Day Three of being completely, totally out..... and somehow: I'm still here.
Still gay..... just in case anyone was wondering.
I should answer a few things for people - Scott wants to know what the "flock is with all the gay stuff"? Well.. I'm a lesbian. Shirley say's she saw the break-up with Carhartt coming... which is odd because Carhartt didn't see it coming - and *I* didn't see it coming.... it just is and it's very sad and heartbreaking for both of us. So much so, I'm not going to write much more about it. No one did anything wrong - Carhartt is a fantastic person... but sometimes love isn't enough.
Shirley also say's the media will have a "field day" with this.... but I'm guessing they won't. I could be wrong - but I truly don't think they give a sh*t.
There's also concern from some of my very favorite readers - Charlie... I'm speaking to you - that I somehow don't like men or that I now "hate" men..... nothing could be further from the truth.
In fact.... it's my distinct *lack* of dislike for men in general that had me thinking (for many years) that I was really just a straight girls obsessed with boobs.... other peoples: not my own. lol
The hardest part about growing up gay in the 1980s was that.... it was the NINETEEN-EIGHTIES!!!!! I had no exposure to anything or anyone "gay"...... also, and PARENTS - please listen to what I'm writing:
I did not *know* I was "gay" as a child..... this is really really REALLY important for you to hear. I knew that I liked girls... I knew that I thought boys were ok - but I never had a keen desire to figure out how *they* had sex... or whatever..... so without any exposure to other people like myself - I had no idea who I was, only that I *IDENTIFIED* as a girl who liked girls.
The word *identify* is crucial here.
As a child NO ONE had to come up to me and like "educate" me on being gay - especially as a very young child - talk about sexual relationships isn't very appropriate.... however, if I had been exposed to a friend have same-sex parents, or seeing some on a popular TV Show or reading about them in a good - in a *positive* light.... then I could have *seen* that and found a social reflection of my own *identity*.
Being a lesbian is less about going down south and *more* about who I am. I have stood in a straight world for a very, very long time .... and never fit in. I always felt different. I always felt separated from them. I admired their marriages and talk about passionate sex.... and then I went home and tried creams and potions to *try* to make sex with a man something that I enjoyed *as much* as other women said they did... but no manner of creams ever did the trick. I assumed I was broken that something was wrong with me.... so I just kept trying......
Ariel doesn't grow land-legs to run on the beach hand in hand with Princess Ericka.... Jasmine doesn't munch on a flying carpet with Alanna..... Janet Jackson and Madonna and Cyndie Lauper sing songs about boys - no one sings songs about falling in love with girls..... (if *only* I knew what "She Bop" ACTUALLY freakin' meant.... lololol).
My entire world was straight.
Like most tweens I just wanted to be liked... I wanted to rock my Debbie Gibson inspired waist high pants rolled up at the ankle complete with giant bangs and more hairspray that the ozone layer cares to remember..... and every movie ends with The Girl getting The Boy ..... so I wanted a Boy, too.
I wanted their attention. I wanted to wear their lettermans jackets to *feel* like I belonged.
I've written about my first kiss.... but the version you read was made slightly rosy...... The truth is that my middle school boyfriend *was* a football player... AND our first kiss *was* rather perfect with me placed a top a yellow striped curb behind the Burger King..... BUT. That first kiss only came AFTER The Middle School
Boyfriend had made out with my Middle School Best Friend in my parents garage on Halloween night.
The Middle School Boyfriend came over dressed as a Zombietypething, I was dressed as Scarlet O'Hara and my Middle School Best Friend was dressed as an 80s rocker chick.... we went out trick or treating as a group and The Middle School Boyfriend kept trying to kiss me in the darker corners of the track - tugging my white gloved hand to spots under tree's or behind driveway pillars.... and I kept saying no.
I didn't want to kiss him.
I didn't want to kiss any boys.
Which was so f*cking confusing.... I wanted their attention. I would lay around on the bedroom floor literally DYYYYYYY.ING for this boy or that boy to call the rose colored phone in my bedroom..... and when they would call: I would float on cloud nine for days....
But kissing..... yuck. No thanks. Nope, not interested.
Not. At. ALL.
At the end of the night I had gone in the house for something and said Middle School Boyfriend and Best Friend made out in the garage where the neighbor girl saw them and told me the next day.....
But I blamed myself... if I had kissed him any of the times he had tried - then he probably wouldn't have wanted to kiss her.... so I didn't tell them that I knew. I kept wearing the jacket to every class, every day - no matter *how* hot it was in the classroom ... I wasn't going to let the weather affect my connection to fitting in... f*ck no.
And the next weekend .... I relented and kissed him.
It was magical.... as far as first kisses go.... and I prefer my rosy view of it - but deep down.... even at the time - I knew that I didn't want to be kissing him. Even from the very, very beginning, intimacy with men would be something I felt I was obligated to do - not something I wanted to do.
It was a very confusing time.... one that would hang on right up 8 months ago: How can I *like* men - and *still* be gay? How could I have desired their attention but not THEM? It makes little sense to 38 year old me *now* -..... and needless to say - 14 year old me didn't bother trying to sort it out. Bring on the string of boys for sweaty-hand holding and awkward kissing and exchanging notes in the hallway and sneaking out at slumber parties for late night walks.....
No one ever told me that it would okay if *I* didn't want to kiss boys.... and they sure as sh*t didn't tell me that I might like kissing girls.... so I just of ... existed that way. I didn't dream about boys or girls.... I didn't understand my own identity, so I didn't know that I *could* dream about girls and the ground wouldn't actually open up swallowing me whole and dragging me down to hell.
Yeah... Church was kind of that for me.
If I saw a girl - usually a boyish looking girl.... and I got "those feelings".... I would literally RUN from the room sure that the boyish girl and everyone in the room could see my inside's lighting up like a freakin' heat map... and then no one would like me: no one would be my friend.
So I held onto those lettermans jackets for as long as I could wrapping myself in the social security of their wool bodies and leather sleeves....
It's a hard thing to explain... people who are gay, for the most part, absolutely get it.... my straight friends kind of do.... and then kind of don't. Someone asked me once why it even matters if I like girls who look like boys anyway - what's the difference.....?
For several decades I tried to tell myself that there wasn't a difference.... I was wrong.
I didn't know it then, and by the time I *knew* it... it took me nearly two decades to accept it.
I was lonely.... so .... so.... lonely. I knew I was different - I felt.... wrong and shameful. I thought that if people found out that I didn't want to be kissing boys - that they would hate me and not hang out with me...I thought my family would disown me because sooooo much work was being put into making sure I was a "good girl" and right or wrong... my family didn't identify strap-ons and making out with girls as "good".
NOT. AT. ALL.
I don't blame anyone... it was a different time, a different place - and to that end, kids *now* have it easier than I did.... and they don't at the same time.
Gay kids *now* have to go to school with kids of parents LIKE ME. Adults who were raised in a somewhat homophobic world.... and I think even thought our KIDS are getting the message ... some of us still aren't. We're talking about fags and queens and whatever.... and our kids are hearing those things and bullying kids at school... or worse yet - your kid *hears* you say "fag" and knows it's a "bad thing".... so they stuff down their own feelings - afraid to be who they are - afraid to be themselves.... afraid to be called a 'fag' by their own parents because kids always want to be good - not bad.
So the message for faaaar too many kids is that you don't want to be 'bad', 'fags' are bad... so don't be a fag.
At least .... that's how I felt. Even without growing up in a family that used those words - there was (I felt) an underlying message that doing anything other than growing up and marrying a man would be bad....
And so began decades of self-hate.... anger at myself for not being able to be "normal".... disappointment with myself when my mind would battle with my instincts.... and my mind would always win - leaving my heart in turmoil.
Turmoil because I *liked* men..... they open your car door and bring you flowers and talk on the phone with you for hours.... they complete you in a middle school social circle.... and I liked ALLLLLL of those things... but I didn't want their hands on me. I didn't dream about boys. I didn't dream about making with them or doing other things with them.... mind you - I didn't dream about girls either - so without understanding myself.... I was just left in turmoil.
I didn't need anyone to show me lesbian porn or some such thing.... but - had I just *seen* a positive portrayal of two women - holding hands, kissing on a sidewalk, raising a family.... being... *normal* - then I would have know that *I* was normal.... and I might have been a very different person.
I didn't need anyone to explain 'sexuality'.... however, I did need someone to validate how I 'identified' - which was as a girl who liked girls and a girl who would later discover that the earth would not open up the first time she made out with a girl.....
Four years ago today I was being prepped for surgery and we were waiting for our beautiful 10 pound baby girl to join us.
She was eager - almost three full weeks early - there was talk about her lungs, but I was pre-eclamptic and going downhill fast, so there wasn't time to wait. My Mom was with me and they wheeled us into the OR - and I was sooooo excited to get to meet my sweet and girl and even *more* excited that it was St. Patty's Day!
My biological father was born and raised in Northern Ireland - so I'm in the only "American" in my Da's family. We've never had a functional relationship... and I refrain from being public about why because he had other children whose lives I don't wish to ruin with the details of the rare kind of dirt bag he's been to me... lol
However.... I'm about as 'black Irish" as it comes. Black hair, pale skin, red cheeks, light eyes.... oh, and I can tell a story like non-other. Clearly.
I was *super* stoked for The Girl to get an Irish birthday.
Today started with a crown (that say's Irish Princess) and a wand!
Which - The Girl - was thrilled about. The Bubbie has always made her birthday dresses - and today was no different... though I think we're rounding the corner to the end of being able to stuff her into baby-doll dresses. lol She looked totally adorable... see picture above. hahahahaha
So the day started with a birthday song and lots of kisses and excited with The Girl telling me that she wanted to go to her "Princess Party......" ... sh*t. No Princess Party planned. lol I had driven around for three hours on Friday to find Disney Princess plates and napkins for her cake and stuff... I was hoping to hell a $1 crown from Target and the right plates would suffice.
We got up and got dressed.... and then we headed for birthday breakfast. When El Capitan and I split up, I wrote up in our Parenting Plan that I get the children on their birthdays - I mean... they were *literally* cut out of my own body... so I kind of felt I got to call dibs on that day. El Capitan agreed.
The run-up to The Girl's birthday I was trying to decide what we should do. He usually see's them on Saturday - and he could just celebrate with them on that day..... but I really felt like we were *past* that. I felt like we were in a space and time where we could celebrate this *family* event *as* a family. I kind of think that that's how it should be. So on Wednesday I asked El Capitan what he thought about the four of us having breakfast for The Girl's birthday. He agreed.
I *cannot* tell you just HOW excited The Girl was when I told her..... there was dead silence for a few seconds - and then she screamed and clapped her hands and jumped up and down... like- for a *while*.
Why the f*ck has it taken us this long to get here.......?
So we arrived and El Capitan was already at a table - and we ordered..... only I didn't notice that El Capitan only ordered a $2.95 side order and no actual breakfast. He said he didn't want me "paying for his food".... sigh. I think that's a silly game and I'm not taking the bait. I invited you to *family* breakfast - clearly I'm paying... get f*cking breakfast: it's not that hard. lol
But we had a *great* time at breakfast. The kids had a blast and it occurred to me that it's been almost a year since we were all together like this... *in fact* - the last time we had dinner out as a family was the Saturday before I found out about Yoga Girl *AND* was THE NIGHT that El Capitan went to her house and had sex with her.
What a "last meal" that sh*t turned out to be... lololololol
Sitting at the table. looking at once *was* and what "should be" ..... and piecing together the timeline - I should have gotten upset or mad.... but honestly: it didn't at all. Not even a little bit. I was more annoyed he would order a freakin' meal. hahaha
I brought up Yoga Girl (again) because now that we are *quickly* rounding the corner to them living together for a *year* AND.... drum roll: Yoga Girl is taking El Capitan home to meet her parents soon..... YES - that is happening. lolol
I pointed out that her family *might* wonder how it's possible that she hasn't met his children.... in fact - that's something I wonder about and something we should change. He still resists. Which is fine - it's his relationship, not mine - and I have to wait for him to think it's the "right time" with Yoga Girl to do it.
I say it's the right time.... the kids want to meet her - it's been a source of hurt and confusion for The Boy - and I think it's holding the three of them back from moving forward as their own unit. I told him that we (the adults) need to sit down and talk about discipline styles, etc - and come to agreements on how situations are handled, etc.
Then, the *THREE* of us need to introduce Yoga Girl to the children. I think it's important for *them* to see me in the same time and space as Yoga Girl - they need to understand that while I don't approve of some choices that have been made - I can *still* support the person and the role of adult/authority she would play in their lives as someone who is in a committed relationship with their Father.
I don't have to like her... I'm not the one f*cking her.... lol
That's El Capitan's job.
I do however, have a responsibility to help lay a foundation for the children to be able to find stable footing in a relationship with her and help them bond with her. If it doesn't work... well, it's not the first relationship that will have failed them and somehow I doubt it'll be the last.... BUT - if we can teach them how to be tolerant, how to be compassionate, how to be understanding that you are *NOT* going to live every f*cking thing about everyone in your life.... but you can to accept some people for who and what they are and find ways to love and befriend them anyway.
That's just how life works.
Even still.... El Capitan isn't a fan of that plan - though he agree's we should introduce her together.... just not yet. That's cool. I just don't want to be the reason things aren't moving forward.
NOW. Let's be *super* clear because people in my own life have given me tons of sh*t about this - "Should she even be around the children......?" - shouldn't I fight to keep her away from them?
In the first place... unless she beats them and sets them on fire - a judge is *not* going to keep here away from my children. Let's be real. And last time I checked she wasn't stoking up on matches, so I think I'm pretty good there.
In the second place.... she's young. Very young. I've said it since the start - people who are young frequently make choices and decisions they shouldn't. She was wrong to f*ck my husband. It does make me qustion the kind of person she is - her moral code... does she even have one? It looks a touch doubtful.... but again - she's young.
She *is* however, in a long term relationship with my children's Father and as such she is now in a role in their lives that *demands* my acceptance and support of her. I DO NOT have to support all her actions. or her past choices.... *but* - I do have to support any positive relationship she wants to have with The Boy and The Girl.
I'm pretty sure *they* want that: the kids.
So. Today, I think, might be the first step in getting that goal accomplished, which I think would be really good for all of us. However.... I *Really* want to point out that we are NOT YET done with 11 months of this hot f*cking mess.... and LOOK AT ME.
I'm all progressive and happy.... baggage free - and facilitating functional relationships between El Capitan and the kids AND.... currently enjoying my own friendship with El Capitan. BooYah. I think this is huge and not something most women who have walked in my shoes can pull off.... I'm pretty proud of myself.
My Aunt called the other day - some newsy thing did an online story on the top ten worst exes.... I was listed as number two. Sigh. Really? Honestly.... any man would be *lucky* to have an ex-wife as freakin' NICE as I have been.... yes - *I* made a funny sign that *WE* decided to use..... but it ended there. Or... here... or in a Book - that HE has had approval over the content.
See.... NICE. That's me. :)
So Happy St. Patty's Day.... and HAPPY UNITED FAMILY BIRTHDAY for our Girl... she's the greatest. :)
For the record... YES, you are reading that correctly: I did 17.5 miles today on the bike... woofreakinghoo.
Honestly, I was *kind of* expecting a ticker-tape parade when I was done... but sadly, there was none. lololol
I've been working pretty hard at this.... I'd would nearly the 50 pound mark and doing it *without* potions or pills or shakes or meal replacement... well: that's kind of a big damn deal. At least in my world it is. :)
I have a friend - Miss Erin (and we'll all be hearing more from here very soon here) who is challenging me and driving my workouts from afar. She dropped the hammer on 11 miles yesterday: so I went 13. She responded with a "goal" of 17 miles.... so I went back today and nailed 17.5. (Yes, I know I've written that twice now... hahahahha).
I *think* I might get a better workout on a treadmill......? But, I'm afraid to push things too far and irritate my knee... after all this hard work, all I need is an 'injury' as an excuse not to come back and then fall behind on all my progress. It's always seems to work that way... you know?
Anyhow. I have a specific bike that I like. The first bike in the row is *really* hard to push on an 8. The second bike in the row I can do 10 miles at a 10 in a solid 38 minutes. The third bike is a bit loosy-goosy and I feel like it's getting away from me even at an 11..... so - long, boring detailed story short: the second bike is *my* bike. :)
Yesterday the gym was *packed* and I had to wait for a bike to come open. There was also an older lady with a gym membership person waiting for a bike.... and when the first one came open I already had the paper towel and sanitizer for the woman to use (I had instinctively grabbed it before noticing there weren't any bikes open.. sigh). Then I went back and got more for when the next bike opened up for me.
The guy who got off the first bike had a laugh that I cleaned up his sweaty bike for him.. .we had that 'nod' and he walked down to the weights.
Today - I arrive *early* determined to get in my hour plus that I know I'm going to need to try to hit 17 miles - and thankfully *my* bike is open and next to it is the sweaty gym guy from the day before. I sit down and he gives me the nod... and me - clearly knowing *no* boundaries in the gym - say hello and we chat for a second.
I am *not* gym cool... lololol
He has his headphones on and I, of course, am watching New Moon while drinking from my Team Edward New Moon water bottle.... oh yeah: that's how sad I am :)
And suddenly this giant brick wall of a man comes up on my other side - he's nice, I've seen him around and I asked him a question about the treadmill the week before - and he offers me a card with a number on it. We chat for a few seconds and he heads downstairs as well. I tuck the card into my Kindle holder and look up to see Gym Guy, headphones out, and staring at me .....
"Did he just give you his phone number.......?" He asks.
"Oh, gawd no... lolol - can't you see all the other girls here - I doubt *that* man thinks I'm *his* type".... I reply.
"Umm... ok - I don't see why not.. but then what did he give you?" He asks again.
"oh, he offered to help me with some personal training stuff...." I explain.
Gym Guy doesn't seem sold on this - and we end up chatting for a while after that.... nothing like getting all red faced, sweaty and out of breath while *not* lying under a man, but instead sitting awkwardly next to him struggling to hit that 17th mile....
Did I already say how *uncool* I am at the gym?
Do people really do that....? Pick people up at the gym? I mean - isn't there some kind of 'unspoken' rule about not 'flirting' or trying to pick people up while they are working out? I should think there is... And I'm 1000000000% certain that the brick wall man really was just offering to help me. I think that's one thing I've learned about going to the gym - once people see you has a 'regular' - someone they see every day - they are nice and offer to help you... which is really, really nice. :)
I picked up the kids and we were heading home. Lately, I've been trying to talk to The Boy about going to "real school". I've been looking into some private school options - I figure if I'm willing to stick it out at home for the long hall, and I work full time - then I can afford to put them both through private school. BUT - this is something I have to warm the boy up to.....
Out of the blue in the back seat I hear a sniffling.....
"Mom.... Please don't make me go to 'real school' because the same thing is going to happen again...." The Boy cries.
"What same thing?" I ask.
"The bullies will hunt me and kick me and beat me up and call me nerd.... Like last time."......." He states.
For a second I wonder - is this an active imagination? I know he had trouble at school... but - perhaps he's just remembering it to be worse than it was? "Honey, when did you have that happen..?." I ask him.
"At Barnes mom - Austin. Every school has an Austin mom - I just know it". The Boy continues to cry.
Ah... yes: Austin.
My first introduction to Austin was when The Boy - age 5 - tells me that he and his "new friend" at school play "penis tag". I just about threw up in my own mouth... but I held it together. I asked him for details, which he didn't really provide... so I dressed him for school and called the Principal on my way in. They called in a counselor and had a meeting with him and with this kid.
Turned out that 'penis tag' involved Austin chasing down The Boy and punching him in the nuts.
Nothing happened to Austin, The Boy came home pretty much traumatized from the whole ordeal and I asked that in the future - the two boys be kept apart during recess. But... it's public school: 185 Kindergarteners - and only 9 teachers on the play ground... so then this happened:
"Today Austin grabbed my face and breathed chocolate milk breath into my mouth."
"Today Austin chased me down and punched me in the stomach."
"Austin held me against the wall and kicked me in the ankle."
"Austin pushed me down in the puddle at the slide today....."
and on it went.
In the end, after The Boy was in tears every day on the way to school - we pulled him out in March and started homeschooling him. In the two years since then, he's loved homeschooling and he's *very* social... but I worry as time goes on - as a single Mom - that both the children will need *more* that just me in their lives...
So, I'm driving and thinking about how to respond, and as I'm saying to The Boy - "Anywhere you go in life, you're going to meet people you don't like, or who you feel are going to bull you - but you just have to......."
and The Boy cuts in with this fanf*ckingtastic gem: "You know what Mom... this is happening because Dad was selfish. He chose his girlfriend over me and now we don't have a house and I don't have a room and everything had to change..... and now I have to go to school and get bullied. And that makes me angry, Mom."
Hmm... well, isn't that just rather craptastically true......? sigh.
I let the car go silent for a second.. because I want to say the right thing. He's so clear in his conviction of his father - and the truth is, where it not for our current circumstances - I would never consider anything but homeschooling him... so I'm *really* trying to find an honest argument to what he said.
In the end, while The Boy continues to cry silent little tears while looking out the window, I finally said this: "I'm not sure if that's totally true or not... we might have sent you to 'real school' one day - I honestly don't know. and, yes, you are right, things changed because Daddy made a bad decision - BUT - sometimes things in life happen that we don't like, and we have to just keep going..... we have to make the best of things because we don't have any other choice."
More silence.... then I realized that I was missing the most important part: "Actually buddy, you *do* have a choice - you can either lay down and be sad and cry and feel angry about what happened or why it happened or who you think made it happen... - which is kind of sucky way to live... - OR - you can accept things *even* if you don't like them - and just make the best of it - you have the choice to make it better... and you're really good at making things better."
I turned around to face him at the light, The Boy sniffled loud, glaring at me through his glasses with a look that I *thought* said "I call bullshit on that, Mom...." but *instead* The Boy said, "Yeah... but that's not very fair to me Mom - that's not right..... "
"I know pal... I know....." I started to say.
"But... you know - I guess that's kind of what happened to you.... so I guess I'll just have to do it, too". he stated.
Wow.... I almost couldn't drive when the light turned green. How does he put so much together?!?! How does he draw so many of the dots together to make such a clear picture of what's happening to us? You think you can shield them from everything - certain conversations, fighting, etc.... but, I'll tell you what: nothing takes the wind out of your 17.5 mile sails like a dose of reality from your 8 year old.
Oh... an in spite of voluntary promises to the contrary... Coffee Guy never called. I think I can safely assume that he *won't* call as it is no longer the 1990's and I'm pretty sure (or at least *very* hopeful) that people are no longer subscribing to the whole "The Rules" thing and waited three days.... plus: it's been four. hahaha
He was a nice guy, very sweet, great listener... but I think in the end, there were just too many crossed wires - I mean.. c'mon - I accidentally professed my 'undying love' for a virtual stranger (even if I *did* think I was writing the person it was *really* meant for.. my BFF) - and I think that that would creep anyone out. lololol
Lesson learned.... well played cyber karma... well played. hahaha
Onward and upward..... :)
This morning fell apart and I left my laptop at home for a meeting... so I had to scratch the gym, then go to my meeting, *then* go the gym. However, the kids club is closed by 12noon, so the kids stayed home with The Bubbie and I went in later than I usually do.
Walking into the front doors my phone is going crazy..... a client is IMing me on facebook, my publisher was calling from the UK to set up an interview (super exciting!), my email was going crazy and I'm trying to check in to the gym and so I sit down on the leather seat in the lobby to finish my call and in walks......
And, I have a teeny-weeny confession to make... one, which will no doubt reign the slight annoyance of many of you upon me......
A few years I set up a membership at a gym - and at the time, they had a kids club special, which was only $10 per kid per month - AND - you get two hours a time and you can go twice a day if you want. That is an AMAZING deal... they don't even offer it anymore.
So, years went by - and I went off and on... and when I didn't go, I considered it my "fat tax". Money I couldn't otherwise spend on food or trinkets or going out... a constant reminder that I *should* be making the most of it and going to the damn gym.
A few years ago I added El Capitan to my membership plan. Now.... the answer to the question you're alllll wondering is: no, I did not cancel his membership.
Even when I KNEW he was lying and telling me that he *needed* the membership because he was "showering" there because he was "homeless" even though he was living with Yoga Girl: He asked me not to cancel it, and I did not.
Even when our divorce was final, our assets were separated: I did not cancel his membership.
There are *many* hills I have had to climb - and few I've had to "die on" so-to-speak - during this divorce process.... a gym membership was the least of my concerns and not something I was willing to throw down about. Let me explain.
Right or wrong... it seems petty to me - to cancel El Capitan gym membership. It's $29 a month. $29 bucks that say's - "I'm not a b*tch - and I'm showing you a kindness..."
It doesn't make me a saint... it doesn't make me the 'bigger person': it's simply a kindness.
Sure, one could argue, that El Capitan doesn't deserve my kindness - and the Ex-Wife in me might completely agree with this... but My Kid's Mother thinks is $29 and cancelling it would be petty... and I didn't want to be petty.
So, he still has the same gym membership attached to mine and I pay for it.
At least for now.
So there I was, on the phone to London, in my gym clothes (looking *awesome*) - and El Capitan walks in and plops down on the chair next to me. He waits for me to get off the phone and I fill him in on the interview - and he's genuinely excited for me.... he hopes The Book is doing well.
The conversation between us is easy.... free from anger - free from the usual suspicions that have haunted many of our recent conversations.... we're laughing - I'm cracking a few jokes about Yoga Girl, he's letting a few laughs slip, he tells me about some *crazy* ex-wife videos he watched on YouTube, we talked about The Boy's birthday: what to buy? What about a birthday party?
If you were sitting across from us: you would think it was two old friends chatting.
Not two exes who have made National news because El Capitan's a cheater..... not two people, one of whom was screaming at the other only three days ago - and who struggle at times to get along.
It was...... normal.
Now, the good news is that.... while I *enjoyed* talking to him - sorting out a few things - it didn't make me miss him. It didn't make me sad.... instead of making me think - "why did he leave?" blah blah blah..... I left our conversation thinking ... sweet: forward progress.
At this point... I'll take any freakin' progress I can get, honestly.
I went on my way, turned on Breaking Dawn and started my ten mile bike ride.... and after I thought about it, I realized that I still fell *whole*. I didn't feel sad or angry or bitter.... or ..... anything at all.
And *that* - the absence of pain, the absence of feeling a great loss and sadness: that made me happy.
I sat there watching Breaking Dawn and I started thinking about a facebook chat with a friend from last night and they asked me, "Are you ready to meet your "Edward"?
At the time, I didn't really have an answer.
At first it really caught me off guard because lots of people talk to me - talk around me - sh*t... talk *about* me - but not that many ask about me. (Alex... you're clearly not in that group. :)
The last ten months were hard. I didn't see it coming, didn't even think I should be worried about such a thing - and then suddenly I was faced with dealing with the betrayal of it all.
Really... it was the betrayal that hurt the most - the lying.... and - El Capitan went OUT OF HIS WAY to continue to lie and be hurtful welll after I field for divorce. Part of "healing" has been coming to terms with the fact that this person who was supposed to love me and protect me was doing the EXACT opposite.
It was really hard to understand that. Hard to accept JUST that - regardless of who had done it to me.
Then I had to realize and come to terms with the fact that El Capitan wasn't the man he was supposed to be... and so, I kind of had to grieve that loss. I had to grieve the loss of the husband I *thought * I had, but never had.... which is complicated, but necessary.
I am .... a lot of things, but mostly I'm loyal, honest, true, I'm a good friend - and I'm the kind of friend who can go through hard times with someone - who can forgive a friend if they done or said something that wasn't kind or was a wrong.... I'm the kind of person who *believes* in people - and while I *do* have a bit of a "hard candy shell" (especially with media people) - I'm very easy going - and I *always* try to do the right thing. Period.
El Capitan knows all that about me ... and did what he did anyway - that was hard to try to understand and accept.
Today, sitting in the gym lobby, I realized that all of the emotions tied up with the above issue's were.... gone. I got up and walked tot he locker room *not* in a cloud, but laughing at something funny El Capitan had said and then went on to the bike. Simple. Nice. Normal.
So then I started thinking about the question from the night before.... I don't know if it's a question about "being ready" for anything... instead, I think that (and most importantly) I'm *excited* about the possibilities of meeting people who *will* see and value the things about me that El Capitan did not.
I've come to accept the reality that my marriage was *not* full... and at many points, it was not happy, which is really, really hard for me to admit. And even though I was always trying to *make* it happy -the truth is that that didn't actually mean *I* was happy.
Talk about a *serious* realization.
Am I "ready" for my potential Edward? Well.. in the first place I'm not all that sure there's an "Edward" that's interested.... BUT, regardless of that: I'm ready to be happy.
I'm ready to get to know people and start enjoying my life again - and at some point - the person who *will* protect me at all costs - the person who *will* value me and love me, the person who is *meant* to spend their time laughing and enjoying the children *with* me, ...... they will find me... and who the hell isn't ready for that? hahahah
And.... you know what - *if* I had cancelled El Capitan's gym membership... it might not have happened. If I had been petty - just because I could - after all, *why* should I pay for someone who cheated on me to work out and get buffer for Yoga Girl and a million other reasons *why* I would have been justified in cancelling his membership..... if I had done that - I *might* have missed out on the healing that today's conversation brought me. What a loss that would have been for me.... certainly a bigger loss than the potential "thrill" of cutting of his gym membership would have possibly (but not likely) brought me.
So today.... we're going to call it a Win for Kindness.
Sometimes.... just a little bit of kindness - even if undeserved - goes a long way.
Today's a weird day for me..... I had waited *alllll* week for something, anything - ANYONE to take over this media bonanza and make it their own..... so I was thrilled (for about 1.5 milliseconds) this morning when I noticed our traffic had slowed... then I saw *WHY* and suddenly I was wishing it was just my stupid sign there on the Yahoo feed .. frankly, sometimes "no-news is good Gnu's
"..... (big ups to anyone who knows what THAT is from......)
OK...I *totally* know I was going to post about how El Capitan and I came to be... and while I'm just SURE there are hundreds of you on the edge of your seats (not) - instead I have a song running through my head and so I'm going to share my "post being dumped for a 22 year old break up mix tape". (which, if you get the bottom is totally relevant to today's horrific events. :(
When I was moving through the loss of my marriage - the loss of my best friend - the Edward to my Bella.... I listened over and over and over to "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri
. It really seemed to squeeze out every single last tear I had over a few weeks....
Then when I was ready to move on a bit it was "Somebody That I Used to Know" by Gotye
... which helped me be bittersweet about the loss, but also start carving out the idea that I should move on from someone who appeared to have so little regard for me.... and when your self esteem is currently housed in the pants of a 22 year old - trust me, having a song remind you that you're better than that is a good thing. lol
As I moved into a "healing" phase... which is *always* where I was trying to be but I would see him and it break my heart all over again... or I would find old photos or birthday cards El Capitan would write for me... and I'd be right back to my Christina Perri phase all over...
But when my heart and my mind were ready to surface and move forward together, I forged ahead a new road for myself and my theme song became, "One Day
" by Mastisyahu
.... I would play it when I was feeling sad or angry or bitter - I would listen and listen until its words pumped through my veins a'la (a much larger framed) Ally McBeal style. A mantra for how to acknowledge my pain but still move past it find my gratitude.
Today, of all days, this song seems all too relevant:ONE DAY - by Matisyahu
sometimes I lay
under the moon
and thank God I'm breathing
then I pray
don't take me sooncause I am here for a reason
sometimes in my tears I drown
but I never let it get me down
so when negativity surrounds
I know some day it'll all turn around
because all my life I've been waiting for
I've been praying for
for the people to say
that we don't wanna fight no more
there'll be no more wars
and our children will play
it's not about
win or lose causewe all lose
when they feed on the souls of the innocent
blood drenched pavement
keep on moving though the waters stay raging
in this maze you can
lose your way (your way)it might drive you crazy but don't let it faze you
no way (no way)
sometimes in my tears I drown
but I never let it get me down
so when negativity surrounds
I know some day it'll all turn
because all my life I've been waiting for
I've been praying
for the people to say
that we don't wanna fight no more
there'll be no more wars
and our children will play
one day one day this all
treat people the same
stop with the violence
down with the hate
one day we'll all be free
and proud to be
under the same
singing songs of freedom like
one day x4
all my life I've been
I've been praying for
for the people to say
that we don't
wanna fight no more
there'll be no more wars
and our children will
I just keep feeling haunted by the line "..... cause we all lose/when they feed on the souls of the innocent/blood drenched pavement
".... it seems tragically fitting.
I read a quote from one of the rescue workers talking about the people left in the theater and how different cell phones kept ringing and ringing... but obviously, the owner wasn't going to answer. How awful for the people there to bear witness to such an act of senseless violence and to the pain of knowing that someone else right then was trying to call their loved one to find out if they were .... alive.
After events like 911, Columbine and now this .... I always feel like I don't know how to smile, as if my happiness flies in the face of those tragic deaths and how *wrong* it feels to be joyful or happy when you know someone else is suffering so much.... but the truth is - whether it's a tragedy we suffer first hand, or we are just bystanders watching misery and grief overwhelm an entire town or Nation - I feel compelled to be GRATEFUL. I feel OBLIGATED to celebrate my own life.... to find JOY in my own personal misery because if I don't - then how do I DESERVE to be here when those INNOCENT people are no longer.....? No doubt they would trade places with me in a heartbeat - fat ass, cheating husband, media bonanza and all. Which is incredibly humbling in my opinion.
So tonight my thoughts and prayers are with a nation mourning for the loss of the innocent... and they are also with the "James Holmes" of the world who might be planning such a tragedy of their own and I just hope they can get help or someone around them can stop them before they do something like this..... ********* PLEASE KNOW: that in NO WAY do I think having your husband hook up with a yoga chic compares IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM with this kind of tragedy. IT DOES NOT. However, all day today I've had the same kind of feelings I had after 911 - the sort of "deer in the headlights of a National Tragedy" feeling where I'm just not sure HOW I'm supposed to feel.... I hope that's clear in the post.
You can listen/BUY
Wow. First and foremost... WOW.
I'm so totally stunned by how kind everyone has been. I have to admit, even with my sense of humor, the first few days of alllllllll the comments about how any man would leave "Shamu the whale" was starting to get pretty old..... do these men not know they would drive me yet MORE donuts?!?! (kidding... they didn't. lol)
So, a day of posts that were *mostly* super awesome was.... just pure amazing.
I'm struck and humbled by your honesty and, really, you only have to look over the 700 heart-felt posts to see a collective of stories that is truly the backbone of being a Mother in today's world. All these women faced so many different, awful, horrible circumstances and regardless of their size, color or age they are tied together by a bond of shared pain and the ultimate desire to move the eff on. (Can I say that here.....? Too soon? lol)
I just want to say thank you..... I really wanted to respond to every single post, because I actually did read every last one (even the crappy "you're a fatty" ones... lol) - but there just isn't enough time in the day right now. :(
El Capitan and I aren't sure what to make of this media storm - I feel a bit like Dorothy and the wicked witch (also know by some posters as Yoga Witch) spun this house up good and now it's being tossed around this Media Tornado and we're just not sure where it's going to land.... guess we'll have to wait and see.
Tonight, the Media Tornado took me to the satellite doorstep of Dr. Drew. DR. FREAKIN DREW!!!! Can you believe that?!?!?! When I was a kid we used to spend summers at my Grandma's and I was a TOTAL Love Line listener! Dr. Drew... oh many night I lay awake listening to you and Adam Corolla.... tonight, I did NOT do enough listening and did faaaaar too much giggling..... haha.
I do worry that people will think that I find the affair or the divorce funny". Rest assured, I find El Capitan's affair about as humorous as mouth herpes (which thankfully I don't have) and the divorce felt like some ripped out my insides through my ears..... but, I do kind of find this whole Media Tornado funny. Why the hell does anyone care what I think? (and crowds of overweight men sitting in their tighty-whitey's nod in unison while they wipe off their orange Doritos fingers onto their Mother's couch.) Even still.... it feels oddly good to share.....
Believe me when I tell you that I put a sign in my yard to SELL MY HOUSE. The magnets were something my Mom insisted on for her friends (so she could mail them out) and then my friends wanted some... and then a few friends insisted that at least I put up the magnets just for fun.. I wondered if people wouldn't feel betrayed somehow? Mind you... I'm about as smart as a box of rocks if I hatched a plan to pay off my house with magnets that are $5.00 each. lol.... Still, some people accuse me of that and that just is NOT the case.
It's really important to me, after so many people have trusted me with their inner most hours of emotional pain that people don't think I would trade that for $5.00. Anyone who actually *knows* me, knows that I'm really crap at getting "paid". In my own business I do TONS of work for free or for heavy discounts because of different clients circumstances.... but my clients are RAD. All of them, they do amazing things for me and what they bring to my life is often faaaar more valuable than money. :) (and then a few of them are pains in the ass,... but they know who they are! hahahahaha)
Those same friends are insisting I write a blog....
So, share I shall!!!! At least until no one is visiting this blog anymore... All the judgment that happens over my marriage and my life and my choices and my parenting!?!?! I feel like it would be good to get the whole story out there.... so tomorrow I will start at the beginning..... see you there! You can read about how El Capitan barfed all over himself and yet it was still the most romantic night of my life and I kissed him anyway... barf breath and all...... (or not... because you might have gone back to reading about Tom and Katie - lol)
Thanks for reading. :)
Cannot say enough how shocked I am by allllll the media attention. No doubt we've got to be on minute.... 8 or 9 of my solid "15 minutes" of fame - and I'm fully expecting this rocket to go ass up, t*ts down and hit rock bottom soon.... but until then, some friends thought I should make my own voice heard while people are asking... Mind you - I'm still wondering why anyone care what I have to say to start with... but here goes.
We - the Ex and I, we're going to call him.... El Capitan - why? Simply because he was my "rock" and frankly... he's been a bit rough to get over. lol So, El Capitan and I aren't too unlike *most* people we know - working crazy hours trying to make enough money to make ends meet and maybejustmaybe start getting ahead.... but alas, in our attempt to get ahead we got "apart" instead... though I truly never saw this coming. (of course having someone else climb on the El Capitan didn't help matters... but perhaps another blog post on that later..... hahaha)
So, just to be clear AGAIN. We are divorced. He cheated, she's 22 and does, indeed, love yoga (and married men with kids.... just sayin'). Faced with separating our assets... lol... as if we actually *have* assets. bwahahaha - sure, I think we all know I poses amble "ass"ests.... however, in terms of financial things that courts care about we didn't have much and we decided to sell the house.
My Mom and I am spent a month and a half cleaning and packing and moving our stuff out of the house.
El Capitan doesn't yet have a "fixed" address so *I*
rented a storage unit and moved his stuff there.... - so, yeah I guess all those internet posts are right - I did "clean him out" - only, I advance paid for the storage rental and gave him the lock and the key. Clearly, I really need to work on my master plans of "revenge" and being a "b*tch" ex-wife who "cleaned him out". lol.... I appear to really suck at those things.
For my business www.totallyradcards.com
- I make cards and stuff - allll day long. When it came to selling the house, having me make the For Sale By Owner Signs - seemed like a no-brainer. My Mom came up with a nastier sign and I made it a little more "pg" and I approached El Capitan about using the signs and he thought it was a hilarious idea and we both thought it would get the house exposure. NEITHER of us thought it would be about exposure of both of us... NEITHER of us would use this dark time in our family to "dupe" people or lie to them just to sell our house....
So now here are.... the phone rings and rings and rings - and I, being a simple artist without training in public
speaking or how on earth I'm supposed to answer questions about the *most painful* time of my life.... I think I trip over my words alot.... but, first and foremost, I want to be clear that cheating is *the worst* thing someone can do in a marriage. :( The affects have been emotionally catastrophic and painful beyond words... finding out about her was the very darkest hours of my life thus far...
However, I noticed that the days I cried and cried... so did the kids - over toys and tv time and whatever. Days that I was angry - so were they: fighting with each other toys and getting frustrated over little things far too
quickly. Then... on days when I dug deep and found the strength to paint a smile on my face - the kids were smiling, too. Even if I had to fake it in the beginning, they didn't seem to know the difference and so like a perfect little circle... the more I smiled, the more joy and happiness they found - which brought me around to finding my own laughter and joy and happiness.
That's the thing. I lost my husband - and yes... I'm well aware that the size of my Lane Bryant capri pants *seems* to be a reasonable reason for this according to some online folks.... but I can assure you: as a wife, a woman and a mother I am defined by who *I* am - not my size. :) just sayin'...... :) I didn't lose myself, my kids or my sense of humor.... she took my husband - but she's not takin' *me*, and she's not taking the joy I have as a mother and the gratitude I have for my life. THAT is mine... alll mine - and only *I* have the power not to giveit up to them and their decision.
So, that's me and my first blog... and all two or three "readers" that this will actually get.... but it's nice to know someone is listening. Feel free to comment.... more posts to come later if people want them.