I do feel bad.... not blogging because a dirty little (not so secret) thing that I get a wee bit ashamed about.... I *do* feel bad when I miss a blog or let it go for a while, but.... man - this is hard.
I thought, for sure, that this would get easier over time.
I thought that when I found love - when I found that someone who would love me and accept me and support me.... and give me that *thing* that I missing for so many years - that 'thing' I didn't even know I was missing - that all of that would add up to emotionally equal wholeness.
Surprise: it doesn't.
This time of year is a bit rough for me because it's my *busy* time of year - where I do all my family shoots. Most of them are friends - some are new clients I've never met.... but over and over and over, all day Saturday and Sunday it's just a parade of happy, nuclear families.
One after the other... holding hands, smiling, laughing, kissing.... crying, fighting, bribing, begging, pleading for onelastsmile.... families. I know that everyone's life isn't perfect. I'm all well aware that my life could such in many more ways that it currently does.... however, it doesn't make it any easier to have a ring-side seat to the parade of people who got their shit right. The array of people I adore who made better choices - and still have their families.... in tact.
It doesn't have anything to do with Hail Mary -but honestly.... I find myself feeling a bit jealous that I didn't make better/different/whatever choices, so that my nuclear family could still be together. I thought, that after some magic amount of time had passed where love came in to fill the gaps in my heart and my head - that that would heal me... and I would be so busy living my new life that I would ?forget? the past.... that I wouldn't miss it.
I wouldn't miss my little blue house.
I wouldn't miss putting up a yard full of blow up guys.
I wouldn't miss putting together our family holiday card and licking 150 stamps to send them out....
but the truth is: I do.
I still miss our family. Do I miss El Capitan? Fuck no. And, I actually mean that with respect, I really do, but I don't miss the presence of someone in my life who thought so little of me - who sought to emotionally destroy me with thoughtlessness and betrayal....
On that note. I know I probably shouldn't be thinking about this... but I can't help it.
I keep seeing El Capitan in my mind - leaning on the white Ikea bookshelf - eyes staring at the hardwood floor so hard that I thought he might just burn a whole in the boards..... I sat on the bench seat, phone in my hand, just asking, quietly pleading for the truth......
Who is this girl?
What does she mean.....?
What does any of this mean......?
And he shrugged his shoulders, he didn't *have* an answer.... she meant 'nothing'. She was 'nothing'. She was a 'flirtation that went too far'.... and nothing more.
18 months later... they're still flirting - so obviously there's a lie somewhere... either he lied then or he's lying to himself now.... it's not for me to know the truth, I guess - and that is a hard pill to swallow.
I think I watched too much TV growing up because I keep waiting to sit down in front of a color screen and watch events in first person and third person and through parted curtains and steamy Mazda 5 windows - to unfold in front of me, piecing together events and feelings and words spoken and promises broken.... just so I could understand.
Even if I could, even if I knew it all... the truth is, I'm not sure I'll never be angry enough, or healed enough to not miss the family I had. Two happy kids, who felt secure and stable.... I would never have traded that for anything, not even for what I have today.
That's the difference between El Capitan and I.
And you know what... fuck it: here's a hard truth for anyone out there who has a parent who cheated: they traded you, they traded your childhood and your security so that they could go live another life - live out some other fantasy or dream. IT didn't have anything to do with your other parent..... what it boils down to is that you have One Parent who stayed with you and raised you and loved you and sacrificed for you.
And then you have Another Parent who traded you for something/someone else.
Sad fact, but true.
Recently, El Capitan talked to The Boy and The Girl about his own parents. In his own words he told the kids that his Dad was a "mean guy" who did and said mean things.... that he was a 'bad guy' - and that is why the kids have never met them and it is why El Capitan doesn't talk to his own parents.
This weighed on the children a lot more than I thought it would.... and I was surprised because recently we found out that El Capitan's parents packed up their shit and moved to the midwest. In doing that, my heart actually broke for El Capitan because his Dad wouldn't give him his Mother's belongings, or his own childhood belongings - baby books, toys, etc..... when I told El Capitan that I found out his parents sold the house and moved - we both knew that all his stuff - all his deceased Mother's stuff - was now gone.....
and that made me really sad.
A final 'fuck you' from parents who did a pretty shitty job raising him.... and then they hold that dysfunction and anger against him.... it makes me sad for El Capitan. It really, really does.
Perhaps that sparked the conversation.... but The Boy came home and said this:
(hand to G*d it's the truth)
The Boy: "Daddy told us about his Dad and how he was a mean guy......"
The Boy: "Yeah.... they haven't talked for a long time and they met me when I was a baby."
Me: "Yes, they did."
The Boy: "Did you know Dad's parents?"
Me: "Well, I never met him Mom, she died before I met your Dad, but I knew his Dad and his Step-Mom."
The Boy: "Was he mean?"
Me: "Well, it's complicated. No, he wasn't a very nice man, and sometimes people say and do things - that are all wrong - but for the most part - your Dad is right, he's not a nice man and he wasn't a good Dad."
and then there was a pause.... I didn't want to say more, and I also wanted to support El Capitan's words, because it's his relationship with is father and I think it's all true.
and then .......
The Boy: "If Dad's Dad was a mean guy and he doesn't talk to him... then why has Dad been mean to us?"
Sometimes I'm really freakin' stupid because,I'll be honest, I DID NOT see that connection being made by The Boy - and clearly neither did El Capitan..... fuck. Smart kid.
I said nothing. I didn't know what to say.... because - just like El Capitan is entitled to his own perspective and feelings on his DAd's behavior.... The Boy has the same entitlements - and currently... while he *loves* his Dad more than he can put into words... he's also just as hurt and just as angry.....
So... do we ever heal? Do we ever round the corner and find inner peace.....?
Or will seasons change and with it, bring familiar pain and loss over and over.....?
I sure as shit hope not.