This week has been hard for me for a multitude of reasons...... one of which *is* actually The Blog because it cost me someone this last week and I'm disappointed about that.
I certainly come with a of baggage..... and a blog. A Blog that 20K plus people read every month. Which is weird and humbling all at the same time..... there are days though, where I sit and wonder why all this happened to me. Yes, yes..... I know - I'm not saying 'oh poor me'..... but I think back to that ONE innocent request for an interview and El Capitan's excitement about having the 'house on TV'.....and I wonder now if should have done it.
If I hadn't put my face on TV *with* the sign.... could I have just slipped back into my private world and moved on away from the cyber-limelight? Away from the HuffPost and it's wayward and ill-informed 'writers'.....? Then I could have just been me without the trolls and hurtful, negative comments.... I could have just moved on and left this whole mess behind. These days - with almost 200K returns on google when you type in my name.... how the *hell* am I ever going to get a regular job? LOL
How can I ever create any kind of 'mystery' with anyone I date.....? I have this lesbian friend, Keller, and she thinks The Blog is killing a lot things for me.... I fear she's right. But what do I do now?
I supposed I have to just trust that this has all happened for a reason... though I don't know what it is. I don't gain financially from it. It hasn't helped me get a job... it hasn't helped me book more work as a photographer.... so - if it costs me personal relationships as well... then I have to wonder .....
However. I'm an open person. I feel like we all benefit and learn and grow from watching other people, from sharing our experiences and our decisions..... Alex (blog reader) say's that I'm "hard" on people for not 'healing as fast' as I did.... I think perhaps my aggressive writing style might sometimes lead people to believe that... but for the most part I'm not trying to be hard on anyone: I'm trying to save people from making their lives *harder*.
When we sit around and feel sorry for ourselves, or wallow in our pain... all we are doing is sitting and wallowing: we aren't living. I just want to live...that's all. Just live - and do it with tolerance and laughter and in happiness.... and yes, I didn't waste any time trying to get there. To get here.
I get email. A lot of email. I get lots of requests for advice..... so tonight I'm feeling like rather pointless (I know: pitty party- table for one please!).... so I'm going to reply to one that came in tonight so that I feel like this all has a teeny bit more purpose today.
Well, in the first place, I'm so sorry for our loss. That must be incredibly hard and painful to go through. However, your..... emotional fragility is probably part of what attracted this man. I know that sounds harsh, and I feel mean saying it.... but newly alone and whatnot - he probably see's you as 'easy pickings'.
In the second place, this man is a liar. You have caught him in MULTIPLE lies to several women... and if you found one or two or three.... I can *assure* that the actual amount of girls he's currently 'dating' is much, much higher....
So, I think first and foremost, you need to go get an STD test. You can get one through your regular GP, or you can go down to Planned Parenthood and regardless of age, you can get tested on a sliding scale based on your income. You can also grab any of the free gay or queer *local* magazines - and in the back there will be several places you can get STD and HIV tested for free or for a minimal amount.
Chances are.... he's probably already shared HSV type 1 or 2, almost certainly HPV and potentially other things.... so you want to make sure you know before you talk to any of the other women. If you have something - they will have something. :( My first priority would be my own personal health and well-being.
After you get your tests back (and let's hope and pray that they negative for everything) - I would contact the second woman on Facebook. I would have a detailed conversation with her about *what* he say's and what promises he makes. Men who lie and cheat do with with the same vocabulary for each woman. He's tell you YOU that you're "the only one" and he's saying the exact same words to the other woman. Chances are... he's telling any woman in his life the same lies and promises and doing it with the same words. When you confront a woman about her cheating partner - if you can give her concrete details - like the same saying/lies/etc... that will go a long way to proving you are right and not just lying to her.
Then I would ABSOLUTELY call his wife. Without a doubt. If they are truly separated, then she won't care. She'll confirm that they live in separate rooms and they are no longer "together". I certainly hope his daughter didn't try to commit suicide... however if she's been in graduate school since 1999.... well - that might drive anyone to suicidal thoughts.
I mean... seriously - that's a very long time to be "in school". So that doesn't add up at all.
If they *are* together, then his wife has a right to know who you are, what STD's you may or may not have, and how many other women there are. She has a right to her own intimate privacy and her husband could be violating that right now. That's unsafe and not okay. Not. At. All.
Finally, you should think about yourself.
Why - WHY are you settling for a man who tells you that he only "dates married women" so they don't "get attached".... I'm guessing you're having sex.....? Guess what motherf*cker... that's pretty "attached". According to the Spice Girls in 1996, "Baby get it on, get it on... 'Cause tonight is the night when 2 become 1".... and we all know that Sporty Spice and Ginger Spice and Baby Spice were right.
Why are you okay with being with someone who doesn't want to be "attached" to you?
I gotta' be honest... I don't know you - and *I'm* not okay with that. No one deserves to be someone else's toy or distraction or ego boost.... or whatever it is he's playing at.
You deserve to take time for yourself. You should step back from this toxic man and a bad situation and work on *you*. Only YOU. You should get a hobby, take some classes at the local community college - explore a subject or a theory you always wanted to know more about. Volunteer at a local women's shelter, homeless shelter.... or go hang out at an old folks home. There are countless *amazing* people literally sitting on couches waiting to tell you kick ass life stories. They would *love* and value your company.
Don't you want to be valued?
Don't you want to be appreciated?
Tell the wife.
Change your cell phone number, block him on your facebook page and move on.
Get right with yourself. *HEAL* yourself..... and you'll look back on this one day and be grateful that you did - you'll be grateful that you moved forward and built a new life for yourself instead of being this man's "only 1" of many, many women......
I'm sorry he lied to you.
I'm sorry he's a giant douche bag.
Oh.... and when you talk to his wife, if they aren't broken, up, be sure to tell her that you're sorry.
Good luck. :)
Mother, "scorned wife", photographer, designer, potential blog writer and recent guest on The View.... life's been pretty crazy as of late - crazybeautiful that is!
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