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Takin' a Walk on The Dark Side...... (you can put a Tipper Gore Parent Advisory Sticker HERE.... fyi)

9/5/2012

9 Comments

 
Today is the *last* day I have a baby..... instead of going out and enjoying it - I can't.

I'm either far too f**king angry....... I'm actually seething.  VERY few people actually know what goes on behind the Wizards Curtain..... very few.  I keep allllllllll the dirty laundry locked behind that curtain and I'm *SO* tired of doing it.

I'm so f**king angry that EVERYTHING comes down to me.

Wah....... you were tired of coming home "every night" and having your "life planned out for you" - because you couldn't do the things you wanted to do.... like play more Batman Arkham and basketball? 

Really?  What *MAN* actually get's to do whatever he wants when he's 33 with two kids and full time job that takes up OVER 50 hours of each week?  HUH?  What?

You traded in your TWO CHIDLREN for the Playstation...... and you know what - let's *talk* about that Playstation... shall we?

Broke.  broke as a m*therf**king joke........ but I had a few Target gift cards that clients had given me.

See, here's something you only know about me *if* you're one of my clients.  Not all my clients pay.... and not all my clients pay the same.  I have rates - and many of my clients pay the full rate.... and many do not.  I haven't raised my rates - EVER.  I've been the *same* price for over ten years - and there are families for whom I am photographed their children for those entire ten years.

I consider that an honor. 

So, some clients pay less, some pay more.... but - you have *no idea* how many times my clients have SAVED OUR ASS.  When The Boy and The Girl needed over $8K in dental work EACH and our benefits max out at $2K - I had a client who did allllllllllll that work and didn't charge us. 

DIDN'T CHARGE US.  I don't need to raise my rates, because more often than not, when I have *needed* it, my clients have been there for me in ways very few business people enjoy.

I cannot tell you how grateful I have been for that.... for their kindness.  Really.  It's humbling.

So.  I kind of collect and hoard gift cards.  Some clients give me Startbucks or Target cards as "thank you's" - and I collect them and keep them for when I really *need* them...... like when I wanted to buy The Boy a Wii for Christmas - I paid for it with gift cards from clients.

Well, THAT was how we got the Playstation.  I had gift cards from clients and one from my brother for my birthday and I saved them up and then *I* bought El Capitan the Playstation for Father's Day.  I used *MY* gift cards on YOU....  yup, man, your wife was a real c*nt, huh?  Honestly, looking back I'm totally unclear on how it was you put up with my sh*t for so long......

How do you like THEM apples?  Are you listening Yoga Girl.......?  THAT Playstation that the two of you stay up late playing video games on... *I* bought that b*tch.  ME.  Yet again... you enjoy my sloppy seconds.

So El Capitan - you TRADED in our children's smilling faces and you BETRAYED their trusting hearts..... for what? 

Question:  HOW many women - and let's be honest here..... HOW MANY WOMEN in their mid-thirties would have been *happy* with the life you could "provide" for us?  Buying allllll Wal-Mart brand foods, getting meat from the cheap section, wearing clothes she had to buy at The Goodwill.......

You were THAT f**king fantastic?  Really?  Not in bed my friend..... THAT I can assure you. 
And at this point.... not anywhere else.

What an a** I was.... BECAUSE I WAS HAPPY.  I WAS HAPPY.  I would have gone without ANYTHING, I would have worked even harder... .because NO - unlike some of your friends have been lead to believe - I DO NOT stay at home allll day - I *WORK*.  I put in AT LEAST 40 hours a week working in addition to the kids and homeschool..... BUT.  I was happy.  Truly happy.  And I felt LUCKY that we had you to love us and be such a *good* Dad...... but that's all past tense now.

But me - how STUPID am I?  While you regail your friends with tales about what a b*tch I am?  WHAT?  They have NO IDEA how you were at home.... the kind of ACTUAL SACRAFICES I MADE so that our children wouldn't go without toys and the right clothes and fun trips.  ME - not you - ME!!!!! ME!!!!!!!!

The Saturn:  I bought and PAID FOR THAT CAR WITH EVERY SENT of my own money.  and YOU smashed in the vents and busted the radio last month in a fit of anger.... thanks.  I appreciate that.

The MAzda.... again - MY MONEY - BOUGHT AND PAID FOR ONLY BY ME.

The House?  THAT WAS MY MONEY for the downpayment...... MY MONEY.

Yes... thanks for paying the mortgage - but seeing as how *I* bought us a house JUST before the market exploded and our actual mortgage was only $200 more a month than our rent in our apartment.... and now your new apartment is $1000 a month....  - I don't really see that as a huge deal, but thanks for paying it all the same.

*ALL***** of El Capitans friends are mad me.  They alllllllll think - no, - they KNOW - he's justified in leaving me because..... I "never let him finish a sentence...." and I "mothered him too much" .... and I'm a "bitch".  Really?  And what is HE now?

WHY WHY WHY.  When El Capitan NEVER brought ANY Of this up TO ME during our marriage - any of those days I BEGGED AND BEGGED AND BEGGED for him to talk to me - for him to go to counseling - for US to go to counseling.... HE NEVER TRIED.

What about HIS JOB AS A FATHER?

Do my "sins" as a WIFE really negate his duties as a DAD?  REALLY?

HE should have put the children first..... HE should have opened his f**king mouth and SAID SOMETHING instead of unzipping Yoga Girl's pants and dropping his parenting rights into her gspot.

Serioulsy.

You *ALL* need to grow the f**k up if you think that THAT is acceptable.

So.... he forget's to mention alllllllll the bills I paid - THAT WERE IN HIS NAME.  He forgets to mention all the LOVE I showered on him..... how PROUD I was of him - INSPITE of the financial sacrafices that were always being made.  HE FORGETS the good times.... the laughter, the fun. 

He FORGETS when we were happy because at some point he just .... gave up.

YET.... the kids and I are the ones who pay the price for this.  US.  not him.  US.

One of his friends warned me that he has two friends who still report to him what people say on my Facebook page - and that everynight he cuts and paste's my Blog so that he can use it in court......

Nice, huh?  Leave me with the mess..... leave me with the crying kids and the unanswered questions.  I do THE BEST I CAN.  WE put a sign in the yard - but *I'm* the one who has to answer to the media and the WORLD for that, too......

And let us NOT FORGET El Capitan - I have TWO EMAILS from you where you state that I can write *WHATEVER I WANT* on the blog or in a book and you won't use it against me in court.

So why sneak.....? And by the f**king way..... it's a PUBLIC BLOG - for ADULTS.  The children don't read this.... and at least it provides me a place to get my thoughts out..... am I not supposed to have EVEN that much?

Really?

The REAL truth is something very few people know..... El Capitan knows the secrets I *still* keep for his benefit... and yet not one ounce of gratitude for it. 

Here's the deal though... no matter what I WRITE here.... the kids know the truth.  I DO NOT tell them.  I DO NOT talk about this adult stuff with them or around them ..... but they know the truth because YOU do it to THEM.  You think you're punishing me - but you're NOT... it's THEM you're hurting the most.  And it's YOUR relationship with them that hurts the most.

And yes, sometimes when we talk I'm still "mad"..... no sh*t.  Dude - you did this FOUR MONTHS AGO.  We've only been divorced for TWO MONTHS!!!!  Yes.... you say that since then I say "very mean things" to you....  But - YOU DID A VERY MEAN THING.  What don't you understand about that?

And I *thought* this would get easier.... I *thought* we could move forward and co-parent.... but I didn't realise *how much* the ongoing stuff was going to hurt... I didn't know how painful it would be for ME when you continue to lie to me and to them......

Instead of our divorce being the end of something... it really just marked the START of me finding out alllll the nasty ugly truth..... If I didn't get sucker punched EVERY SINGLE TIME I get three steps ahead.... then yeah - I probably *would* be moving forward like *I* actually so desperately want to......

So today.... I *want* to go out and enjoy the world and enjoy this last day of my baby being a baby.... but first I have to pull myself up off the floor, clean up my face so The Boy doesn't say ... "Daddy is making Mommy cry again....." - Because THAT IS WHAT HE SAY'S.  I tell him, "honey, sometimes people just cry because they did things wrong and things went wrong and .... it's good to cry....."  I *TRY*, but he knows the truth.... he knows it becuase YOU MAKE HIM CRY, TOO.  YOU.  not me.  *YOU*.

Get it?  Probably not.

I have to find a way out of this.... I have to find a way to get back to the place I was two months ago - before the avalange of truth started taking me out bit by bit... pound by pound of truth in uncovered lies..... each one even more painful than the one before..... *IF* I could get that to stop..... I could heal.

Today, however, I'll fake it.... and try to hold on to this last glimmer of my baby being a baby..... because this *IS* my last baby.  You said it had to be that way and I did what a wife is supposed to do when their husband makes a decision:  I had my tubes tied.   No more babies for me.  No more last days of summer before the first day of preschool.  NO ONE understands what I sacraficed for you.... ungrateful you.

9 Comments
Aimee
9/5/2012 04:37:38 am

I promise that all of these feeling your are feeling are normal. I went through a divorce with the same kind of circumstances (cheating b@stard man). You need to get it all out. If you can't and won't air all the dirty laundry on here then go to a counselor and do it. It's only for your own benefit. Also, if it all possible take up a kick boxing class or some physical classes to help you get the anger out. I know that there is a lot of anger there and I've been there. It feels horrible. You have every right to hurt and if so called "friends" can't see that then, you never needed them to begin with.

Reply
Tim Paque
9/5/2012 04:57:45 am

It's a waste of effort to try to argue blame with either your ex or his friends, you will only frustrate yourself.

You know you are right, and anyone reasonable knows you are.

He may have even had a few valid reasons to be unhappy, but the fact that he caught you by surprise says it all, a good person would have spoken up a few hundred times before throwing in the towel, and would have left BEFORE finding someone else.

So you will probably never have the satisfaction of him acknowledging any wrongdoing, but ultimately you need to work your way to a point where he means so little to you that you don't really mind what he thinks.

Reply
Alexandra
9/5/2012 06:13:33 am

1st I think you are great for doing all you do!!! Putting up with him you are the greatest. I don't know that i could deal with things as good as you are doing. I am Married and have 4 kids, 3 under the age of 6, (2. 4 and 6) and have a 15 year old teen, but i do it all with a little help from him. ( Little means a little) And work a Full time job. I try to keep up with your blog but only get to catch a little hear and there.

I think you have the right to say what you want, you are the victim. So go on and do what you want. Keep being bitter, and know that it will get better.

And the Website Bitter Production what a great idea!!!

Reply
Alex
9/5/2012 08:26:24 am

Are you sure all of El Capitan's friends are unanimously in his corner or is he just feeding you that? I think plenty of my friends would be pretty damn judgmental of the cheating and leaving no matter how much of a bitch the wife was. We'd take her being a bitch with a grain of salt too.

I also have to say, don't look at each new revelation as a new swipe and hurt. If it weren't for finding out these things, you would have thought you lost the love of a good man and didn't really know why. Now you know that you've lost a complete tool that you just didn't recognize as tool before, and each new revelation is only a confirmation that you haven't lost a great man. My thoughts anyway. Feel better soon!

Reply
A local
9/6/2012 05:26:17 am

I'm with Alex on this. Don't be so sure all his friends agree with him, unless of course his friends are flakes too. If they are, why do you care what they think? Do you take it personal when a dog barks as you walk by? Even if you know the dog, it's a dog. Same with some people. You can't worry what dogs or morons think, you can only avoid them and their moron problems. Look for people in your life who are more like you, not like them.

Reply
JoL
9/7/2012 03:26:09 am

"You can't worry what dogs or morons think"

LOL - this is *WONDERFUL*!!!!

pretty sure I'll be writing it on my mirror so I see it every morning when I wake up and every night when I go to bed

oh - and BRILLIANT magent idea!

Reply
Dani
9/6/2012 02:33:36 pm

Thought I would post something you would like to read. Maybe yoga girl should read it too, maybe she would learn something. That dumbass.

| (I STOLE THIS, BUT IT IS JUST SO WONDERFUL) Females, lets be clear....and REAL....a man isn't cheating with you because you are so good at being the other woman....he's cheating with you because you aren't good enough to be THE woman. I laugh at women that brag about being the "go to" woman when the man gets bored at home, & you try to put down a submissive woman for being who God designed her to be. Learn what submission really means. A submissive woman is far from weak, because a true submissive woman knows how to carry the load for him and her both without him even having to know it. She knows how to speak to his spirit & not his lusts. She knows how to push him to his dreams instead of pulling him to destruction. She knows how to pray with him and not play with him. She knows how to be quiet even when her flesh wants to speak. She knows the value of his hard work & not just his dollar. A submissive woman is his "LIFETIME" but you are just a "GOOD TIME"...and that's all you will ever be. He knows that he can throw a few dollars & material possessions your way & that's all you will ever expect. The other woman makes it easy for a man, the submissive woman makes it easy for herself by making him EARN & not buy her. You are the O.T.H.E.R. woman...an Overplayed Toy He Eventually Releases....#POWPOWPOW

Reply
Melissa
9/10/2012 07:31:27 am

You wrote: "One of his friends warned me that he has two friends who still report to him what people say on my Facebook page - and that everynight he cuts and paste's my Blog so that he can use it in court......"

If you're already divorced, I'm not sure I understand this---how would he use any of this info in court?

But what I really wanted to say is that the others who commented are right. Yoga Girl will be dumped soon enough. He might even coming crawling back to you. You have to be strong when he does---turn him away. YOU can do better!

Reply
Belle
9/27/2012 03:17:09 pm

You poor darling. I don't know you from adam... but just wanted to reach out and give you a massive hug through the screen.
I have been where you are... my ex told everyone I was crazy, insane, that he was planning on having my children removed from me...
Your shit of an ex is doing just the same, playing his sympathy cards whilst having his cake too...
Fuck him. ok? Just fuck all that stuff. Of course you had happy times... so did I ... every relationship does or we wouldn't have been with them in the first place and had babies with them.
But it takes two to make a marriage and when you take one away from the two, then it's quite likely that the other will revert to their old ways because you're not there propping them up any more.

They go from being a nice comfy four legged chair to being a rather broken, falling over chair with three legs.

If he's spying on your FB, shut it down and shut those friends down who would do that.

The other thing is that you WILL climb out of this bucket of despair and anger you are in. You will. Eventually.
And when you do, it will be good.
And finally, when you let all this shite go with a huge letting go type of sigh, and when you stop the anger and use that energy to live your life instead of letting it consume you, life will stop being a drama, because you have made the choice to stop letting drama into your life.

Good luck chick.

Rock on.

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