I'm either far too f**king angry....... I'm actually seething. VERY few people actually know what goes on behind the Wizards Curtain..... very few. I keep allllllllll the dirty laundry locked behind that curtain and I'm *SO* tired of doing it.
I'm so f**king angry that EVERYTHING comes down to me.
Wah....... you were tired of coming home "every night" and having your "life planned out for you" - because you couldn't do the things you wanted to do.... like play more Batman Arkham and basketball?
Really? What *MAN* actually get's to do whatever he wants when he's 33 with two kids and full time job that takes up OVER 50 hours of each week? HUH? What?
You traded in your TWO CHIDLREN for the Playstation...... and you know what - let's *talk* about that Playstation... shall we?
Broke. broke as a m*therf**king joke........ but I had a few Target gift cards that clients had given me.
See, here's something you only know about me *if* you're one of my clients. Not all my clients pay.... and not all my clients pay the same. I have rates - and many of my clients pay the full rate.... and many do not. I haven't raised my rates - EVER. I've been the *same* price for over ten years - and there are families for whom I am photographed their children for those entire ten years.
I consider that an honor.
So, some clients pay less, some pay more.... but - you have *no idea* how many times my clients have SAVED OUR ASS. When The Boy and The Girl needed over $8K in dental work EACH and our benefits max out at $2K - I had a client who did allllllllllll that work and didn't charge us.
DIDN'T CHARGE US. I don't need to raise my rates, because more often than not, when I have *needed* it, my clients have been there for me in ways very few business people enjoy.
I cannot tell you how grateful I have been for that.... for their kindness. Really. It's humbling.
So. I kind of collect and hoard gift cards. Some clients give me Startbucks or Target cards as "thank you's" - and I collect them and keep them for when I really *need* them...... like when I wanted to buy The Boy a Wii for Christmas - I paid for it with gift cards from clients.
Well, THAT was how we got the Playstation. I had gift cards from clients and one from my brother for my birthday and I saved them up and then *I* bought El Capitan the Playstation for Father's Day. I used *MY* gift cards on YOU.... yup, man, your wife was a real c*nt, huh? Honestly, looking back I'm totally unclear on how it was you put up with my sh*t for so long......
How do you like THEM apples? Are you listening Yoga Girl.......? THAT Playstation that the two of you stay up late playing video games on... *I* bought that b*tch. ME. Yet again... you enjoy my sloppy seconds.
So El Capitan - you TRADED in our children's smilling faces and you BETRAYED their trusting hearts..... for what?
Question: HOW many women - and let's be honest here..... HOW MANY WOMEN in their mid-thirties would have been *happy* with the life you could "provide" for us? Buying allllll Wal-Mart brand foods, getting meat from the cheap section, wearing clothes she had to buy at The Goodwill.......
You were THAT f**king fantastic? Really? Not in bed my friend..... THAT I can assure you.
And at this point.... not anywhere else.
What an a** I was.... BECAUSE I WAS HAPPY. I WAS HAPPY. I would have gone without ANYTHING, I would have worked even harder... .because NO - unlike some of your friends have been lead to believe - I DO NOT stay at home allll day - I *WORK*. I put in AT LEAST 40 hours a week working in addition to the kids and homeschool..... BUT. I was happy. Truly happy. And I felt LUCKY that we had you to love us and be such a *good* Dad...... but that's all past tense now.
But me - how STUPID am I? While you regail your friends with tales about what a b*tch I am? WHAT? They have NO IDEA how you were at home.... the kind of ACTUAL SACRAFICES I MADE so that our children wouldn't go without toys and the right clothes and fun trips. ME - not you - ME!!!!! ME!!!!!!!!
The Saturn: I bought and PAID FOR THAT CAR WITH EVERY SENT of my own money. and YOU smashed in the vents and busted the radio last month in a fit of anger.... thanks. I appreciate that.
The MAzda.... again - MY MONEY - BOUGHT AND PAID FOR ONLY BY ME.
The House? THAT WAS MY MONEY for the downpayment...... MY MONEY.
Yes... thanks for paying the mortgage - but seeing as how *I* bought us a house JUST before the market exploded and our actual mortgage was only $200 more a month than our rent in our apartment.... and now your new apartment is $1000 a month.... - I don't really see that as a huge deal, but thanks for paying it all the same.
*ALL***** of El Capitans friends are mad me. They alllllllll think - no, - they KNOW - he's justified in leaving me because..... I "never let him finish a sentence...." and I "mothered him too much" .... and I'm a "bitch". Really? And what is HE now?
WHY WHY WHY. When El Capitan NEVER brought ANY Of this up TO ME during our marriage - any of those days I BEGGED AND BEGGED AND BEGGED for him to talk to me - for him to go to counseling - for US to go to counseling.... HE NEVER TRIED.
What about HIS JOB AS A FATHER?
Do my "sins" as a WIFE really negate his duties as a DAD? REALLY?
HE should have put the children first..... HE should have opened his f**king mouth and SAID SOMETHING instead of unzipping Yoga Girl's pants and dropping his parenting rights into her gspot.
You *ALL* need to grow the f**k up if you think that THAT is acceptable.
So.... he forget's to mention alllllllll the bills I paid - THAT WERE IN HIS NAME. He forgets to mention all the LOVE I showered on him..... how PROUD I was of him - INSPITE of the financial sacrafices that were always being made. HE FORGETS the good times.... the laughter, the fun.
He FORGETS when we were happy because at some point he just .... gave up.
YET.... the kids and I are the ones who pay the price for this. US. not him. US.
One of his friends warned me that he has two friends who still report to him what people say on my Facebook page - and that everynight he cuts and paste's my Blog so that he can use it in court......
Nice, huh? Leave me with the mess..... leave me with the crying kids and the unanswered questions. I do THE BEST I CAN. WE put a sign in the yard - but *I'm* the one who has to answer to the media and the WORLD for that, too......
And let us NOT FORGET El Capitan - I have TWO EMAILS from you where you state that I can write *WHATEVER I WANT* on the blog or in a book and you won't use it against me in court.
So why sneak.....? And by the f**king way..... it's a PUBLIC BLOG - for ADULTS. The children don't read this.... and at least it provides me a place to get my thoughts out..... am I not supposed to have EVEN that much?
The REAL truth is something very few people know..... El Capitan knows the secrets I *still* keep for his benefit... and yet not one ounce of gratitude for it.
Here's the deal though... no matter what I WRITE here.... the kids know the truth. I DO NOT tell them. I DO NOT talk about this adult stuff with them or around them ..... but they know the truth because YOU do it to THEM. You think you're punishing me - but you're NOT... it's THEM you're hurting the most. And it's YOUR relationship with them that hurts the most.
And yes, sometimes when we talk I'm still "mad"..... no sh*t. Dude - you did this FOUR MONTHS AGO. We've only been divorced for TWO MONTHS!!!! Yes.... you say that since then I say "very mean things" to you.... But - YOU DID A VERY MEAN THING. What don't you understand about that?
And I *thought* this would get easier.... I *thought* we could move forward and co-parent.... but I didn't realise *how much* the ongoing stuff was going to hurt... I didn't know how painful it would be for ME when you continue to lie to me and to them......
Instead of our divorce being the end of something... it really just marked the START of me finding out alllll the nasty ugly truth..... If I didn't get sucker punched EVERY SINGLE TIME I get three steps ahead.... then yeah - I probably *would* be moving forward like *I* actually so desperately want to......
So today.... I *want* to go out and enjoy the world and enjoy this last day of my baby being a baby.... but first I have to pull myself up off the floor, clean up my face so The Boy doesn't say ... "Daddy is making Mommy cry again....." - Because THAT IS WHAT HE SAY'S. I tell him, "honey, sometimes people just cry because they did things wrong and things went wrong and .... it's good to cry....." I *TRY*, but he knows the truth.... he knows it becuase YOU MAKE HIM CRY, TOO. YOU. not me. *YOU*.
Get it? Probably not.
I have to find a way out of this.... I have to find a way to get back to the place I was two months ago - before the avalange of truth started taking me out bit by bit... pound by pound of truth in uncovered lies..... each one even more painful than the one before..... *IF* I could get that to stop..... I could heal.
Today, however, I'll fake it.... and try to hold on to this last glimmer of my baby being a baby..... because this *IS* my last baby. You said it had to be that way and I did what a wife is supposed to do when their husband makes a decision: I had my tubes tied. No more babies for me. No more last days of summer before the first day of preschool. NO ONE understands what I sacraficed for you.... ungrateful you.