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5 Days of Gratitude:  Day One

12/17/2012

5 Comments

 
I feel like I can't turn on the news or read my facebook wall without feeling my fog starting to come over me.... I have to wonder if we're all starting to feel that way.  So many debates online - people screaming at each other in ALL CAPS as though banging on your keyboard harder gets your point across faster and louder.... it doesn't. lolol... but we all do it anyway. 

I keep thinking about the last weeks events... my personal opinion is that talking about guns and more security in schools might curtail future events - but doesn't help solve the problem.  The *problem* is a human one - not a mechanical one.  We have to first solve what is wrong within our society that human life has been devalued by anyone to this level.  We start by working on a fix for that..... at least that's how I feel.

Part of it, is not continuing the cycle of hate and anger.... as of late this blog ... or rather - *me* -, I have been rather full of anger and frustration and it spills out onto the keyboard and fills up the screen.  My feelings have a place... all of our feelings *do*.  Even hateful ones, however, the *feelings* are just that - they remain feelings and do not become actions.

I wish, for these boys this past week - those feelings, whatever unexplainable feelings they were... had just remained feelings and not become something else.

I've always been a talker.... you know right where you stand with me.  For some people, that makes me a b*tch.  Most of the people in my life, however, find it to be an endearing quality.  I don't have time for fake games or fake friends.  I am who I am.... like me or not, I can only be me.  I am honest... clearly.  And, sometimes honest to a fault.  I'm not afraid to own my mistakes, and I'm not afraid to say sorry.

When I found out about Yoga Girl, I took a few days reading and absorbing as much information as I could get my hands on about infidelity and divorce and such.  I don't go "grey" areas.  Everything for me has to be black and white.  Clean.  Simple. Yoga Girl and the lies El Capitan was telling me were nothing but grey, murky, muddy waters... which were drowning me slowly.

After a few days of me crying and begging and him lying and lying....  I put on facebook (with El Capitan's permission) that were splitting up and I delicately suggested that "three people don't make one marriage".  I left it at that and went to bed.

I woke up the next more to a phone blowing up, a full in-box and a million concerned friends - which is a nice thing to wake up, too, actually.  I had an email from a client, so I clicked on that first.

She had seen my post on facebook... I had done their wedding years before and had become quite friendly with them.  However... I think by now you might have noticed that *most* of my clients become friends, and often, very good ones.... I'm lucky that way.    Over the years, other photographers have mocked me for that a bit - the fact that I would let my clients into to my life the way I do.  But.. I always have and because of that openness I woke up the one email that helped me the most in those darkest days.

She told me that her parents had gone through a similar situation when she wasn't too much older than The Boy. She said that for years her parents went back and forth and back and forth.... coming home from school, she wasn't always sure who would still be living there - who might have moved out after a  fight, etc.  She said that that was harder on her - than if they had just split up the first time and moved on.

She said that even when things were good, she had a pit in her stomach when her hand hit the front door not knowing if *that* day was going to be the day Dad moved out again.... or not.

She told me to leave.  She knew El Capitan, had met him several times.  For a while, I thought the four of us might be social friends.... but the couple moved away for school.  So, she knew him some - and she still told me to leave - she told me not to beg him to stay if he didn't want to.

I cried through the whole email.  Her parents had been so classy and kind at her wedding.  I didn't detect *any* animosity between them.  They were dancing together, and stood in family photos together - it was a joyful day centered around their gorgeous daughter and her fantastic hubby-to-be.  (I really love that guy, btw.)  I didn't pick up on anything other than respect for her, for their "family" as it was then and for the importance of the event of the day.

I heard her words, and saw them as coming from seven-year old her - not the professional woman I know her to be. But, the childhood her who wanted to stop me from putting my children through what she had seen.

I never believed in "airing out" my "dirty laundry".  lolol... I can almost *hear* some of you laughing behind your monitors.... but it's true.  I had ONE policy during my marriage:  neither of us talks bad about each other to other people.

Often when guy friends or girl friends get together and start trash talking their spouses their friends around are quick to say "Oh, I would never put up with that..." or, "I can't believe you let her talk to you like that..." blah blah blah.  However, the story-teller is rarely honest about *why* someone said what they said:  what event or comment or issue came *before* what was said.  So, it's easy to give your friends bad advice about their relationships when people don't know the full picture.  And unless you *sleep* in your friends bed with them... you most definitely do not know the truth.

So, up until I put that status update.  Until the sign and the interviews (and *EVEN THEN* I said little).... it really wasn't until I started the blog that I started putting out there my entire story for the world to see and pick apart.  Sometimes it's good... sometimes it's not.  Sometimes it hurts.

Most of all... I think it helps.  I think it helps me process... and according to the (literally) hundreds of emails I get each month - it seems to be helping many of you in some kind of crazy way.... which is rather amazing.
And very, very humbling......

But.  The point is: I was open.  I was honest about my pain and my struggle and here someone in my life stepped forward and said - don't do this, do that instead.

How *amazing* is she?

She could have stayed quiet, she could have watched the train wreck from the sidelines and dissected me and discussed me with her (wonderful) hubby.  But she didn't.... she saw me standing on the tracks and pulled me off before *another* train ran me over.  She *shared* with me her experience - her valuable childhood opinion in an effort to save my children from yet more pain.

I'm incredibly lucky that I have people - even on the peripheral, on the web and through this blog - who step up and tell it to me like it is.  I can read all the books I want - but, personal experience is always going to influence me more than anything in a book.

So, her words helped me keep to my resolve... and thank f*ck for that.  Based on who El Capitan is *now* - trying to work things out (while he's never actually said it) clearly isn't something he wanted to do. Ever. 

More than that... her words gave me hope because she and her family had been through something hard and emotional and tumultuous, and yet..... they had stood in front of me, whole and happy... and divorced.

Which is why.... even though I want to climb into the sandbox and get my Game of Thrones on some days.... I don't.  I come here and to my friends to share my day, share the pain, share my fears and I find help and hope and friendship.... and I learn so much.  I learn how to be a better Mom, a better ex-wife (because believe it or not... *that* is actually a goal) - and a better friend.

Sometimes I'm failing on all accounts... sometimes I'm winning.  Either way - it's only *ever* happening because I'm here, sharing this sh*t show of a life I'm having for  ... well... everyone. lolol

The last week with El Capitan has been another fantastic trip down Who's Telling The Truth Today lane.... he say's he's trying. He say's doing his best.... he say's he didn't answer the phone on our anniversary because he didn't think the conversation would be healthy.

He has a point... a valid one.  However, I then pointed out that his interest in having 'healthy conversations' with would have been MUCH MORE helpful PRIOR to having sex with Yoga Girl.... sigh.

However, he has a point.... he say's he was feeling guilty that day and didn't want to fight about things.  I can understand that.  I can.  I don't want to fight about anything... I still just want the same answers I was asking for in April.  It's the inability to be honest and give me the answers that we then fight about things..... I can tell his friends have been talking to him.  Feeding him things.....

It's a shame for them, that they don't really know *me*.  I don't know what version of me El Capitan has been sharing with them over the years... but when it comes down to brass tax, El Capitan *knows* I haven't done anything wrong. He knows that he's agreed to the blog and the book and their contents.  I've agreed not to reveal his name.  Done.  I haven't. 

I don't know why I'm on this journey.... my kids deserve better, that's for sure.  I want to shake him and wake him up and point at the news and scream:  This isn't worth it!  We're wasting our time - time we could lose - let's just be a family and be happy.....

But that ain't gonna happen.

At the time time, I wanna shake the sh*t out of myself and scream:  Quit feeling sorry for your stupid self, get your ass to the gym, work less, laugh more, play with the kids and STOP WASTING TIME - time you could lose!

As much as I want it too... that also isn't going to happen anytime soon.
(well... hopefully at least the gym part sooner rather than later... lololol)

In the meantime... I'm GRATEFUL that I'm not alone.  I'm grateful that people step up and tell me where I've gone wrong, where I've gone right.... and share their experiences.  I'm thankful that there are people in my life who help me carve out my future by being willing to share their experiences and opinions with me.

Those words, those experiences - they are helping me shape my future and my children's future - and while I might struggle and fall and get pissed and be pissy..... I'm glad my feelings stay *here* and don't become actions so that I can get up tomorrow, start fresh and try again.

I'll keep getting up.  I'll keep resetting things with El Capitan and trying - and... he is, too.  In his own way.  Which is all I can ask.....

So.... MR




5 Comments
Lauren
12/17/2012 12:42:44 am

I have a question for you. Are the answers to these questions you have worth the pain they are causing you? Will they really change anything? Do you really think you will feel better when you get your answers? Seriously consider these.
My mom (by now, three comments in a row, you may be tired of hearing about my mom... sorry about that) never got answers to why her El Capitan cheated on her. I once asked her if she ever got answers from him as to why he cheated and she told me that it didn't really matter why he cheated. She knew that she would never get the truth from my father. He would never feel responsible for his actions (he always had excuses that she was never a good enough wife. That she didn’t work hard enough, that she was not good enough in bed, that she didn’t sort the cans in the cabinet well enough, etc etc etc) and he would never admit that he was wrong to cheat on her instead of talking to her. He slept with many women half his age (and by women I mean teenagers) and felt justified in it. My mother tried her hardest to change to please but really, there was nothing she could have done. In reality his cheating was all about ego boosting and control. He wanted to be in control of her and couldn't be so he manipulated younger girls and was able to better control them. Their undying devotion also was a great ego boost.

Though El Capitan may not be the same as my father, I still think he had similar reasons to cheat. He took you and your kids for granted and wanted someone who would adore him that was “new” and “exciting.” I think he wanted to shirk responsibilities and to go back to a place where he could be adored and not worry about drippy noses or taking out the trash. He wanted out and that is what he got. He was impulsive (perhaps? I’m not in his shoes so I can’t really say) and really didn’t see what he had going for him. He lost focus, possibly due to friends bashing their own circumstances, and stopped seeing how wonderful his family really was for him. He stopped seeing your help and love and instead started seeing the limits he had on his life (the adult limits that are in all adult’s lives) and wanted to play. These are why, in my own opinion, he cheated.

I’d let these questions go. They won’t do either of you any good. Do your best to move on and let El Capitan have his “freedom” that he destroyed your marriage for. Let him be there for the children but let go of your arguments and questions about your marriage and his cheating. He is already gone and the answers won’t really make you feel better (believe me on that one). If he is anything like my dad, he may still feel justified for cheating over 20 years later. You don’t want to hear him say that to your face so don’t try to make him. My father has had 5 (or 6?) children with the 14 year old he tried to move into our house when my mom was married to him. I talked to him once and he still blames my mother for “taking us away from him” and turning us against him even though he was both abusive to and repeatedly cheated on her. She never once talked bad about him but he believes that he is innocent and she is the only reason that we dislike him.

Think long and hard about these answers. Is it worth getting lied to continuously about? Is it worth the anger it causes? Is it worth the extra pain? Would the truth feel any better? Perhaps you can find closure by yourself. You can only control your own actions. Perhaps by accepting this, it will be easier to move on (?).

I’m not sure if my comments (aka walls of text) have been at all helpful. I hope they have been, to some degree. Keep pushing forward and I hope your power stayed on (or if it is off I hope you get power again soon). Try to find happy moments each day and continue to push forward. You are stronger than you think.

Reply
brenda
12/20/2012 10:34:20 am

I totally agree. After devoting X number of years to this ingrate is he worth even a minute more? that is the question you must answer.

Yoga girl has nothing to do with it. He was the one married to you.

If I could, I would answer for you..... he's not worth your time, energy or love. Sorry. So sincerly sorry. I know it hurts.

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Bookworm on the Olive Branch
12/19/2012 06:16:28 am

I just finished reading "I Love You But I Don't Trust You: The Complete Guide to Restoring Trust in Your Relationship" and if nothing else it reminded me of the little simple things people can do to sort out what's worth working on and what's worth letting go (for your own peace of mind). It has a wide range so I'd have to say it might be worth your while to pick this one up. I'm not saying you need to forgive El Capitan or Ugly Baby Teeth but maybe you need or want to have a working strategy on how to deal with their sh*t as they will be apart of your life until he dumps her for the next younger woman.

Wishing YOU, The Boy, The Girl (and the rest of your family) a joy filled holiday.

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Charlie Knight link
12/28/2012 05:52:19 pm

I have always wanted to be married to a nice lady and have children.
But I had epilepsy when in high school and the next 30 years or so the doctors spent trying to make certain I never dated or married so I would not have a child and "weaken" the gene pool.
I say this to say that one of my greatest fears is that I might act like "el Capitan" if I married because Dad had an awful temper.
Yet I write to say that my heart aches and a part of me cries inside when I read of the troubles you have had.
Marriage might not be for everyone, but it is such a joy to raise a child and guide this little life to a fuller appreciation of the wonders of God that are all around us.
I see you like photography and design, and we have that in common, so I think I can guess about your "creative" side as well and that you are maybe more "sensitive" than others about some things in life.
This note comes to tell you that someone else is praying for you and your children and would like to reach out arms across this wide space and give you a hug.
I have viewed my life as such a worthless group of failed decisions of late, even when others are saying they have liked to be around me. It seems I have gotten so used to being told I do not conform to what many people want that I have "shut out" the view of those that like something about me.
Please do not do the same in your life. I know it is humbling to find that a trusted "significant other" did not live up to the promised things they said they would do. But by not you have a long list of broken promises by this individual, so a future change, without the intervention of God, is highly improbable.
My Uncle, who lived on the other side of our house with his widowed sister, never had a child but was more of a "father" to me than my real Dad knew how to be, until he gave his live over to God in the later years of his life -- oh what a great change happened then. But my Uncle Harold had a poem that was found in his Bible after he died, it part it read:
"I will be happy and be glad,
if I found myself successful
as a little fellow's Dad"
He was a Dad to me, and perhaps your children will have such "Dad" figures in their lives as well when "El Capitan" can or will not seem to do it. I think of the song Dana Winners, a Belgian singer singes called "Put on your White Sombrero". I do not know if I can put the you tube link to that song here, but if I can, here it is
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X93WhYYChoo&feature=related
and I would hope you can find a male figure for the children that is a "man of his own time" and not some "macho" guy that does not fit into any life that is real.
Being a Husband, Father, and Dad are full time occupations, and in the spare time you "go to work". My Dad used to spend every weekend in the Spring, Summer, and Fall cutting wood for us. I resented that when growing up as he was never available to go to many things with me and if he took me to a baseball game, little league, he would fall asleep while watching from his car.
I now understand, he was doing all he could to keep my Mom and I alive. He refused to have any other children as Mom almost died giving birth to me, and he did not want to lose her.
He loved my Mom more than life itself.
I may never have the opportunity to love like that, but there are ladies I have and do love and pray for very, very often.
Dana Winner also sings a great song, "Conquest of Paradise" that I have felt was a good song for people, like myself, who have been homeless and is a challenge to believe in themselves.
I would ask you to listen to that song. Here is a link with the url for a you tube rendition with Spanish sub titles found at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tm-gq1_T6c8

There is a light that shines in your heart that defies the dark of the night, and attaching yourself to it is like wings riding on of hope taking flight.

I encourage you to take that flight and soar above the present difficulties even more than you have.

Know that a lot of us are "with you" and your children.

Each life, even "El Capitan" touches other lives and had the potential for much good, even it the life as a whole is purely evil.

Reach out and embrace the lives of those around you and celebrate their successes and share their hopes. Let God pour out his "honey" upon the bitterness of your life and make his heavenly "lemon aid".

Bless you, abundantly.

Charlie

Reply
Elle
1/16/2013 03:15:07 pm

Hi Charlie -

I've been trying to email you, but it bounces back. Can you email me - greatfamilyhome@hotmail.com?

Thank you!
elle

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