So, we are rounding the corner to the one year anniversary of the day I put a certain sign in my yard to sell my home.....

I was sitting here and thinking about how much harder things were for me last year - how right now I was packing and cleaning and trying my best to do yard work and failing because I don't actually know how to mow a lawn (at least not the one outside a house... sorry - lesbian humor hahaha) - and I don't know how to prune roses and whatever......

So my neighbor Rodger, who couldn't believe El Capitan had left, started sending his grandson over to help me with the house chores... and then the grandson felt so bad for me that crews of his friends started coming around as well - laying bark and doing yard work and helping me move boxes to storage.

I'm still so grateful for them.  

I was out to dinner with a friend tonight and we were talking about things - The Blog, she has a friend who has also read the entire Blog....which just blows my mind.  Everywhere I go, people have read this thing... that's just cray cray. Anyhow, Tats (she has a lot of tattoo's) and I were talking about "how" to write - methods people use to get to the place where they can write and tell a story well..... for me, as most of you know - it's music.  I listen to music to help me get to the emotional place I need to go to tell my story.  

In particular I was talking about 'Never Think' by Robert Pattinson.  I'm *pretty sure* I've already blogged about this before.... but follow me here for a second - yeah?

I got pretty obsessed with Twilight (as Jenny B will tell you.... and then make fun of me for it...) and Never Think is the song that plays when Bella and Edward are sitting inside The Bloated Toad having "dinner" after Edward saves Bella in the parking lot. 

The point of the song is that the male singer (Robert in real life) is saying - "you'll learn to hate me..... - so just hold on" - but what he means is for the girl to realize that she needs to save herself and save her soul before she's "too far gone".... because she'll learn to hate him in the end.

It works in the movie because this is when Edward and Bella are discussing things and Edward is trying to warn Bella away from him.... even though he's drawn to her.  

The most poignant part of the song is:

"Oh please... I'm in love
I'm in love....
Oh Girl.... save your soul
save your soul
before you're too far gone
before nothing can be done

without me.... you've got it all
so hold on
So hold on."

Just talking about what those words *meant* to me - how they literally took me back to the place where I can still feel the cold of the hardwood floor under my barefeet while I held El Capitan's phone in my hand and the words coming off the screen were telling me horrible, horrible things.....

Where texts and emails and facebook messages to friends and La Novia began to tell a collective picture while El Capitan mostly stood there.... quiet.  Stone faced.

I can still hear the children running through the hall and playing in The Boy's bedroom... the TV was - though I don't remember what it was showing.... but all I could hear was the ping... ping... ping... of the text messages from La Novia.... and not a word from El Capitan:  just beads of sweat rolling down his neck and pooling in the neck of his t-shirt.

That song takes me back to that place because I feel like THAT - those very words in that song - is what El Capitan was really saying with his silence....

that I would learn to hate him.....
that it was over.....
that I needed to save myself...
save the children.....
and hold on...... 

I remember looking at the shine of the light of the phone and realizing that there was nothing to fight over.... he was already gone.  This hand had already been dealt and there was f*ck all I could do about it.

F*ck all... except:  accept it.
Which I did.

I was literally catatonic with pain.
My heart and mind swelled with anger.
My spirit bent under the weight of my pain 

But..... I did hold on.... to ME.
Not to El Capitan.

I made the choice that very night as the breeze came in the curtains next to the bench seat and my parents sat stunned.... I made the choice to let him go.  He had chosen what he wanted:  and it wasn't me.
It wasn't us.

Like it or not.... sh*t went *real* bad after that..... but I feel like we've come to a place of friendship and understanding... and most importantly:  family.  And we didn't get here because of El Capitan... we got here (mostly) because of me.  Sorry... but I gotta' say it.

Alex (a Blog reader) has admonished me a few times because she say's that not everyone can just "get over" things the way I have - that I should understand that most people need more time.... and perhaps she's a point... but - I still say:  move the f*ck on and do it fast.

You don't need to rush important decisions.... BUT - the truth of the matter is - the *sooner* you accept something is over ... the sooner *YOU* move on and find a new kind of happiness and a new independence.

I *truly* never, ever thought I would live my life as a lesbian.  I was married, I loved my husband and my kids and I *ADORED* our little life..... and when it was gone, I had no f*cking clue how to put us all back together again..... and that was a journey a year in the making....

BUT, it started with one small step:  accepting, letting go and moving on.

It sounds hard.
It really wasn't.

It sounds sad.
It was.... but a new kind of happiness replaced it.

It *feels* imf*ckingpossible..... I know, I remember that feeling all too well.
But.... it wasn't.

Lots of people write and tell me that I have given El Capitan a "pass" -that I made things too easy for him... however, in doing that - I also made things a f*ck ton easier for myself. I made it easier to move on and grow and ..... I made it easier to accept things in the end.

Accept and learn to respect La Novia.

Alllllllll of that- every choice and decision I made started with letting go - and when I let go, I gave myself independence. 

So.... this weekend *is* about the battles this country has fought to gain and keep it's independence... but this weekend I want you to think - *really* think about the battles in your heart and mind and homes.... and find a way to let go (if that's what's needed)... find a way to let go of the person who cheated (or is cheating) and that will be the first step towards you finding peace and true independence... and isn't that what we're all *really* fighting for in our lives?

For me, the battle turned peaceful and a new battle took it's place very quickly:  my sexuality.  And you know what......?  I did the same thing there that I did with El Capitan - I let go of my fears and accepted that what would be was better than living tied to a set of social values that I didn't hold true in my heart.

And when I let go of all it... when I was ready to just let whatever happen.... just: happen.
That was when I found my own personal independence.... and honestly:  I've never been happier.

My *kids* are the happiest they've been in a year....
My relationship with El Capitan is the healthiest it's been in over a year.... 
And me......?

Well, I sat in the club tonight between Bella and Colorado (adorable Sporty Dyke) and were laughing and dancing and having a great night and I said a quick thank you to God and the Universe for bringing so many wonderful people, and so much love and happiness into my life.  And... the cold hard fact is that if I *hadn't* moved on and accepted and tolerated and faked it when I needed to.... if I hadn't really let go of sh*t - I would probably be sitting around crying about once was and still have no direction in my life... dependent on El Capitan's love for me.... which we know would get me nowhere.

In stead, I let go and when I did I gave myself my own independence.
If you're holding onto anger and hate and refusing to let go of someone who hurts you... the only person you're *really* hurting is yourself.... so this weekend - stop hurting yourself and go out there and get some *real* independence.  

Trust me.... you'll be glad you did. :)

Happy Fourth Everyone!  I'm taking Thursday night off- so the next Blog will show up on Monday. :)

So…. the weekend was kind of awesome.

In the first place - I had my date… and it went very well.  She's super nice - and we had a great time.  (Can I just say how *awesome* it is to use 'she' instead of 'they'…..).  (We also went for a long walk on the PDX waterfront Saturday night and then out for dinner again ..... so those are all good signs).

Awesome.

Back to Friday night:  So we had a great date and then I went out and went dancing with my usual group of friends . I cannot *tell you* how awesome it is to walk into a club and see a great group of girls (all totally hot, btw….) throw up their arms and welcome you with hugs….. it wasn't just six months ago that I would walk into that *same* club and get a water and sit on the wall, by myself.

At this point, the bouncers at all three of local hang-outs know me by name (mind you, I *do* bring them VooDoo donuts, and they tend to like that.... :), and even though I don't drink most of the bar tenders know me because I always leave $5 on the bar even though I only get water and it's free.  (After working for years as a waitress, you just don't know how much ONE great tip can make your night and put you in a better mood.... so I try, when I can, to tip well.)

The months when I first came out seem sooooo long ago now.  The third friend I came out to was Chloe - and, thankfully she accepted me immediately…. I have the best friends ever - right?  Totally…… Anyhow, we were talking about how 'catty' some of our current (straight) female friends could be.  How drama starts up and girls… in general - can be kind of nasty to one another and she asked me if I was worried about possibly finding that within the lesbian community.

I mean - it's a fair question, right?  Nothing but girls - everywhere you go.  AND - girls who were competing to *date* one another…. surely that has be to a lot of back biting and hair pulling right?  (well,… there *is* hair pulling - but it's usually super hot when it happens. lol)  I have to admit, I was pretty worried about that.  I'm the first one to agree that large groups of women can be…. intimidating - and the idea of trying to break into an entirely new community of them was kind of frightening.

I mean, let's face it… I'm not your 'typical lesbian' (though, I must say, I have *yet* to meet anyone 'typical' within my wonderful community) - I mean, I didn't come out until 37 - *after* two marriages to men.  I have two kids, whom I conceived 'traditionally' and carried.  Oh… and then there's this whole funny sign/internet sensation/HuffPost whipping post/Book/Blog thing….. so, whatever I am - it's NOT AT ALL 'typical'.

May be they would reject me?
May be they would find me …. too odd, too weird… too 'public' to be one of them. 
May be they would laugh at me and keep me out of their 'inner circle'…..?
However, that's not what happened.  Not. At. All.

One of the things I found on Google was a meet up group for lesbians.  I went to the first event I could get to and I met this girl….. Mia.  She's this crazy fun girl who's always kayaking or hiking or going on this crazy long 30 miles bike rides…. she LOVES life - and posts about a zillion pictures on facebook a day - all with her great smile and a bevy of friends…. and I was lucky to find myself counted as one.

Our connection was almost immediate, and she asked me for my number and invited me to the next outing… shortly after, I found myself on the short list of people she invited to everything.  Through her I met Torri, who is *the* ultimate Sporty Dyke… she plays football (the *real* kind with pads and sh*t) and softball (what lesbian besides me doesn't…..?) and is totally adorable…. she's always posting pictures on facebook that make me swoon…. and then one crazy night at Gay Skate, we met the fourth person in our group:  Bella.

It really was like add water:  instant friends.
It was instant and suddenly these three wonderful, great and diverse women filled the giant gaping whole in my life and in my heart.  In the end, I had only spent about.... two weeks "alone" before I started making genuine friends.

Two weeks.

When I had The Boy, it was SIX MONTHS before I made another solid 'Mommy friend' who also had a 6 month old.  I don't know why.... but it just did.  You have to join MOMS Clubs and MOPS groups and stuff to try and find other Moms to make friends with... 

Being a lesbian.... all I really had to do was walk into a room of other lesbians and introduce myself.  That just blows my mind.... it really does.

If there was *any* sign I was hoping for from God that I was doing the right thing…. I had found it with these three girls very quickly.  He brought me three diverse, wonderful, fun-loving lesbians who took me in, became my friends and accepted me.  All of me.

Kind of freakin' awesome.

Shortly after that Keller was added to my life, followed by Keebler (both of whom the children *adore*) and Macks and several others...... it's like everywhere I went: there was a new friend to make.  I really *cannot* express to you how much I love the LGBTQ community in Portland.... it's *amazing* and I'm thrilled every day to go out and be apart of it.

But the children...... yes - let's talk about the children.  lol
The Boy had a loose idea of what being 'gay' meant... but just like we've never discussed male/female sexual or romantic relationships, we've also never discussed homosexual ones.  He understands that you can have two Moms or two Dads or a Mom and a Dad.... or - in our future case:  a Mom, a Mom, a Dad and a Mom. hahaha  (or at least I freakin' hope so.....)

However, trying to explain to The Boy and The Girl that they are going to meet people who might look like girls are boys, but are actually not girls or boys.... which made me realize that without even trying:  I had taught them gender roles.  Roles I now have to un-teach them.

For one, it's important that they understand how a person chooses to dress has *very* little to do with what kind of person they are.  More importantly, the gender a person is born into *might* not be the gender that they identify with: and that's okay, too.

For instance, Brandon Teena was female-male transgender.  Individuals who identify as transgender sometimes take hormones and have surgeries to bring their bodies to a physical place where their heart and mind are, and sometimes they do not.  Being out in my community, I have met some fantastic people who identify as transgender and knowing the inner struggle they have faced, and the social/outer struggles they continue to face - it's become a serious focus for me as a parent to educate the children properly about gender identity- and that it's much more flexible that what they might think.

Recently, a blog reader emailed me and asked what the "q" meant in LGBTQ.  I can answer this question, however, please understand that 'labels' are something most people don't enjoy having, so while I'm trying to explain things I will be 'labeling' but *not* all labels apply to everyone, nor do they want them too.  

It's become commonplace in the community that the 'Q' stands for QUEER.
Queer being the label for people who don't feel that fit into the current definitions within the LGBT community - but also... the 'q' can stand for people who identity as 'gay' or 'lesbian' but will date a person who identifies as transgender.  

I have met several people who identify as transgender males (this means a person born a female who identify's their gender as male - again, some have surgery or take hormones and some don't) - and they are totally gorgeous and wonderful people..... if you need another example:  Chaz Bono or Daniella Shae.
(This is different from a Butch lesbian, just for the record).

Sadly, hate crimes are *most* prominent and ugly against members of the transgender community.  Which is heartbreaking.... but it happens out of fear and people not fully understanding what being transgender means.  

For me, it means that I have to do a better job raising children who are *aware* of the human spirit and recognize that in other people - that they look for kindness in deeds and words and not at what 'gender' a person is.  

For instance - if a woman loses her breasts to cancer does that make her "less" a woman:  of course not.
By that same token.... have a penis doesn't make you a man.  (Trust me on that one... bwahahaha)
But in all seriousness, gender is something we are born with - what really matters is how we see ourselves and what matters EVER MORE is that the world support us and embrace us for who we *want* to be.

I was lucky..... I walked straight into having three of the best friends any one lesbian could ever have.... and I plan to practice that level of acceptance with my entire LGBTQ community - and teach that to my children as well.  

I received this today:

Elle,
This hurts so much.

You are maybe the fifth to tenth lady I have really liked more than I could put in words.
BUT those ladies made the decision they wanted other gals and I was condemned as worthless
because I was born as a male.

I think giving up on this love thing is the right thing to do.

It is to painful to keep liking someone only to find out she hates your sex.
Not your sexual orientation, just is that she can never love you because she has made the decision that because you are male, then you are worthless, second class, useless, trash, not even worth consideration, or maybe even worse a "good friend" when that word really means there is no hope for any intimacy between the two of you for at least 3 millennial periods, should I live that long.

It just hurts to much.

Sorry Elle, it just hurts to much.

Might just go into the woods and withdraw from people and group think and such.

I see a gal, like here, and immediately I am jumping years down the road and thinking of us sharing intimate moments as we hod hands while we are in our rocking chairs as we have no other strength to do anything else, but the love and passion are just as strong as if we were engaging in fantastic sex for hours on end.  By the way, I do not view sex as anything done for my pleasure, I view is as a way of doing things physically to enhance her pleasure and give her the knowledge that shows moments of physical activity have equal moments of non-physical activity where my thoughts are about what would be the very best for her as that is the supreme goal I would have in our relationship.  See, I just don't fit. And I am tired of getting hurt.  Don't want to walk down the road again.  Introduce me to someone that I really like, and you might find I got a cell phone call and had to go take care of a business or "family" emergency (when I did not have my cell phone on me).

I know you are trying to work through things and be honest and "come out" and all of that.

I am just asking you to also sit back and think about how it feels for someone to really like you a whole lot, be willing to move out to be with you, if only I would be so blessed to have you be willing to allow that to happen, and yet none of that can happen because I was born with an incurable genetic defect, I am male.

It just plain hurt.

Love You,
but I am withdrawing form lots of stuff.
Don't want the pain any more.

XXXXXXX
****************************************************************************************************************

Dear XXXXXXX,

I know you have been following The Blog for a long time, and I also know that you have been a great friend and supporter - I have enjoyed all your emails. :)

I want to say though, and this is the reason I printed your email, I have - in no way - indicated that I "hate" men.  Truth be told:  I don't.

There are several great men in my life- The Papa, my brothers, and even a few friends. I know several men who have made great husbands and fathers to my friends and their kids.  In no way is my being gay a statement about men in general, and truth be told, it's not even a statement about the men who have been in my life.  

By no means do I think men are 'worthless', not in the least.  Now, I find there are a lot of people on this planet - or all genders - who are actually totally worthless... but usually their gender has nothing to do with it.  I'm sorry that the sexual choices of certain women who have crossed your path have left you feeling this way - but I can *truly* speak for them when I say that they chose what they chose for reasons that have nothing to do with any mans 'worthiness'.  

I fear that thing you're missing the most is that this is *not* a choice for me.
It's just not.

I have tried to choose being with men.  Drew was a great guy - looked like a young, blond Tom Cruise.  We had a lot of fun running around London and being married in our twenties, but it didn't work out.  Mick was great - we had some fantastic adventures.  El Capitan is hilarious and looks a lot like Vince Vaughn - we had a pretty solid 7 years of happiness..... and three years of not-so-much-happiness.... but all in all - there were more good than bad.

Each of those relationships taught me something about myself.  They helped me grow both personally and professionally, and I respect all of them, I loved all of them, they were not 'second class' or worthless in any way shape or form.  Tragically, what they all had in common was a lack of boobs.
Boobs are kind of great.
And.... generally speaking - girls who likes other girls boobs.... are gay.  
See.  It doesn't have anything to do with men at all:  it's allllll about girls.

Girls. Girls. Girls.

If it was about men, then I could have been happy with any of the men I was with:  they were good guys.
(well... mostly good until one of them cheated... but we all know that story. lol)

My point is - I am not a lesbian because of *ANY* man.  It has nothing to do with men at all.  I certainly hope I haven't given you, or anyone else, that impression. 

You and I *do* share the same sentiments about sex..... absolutely it's all about the girls pleasure.  lololol

In the LGBTQ community there is something known as a 'stone butch' - this is a butch who doesn't like to be 'touched' or have 'reciprocal' sex.  They want to do all the "work".  While I fully respect that choice, it's not one that would work me in a partner because I completely agree with you XXXXXXX, it's allllll about makin' your girl happy for sure. 

As for you having a desire to move out here... that's a super sweet gesture, however, we've never really met or talked ......  I am sorry that you feel I have let you down.

But, here's the thing:  I was letting *myself* down for a very long time.  People in my life - going back to my grade school years - know how *happy* I am now.  Just the other day Miss Allison was saying that in the 5 years she's known me - she's *never* seen me this comfortable in my own skin and so happy.  
She's right.

If you hang in there, you'll find the right person for you - the person who goes out of their way to make you happy and you can grow old together.... but warning;  any woman you find in the woods who is looking to u-haul you is probably not a good bet.  
Just sayin'.......

On that note..... I have been talking to the girl I went on a date with..... turns out - she's read this WHOLE entire blog (after we initially met through mutual friends) ..... and yet we're *still* going out again. lolol  She's a blogger herself, so when I mentioned that I might not blog about having gone out with her.... she was surprised and said... "blog away!".
Luck you guys.... eh?

She doesn't have a Blog name yet.... still working that on one. But.... she's pretty great - has a great job doing.... let's call it 'social work', which I really respect about her.  She reads a lot - (clearly she's some kind of super reader because this is a long ass blog) and she writes fiction and blogs.  She's funny - and I really like her company.... and that's about all I'm going to say for now. lol
(Oh... and since I know you're reading this:  don't be late for dinner, the service there is slow enough. lol ;)

And on that note.... this chick is off to bed .... oh - and off to bed *alone* because I put up the bed bought for the kids in March.... assembled that Swedish bad boy in 22 minutes (ten years of practice helps:  I'm the Ikea Assembly Master now).  And then I cleaned their room and separated out all their toys.  I made a few piles of certain toys to go to El Captain & La Novia's house - which the kids were stoked about.  

When I was all done I had only just taken the recycling out when I came back into the house and they were loading up the bed with blankets and pillows.... so it looks like 8 years of co-sleeping has come to a sudden and not-so-dramatic halt. 

ON TOP OF THAT...... I was *especially* stoked when, on Saturday, The Girl came running at me to say goodbye when El Capitan came to pick them up and said, "I can't wait to play with Daddy and [La Novia]!"  I just wanna' say that the *best* thing I ever did as a parent was give my children the emotional permission to love another adult in their father's life.... boof*ckingyah.
Seriously.

I didn't do *any* of that because I was 'gay'..... I did it because I knew - even in my darkest places emotionally - that it was the right thing to do for my children.... it was the right 'mommy' thing to do.
Just sayin'.......

So.... lots of growth and happiness and independence going on around here this week - which seems fitting with July 4th just around the corner!