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A Wee Break.......

6/20/2013

4 Comments

 
This week has been hard for me for a multitude of reasons...... one of which *is* actually The Blog because it cost me someone this last week and I'm disappointed about that.  

I certainly come with a of baggage..... and a blog.  A Blog that 20K plus people read every month.  Which is weird and humbling all at the same time.....  there are days though, where I sit and wonder why all this happened to me.  Yes, yes..... I know - I'm not saying 'oh poor me'..... but I think back to that ONE innocent request for an interview and El Capitan's excitement about having the 'house on TV'.....and I wonder now if should have done it.

If I hadn't put my face on TV *with* the sign.... could I have just slipped back into my private world and moved on away from the cyber-limelight?  Away from the HuffPost and it's wayward and ill-informed 'writers'.....?  Then I could have just been me without the trolls and hurtful, negative comments.... I could have just moved on and left this whole mess behind.  These days - with almost 200K returns on google when you type in my name.... how the *hell* am I ever going to get a regular job?  LOL

How can I ever create any kind of 'mystery' with anyone I date.....?  I have this lesbian friend, Keller, and she thinks The Blog is killing a lot things for me.... I fear she's right.  But what do I do now?

I supposed I have to just trust that this has all happened for a reason... though I don't know what it is.  I don't gain financially from it.  It hasn't helped me get a job... it hasn't helped me book more work as a photographer.... so - if it costs me personal relationships as well... then I have to wonder .....

However.  I'm an open person.  I feel like we all benefit and learn and grow from watching other people, from sharing our experiences and our decisions..... Alex (blog reader) say's that I'm "hard" on people for not 'healing as fast' as I did.... I think perhaps my aggressive writing style might sometimes lead people to believe that... but for the most part I'm not trying to be hard on anyone:  I'm trying to save people from making their lives *harder*.  

When we sit around and feel sorry for ourselves, or wallow in our pain... all we are doing is sitting and wallowing:  we aren't living.  I just want to live...that's all.  Just live - and do it with tolerance and laughter and in happiness.... and yes, I didn't waste any time trying to get there.  To get here.  

I get email.  A lot of email.  I get lots of requests for advice..... so tonight I'm feeling like rather pointless (I know:  pitty party- table for one please!).... so I'm going to reply to one that came in tonight so that I feel like this all has a teeny bit more purpose today.

Well, in the first place, I'm so sorry for our loss.  That must be incredibly hard and painful to go through.  However, your..... emotional fragility is probably part of what attracted this man.  I know that sounds harsh, and I feel mean saying it.... but newly alone and whatnot - he probably see's you as 'easy pickings'.

In the second place, this man is a liar.  You have caught him in MULTIPLE lies to several women... and if you found one or two or three.... I can *assure* that the actual amount of girls he's currently 'dating' is much, much higher.... 

So, I think first and foremost, you need to go get an STD test. You can get one through your regular GP, or you can go down to Planned Parenthood and regardless of age, you can get tested on a sliding scale based on your income.  You can also grab any of the free gay or queer *local* magazines - and in the back there will be several places you can get STD and HIV tested for free or for a minimal amount.

Chances are.... he's probably already shared HSV type 1 or 2, almost certainly HPV and potentially other things.... so you want to make sure you know before you talk to any of the other women.  If you have something - they will have something. :(  My first priority would be my own personal health and well-being.

After you get your tests back (and let's hope and pray that they negative for everything) - I would contact the second woman on Facebook.  I would have a detailed conversation with her about *what* he say's and what promises he makes.  Men who lie and cheat do with with the same vocabulary for each woman.  He's tell you YOU that you're "the only one" and he's saying the exact same words to the other woman.  Chances are... he's telling any woman in his life the same lies and promises and doing it with the same words.  When you confront a woman about her cheating partner - if you can give her concrete details - like the same saying/lies/etc... that will go a long way to proving you are right and not just lying to her.

Then I would ABSOLUTELY call his wife.  Without a doubt.  If they are truly separated, then she won't care.  She'll confirm that they live in separate rooms and they are no longer "together".   I certainly hope his daughter didn't try to commit suicide... however if she's been in graduate school since 1999.... well - that might drive anyone to suicidal thoughts.

I mean... seriously - that's a very long time to be "in school".  So that doesn't add up at all.

If they *are* together, then his wife has a right to know who you are, what STD's you may or may not have, and how many other women there are.  She has a right to her own intimate privacy and her husband could be violating that right now.  That's unsafe and not okay.  Not. At. All.
Period.

Finally, you should think about yourself. 

Why - WHY are you settling for a man who tells you that he only "dates married women" so they don't "get attached".... I'm guessing you're having sex.....?  Guess what motherf*cker... that's pretty "attached".  According to the Spice Girls in 1996, "Baby get it on, get it on... 'Cause tonight is the night when 2 become 1".... and we all know that Sporty Spice and Ginger Spice and Baby Spice were right.

Why are you okay with being with someone who doesn't want to be "attached" to you?

I gotta' be honest... I don't know you - and *I'm* not okay with that.  No one deserves to be someone else's toy or distraction or ego boost.... or whatever it is he's playing at.

You deserve to take time for yourself.  You should step back from this toxic man and a bad situation and work on *you*.  Only YOU.  You should get a hobby, take some classes at the local community college - explore a subject or a theory you always wanted to know more about.  Volunteer at a local women's shelter, homeless shelter.... or go hang out at an old folks home.  There are countless *amazing* people literally sitting on couches waiting to tell you kick ass life stories.  They would *love* and value your company.

Don't you want to be valued?
Don't you want to be appreciated?

Get tested.
Tell the wife.
Change your cell phone number, block him on your facebook page and move on.

Get right with yourself.  *HEAL* yourself..... and you'll look back on this one day and be grateful that you did - you'll be grateful that you moved forward and built a new life for yourself instead of being this man's "only 1" of many, many women......

I'm sorry he lied to you.
I'm sorry he's a giant douche bag.

Oh.... and when you talk to his wife, if they aren't broken, up, be sure to tell her that you're sorry.
Good luck.  :)




4 Comments
Alex
6/20/2013 01:03:19 am

Okay Elle, that's a fair point. It is good for people to push themselves into recovering as fast as possible for their own sakes. Just reiterate to people that this is advice for their sakes, because you were really seeming McJudgey Pants at the wrong people FFS and you're usually quite understanding. And be fair, many won't have the ability to bounce back quickly and may need to wallow (for a limited time) to get it out of their system.

And.... in many cases parents are 100% right to keep the "other person" at arm's length from their kids. What you're doing with La Novia might work, but for many it would be a terrible idea.

The advice you gave in this post is perfect, and to the woman who needed it, Elle has hit the nail on the head. The WORST thing you can do for yourself and various women right now is put your head in the sand. Be as bold as possible with it, because you may actually save lives and health that way, with the STDs and all. If you stand by and do nothing; well, you could have done something. Which would you rather look back on?

Also, her advice about turning your energy to people in need was perfect. Most misery is caused by sending your energy in a wrong direction. Doing something that has a point to it, even if unrelated to what you think is your personal happiness, really opens one's eyes and breaks one free of any shackles that held them back, those just fall away somehow.

And a huge hug to you. Men like him pick emotionally fragile women for a purpose and its not out of tenderness. My mom was you once. The best thing she ever did was hang up the phone on him, even though it was so hard to do at the time. She's never had to look back.

Also, FYI, if they're living in the same house they aren't separated.

Elle- about the blog interfering with your life; it might have, but I don't think stopping the blog now will undo that. If you turn it in a direction like this post today, it will be way less intimidating for people in your personal life.

Why not turn the blog in a new direction where you share advice based on experience, but don't keep us posted on life in real time? This post was awesome.

I'd also recommend that new people in your personal life not bother reading too much of the older posts or the book. When I read that Carhartt was reading the book and the blog from start to finish I thought it was a terrible idea, but wasn't sure I was right so I don't think I said anything. Reading anything puts one's mind in a different place and different time, and that is their reality inside their heads while they read it. Your story is past history, but reading makes it live again for the reader. I advise anyone you date to just know the gist of it, (via being told about it verbally) but not go time traveling to have it live again via reading.

I know that reading the book wasn't what broke you two up, but I think it would have adversely affected the relationship down the road, even is unconsciously.

Reply
Romana
6/20/2013 05:47:06 am

This blog has been the most interesting and educational for me. But I understand if you need to quit. Thank you so much for what you have taught me, what you have shared and helping me feel like I was experiencing a lot of things firsthand. I hope we can still access what has been written so far. I sometimes go back and read stuff over again. And I especially at times NEED to see the Disneyland dance video. Hope you can get a regular job too.

Reply
Emma
6/20/2013 11:11:35 pm

I love this blog. I love your attitude towards life. I respect you. So if you way the pros and cons of the blog and decide that your life would be better without it, please don't feel obliged to keep writing it. I know you don't get paid for it. It must take a lot of time and energy. Perhaps you need a break? or to post less often?

I honestly think you could make money doing this blog. Yes, it would involve advertisements. I know how you feel about them. but finding a way to put 'bread in your jar' from home would be great for you.

Reply
Kay
6/22/2013 03:23:27 am

EXCUSE ME.... Don't QUIT.

Strong Women do not quit... They are CREATIVE.

Think of the time your readers will have NOTHING to do if you quit! Ha-Ha....




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