what Mom... you don't have as many presents like me and [The Girl] .... because Daddy lives with [Yoga Girl] and he probably spent his money on her instead."
sigh. triple f*cking sigh.
I thought for a second.... and then I said, "Well, Daddy was already here and gave us all presents, remember? Daddy already gave us tickets to the Blazer game and stuff - and you guys always get more presents than we do......."
He looked at me..... I think if he was older he just wouldn't flat out called bullsh*t on me... lolol. Instead, he shrugged his shoulders and said.... "Yeah... I guess."
The Girl, was blissfully taking advantage of our distraction to be opening her 9th and 10th turn presents - like any smart three year old would. hahaha
I *wanted* so say that Christmas is about the people in your life and who you spend the holiday with... but I stopped myself because I wasn't sure if they would see their Dad or not... and I didn't want my words to make a bigger statement than they should.
Instead... I just let the fog roll by and the excitement of the day take over.
Time wore on.... and my phone never rang. El Capitan did not come over, nor did he call. AT ALL. No text, no email... no nothing.
Awesome. I haven't heard from him in a few days.... we talked on Friday - he mentioned seeing them again before Christmas or on Christmas, said I should call him if I needed help.
I called. He didn't answer. He hasn't returned my call.... and certainly hasn't returned my text about him using my Netflix account... and.... he didn't call to talk to his kids on Christmas. After the fiasco at Thanksgiving, I wasn't about to open that Pandora's box again - so I figured it best to let him call them.....
As usually, when left to his own devices: El Capitan makes stellar choices.
I can *already* hear the excuses now.... "Well, I was afraid to call because you were clearly mad about the Netflix thing".... or - "I know you were having a tough time this year and I wanted to give you your space to have your own day with them....." - if he's good at nothing else, El Capitan is *very* good at building a cross up which he can nail himself onto. Good times. Good times......
The truth is, my text on Friday simply said, "Really? Using my Netflix account to watch show with your girlfriend.....? Not anymore."
That's all. No insults, no nothing... just point of fact. But I'll be in trouble with him for that later.....
I was grateful that The Boy didn't bring up El Capitan at all... neither did The Girl. And neither did I. Our day was nothing but movies... they didn't like Night at The Museum - but loved The Grinch and Rudolph - which kind of played in the background while I spent the day cutting out toys from boxes and cleaning.
The Boy spent the day totally, utterly in love with his Elf. He's over the moon that Santa "chose" him to care for this Elf and be his friend and play with him.... one of the perks of homeschooling is that your seven year old son can *stay* seven years old longer than most can..... I know some people see it as a bit 'sheltered' - bu I see it as a gift... life is ugly enough - the longer they can stay innocent the better.
I worry the most, through our situation, that they are losing their innocence and their belief in magic - so watching The Boy cart around his new Elf today was really special. It helps me see that part of us can be broken, but not *all* parts of us have to be broken because of that.
Mostly though... I spent the day watching them play and feeling really blessed. The Girl and The Boy both got sick, so our family went on their trip without us... so our First Christmas AYG (After Yoga Girl) - was truly alone. Just us.... and it was brilliant. I don't know what - though we all know *who* - El Capitan was doing... but there's no way he saw anything as amazing as his three year old daughter sharing her last Santa Chocolate with her brother.... there's just no way.
Nothing is a better gift than watching your children be good, kind people who's first instinct is to act in kindness and a spirit of sharing - without being told or prodded..... - I'm sorry... but there just isn't. Not even something you can watch on someone else's Netflix account..........
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