Ok. So this bad boy is gonna' be another short one.
Long week.... sorry kids.
Every night I go to the gym. Every. Single. F*cking Sweaty Night.
When El Capitan has the kids I go to the gym early to get more of a work out in (plus, then I can use the hot tub when I'm done!) - so I meet him outside and then drop the kids off at Kids Club and head back to working out. The kids came running to the doors and El Capitan walked up carrying their swim bag.
I was immediately informed of allllll things McDonalds and Dollar Store and penny-arcade and swimming in the deep end and and and and....... then they ran off into the Kids Club area to play with all their little friends. El Capitan hung back to fill me in on what they talked about, what they ate... did they behave: the usual.
At the end, kind of.... out of an old habit? I'm not sure...... but El Capitan slung one arm around my back from the side and I responded and we had a bit of a half-hug. In the moment, I didn't think much about it.... it just: was. We said good-bye, I picked up the swim back and headed inside.
I checked the kids into the Kids Club and walked back into the gym where one of the girls who "knows" who I am was standing there waiting to question me.... Why was I hugging El Capitan!?!?!?!?
For a second I was caught off-guard - then I started laughing and said, "Well, once upon a time I used to have sex with him.... why shouldn't I hug him?"
"oooooooh..... Are you guys going to get back together, then?" she eagerly asked.
"F*kc no." I replied.... through my guffaws of laughter.
I get it. He hurt me. BELIEVE. ME. I got that one. Loudandf*ckingclear. I got it.
Can a girl not get over sh*t.......?
This man is the FATHER of my children.
I spent TEN YEARS with him.
Sometimes we laughed.
Sometimes we cried.
Sometimes we fought (I usually won).
Sometimes it was good(ish).
and then it was bad..... very, very, very bad.
And then.... I got the f*ck over it.
See. It can be done. I promise.
To be frank, I've maintained friendships with almost all of my ex's. Why the hell wouldn't I? I let you into my most inner thoughts - I share my deepest fears and greatest dreams.... they watched me fail and succeed and grow and stumble and become: me. They were all apart of my journey - my *life*. To me, if I were to cut them out of my life... I feel like I'm cutting away a part of me.
Or may be I'm just a hoarder.... a collector of old memories?
Mostly.... I just think it's just of like.... healthy? Why can't I just be friends - once I'm over the pain or the anger or whatever brought about the end of things.... - can I not just be friends with someone who I once loved and *made* love to?
Of course I can.
Do I want to get back together with El Capitan..... no. Flat out. No.
I feel like...... we were on this wee little happy island.
The children were playing and life..... was wonderful.
The sun was shinning and it was great.
Then a whore of a tsunami called Yoga Girl crashed onto our beach and took out the sun.
Wreaked havoc on my life.
Broke my heart.
Took away the sun.....
Took away the love........
So I took the kids and took shelter.
I hunkered down.
I held them.
I held myself.
and we all cried and cried and cried and cried.
and I talked and talked and blogged and talked.
and I read and read and read some more......
Then I cried some more.
A Lot more.
I focused on me.
I focused on the kids.
I focused on small things.
and the sun came back all on it's own.
and soon, happiness followed, without even being asked.
In the distance, I can still see the clouds of Yoga Girl.
but they aren't near me anymore
they don't wreak havoc.
it doesn't hurt me to know they are there......
and the hole that was left behind by those clouds is now full.
Full of two kids who love.
Full of two brothers who love me.
Full of parents who support us all.
Full of friends who stood next to me, behind me... and sometimes: propped me up.
That hole filled right back up with a sh*t ton of unconditional love.
.... because I LET IT.
.... because I'm not f*cking bitter and broken..... I'm trusting and loving.
we know that.... because that is what my life is full of.
If I want to give my ex-husband a hug.... it's because I'm human.
And now we're two humans co-parenting two PERFECT humans.
and we're going to do that NOT in hate.
Not in anger.
Not in fighting.
NOT IN CLOUDS.
But in a hug.
Because I f*cking said so.... lololololol
Because I can.
Because it means nothing more than hugging an old friend with home