I can't believe that Halloween was a month ago.... I feel like November never really happened.... a big ole' fat taste of what working full time for me is going to look like.... Hail Mary had to take the kids to THREE 'kid' functions and I ..... I missed out because I was at school. sigh.
The good news was that the kids were going with Hail Mary... and that was fantastic. I knew that they would have fun and she would make them behave as I would. Most importantly, I knew that she would *be* there and be interactive with them - not standing there, head down and phone in her hands.....
I get quite a bit of email... even now, which surprises me. I get email from women who were cheated on, husbands who were cheated on - women who think they might also be gay.... and I get asked a lot of questions and sometimes I get asked for advice. Since coming out I get asked - either in person, or via email or social media - what's the "biggest difference" between being with men or women.
Well... of course, there is the *obvious* ... and, to be honest, if you're 'gay' and not 'bi-sexual', then you're probably going to have a distinct preference in the bedroom.... I certainly do. lol
Having said that.... being with a woman is different in many ways that are - wait for it..... - probably even *more* important than the sexual differences. There is this tendency in the 'straight world' to associate being gay or lesbian with being sexual deviant - all whips and chains and going at it like rabbits all the time..... I'll be honest - the 'all the time' thing might be somewhat close to home.... lololol.... but it's not 'deviant' by any means and.... it's the best time I've ever known physically.
EVEN.... having said that..... after ten years of a marriage that broke beyond repair and 37 years of living outside my own skin ..... circling myself over and over and denying myself.... you would *think* that it would all come down to the sex and it would be a slam dunk winner over anything else.... but it's not.
Not at all.
When I was married to El Capitan and I would sit around and chat with my other married, straight friends, you would often hear someone joke "What did he do?????" if someone said their husband brought them flowers for no reason..... or, the general idea was always present that if your husband *did* bring you some nice little present or flowers or did something nice... that they were putting sex 'dollars' in the bank and eventually - you'd have to put out. Now.... before ya'll go getting all bitter and uppity and shit.... let's just talk in Hollywood stereotypes... there's an idea that men do nice things for women so they can get laid.
Right or wrong.... it's a stereotype very much alive in many marriages.
For me *personally*, I would always feel pressure to put out if El Capitan did something nice for me... thankfully -that wasn't all that often, so I didn't feel pressured all that often. lol Even still, I always resented that a bit - because I would do nice things for El Capitan ALL THE FUCKING TIME.... and I could barely expect that the trash might be taken out in "return".... I certainly wasn't looking for the kind of physical exertion that screwing requires... just the odd handy man job... ok - not even THAT much- most of the time I'd have just settled for the garbage going out.... and usually it just filled up to Homer-Simpson-Style proportions.
But, buy me $6 carnations at Safeway and suddenly I'm supposed to bend myself into a pretzel and make your 13 year old fantasies come true......?
Yeah...that sounds about right.
Guys can jack-off (and usually do at least once a day... gag) - but they'd rather have sex..... toys and lubes and gym socks just aren't the same as having actual intercourse. They NEED us to you know.... 'get the job done right'..... as they say.
So.... shhhhh.... come close. I'm going to let you in on a little lesbian secret.....
Being with a woman means that things are.... All. About. ME.
When Hail Mary brings me flowers.... she brings them home because she wanted to.
Last Thursday I got purple roses because she saw them at Safeway and, knowing that they are my favorite, picked them up.... just because.
Then Saturday when she was coming to my 'graduation' - she had the kids bring me another small bouquet at the end of my ceremony.....
Then Sunday I was tired and just emotionally spent and we had bickered back and forth out of frustration and both of us being totally spent and exhausted.... and she came home with the largest bouquet yet to say, "I love you and tomorrow is a new day."
And that was it..... it was all about me. When Hail Mary does nice things for me - she's doing them... FOR ME. There's nothing attached to it... she's not doing something with the even the smallest hint that I'll put out in return.....
She does things for me because she wants me to feel loved and appreciated and beautiful... may be the rest of the straight world has relationship like that... but I sure as hell never did..... lol
She works 40 hours at her job, then comes home and cooks dinner and gets everyone ready for bed, then makes our bed and get up at 10:30pm to cook me dinner because I'm hungry and too tired to get up and do it myself.... and she fills my car with gas, scrapes the frost off my windshield, texts me in the morning to make sure we get up on time so The Boy isn't late for school...... she does The Boy's homework and nightly reading log with him.... colors pictures, takes the kids to The McDonalds playland and out for ice cream and to the grocery store.....
She does all of that.... and doesn't complain. Instead, she writes me notes on the bathroom mirror thanking me for "allowing" her to be apart of this family..... she doesn't expect me to put out or expect anything from me... she buys me flowers and leaves me love notes because she loves me and is proud of me..... Tired Me. Bitchy Me. Pissy Me. Too tired to get up in the middle of the night with a kid who wants their butt wiped..... ME.
She's not apologizing for anything or hoping to 'gain' anything... she's really just doing it for me.... just like I would do it for her... just like hundreds and millions of wives are out there doing for husbands who don't *see* the value of it.....don't *appreciate* it.
When I was first dating Hail Mary I remember sending her a text that said..... "It sounds crazy - and it's *seems* crazy to me... but is it possible that I'm falling in love with someone who will love me back the way I love them?"
But it's true..... she loves me the way I've seen dozens of women love their husbands who never really notice or understand the depths of that love or the effort that kind of love takes.... THAT'S the biggest difference... and being loved that like- being appreciated like that.... it's better than any sex ... ever.