It's funny to me.. the idea of "dating" ..... at my age? Seriously? There are days when 37 feels like a 107.... I swear. Not to mention.... I'm not.... shall we say - top drawer?
I have a friend - and she is SMOKING. HOT. Like - you don't want to stand too close to her at parents night at school because.... she shines like a gold penny and I look like a dollar someone crumpled up and left in a gutter. No really... she's THAT pretty. Plus- she's super nice, she's a great friend - the kind of friend who brings you food when you're sick and take loads of magazines to the hospital when you're stuck in bed. She's a great Mom, a hardworker.... she's really a great person.
And guess what...... *she* has had a hard time dating..... I mean - c'mon, if dating in our thirties was *that* easy, there wouldn't be a need for eHarmony and Match.com and Christian Single, and JDate and Chemistry..... so that tells me that the dating world is tough out there and I'm not sure I'm battle ready.
This girl has *scars* .... let me tell you. I honestly don't think I could *ever* trust another man again. Ever. When you tell someone allllllllll your secrets - they've caught you picking your nose, heard you fart, seen you cry, watched you lose a baby....a. whole. entire. baby. and all the dreams you *had* for that baby..... they saw you in your darkest, screaming, crying, red eyes, blotchy face - and they stood by you through all of it. Said they loved you through all of it - and you *trusted* them with that. You trusted them until one day they were standing next to someone else and you were crying again.... red eyes, blotchy faced, watching the dreams of your entire family end... and they don't care anymore.
That's just not something I think I'm going to sign up for again.... I could be wrong - I welcome being wrong... but- somehow, I'm just not sure that'll happen.
Plus..... and here's the honest to G*d's truth: I can't have any more kids. When we were pregnant with The Girl, *we* decided that *I* should have my tubes tied because El Capitan said that we could barely afford the two children we had and that we couldn't have more.
*ME*? I would have had a dozen more.... two dozen more. I love kids - my kids, your kids, just kids in general.... and kids LIKE me. When The Boy was in preschool we used to have this 'reading time' that the parents did either to their kid alone or to other kids that had arrived for school. One day, by the end of reading time all the kids were sitting my lap and gathered around my feet while I read and one of the parents commented, "It's like having Snow White in the classroom - she only needs the birds." lol
I love kids and babies... oh babies How I love love love ... babies.
BUT. I can't have any more kids - how fair is that? El Capitan can have all the kids he wants.... and no doubt he will. Which is ironic because El Capitan has complained for YEARS about his own family and said a millions times that the introduction of his Step-Mother was the reason so many things went wrong in his life and that's *mostly* the reason he hasn't talked to them in 8 years. In fact, El Capitan's parents have never met The Girl. They were never invited to our home, to birthday parties, etc. He refuses to have anything to do with them or his half-sister.
A few years ago we heard from his brother's wife (who would later be cheated on and left for a younger woman that the brother had gotten pregnant..... does anyone else see a potential pattern here?......) - anyhow, she had called to say that they thought that the Dad had had a heart attack. I thought El Capitan should go to the hospital, bury the hatchet and work through their differences. We fought for TWO WHOLE days because I felt he had "unfinished business" with his Dad and that once someone *dies*, you can't go back. You can't say things, or get closure.... and I thought that A LOT of the problems El Capitan had (that would later blow a whole right through our own marriage *sigh*.....) but.... El Capitan REFUSED.
In retrospect that should have been a sign I think...... in fact, A LOT of things that El Capitan's parents tried to warn me about are now coming to the surface..... I should have fought him harder to go to counseling, but El Capitan thinks that therapy and counseling is a "racket" that they just "tell you what you want to hear and drain your bank account".
However... when Yoga Girl is around he say's things like, "I just need some time to find out who I am and go to therapy and find out why I did this....." - BUT, when it's just him and I he tells me what he's told me for years, which is that there is no way in hell he's going to waste money on therapy because he thinks it's a racket. Whatever....... I digress.
The point is..... El Capitan is WELCOME to move on with a new life and new apartment and a new girlfriend - he *has* all THREE OF THOSE THINGS And some of his friends that are believing lies and are duped into thinking otherwise need to wake up...... HE HAS A NEW LIFE because HE wanted one.
I don't want a new problem to deal with. A new person with baggage that *I* end up paying the ultimate emotional price for..... because THAT IS what happened here. This whole thing had nothing to do with me or my weight.... it had *EVERYTHING* to do with issue's that were seeded into El Capitan's skin long before I met him and kissed him under the shooting stars of a meteor shower. Period.
Nope.... not gonna' happen.
I need to focus on me and *THE KIDS* - those two perfect beings who are slowly being dented and scratched and deflated by the situation. I need to focus on fighting *for them* - fighting to keep their world whole and happy and.... sane. Dating? Dating is *not* sane - even in the best of times. lol
No.... I *need* to find a damn job.... truthfully. I need to find my son a better support group of kids his own age that have been through this. I need to celebrate The Girl going pee in the potty for one week straight without an accident! I need to prepare for the classes I teach in the fall - Graphic Design and Photography- I need to prepare for the homeschooling program The Boy starts in two weeks......
No man is ever going to want to date me - because I'll be honest...... The Boy and The Girl will *always* come first. ALWAYS. PERIOD. Not in a spoiled kind of way - like, choosing what to eat, where to go, etc. But - their emotional needs, their physical needs, they as PEOPLE will always be *who* and *what* I think about first everyday - all day.
I'm not sure that's very fair to do a man..... know what I mean?
So, when the man called to ask me to coffee.... I told him no, because the truth is - I'm doing him a favor. It was super sweet of him to ask.... but I don't bring much more to the table than my super sunny disposition, a sense of homor, a lot of fbombs, a love of the word c*nt (BEST WORD EVER), a love for the outdoors - but like, as in the view from a hotel room with air-conditioning, or ... at BEST, from just outside the door of a plush and fancy RV, two of the world's FINEST children, a barren womb, a willingness to do anything, try anything at least once (unless it involves heights and then there's no effing way), a distaste for fancy restaurants, $300 jeans or tanning.... though I have to say, once you go UGGS, you never go back.... I'd rather go without and get my jeans from Walmart so that The Boy can have the latest VANS, and I'd rather go forego a fancy haircut so that The Girl can have the latest Disney Princess Doll.... I don't drink - but even if I did, I wouldn't spend my money on wine at the end of the night - because I'd rather save up to take the kids to the movies or out for a meal.... oh.... and lest we forget that I make well below the poverty line because I'm kinda sorta without a clear means to make money and support us. I don't need or *want* any man to "save me" (this excludes Tom Welling, because... *that* man can save me anytime - preferably in tights though), I don't to just find someone else, move in and let them pay my bills. I need to do ME as they say in Tyler Perry movies... I need to take care of me and mine and sort out my own life and find a way to take care of myself. I've never traded my independence for financial affection and I don't plan on doing that now. hahahaha
See what I mean......? It's not that I've don't see "value" in myself - but I think it's more than I put more VALUE on being a Mom than I do on .... being a woman. If my own husband didn't see and appreciate those qualities.... why the hell would anyone else? lololol
So..... there will be no dating for this girl. The only man I need for the next 9ish years is sleeping on top of Superman sheets right now snuggled next to his best friend..... and I'm so lucky for that. So lucky. I can tell you right now.... I'd rather be without a man than without The Boy.
Sorry.... today is a bit bitter.... perhaps tomorrow I can blog something a bit sunnier. :)