NOTHING will change about The Blog - it will remain OPEN AND FREE. I'm not sure I was entirely clear about that.... - there are a few other very popular blogs who have 'subscriptions - BUT, it's really just a way for readers to help support the blogger. THAT IS ALL. You do not HAVE to do - nor will you be unable to read The Blog as you have been for months if you choose NOT to do it. I PROMISE. :) This is totally *optional* and I've taken OUT the word "subscription" because I think it's misleading. It's more like dropping a dollar in the solo-cup of a street performer.... that is all. I'll still be here 'singing' even if you just stop to listen and don't drop a few bucks in my solo cup. Promise. :)
Tonight was the night of the Pinewood Derby for The Boy's Cub Scout Pack. Now.... I'll be honest, I, for one, am not terribly thrilled about *certain* policies that BSA has in regards to their packs.... however, I also believe that change can only usually happen from the inside out - so when The Papa suggested that we join our local Pack - I agreed.
Two years ago, friends of ours joined BSA and asked us to join with them but El Capitan refused..... he thinks/thought that Boy Scouts as 'stupid' and didn't want to do it at all.... so we passed.
This year, however, thinking that The Boy could use some good 'male bonding' time with other kids his age and see strong male role models around him - hiking, wood working, learning patriotic things like Flag ceremonies and salutes and doing what's 'right' in life: all seemed to be messages he should be getting. So The Boy became a Scout - which *should* always be this magical time for him - but usually involves me running about the house two evening's a month in a mad dash to uncover his shirt, hat, belt and scarf thingy (which I know is *not* a scarf but I forgot the damn name.) lololol
Tonight was such a night.
Tonight was the all Pack meeting AND - the night of The Pinewood Derby!!!! The Boy and The Papa have been hard at work learning science lessons about how to reduce friction in the wheels (by rubbing them up and down a thick pile of yarn pulled through their collective center - which The Boy did for many nights in a row) - and The Papa and The Boy finely sanding down the body of the car and the nails that were used as axles.
The derby car was ready to go, however, I still could find the mothertrucking belt... (still haven't) - and I haphazardly threw The Boy his shirt, hat and scarfy thing while running back up the hall to hunt down said missing belt. I was gone a while and when I came back down the hall I nearly ran them over - because standing in the middle of the entryway was The Girl buttoning up brother's shirt.
Her eyes were focused, never moving from the buttons even as I skidded to a stop right next to them. Her forehead furrowed just slightly, her chubby cheeks wrapped into a slight pucker around her lips as she concentrated, weaving her fat, chubby, three-year-old baby fingers around those blue buttons - forcing them through the button-holes one by one all the way to the very top while The Boy stood perfectly still: watching her.
I stood for a moment kind of shell shocked by the moment.... the kindness of it, the love of it, the sweet tenderness of The Girl helping The Boy get ready for his big night.... which was all very magical until I caught site of The Bubbie who was frantically waving her arms at me to grab the camera, which of course I promptly did - and I snapped the wee gem above.
There just aren't words for how much they mean to each other..... of course, The Girl has always been my 'little Mama', she would hold and rock and "feed" her baby dolls as soon as she could sit up. I always marveled at that, because I certainly didn't prompt her and hold up dolls for her to cuddle, it as just something she did on her own. I marveled at that caring side of her then.... and now I'm just in awe of it.
We were off to the Pinewood Derby where The Boy and The Papa's car came in First in two races and Second in two other races, but failed to place in the final timed rankings. I found The Boy after the ceremony to high five him for his achievement and he noted that he didn't "win a trophy like some other kids", but then he quickly, and proudly, noted that he had "Won two times - Mom - TWO TIMES!!!!!!" - and his gap-toothed grin said it all: he was happy. Then he leaned in so close that he knocked his hat to the side and he whisper in my ear...."You know Mom, some of the kids didn't win any of the times we were racing.... so I did really good."
Truth be told, I think The Papa took the times loss a lot harder than The Boy. lolololol
After Scouts we drove to our local 31 for ice cream and he he skip-walked all the way to the front door and ran right smack up to the glass case to choose what he wanted.
Now, when *I* was a kid, there were only two ice-creams I cared for: pink bubble gum in the summer, and one scoop of Very Berry Strawberry & one scoop of World Class Chocolate in a dish (combined, it's one magic flavor). To this day, I get either one of those with the occasional mint chocolate chip - but I've never ventured much away from my usual.
The Boy, however, spends each trip asking for at least two new "taste's" - which he will give a resounding "OH YEAH!!!!" complete with a thumbs up.... or he'll blow a razzberry and shake his head with an emphatic "nah!". In the end, he never chooses the same ice-cream: it's always something new, something different.
Tonight it was strawberry frozen yogurt.
However, mid-taste through the "nah" for Reece's Pieces ice-cream, he looks up at the man behind the glass case and say's, "One scoop of chocolate in a dish, with a sugar cone please - it's for my sister."
Then he ordered his frozen yogurt.
Seriously. I sh*t you not. It's true.
Keep in mind, however, that while going to bed The Boy decided to flop around and go allll kinds of bananas and swiftly (or rather not so) kicked his sister square in the nose - and this was *after* they fought over who was going to get my "Edward" blanket - which I then quickly defused by pulling out TWO brand new Edward blankets ..... which as met with a bevy of squeals. (And... before you judge me too much.... The Boy had a batman blanket, The Girl had a Rapunzel blanket and I had Edward - the fuzzy kind with a picture printed on it... yes, don't judge me... but feel *Free* to laugh at me.... lololol).
I had bought my Edward plush blanket in December at Hot Topic and I also bought a few things for my brothers there for Christmas - and I got these spend $30, get $15 off coupons. Going back in this week, after several nights of bickering of my Edward blanket, I found that they had the blanket marked down to $13 - and so two of those and a Wonder Woman bag for Jenny B had me paying like $10 for all of it. WooHoo!!!!!
The point is..... they fight: over books and toys and little people and leap pad games and taking turns and who's going to use the potty first and what movie to watch and who stepped on who's toys and who is sharing/isn't sharing... and so on.
But under it all, there is a current between them that is stronger than anything else - and it's really the most amazing thing to see between them... it's the thing Miss Cyndie saw in them last year just before our lives blew up. I blogged or wrote in The Book about it... but she commented how close they were and how amazing and unique that was. Today, to still be (emotionally) standing in the shards of my life which keep poking me and cutting me and hurting me at the *most* inopportune times.... to find myself seeing that same bond still there: still strong.
I stood in the hallway after I took their picture and I thought to myself.... "Well than f*ck for that....."
I know - I probably *could* be slightly more poetic, but since it's just me talking to myself in my own head, I tend to keep things real... hahahaha.
Seriously though... thank f*ck for the fact that they are still *who they are* - and this whole giant Yoga Girl mess hasn't destroyed the very core of them that I feared it might.... at least not yet, anyway. So, I will fight to keep it that way.
I'm ok with being a "shitty wife"... or whatever it was that ruined my marriage - because while El Capitan is a rare breed of half-man/half-boy who's decision making has been been on a downhill slide faster than Lance Armstrong's career..... I'd be a fool to think I'm not partially responsible for what happened. (more on that later I think......)
For now, though, I'm happy to head off to bed knowing that for whatever my failings are thus far, I have not yet failed the children. I can see it in their actions with each other - and with their Father..... and yes, I might be fatter than I should be, I might swear a f*ck ton more than most, but I'm a good Mom and at the end of day - (for me) that's all that truly matters. True failure here will not be an acceptable outcome.
So far..... it looks like the 'winner' - is me.
BTW..... I appreciate all the kind words - but - for the moment - I just can't do the ads..... I really really really can't. I'm a lot of things (see above in case you forgot) - but I'm just not for sale..... at least not yet. If all a subscription nets me is a cup of coffee and brunch, then I will enjoy it once a month and know that it came from good people and a good place. :) If only Oprah would find The Book and fall in love with it's raw emotion.... then I could take us all out for brunch! bwahahahahahahaha :)