Here it is: the 'elephant' in the room... or rather, the one that HUNDREDS upon HUNDREDS of people on the internet want to say I am.... lol
I just wanted to share you with this wee nugget of wonderful humanity that arrived in my voicemail box two days ago. (It's that box to the RIGHT - click and listen if you dare!)
First and foremost.... El Capitan and I did not *ever* discuss my figure in terms of it being an "issue" in our marriage, or an "issue" between us. For the record, I have not gained 100 - 250 pounds.... I am not currently booking two seats on a plane, nor am I sewing together two pairs of pants to make one nor wearing circus tents for dresses.
Like *most* women - from size 2 to size 22, I have always struggled with my weight .... El Capitan was no stranger to my desire to be healthier. Like many families we would make the usual life changes for our family - eating more greens, eating out less, cutting back on sugar or soda, etc. As with *most* families these plans for healthy excellence would be thwarted by him working AT LEAST 50 hours a week and my running three small businesses and raising the children, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, keeping up with play dates.... etc. It just never seemed to leave enough time to go to the gym. (Also, my house was never spotless nor the laundry always done and folded .... just sayin'.)
Oh, and the Gym? Well, yes, we *have* a gym membership. I refer to it as my own personal "fat tax" - it's the money I pay every month for a place I never manage to step foot in despite all my good, honest and true intentions.
So, it's a fat tax. lol
El Capitan was familiar with my struggles on that front... but I have to be true and honest and tell you that he ended every day by giving me a kiss and telling me I was beautiful. He never judged me on my weight......Sometimes, people do what they do for their own reasons - even in a marriage - and sometimes those reasons have little to do with the important people around us.
As far my "love" for malt liquor and cigarettes... that's hilarious. I've never had a whole beer in my entire life ... by that - I mean to say that if you took alllll the alcohol I've consumed in my life, it wouldn't make a full pint, and I don't smoke.
I do, however, love pasta and rice and donuts and bread... and allll those yummy things that *should* be healthy for us but are NOT. Ok, maybe not healthy donuts - but it's so damn unfair that pasta in all its creamy curly, straight, and multi-colored forms should be BAD FOR US! And RICE - really RICE? How can that be bad for me!?!?! aaack!
Now, the man who posted that I need to put down the Twinkies *might* have a point because, if I'm being truly honest, I do love a good Twinkie, but who doesn't? However, like most people I only love them one at a time, not a box at a time.... hahahaha
So those wanting to partake in a Twinkie/booze/cigy intervention can have a seat... what I need a life/getting organized/making time for myself Intervention.
Finally, there seems to be a growing crowd of people who think because I laugh and giggle nervously through interviews, that I SOUGHT this attention, that I find it all sooo hilarious. So, I wanted to post a small window in the reality of about ... 20% of the calls I get? and about 10% of the email I get. They are laced with compliments and niceties that The Man's Voicemail is.
I laugh because, again, my size or people's comments on it don't define me. They aren't going to make me sad because I can do something about my size... people who use this opportunity to make their own vicious,insult laced commentary will have to work a lot harder to change their hearts and I only have to go the gym.
In a country were children are KILLING THEMSELVES because they are bullied for being gay or wearing the wrong clothes or whatever the h*ll it is that is being said to them ON THE INTERNET by their own peers that drives them to hanging themselves in their bedrooms because they just. can't. take. it. anymore. - when do we stop and realize that being a bully is a LEARNED behavior?1 Children learn it from their parents... so while we're all talking about the well being of *my* children - what about the well being of the children of this man? Assuming any woman actually procreated with him... what has he taught HIS children? What kind of loving example for humankind has he taught them?
We can try to save ourselves from Global Warming one recylced Coke can at a time... but we can also save ourselves from being a planet of a**holes by setting a different example for our kids.
that is all......
PS. I am amused by the assumption that El Capitan is obviously the peak of health .... right? (Mind you, he's a good lookin' fella, or at least Yoga Girl and I both thought he was.... hahahaha)
PPS... I know I said I would write the story of El Capitan and I ... but this was just weighing on my heart.
PPPS.... If the man had said, "Wow, you seem like a nice lady with a good heart and it occurs to me that your current weight might pose a health risk to you life and I want to help you carve out a healtheir lifestyle if you are interested....." - THAT is a person is actually "concerned" about me. :)
Click on the PLAY
arrow to listen.
Wow. First and foremost... WOW.
I'm so totally stunned by how kind everyone has been. I have to admit, even with my sense of humor, the first few days of alllllllll the comments about how any man would leave "Shamu the whale" was starting to get pretty old..... do these men not know they would drive me yet MORE donuts?!?! (kidding... they didn't. lol)
So, a day of posts that were *mostly* super awesome was.... just pure amazing.
I'm struck and humbled by your honesty and, really, you only have to look over the 700 heart-felt posts to see a collective of stories that is truly the backbone of being a Mother in today's world. All these women faced so many different, awful, horrible circumstances and regardless of their size, color or age they are tied together by a bond of shared pain and the ultimate desire to move the eff on. (Can I say that here.....? Too soon? lol)
I just want to say thank you..... I really wanted to respond to every single post, because I actually did read every last one (even the crappy "you're a fatty" ones... lol) - but there just isn't enough time in the day right now. :(
El Capitan and I aren't sure what to make of this media storm - I feel a bit like Dorothy and the wicked witch (also know by some posters as Yoga Witch) spun this house up good and now it's being tossed around this Media Tornado and we're just not sure where it's going to land.... guess we'll have to wait and see.
Tonight, the Media Tornado took me to the satellite doorstep of Dr. Drew. DR. FREAKIN DREW!!!! Can you believe that?!?!?! When I was a kid we used to spend summers at my Grandma's and I was a TOTAL Love Line listener! Dr. Drew... oh many night I lay awake listening to you and Adam Corolla.... tonight, I did NOT do enough listening and did faaaaar too much giggling..... haha.
I do worry that people will think that I find the affair or the divorce funny". Rest assured, I find El Capitan's affair about as humorous as mouth herpes (which thankfully I don't have) and the divorce felt like some ripped out my insides through my ears..... but, I do kind of find this whole Media Tornado funny. Why the hell does anyone care what I think? (and crowds of overweight men sitting in their tighty-whitey's nod in unison while they wipe off their orange Doritos fingers onto their Mother's couch.) Even still.... it feels oddly good to share.....
Believe me when I tell you that I put a sign in my yard to SELL MY HOUSE. The magnets were something my Mom insisted on for her friends (so she could mail them out) and then my friends wanted some... and then a few friends insisted that at least I put up the magnets just for fun.. I wondered if people wouldn't feel betrayed somehow? Mind you... I'm about as smart as a box of rocks if I hatched a plan to pay off my house with magnets that are $5.00 each. lol.... Still, some people accuse me of that and that just is NOT the case.
It's really important to me, after so many people have trusted me with their inner most hours of emotional pain that people don't think I would trade that for $5.00. Anyone who actually *knows* me, knows that I'm really crap at getting "paid". In my own business I do TONS of work for free or for heavy discounts because of different clients circumstances.... but my clients are RAD. All of them, they do amazing things for me and what they bring to my life is often faaaar more valuable than money. :) (and then a few of them are pains in the ass,... but they know who they are! hahahahaha)
Those same friends are insisting I write a blog....
So, share I shall!!!! At least until no one is visiting this blog anymore... All the judgment that happens over my marriage and my life and my choices and my parenting!?!?! I feel like it would be good to get the whole story out there.... so tomorrow I will start at the beginning..... see you there! You can read about how El Capitan barfed all over himself and yet it was still the most romantic night of my life and I kissed him anyway... barf breath and all...... (or not... because you might have gone back to reading about Tom and Katie - lol)
Thanks for reading. :)
Cannot say enough how shocked I am by allllll the media attention. No doubt we've got to be on minute.... 8 or 9 of my solid "15 minutes" of fame - and I'm fully expecting this rocket to go ass up, t*ts down and hit rock bottom soon.... but until then, some friends thought I should make my own voice heard while people are asking... Mind you - I'm still wondering why anyone care what I have to say to start with... but here goes.
We - the Ex and I, we're going to call him.... El Capitan - why? Simply because he was my "rock" and frankly... he's been a bit rough to get over. lol So, El Capitan and I aren't too unlike *most* people we know - working crazy hours trying to make enough money to make ends meet and maybejustmaybe start getting ahead.... but alas, in our attempt to get ahead we got "apart" instead... though I truly never saw this coming. (of course having someone else climb on the El Capitan didn't help matters... but perhaps another blog post on that later..... hahaha)
So, just to be clear AGAIN. We are divorced. He cheated, she's 22 and does, indeed, love yoga (and married men with kids.... just sayin'). Faced with separating our assets... lol... as if we actually *have* assets. bwahahaha - sure, I think we all know I poses amble "ass"ests.... however, in terms of financial things that courts care about we didn't have much and we decided to sell the house.
My Mom and I am spent a month and a half cleaning and packing and moving our stuff out of the house.
El Capitan doesn't yet have a "fixed" address so *I* rented a storage unit and moved his stuff there.... - so, yeah I guess all those internet posts are right - I did "clean him out" - only, I advance paid for the storage rental and gave him the lock and the key. Clearly, I really need to work on my master plans of "revenge" and being a "b*tch" ex-wife who "cleaned him out". lol.... I appear to really suck at those things.
For my business www.totallyradcards.com- I make cards and stuff - allll day long. When it came to selling the house, having me make the For Sale By Owner Signs - seemed like a no-brainer. My Mom came up with a nastier sign and I made it a little more "pg" and I approached El Capitan about using the signs and he thought it was a hilarious idea and we both thought it would get the house exposure. NEITHER of us thought it would be about exposure of both of us... NEITHER of us would use this dark time in our family to "dupe" people or lie to them just to sell our house....
So now here are.... the phone rings and rings and rings - and I, being a simple artist without training in public
speaking or how on earth I'm supposed to answer questions about the *most painful* time of my life.... I think I trip over my words alot.... but, first and foremost, I want to be clear that cheating is *the worst* thing someone can do in a marriage. :( The affects have been emotionally catastrophic and painful beyond words... finding out about her was the very darkest hours of my life thus far...
However, I noticed that the days I cried and cried... so did the kids - over toys and tv time and whatever. Days that I was angry - so were they: fighting with each other toys and getting frustrated over little things far too
quickly. Then... on days when I dug deep and found the strength to paint a smile on my face - the kids were smiling, too. Even if I had to fake it in the beginning, they didn't seem to know the difference and so like a perfect little circle... the more I smiled, the more joy and happiness they found - which brought me around to finding my own laughter and joy and happiness.
That's the thing. I lost my husband - and yes... I'm well aware that the size of my Lane Bryant capri pants *seems* to be a reasonable reason for this according to some online folks.... but I can assure you: as a wife, a woman and a mother I am defined by who *I* am - not my size. :) just sayin'...... :) I didn't lose myself, my kids or my sense of humor.... she took my husband - but she's not takin' *me*, and she's not taking the joy I have as a mother and the gratitude I have for my life. THAT is mine... alll mine - and only *I* have the power not to giveit up to them and their decision.
So, that's me and my first blog... and all two or three "readers" that this will actually get.... but it's nice to know someone is listening. Feel free to comment.... more posts to come later if people want them.
Mother, "scorned wife", photographer, designer, potential blog writer and recent guest on The View.... life's been pretty crazy as of late - crazybeautiful that is!
You can see some of Elle's photography at: