Three weeks ago my main back-up external hard drive crashed.
Tonight: my laptop crashed.
All forms of modern technology are clearly out to get me: so screw it and screw them. lol
OK.... I'm exhausted and totally *frustrated* about my laptop, so tonight's post will be brief.
1) I am not, in *any* way hoping to hold on to *anything* involving El Capitan. I do not harbor ill-will towards the man, but by that same token, nor do I maintain, stuff-down or other have in any capacity - any kind of romantic feelings for El Capitan.
I am not bitter. I am not angry about the past.
I'm not even angry about Yoga Girl (though I maintain a disdain for her continued sh*te behavior).
2) While I concede 10 years is a long time to be with someone - that doesn't mean there was a division here, and I carried one over. I did not.
3) If you, or anyone else, for that matter - where visibly pissed or crying or whatever.... I would stop and see if you needed help. *THAT* is the kind of person I am. Many people in my shoes could care less what bothers or angers the person who caused them emotional harm.... I get that. I can accept that. *However* - with the exception of the few evil people (Hitler, terrorists, may be Chris Brown... I kid.. I kid...) - any human in any kind of ..... 'distress' is worthy of your attention and willingness to help them.
El Capitan is worthy of my time and my concern for his greater well-being simply because he is HUMAN and the father to my children. That. Is. All. :)
4) Perhaps he was lying to get my attention.... to - as *several* of you so eloquently put it: perhaps he was climbing his cross to assert his victimhood. Perhaps. May be he was just having a sh*tty day and needed someone to talk too.
Am I so without fault - so much better than he... that I can't lend him an ear and some advice?
No. I'm not.
The point of the post is that *WE* all have words.... and words can be sharp like a needle that sews people together.... or sharp like a knife that cuts them apart. My words have been both - at many times in my life.... overall - I try to make sure that the words I use with El Capitan have the ultimate intent of sewing - not cutting... though, I admit, sometimes the honest truth cuts worse than any knife. ;)
I suppose..... and I understand that he's not 'deserving' of being cut any slack.... he did a horrific and bad thing... but just how long does a person pay the price for an emotional crime? It's not illegal and there's no handbook or rulebook for how it works..... but - the longer you hold onto grudges - the longer THEY hold on to YOU.
That's my only point.
Or may be he was lying and his friends said nothing.... well, if that's the case, then may be I just wanted him busted. hahaha
All in all - while my computers seem to be content with having one foot in the grave lately.... *I* am not. I've moved the f*ck on... and done it in style. I wrote The Book and poured every ounce of pain I had onto those pages.... and then I closed that book and left them there.
That's how healing works.
I don't have to forgive anyone.... nor do I think I will, but I do have to be *tolerant* of Yoga Girl - and show her the respect she deserves as the woman in his life who could *potentially* be step-Mommy to my children. I might not want to.... but that's just tough titties for me.
TRUE Tolerance is doing the right thing even when you don't want to... don't have to.... etc.
I have to be *tolerant* of El Capitan - and to me, that means remaining a stable person in his life. I can't be flying off the handle or screaming... "Oh wah... poor baby - did someone say something mean to you? Who f*cking cares.... I don't... you're a dirt bag.....! etc etc etc".....
Because - while I might be "entitled" to say such things after everything we've been through - I can *assure* you that THAT is not how the children are going to have a nice day with their Dad.
Not at all.
THEY are the first priority.
THEY matter more than anger or snarky vengeance.
THEY will demand tolerance because no matter what - they will love their Dad. They may grow up to like him... they may grow up to dislike him - THAT is up to *him* and them.... but as they will always love their Father - they will demand tolerance from me whether they know it or not.
And they will get it.
Hate and anger and bitterness are dark places to be..... and nothing grows in darkness. That's not to say that you don't need to wallow in those places - stay there until you have filled the darkness with every emotion, every ounce of pain and disappointment and regret that you have... I believe that you HAVE to do that - and I most certainly did it.
And most of you were had a ringside seat at the edge of the pool - watching it fill and overflow day after day after day.
Thank you so much for that.
Once I had drained myself of all of it..... I felt a wee bit dead for a while.
Now, I could have chosen to fill myself back up with yet more darkness: revenge, more hate... etc.
But I didn't.
And I won't.
I've spent the last few months working on ME - and me and the kids.
I've spent that time reading and going to the movies and making new friends - and just by doing that.... I am no longer empty or numb. I am loving and fun-loving and ready to tackle life and love with new eyes, a deeper understanding of myself.... and trust.
I *never* thought I would trust any human again.... and yet: I find myself willing to trust.
Willing to try, not out of desperation.... or some insane desire to fill a 'hole' in my life... but out of the excitement of finding someone new and learning about them and developing some kind of relationship with them.... my *EXCITEMENT* for life outweighs the fear now.
That is HUGE.
My excitement for life... outweighs the fear.
Fear of love.
Fear of loss.
Fear of betrayal.
Fear of hurt.
Fear of losing it all.... again.
My excitement for my future faaaaaaar outweighs those things because those things are DARK - and they can be found back in that pool.... and not within me.
That doesn't mean I won't be sensible and cautious and careful, of course I will be.
But it means I'm not going to go into something with someone and drag that bullsh*t with me - because again - that belongs to someone else (El Capitan) and not to a potential future someone.
Any potential future someone should only have to be *who* they are - and not be paying for the sings of a previous someone. That's not fair. That will only led to failure.
I have *not* allowed my decisions and actions to be dictated by those dark emotions.
Moving forward.... I *still* will not.
As such.... if anyone in my life needs to talk it out - hug it out - yell it out: I'm here.
Yes, even if it's El Capitan.
Why? Because I make my choices now out of a stable place of seeing the bigger picture that we are all just human stumbling along and f*cking up in our own unique ways.... but effing things up all the same.
My actions come from a place of whole happiness..... which is an amazing thing.
I'm not perfect.
In many ways I'm still a broken, work in progress, but aren't we all?
Knowing I'm a bit broken means I pay attention to the things I need to - myself, the children, the people in our lives.... and I careful to act in kindness first - regardless of who is standing in front of me.
Yes.... even Yoga Girl.
11 months on...... I can hold a conversation, the most basic of human contact - and walk away having no more attachment to that conversation that the words that have already evaporated as soon as we spoke them. It cost me nothing. It harmed me in no way at all.