All My Ex's Are My Friends..........

02/28/2013

5 Comments

 
Ok.  So this bad boy is gonna' be another short one.
Long week.... sorry kids.

Every night I go to the gym.  Every. Single. F*cking Sweaty Night.
Sigh. lol

When El Capitan has the kids I go to the gym early to get more of a work out in (plus, then I can use the hot tub when I'm done!) - so I meet him outside and then drop the kids off at Kids Club and head back to working out.  The kids came running to the doors and El Capitan walked up carrying their swim bag.

I was immediately informed of allllll things McDonalds and Dollar Store and penny-arcade and swimming in the deep end and and and and....... then they ran off into the Kids Club area to play with all their little friends.  El Capitan hung back to fill me in on what they talked about, what they ate... did they behave:  the usual.

At the end, kind of.... out of an old habit?  I'm not sure...... but El Capitan slung one arm around my back from the side and I responded and we had a bit of a half-hug.  In the moment, I didn't think much about it.... it just:  was.  We said good-bye, I picked up the swim back and headed inside.

I checked the kids into the Kids Club and walked back into the gym where one of the girls who "knows" who I am was standing there waiting to question me.... Why was I hugging El Capitan!?!?!?!?

For a second I was caught off-guard - then I started laughing and said, "Well, once upon a time I used to have sex with him.... why shouldn't I hug him?"

"oooooooh..... Are you guys going to get back together, then?"  she eagerly asked.

"F*kc no."  I replied.... through my guffaws of laughter.
sigh.

I get it.  He hurt me.  BELIEVE. ME.   I got that one.  Loudandf*ckingclear.  I got it.

Can a girl not get over sh*t.......?

This man is the FATHER of my children.
I spent TEN YEARS with him.
Sometimes we laughed.
Sometimes we cried.
Sometimes we fought (I usually won).
Sometimes it was good(ish).
and then it was bad..... very, very, very bad.

And then.... I got the f*ck over it.

See.  It can be done.  I promise.

To be frank, I've maintained friendships with almost all of my ex's.  Why the hell wouldn't I?  I let you into my most inner thoughts - I share my deepest fears and greatest dreams.... they watched me fail and succeed and grow and stumble and become: me.  They were all apart of my journey - my *life*.  To me, if I were to cut them out of my life... I feel like I'm cutting away a part of me.

Or may be I'm just a hoarder.... a collector of old memories?
Perhaps.

Mostly.... I just think it's just of like.... healthy?  Why can't I just be friends - once I'm over the pain or the anger or whatever brought about the end of things.... - can I not just be friends with someone who I once loved and *made* love to?
Of course I can.

Do I want to get back together with El Capitan..... no.  Flat out.  No.

I feel like...... we were on this wee little happy island.
The children were playing and life..... was wonderful.
The sun was shinning and it was great.
Then a whore of a tsunami called Yoga Girl crashed onto our beach and took out the sun.
Wreaked havoc on my life.
Broke my heart.
Took away the sun.....
Took away the love........

So I took the kids and took shelter.
I hunkered down.
I held them.
I held myself.
and we all cried and cried and cried and cried.
and I talked and talked and blogged and talked.
and I read and read and read some more......

Then I cried some more.
A Lot more.

I focused on me.
I focused on the kids.
I focused on small things.
and the sun came back all on it's own.
and soon, happiness followed, without even being asked.

In the distance, I can still see the clouds of Yoga Girl.
but they aren't near me anymore
they don't wreak havoc.
it doesn't hurt me to know they are there......
and the hole that was left behind by those clouds is now full.
Full of two kids who love.
Full of two brothers who love me.
Full of parents who support us all.
Full of friends who stood next to me, behind me... and sometimes:  propped me up.

That hole filled right back up with a sh*t ton of unconditional love.
.... because I LET IT.
.... because I'm not f*cking bitter and broken..... I'm trusting and loving.
we know that.... because that is what my life is full of.

If I want to give my ex-husband a hug.... it's because I'm human.
He's human.
And now we're two humans co-parenting two PERFECT humans.
and we're going to do that NOT in hate.
Not in anger.
Not in fighting.
NOT IN CLOUDS.

But in a hug.
Because I f*cking said so.... lololololol
Because I can.
Because it means nothing more than hugging an old friend with home



 


Comments

dusty
03/01/2013 4:15am

I think the attitude that you have is great. For the sake of your children, you want to be friends with him definitely. With that being said, I have been reading your blog since the beginning and I have noticed something (and probably commented on it before), you seem to place an awful lot of blame on yoga girl alone. How she swept in and took you man, etc. Believe me, I am not condoning her actions whatsoever and I think she's a slut but if El Capitan did not want to be swept away, he wouldn't have been. They were the tsunami together, not just yg.

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Scott
03/01/2013 6:19am

I'm sorry Elle, but this time, I have to disagree with you on this one. Just because you can doesn't mean you should. Done is done. He lost that right to even touch you and you should not condone that. That's why you are "ex's".

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Alex
03/01/2013 9:36am

Oy gevault, Elle, for someone who is as understanding as you are and always tries to be as fair to people as you do, your one blind spot is other people's resilience.

You don't need to prove yourself or your feelings towards El Capitan any further. You're stuck with him anyway and it's better for the kids to have a warm relationship than an acrimonious one, and you've got the resilience to overcome what he's done and you've put it to good use by forgiving him. That's all there is to it. Try to justify or explain it any more and people just think "me thinks the lady doth protest too much".

What you're missing is that both resilience and will power aren't just choice but natural gifts. You are lucky enough to have been born with incredibly high amounts of both. I'm guessing that's why you lived a fearless and varied lifestyle before you married El Capitan. It's a RARE gift, if only more of us were so lucky.

Very few people *could* be over this and have "moved on" in just a year, that's why people have a hard time believing you, and also why you should cut them some slack.

I don't feel like Googling, but studies have shown that resilience and will power are not determined solely by choice. They are like energy, you can exercise to get more of it, but its still finite and depletes. Only respite replenishes it.

Most people couldn't, and wouldn't, put up with El Capitan for very long, kids or no kids because they just plain old would be tapped out. They wouldn't have the energy to save his Simpsons collection.

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Just me
03/03/2013 10:17am

dear Elle...NOW I know why I was lead to find your story and your posts....THIS post did the trick. If you can do "it", so can I. I found a phrase for "it" a few years ago...it's called Radical Forgiveness. Our "usual" concept of forgiveness has to have "something (someone) right, and something(someone) wrong". That concept always creates an impossible dead-end, trying over and over to "forgive" and get past it. But wrong is wrong, right? How can you possibly accept it when it was wrong and caused hurt? But what good use comes of someone having to be wrong, always stuck with their mistakes (the mistake of not being loving and giving love to others) and someone always being affected by that "mistake". Jump to a purpose...a really, really good reason for it all to have to happen. My husband has been" teaching" me this one (38 years and counting), but the only difference is, my husband didn't go as far as yours (supposedly, ha!) but "would have, if he could have done it and gotten away with it" (his words, finally!). But believe me that was plenty because his "not getting enough in his life", his "not being happy", hurt our feelings the same as if he would have taken it "to the actual deed". No woman wants her man to not be happy with his life and his wife. But what that teaches is Soooo much more important than "everything is just fine". The radical forgiveness...."you didn't hurt me, it was only me"..."my happiness comes from loving myself"..."thank you FOR-GIVING me that lesson" ....that's the one we came together for all this time. I am so happy for you, dear girl...YOU GET IT...in your thirties...not your fifties...and your kids get to learn it from you. Now that's a cool story, and it's good to tell. Keep doing what you're doing Elle. You and your ex-husband entered into a partnership, to do exactly what you both have done, to teach a wonderful thing...perhaps even a very vital thing all us humans may be finally ready to learn. Your ex gave you the opportunity to not look for love from him, but always (in all ways) from within you. Then when you're with other people, you are self-sustained, and maybe they are self-sustained...then there's no more to fear...everything is enough.. everyone just gets to be in love. Elle the Teacher. Cool, cool, cool. Love you.

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CEW
03/04/2013 6:50pm

Thank you for your post about this, it brings awareness to the people who are kind of forgotten out there until they are needed. My bf is a fireman/emt (21 years) and he has quite a few of those calls that have affected him deeply, including arriving to the car wreck that killed his best friend. The rest are of strangers, people he never knew, but in those moments, he really wanted to save as if they were his own family or friend & the feeling of great despair when/if he was unable to do what he desperately wanted to do. It's a burden that even I can't explain because I don't live it & they wouldn't even try...

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