Life is getting a little bit busier, leading up the book signing.... are *you* coming? lol
I'm pretty stoked about it - I'm not sure how many people are going to be there, in fact... I worry that it'll just be me, my family and a few friends... but after having my fat ass strewn across the internet for people to prey upon.... it certainly won't be the most embarrassing thing that's happened to me this year. lololol
I have a TV interview on Tuesday morning - and I was talking to the Producer on Friday afternoon and she saying that she really liked The Blog. She said she reads a lot of blogs, and mine sticks out in her mind - so much so, she's been coming back to read more outside work. (hi there!) I was kind of excited to hear that.... it's hard to know where I stand. I can see my progress (from the first blog post) - and I'm proud of that, but I still don't really feel like a 'blogger' - so it's hard to know how I'm doing compared to others. I'm looking forward to doing their show on Tuesday - it's really humbling that they asked.
On that note..... I can't remember who I was talking to the other day, but they said something like, "Oh well, this has all worked out so well for you! You must be loving all this attention and the media and The Book?"I am very proud of The Book.... but, I would trade it all in and go back to February 1st of last year and put a stop to all of this if I could.... if for no other reason: for my children.
Mind you.... now that's I'm here, I suppose it's not a crime to enjoy just a *tiny* bit of this vodka I've been making... right? lolololol
So, Friday I was busy with working with producers and whatnot. (kind of fun to say that!) - and then we had to go to the gym... even though I was tired and didn't want to. Then I took the kids to Red Robin where shakes and smoothies and birthday Sundae's were had by allll!!!!!!!1.... except for me - no need to have to go *another* 5 miles at the gym.
The Boy was super excited about it being his birthday weekend - it's odd that he's keenly aware of his own aging. He said to me, "Mom... you know, I miss being a baby.... you held me all the time and I didn't have to share or go to school and stuff."
He cracks me up.
Saturday was supposed to be "my" day with the children, because I get their birthdays in our parenting plan. I felt like, since *I* was the one who actually birthed them... then I get to spend that day with them. So... I *could* have kept them ... kept The Boy - all to myself..... but I knew that in his heart, he would want to see his Dad on his birthday, too.
However, he also wanted to "go somewhere special".... so I arranged for El Capitan to come and take them for breakfast - and I went to the gym (and did 15 miles... thank you very much... on the bike that is) - and then I headed off to The Oregon Coast.
We had a great time going to Ecola State Park - and taking the 3 mile hike to the beach. It was very lush and muddy and The Boy spent a good bit of time teaching me a few things he learned in Cub Scouts... how cute is that? Oh... and he read me the sign about Cougars in the area - and he kept calling them Kruegers.... as in Freddy Kreuger. That had me almost p*ssing my pants.
We'd be walking along and he'd say...."Remember to watch for Kreugers Mom........"
Then we drove to Cannon Beach and the kids played in the sand.... which is really crazy because we drove through snow and ice to get there - but once we were there it was nearly 50 and both my kids wanted to put on suits and get in the water.... Oregon weather is crazy.
So we dug in the sand and took a few pictures and the sun was shining..... we were: living.
It was kind of amazing, if I'm being honest... and you can see the picture proof above! lolol
Then we braved the drive home through the icey roads just in time for birthday dinner with family - and the highlight of the night was the candles on The Boy's cake that kept re-lighting themselves over and over every time he blew them out. He was out of his mind about that..... The Girl thought it was the funniest thing she'd ever seen.
It was a really great night..... which, kind of surprised me. It wasn't until Sunday that I thought about how it had been a 'first' and it slipped right past me.... the "First" birthday as a divorced family.
I was glad... and a little bit proud - that it hadn't occurred to me until the next day..... I think that that means that I'm getting *past* this finally..... right?
It wasn't until the moment passed that I noticed how important it was.... I just faced it, made the right choice (about sharing the day) - and planned a great day for us. I did allll the things I was supposed to do as My Kid's Mom - and the hurt feelings of the Ex-Wife were nowhere to be found.... except as an after thought the next morning.
I kind took that as a bit of an unconscious - albeit HUGE - step forward for me... and by associated, for the three of us. It's been really *hard* to get to this place where I don't have to think as much about *how* to handle things... now I'm just kind of 'handling' them without it making my stomach hurt, or making me cry in the bathroom with the door shut and the fan on.
That's pretty big.......
Today we hung around and then I went to the gym... even though I really didn't want to. lolol... I was slogging away on mile 8 - thinking about how much my calves were hurting, when I heard a thumping behind me. I turned and saw an older lady trapped in her elliptical.
Somehow, she had gotten off track, lost her footing and wound up with her foot and leg twisted and in between the two 'feet' of the elliptical. She had badly hurt her shoulder (landing pretty much on her shoulder and back) - and she was desperately fearful that her ankle would snap in the machine. A few minutes later another man on a bike saw us on the ground and ran over - then we lifted her up and over the machine to un-tangle her ankle.
I've looked at those ellipticals a few times, I tried it once, and quickly saw that my size and lack of coordination wasn't going to lead me anywhere but on my a$$ in no short order, so I've kept to the bike and the treadmill.... and even when it's hard and it hurts: i just keep going.
After we helped the lady get help from the people who work at the gym - instead of quitting and heading to the hot tub..... I got back on the bike and did four more miles. The "old" me would have used that intermission as an excuse to throw in the towel... but the "new" me, she's more resolved and she stayed the course. Which again... I didn't think about until *after* I was showered and driving home.
Two big steps for me in one weekend... I'll take them.... and, I'll learn from the lady who fell and stick to what I know, stick to what is safe - and I'll just keep moving forward.....
Mind you....... this surely has to be proof that exercise can be bad for you and I should throw in the towel and saddled up to a giant box of donuts... right? ... right!?!?!
Probably not. damn.
So my thoughts on the Brandi Glanville/LeAnn Rimes situation sparked a good bit of conversation.... so I thought I should provide some clarity on my views.
In the first place, I'm totally unimpressed with LeAnn Rimes. She has acted - in my humble opinion - like a spoiled brat. She seems to think she's not only entitled to the money from my wallet for her albums, but also others people's husbands as well. And *after* she got caught cheating with some else's husband, she didn't appear to feel very badly about breaking up someone's elses family - as well as her own marriage.
I've followed the story a little bit more closely since Brandi was on the same episode of The Jeff Probst Show as I was.... even at the taping though, I was surprised to find out she was still so *angry* two years AFTER the affair/divorce.
Honestly... and I mean this: please shoot me if I'm still that bitter and angry about El Capitan two years from now. May be Eddie Cibrian was *that* good in bed...
When I posted about LeAnn's recent interview - I don't know...... I mean, do you *really* think that LeAnn posted "off on vacation with my boys" just to piss off Brandi......?
I see posts like that *all* day on my facebook feeds - and honestly, I post stuff like that all the time about my own kids..... so, I guess I'm a bit naive, but I take what LeAnn posted at face value: she's excited to be with Eddie and his sons.
Now - *clearly* I understand how much that would hurt if I were Brandi. I GET it. I really do. I am *not at all* looking forward to ANY other woman "playing happy families" with my kids... in fact, I live in *fear* of it.
I don't want taking some other woman kissing their boo-boo's, tucking them in at night, taking them shopping, or anything.... I want them *all* to myself.
However, that's not the way that life works, and ...... isn't it selfish to want it that way?
Sure sure.... as Disney has taught us, there is *no shortage* of sh*tty step parents out there. I get that... but, as *life* has shown me, there is also an equal abundance of *good* step parents out there.
May be LeAnn is a liar... posting hurtful things to further punish the woman whose life she participated in decimating..... and for that she should suffer a lifetime of unhappiness.
Or.... may be she's moved on - she's happy, she loves being a step-Mom and she loves those boys.....?
Shouldn't Brandi - two years later.... be open to the idea that the later is possible?
So it begs the question.... what if this was Yoga Girl?
In the first place, at this current time, it appears that Yoga Girl doesn't want much to do with my children. From the get-go, she *never* discussed the children with El Capitan while they were "dating". This bothered me immensely from the start.... on the one hand I was *shocked* that El Capitan never talked about his children with her... like - in a good way, a concerned way or a bad way.... just: not at all.
Of course the idea of my husband discussing my kids with another woman p*sses me off to no end.... but at the same time, I was more alarmed at the idea that talking about the children in any capacity hadn't crossed his mind.
It's clear to me that when this started, this affair was *very* much about them and only them. It wasn't about our children or any kind of collective family. It wasn't about ... well, anything to do with our children.
The question is.... will it stay this way?
Will they get married? Will they have a little home of their own where they make room for the children and start to fully share in the rearing of the children? May be..... but since they currently *have* an apartment together with no room for the children at all... while that might actually happen: it won't be any time soon.
Let's assume it does happen... even years from now - will I be ok with it.....?
Well, in the first place - seeing this in my divorced future, I wrote into our parenting plan that "any romantic interest, casual or otherwise, cannot meet the children until all involved adults have met, discussed and agreed on a parenting plan relating to the rearing and discipline of the children."
Yes... my parenting plan actually say's that in my divorce papers.
Whether it's Yoga Girl or not, there *will* come a day when my children will interact with another woman in their father's company who is in an authority position to care for them. Period. It *will* happen.
Now... the *irony* is that when I explained this part of our parenting plan, I pointed out to El Capitan that one day *he* might have something to say about whatever man is in their life - and.... he actually laughed at the idea. He *laughed* at the idea that another man (any man) would want me..... good times.... good times.
The point is, it's not up to *me* what woman El Capitan brings to that table.... *that* is totally and competely out of my control - and I *hate* that. I despise it. It makes my stomach hurt. It burns a hole deep in my soul... knowing that one day another woman will play "mom' to my kids in any capacity.... but alas: it will happen.
What I *can* control is how I deal with it - and how I interact with the future "her". In that respect, it's just an important to foster *some kind* of relationship with her - as it is to have one with El Capitan. *THAT*, no matter how painful and effed up and emotionally *wrong* it is..... it IS the right thing to do for the kids.
Yes. If one day I have to sit at The Girl's dance recital while Yoga Girl claps and smiles as though she *belongs* there... as though *she* had something to do with the brilliant wonder that is *my* child...... I'll be livid p*ssed..... LIVID. P*SSED. Because Yoga Girl will NEVER 'belong' in my world.... EVER.
Yoga Girl is an intruder in my life who *ruined* everything.... she is many things: belonging isn't one of them.
However.... if it's some measure of time down the road, and she's the person El Capitan lives with.... then the reality is - in my children's eyes and hearts and minds.... she'll have a place, she *will* belong in their world.
This is where one does the 'easy' thing.... or one chooses to do the *right* thing.
It will hurt... it will suck.... but *I* will choose to do the right thing.
I will choose to celebrate any woman who tweets or facebooks with excitement about spending time with my kids... not because I'm freakin' thrilled about it... but because no doubt my *children* will be thrilled about it.
They matter more than my ego... they matter: the most.
To that end.... I have *already* offered to have a sit down with Yoga Girl - but I have thus far been turned down..... which is fine by me, but I made the genuine offer anyway.
No one moves forward in mud.... whether you're just stuck in it - or you're slinging it....
I've said it a million times... but no kid ever died because *too* many parents loved them. It might not be the family I wanted for them, it might not even be the family they deserve, but that's why you have to make the best of things and move on...
And if it's a sh*t show... then you just have to make sure you're puttin' the 'fun' in your dysfunctional family.
The last few days I've been doing some local press.... which is fun. I'm pretty sure that there won't be national press this time - and that's ok. Lightening doesn't usually strike twice.... right? lololol
Like last time - there's no shortage of people reminding me that I'm fat (which is lucky because being overweight also affects my vision and every *I* look in a mirror I only see me as a nice, perky size 10... I'm soooo glad so many kind, articulate people stepped up to tell me otherwise. phew.) - BUT.... there are also some *really* nice emails.
I appreciate those more than you know.
I'm really excited for the book signing - looks like a few people might be there - which is good... I was a bit worried no one would come.... imagine how awful that would be?
Anyhow..... I don't usually blog on Friday nights, but I wanted to post a lovely email sent in - just to show the 'haters' why I write The Blog and why I wrote The Book. It's very humbling to think that I "help' even one person... but this isn't the only email that say's something similar to this. It's really, really amazing - and I'm so grateful to think that someone feels this way about me. Truly, so grateful.
I just wanted to take a moment and thank you for writing your blog with such a commitment to real emotion. I'm an English teacher by day, closet writer by night, and I tell you the truth when I say that you have a real talent and gift for the written word. I find myself thinking of you on a daily basis, and living your journey as I would live it with a close friend. If I met you on the street, I would feel compelled to hug you and take you for a glass of wine somewhere - which would be very weird to you since you have no idea who I am. lolol
I want you to know that your words are doing more than chronicling your own journey; they are a beacon and a guide to those who travel with you, and those who who will travel after you on the same path. It is so healthy to not only *have* the emotions you have, but to have them in the pattern you have them; I can almost see the 5 stages of grief as you write.
One last thing. If I could give you any words of hope at all, I would tell you that they day is coming when your pain will be less. It took me most of my 38 years to get there, but forgiveness is huge. I used to think that forgiving meant I absolved the wrong-doers of the wrong. It doesn't. Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself, it has absolutely nothing to do with El Capitan. When you forgive his weakness, you do not say you *accept* what he did. You just choose not to be a prisoner to it anymore. You can't control what happens to you, but you can control how you react to it. I spent many years *ANGRY* (long story, I'll tell you over wine sometime...haha) and when I "forgave" I felt an enormous peace. The evil-doers don't even know I forgave them...I'm not on speaking terms with him anyway. I just let go of it all because it was tearing me up inside. And when you get there (and someday you WILL get there) you will feel whole and you will feel rested and you will feel peace. You will.
I'm rooting for you, all the way from southern Minnesota. I wish you every good thing.
Love to you,
I'm so blessed in all of this that not only does someone *feel* this way about me... but they were kind enough to write me and tell me.
I have lots of feelings... most of the time, they are kind of sh*tty feelings - I think we can all see that. So, when someone steps up and shares such an insight, then.... it helps chip away at the sh*tty.
I'm not sure I'm ready for "forgiveness" just yet.... I won't rule it out, I won't say that it'll never happen. Of course, I want to live a full life and I know that I won't be able to do that if my heart is hard and my mind is set on anger and disdain.... but that's something it's going to take a *long* time to chip away at.
At least... .it's looking that way right now. We'll see.
In the mean time - life is good. The Boy got a flu shot today - he was pretty brave... then I got my flu shot - and he held my hand and told me not to "be too scared" - then he pulled up the sleeve of my shirt pinched me *really* hard and lovingly said, "see, it'll feel like that". lololol
The kids and I hit the gym (which they *love* going to because they like playing with the other kids on the big play structure) - and today I topped out at 7 miles. SEVEN MILES!!!!!! Which brings my ENTIRE total for the week to a whopping 29 miles.... which isn't too shabby for my first week back at the gym in... well - a *very* long time.
Then I took the kids for ice-cream (and I didn't get any!) - then for pizza (I had a salad) and then we came home, ate and finished the night with a board game.
I'd say that's a pretty fantastic end to a great week.... oh, except then I went to see Breaking Dawn part II for the 13th time. lololol
Now *that* was a FANTASTIC end to a great Friday.
ps. for those following the last three weeks..... El Capitan finally got a "burner phone" and he'll be seeing the kids tomorrow.... 24 days. 24 days. I hope it goes well... but after such a long break, I'm a bit worried about how the kids will feel.... hopefully it'll be good and they'll feel good and not emotional..... fingers crossed.
Today was kind of cool.
First of all, The Boy and I got to spend the morning in St. Helens (home of the Twilight movie) and we *did* indeed find the beloved (and missing) Tinky-Winky. He was Over. The. Moon.
Then we toured the other shops in the area, spending a little bit of money in each one. St. Helens is a small town - and frankly... commerce is a wee bit scarce, so we did our part to bring some green to such a great little town.
Plus.... I got to chat with some store owners who were there for the Twilight filming and that was pretty cool for me. Just to stand where Edward stood.... lololol
The nicest part of the morning was the drive - it's 45 minutes to get there. The Boy and I talked about all kinds of things, he told me funny stories about poop and farting: boys are just so much fun. We had a great morning - and only once did he get quiet. I asked him what was wrong and he just sighed and said he missed his Dad.
Then I sighed (but under my breath and not visibly).
We had another conversation today about how friends can sometimes come and go - and sometimes a friend is even *more* fun after we haven't seen them for a while. Sometimes we have to give our friends space, even if we miss them. He mentioned some old friends we haven't seen in a while (but are still friends with) and I said: exactly.
He said nothing more, neither did I.
I try sooooo hard not to get drawn into conversations where I try to guess or explain what El Capitan is doing. The books say that I'm not *supposed* to do that. I'm not supposed to say, "Of course your Dad loves you." or, "Of course your Dad wants to see you." Because I'm *not* El Capitan (and *clearly* I haven't had a real understanding of what he's thinking) - so I should never speak for him. So I try *really* hard too... but I will admit that several times in the last week I have found myself reassuring The Boy that El Capitan loves them.
Because... I'm sure he does. There's no way he doesn't.... our kid is awesome. lolol
So, instead of "answering" for, or trying to explain El Capitan, I do that thing where I transition the conversation to generally talk about "friends" and "people who are important in our lives" and how sometimes we have to be understanding and patient - but above all, we have to remember that our friends do what *they* want to do and that usually is not *because* of us. I hope I'm not too vague with him...... At the end of the day - people WILL let him down in his life - and sometimes he can walk away from those people and sometimes he can't. I don't think he will ever want to "walk away" from his Father, so it's better to help him discover emotional tools to deal with his thoughts and feelings.... crap. I don't know - I *think* that's better?
In any case: we had a *great* morning.
I came home to an email from El Capitan..... he say's there's "nothing wrong" with having used *my* username and password to get into *my* Netflix account after we were divorced.... that there's nothing in the "Netflix User Agreement" about it.... huh? WTF? Seriously? I think that Netflix (as well as the local government) is pretty much against people who are not paying for a service illegally using someone else's account....
And then... a bunch of other stuff...... blah blah blah. I'm bored. Bored of the lies. Bored of the game where we *say* one thing and then do another.... bored, bored, bored.
Which is excellent news because I've moved from shocked to hurt to angry to scorned to bitter.... and now I'm just freaking bored by it.
He's still *refusing* to give me the cell number to his iPhone... it's a long story, but El Capitan got a second phone line *while* we were still married and AFTER I told him I could see him talking to Yoga Girl *all* day long while he PROMISED me that they weren't talking/weren't together/ that he hardly knew her. He continued to pay for TWO PHONE LINES, instead of admit to me that he lied.
Now he cancelled the one phone line and *refuses* to acknowledge that he has the other one. He say's he'll "buy a burner phone" when he afford one..... I said, this is a game. A game I am *bored* of. I have *MY* cell phone records to prove that I *rarely* call you - and hardly ever text you. I have not harassed you *at all* and there is no reason why I should have a working, current cell phone number for you. Period.
I told him this is a game and the only people being hurt at the kids who want to see him - and no one else.
As it is, the kids haven't heard from him or seen him in THREE weeks.
Then he wants to know when he can see the kids (after he buys the burner phone, of course) - because he wants to have a play-date with our kids and a friends of his kids. WHAT?
I had to pause when I read that. You see... LIFE has gone on for El Capitan.
Smooth... dinners out, holiday parties.... snuggling Yoga Girl - walk of shame breakfasts at the local pancake house: life has gone on - and HAPPILY.
If he were *really* sad and missing his kids... he would be chomping at the bit to spend time *with* them. Not just want to be *around* them. Instead, he wants to set up a time to see them so he can set up a play-date with *other people*.
I was honest with him..... the kids *need* to see him. They *need* to spend time with him and they not only deserve, but *need*, his undivided attention. What they *don't* need is play-date with anyone other than *him*. I really feel like I shouldn't have to tell him that.....
The fact that my kids want a "play-date" with their Dad at all makes my stomach hurt....
The truth is that El Capitan *doesn't* want to have to talk to me... because I don't let things slide. HE *asks* me how I'm doing... so I tell him, "I sleep in a bed with two kids, one of whom usually pee's on me at least once a week, we live in an office of someone's home, I have nowhere to get dressed, I have no privacy, I am the sole parent of two children all day and all night - and if they are sick or need their ass wiped: I'm the only one there. I have no retirement, no savings, no studio - which means my work is almost nil until the weather get's better and I can shoot outside, and the man who I thought was my soul mate betrayed me, decimated me, ruined me and then pissed on the pieces of my shattered heart while he moved in with a 22 year old. That's how I'm doing.
It's not bitter. It's not mean... it's honest. At this point we should *all* know that I am .... honest. El Capitan knows better than to ask me a question if he doesn't want an *honest* answer. I've been this way for ten years... well, actually my whole life - and there are countless friends from decades past that will tell you that this part of me has never changed. Honest to a fault.
El Capitan doesn't want to hear that... he doesn't want to give me his number, because he doesn't want *me* to be apart of his life.... that's more than evident by his actions. He doesn't want *me* around because I am a reminder of what's he's done - and people don't usually like to be reminded of their wrong doings.
So... in the end - the radio silence will be *my* fault because (as he always say's) I "say mean things" to him.... of course the fact that he *did* and continues to do "mean things" to me - is irrelevant to him.
I reminded him of that today.... that in spite of this all - I offered to work with him on his child support payments (lowering them for the time being and then he could repay the arrears later when he's working), and this was *after* he stole my Netflix and such.
Others can do what they please... but I *will* do the right thing.... or at least My Kid's Mother will do it.
(That b*tch really gets on my last nerve sometimes... I swear. loloolol)
I have LOTS of friends who think I should do other things - comments like 'press charges for stealing' or 'take him to the cleaners' or 'go back to court....' - come up all the time..... but my marriage *failed* because three people could not be in ONE marriage. The same is true here: TWO parents make for positive co-parenting - not a gaggle of adults, all with half a story, baggage of their own - and an opinion.
I think that El Capitan is listening to the stellar advice of a 22 year old who actually got him to tell me a few month ago that El Capitan shouldn't have to pay *MY* medical bills for having a full STD panel done.... um - YES - he should have - and he did. *I* didn't cheat.... he did. He broke the sacred bounds of our marriage and entered you like a kid in a candy shop. Thankfully... though a vacuous snatch that stole my life, my love and everything I held scared... it was a disease free one. Silver lining friends... silver lining!
But seriously. When we listen to our friends ... this is *only* a recipe for disaster. El Capitan knows me - and you know what - that pisses him off, because he knows I would never anything like this to him. He knows I would never lie and cheat and ruin his life. He knows that I would not continue to lie and cheat - he knows that I would never be *this* dishonest.... and so he buys into this friends bad advice and comes at me as thought I were some sh*tty ex-wife who cleaned him out... but I'm not. I didn't do that.
I don't trash his kids against him. The Blog... well, I'm simply reporting the days news - if he wanted me to report better things... then he should act accordingly.
After I sent him my email (asking again for a phone number so we can up some time with the kids) my *favorite* reporter ever called... Kai Porter! He's the KPTV reporter who did my very first story - the one that ended up on National and International TV.
He was sooooo nice. That first time that he and his photographer came out (also SUPER nice) - they were very gentle with me. I was a wreck and didn't want to really be on camera... but wanted to sell the house and TV advertising that was "free" seemed too good to pass up at the time. Kai was respectful of my feelings and he was just.... really great.
So today the photographer came out to interview me and then Kai went to the Barnes and Noble to do a live feed for the story - and I wasn't far away at a party at Jenny B's house when they facebooked me to tell me they were there. So I drove over and watched them do the live feed from the van... which was kind of cool. Then Kai asked me for a picture to put up on twitter. That was super nice, too.
So, today was a good day. I had a GREAT morning with The Boy - I held my ground with El Capitan - and I *honestly* felt bored by his strong-toned email of veiled nothingness.... and then I ended the night with someone talking about *ME* (not-so-little-ole-me) having a BOOK SIGNING!!!!!
I'm not gonna' lie.... while I'm certain there will be some *serious* bumps in my road in the very near future.... I'm really, really proud of me today. There I said it. I'm proud of me.... because I wrote a book - and it's a pretty damn good book.... and even though I *thought* I was going to curl up and die 9 months ago - tonight I snuggled up to a great guy and took a picture of a moment in time that say's: I was here, I was hurt, but I wasn't afraid to share, I wasn't afraid to be honest, I wasn't afraid to be me and take those soured Yoga-lemons and make some vodka that other people like reading about.
C'mon... who wouldn't be proud of that?
Today's a weird day for me..... I had waited *alllll* week for something, anything - ANYONE to take over this media bonanza and make it their own..... so I was thrilled (for about 1.5 milliseconds) this morning when I noticed our traffic had slowed... then I saw *WHY* and suddenly I was wishing it was just my stupid sign there on the Yahoo feed .. frankly, sometimes "no-news is good Gnu's
"..... (big ups to anyone who knows what THAT is from......)
OK...I *totally* know I was going to post about how El Capitan and I came to be... and while I'm just SURE there are hundreds of you on the edge of your seats (not) - instead I have a song running through my head and so I'm going to share my "post being dumped for a 22 year old break up mix tape". (which, if you get the bottom is totally relevant to today's horrific events. :(
When I was moving through the loss of my marriage - the loss of my best friend - the Edward to my Bella.... I listened over and over and over to "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri
. It really seemed to squeeze out every single last tear I had over a few weeks....
Then when I was ready to move on a bit it was "Somebody That I Used to Know" by Gotye
... which helped me be bittersweet about the loss, but also start carving out the idea that I should move on from someone who appeared to have so little regard for me.... and when your self esteem is currently housed in the pants of a 22 year old - trust me, having a song remind you that you're better than that is a good thing. lol
As I moved into a "healing" phase... which is *always* where I was trying to be but I would see him and it break my heart all over again... or I would find old photos or birthday cards El Capitan would write for me... and I'd be right back to my Christina Perri phase all over...
But when my heart and my mind were ready to surface and move forward together, I forged ahead a new road for myself and my theme song became, "One Day
" by Mastisyahu
.... I would play it when I was feeling sad or angry or bitter - I would listen and listen until its words pumped through my veins a'la (a much larger framed) Ally McBeal style. A mantra for how to acknowledge my pain but still move past it find my gratitude.
Today, of all days, this song seems all too relevant:ONE DAY - by Matisyahu
sometimes I lay
under the moon
and thank God I'm breathing
then I pray
don't take me sooncause I am here for a reason
sometimes in my tears I drown
but I never let it get me down
so when negativity surrounds
I know some day it'll all turn around
because all my life I've been waiting for
I've been praying for
for the people to say
that we don't wanna fight no more
there'll be no more wars
and our children will play
it's not about
win or lose causewe all lose
when they feed on the souls of the innocent
blood drenched pavement
keep on moving though the waters stay raging
in this maze you can
lose your way (your way)it might drive you crazy but don't let it faze you
no way (no way)
sometimes in my tears I drown
but I never let it get me down
so when negativity surrounds
I know some day it'll all turn
because all my life I've been waiting for
I've been praying
for the people to say
that we don't wanna fight no more
there'll be no more wars
and our children will play
one day one day this all
treat people the same
stop with the violence
down with the hate
one day we'll all be free
and proud to be
under the same
singing songs of freedom like
one day x4
all my life I've been
I've been praying for
for the people to say
that we don't
wanna fight no more
there'll be no more wars
and our children will
I just keep feeling haunted by the line "..... cause we all lose/when they feed on the souls of the innocent/blood drenched pavement
".... it seems tragically fitting.
I read a quote from one of the rescue workers talking about the people left in the theater and how different cell phones kept ringing and ringing... but obviously, the owner wasn't going to answer. How awful for the people there to bear witness to such an act of senseless violence and to the pain of knowing that someone else right then was trying to call their loved one to find out if they were .... alive.
After events like 911, Columbine and now this .... I always feel like I don't know how to smile, as if my happiness flies in the face of those tragic deaths and how *wrong* it feels to be joyful or happy when you know someone else is suffering so much.... but the truth is - whether it's a tragedy we suffer first hand, or we are just bystanders watching misery and grief overwhelm an entire town or Nation - I feel compelled to be GRATEFUL. I feel OBLIGATED to celebrate my own life.... to find JOY in my own personal misery because if I don't - then how do I DESERVE to be here when those INNOCENT people are no longer.....? No doubt they would trade places with me in a heartbeat - fat ass, cheating husband, media bonanza and all. Which is incredibly humbling in my opinion.
So tonight my thoughts and prayers are with a nation mourning for the loss of the innocent... and they are also with the "James Holmes" of the world who might be planning such a tragedy of their own and I just hope they can get help or someone around them can stop them before they do something like this..... ********* PLEASE KNOW: that in NO WAY do I think having your husband hook up with a yoga chic compares IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM with this kind of tragedy. IT DOES NOT. However, all day today I've had the same kind of feelings I had after 911 - the sort of "deer in the headlights of a National Tragedy" feeling where I'm just not sure HOW I'm supposed to feel.... I hope that's clear in the post.
You can listen/BUY
Here it is: the 'elephant' in the room... or rather, the one that HUNDREDS upon HUNDREDS of people on the internet want to say I am.... lol
I just wanted to share you with this wee nugget of wonderful humanity that arrived in my voicemail box two days ago. (It's that box to the RIGHT - click and listen if you dare!)
First and foremost.... El Capitan and I did not *ever* discuss my figure in terms of it being an "issue" in our marriage, or an "issue" between us. For the record, I have not gained 100 - 250 pounds.... I am not currently booking two seats on a plane, nor am I sewing together two pairs of pants to make one nor wearing circus tents for dresses.
Like *most* women - from size 2 to size 22, I have always struggled with my weight .... El Capitan was no stranger to my desire to be healthier. Like many families we would make the usual life changes for our family - eating more greens, eating out less, cutting back on sugar or soda, etc. As with *most* families these plans for healthy excellence would be thwarted by him working AT LEAST 50 hours a week and my running three small businesses and raising the children, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, keeping up with play dates.... etc. It just never seemed to leave enough time to go to the gym. (Also, my house was never spotless nor the laundry always done and folded .... just sayin'.)
Oh, and the Gym? Well, yes, we *have* a gym membership. I refer to it as my own personal "fat tax" - it's the money I pay every month for a place I never manage to step foot in despite all my good, honest and true intentions.
So, it's a fat tax. lol
El Capitan was familiar with my struggles on that front... but I have to be true and honest and tell you that he ended every day by giving me a kiss and telling me I was beautiful. He never judged me on my weight......Sometimes, people do what they do for their own reasons - even in a marriage - and sometimes those reasons have little to do with the important people around us.
As far my "love" for malt liquor and cigarettes... that's hilarious. I've never had a whole beer in my entire life ... by that - I mean to say that if you took alllll the alcohol I've consumed in my life, it wouldn't make a full pint, and I don't smoke.
I do, however, love pasta and rice and donuts and bread... and allll those yummy things that *should* be healthy for us but are NOT. Ok, maybe not healthy donuts - but it's so damn unfair that pasta in all its creamy curly, straight, and multi-colored forms should be BAD FOR US! And RICE - really RICE? How can that be bad for me!?!?! aaack!
Now, the man who posted that I need to put down the Twinkies *might* have a point because, if I'm being truly honest, I do love a good Twinkie, but who doesn't? However, like most people I only love them one at a time, not a box at a time.... hahahaha
So those wanting to partake in a Twinkie/booze/cigy intervention can have a seat... what I need a life/getting organized/making time for myself Intervention.
Finally, there seems to be a growing crowd of people who think because I laugh and giggle nervously through interviews, that I SOUGHT this attention, that I find it all sooo hilarious. So, I wanted to post a small window in the reality of about ... 20% of the calls I get? and about 10% of the email I get. They are laced with compliments and niceties that The Man's Voicemail is.
I laugh because, again, my size or people's comments on it don't define me. They aren't going to make me sad because I can do something about my size... people who use this opportunity to make their own vicious,insult laced commentary will have to work a lot harder to change their hearts and I only have to go the gym.
In a country were children are KILLING THEMSELVES because they are bullied for being gay or wearing the wrong clothes or whatever the h*ll it is that is being said to them ON THE INTERNET by their own peers that drives them to hanging themselves in their bedrooms because they just. can't. take. it. anymore. - when do we stop and realize that being a bully is a LEARNED behavior?1 Children learn it from their parents... so while we're all talking about the well being of *my* children - what about the well being of the children of this man? Assuming any woman actually procreated with him... what has he taught HIS children? What kind of loving example for humankind has he taught them?
We can try to save ourselves from Global Warming one recylced Coke can at a time... but we can also save ourselves from being a planet of a**holes by setting a different example for our kids.
that is all......
PS. I am amused by the assumption that El Capitan is obviously the peak of health .... right? (Mind you, he's a good lookin' fella, or at least Yoga Girl and I both thought he was.... hahahaha)
PPS... I know I said I would write the story of El Capitan and I ... but this was just weighing on my heart.
PPPS.... If the man had said, "Wow, you seem like a nice lady with a good heart and it occurs to me that your current weight might pose a health risk to you life and I want to help you carve out a healtheir lifestyle if you are interested....." - THAT is a person is actually "concerned" about me. :)
Click on the PLAY
arrow to listen.
Wow. First and foremost... WOW.
I'm so totally stunned by how kind everyone has been. I have to admit, even with my sense of humor, the first few days of alllllllll the comments about how any man would leave "Shamu the whale" was starting to get pretty old..... do these men not know they would drive me yet MORE donuts?!?! (kidding... they didn't. lol)
So, a day of posts that were *mostly* super awesome was.... just pure amazing.
I'm struck and humbled by your honesty and, really, you only have to look over the 700 heart-felt posts to see a collective of stories that is truly the backbone of being a Mother in today's world. All these women faced so many different, awful, horrible circumstances and regardless of their size, color or age they are tied together by a bond of shared pain and the ultimate desire to move the eff on. (Can I say that here.....? Too soon? lol)
I just want to say thank you..... I really wanted to respond to every single post, because I actually did read every last one (even the crappy "you're a fatty" ones... lol) - but there just isn't enough time in the day right now. :(
El Capitan and I aren't sure what to make of this media storm - I feel a bit like Dorothy and the wicked witch (also know by some posters as Yoga Witch) spun this house up good and now it's being tossed around this Media Tornado and we're just not sure where it's going to land.... guess we'll have to wait and see.
Tonight, the Media Tornado took me to the satellite doorstep of Dr. Drew. DR. FREAKIN DREW!!!! Can you believe that?!?!?! When I was a kid we used to spend summers at my Grandma's and I was a TOTAL Love Line listener! Dr. Drew... oh many night I lay awake listening to you and Adam Corolla.... tonight, I did NOT do enough listening and did faaaaar too much giggling..... haha.
I do worry that people will think that I find the affair or the divorce funny". Rest assured, I find El Capitan's affair about as humorous as mouth herpes (which thankfully I don't have) and the divorce felt like some ripped out my insides through my ears..... but, I do kind of find this whole Media Tornado funny. Why the hell does anyone care what I think? (and crowds of overweight men sitting in their tighty-whitey's nod in unison while they wipe off their orange Doritos fingers onto their Mother's couch.) Even still.... it feels oddly good to share.....
Believe me when I tell you that I put a sign in my yard to SELL MY HOUSE. The magnets were something my Mom insisted on for her friends (so she could mail them out) and then my friends wanted some... and then a few friends insisted that at least I put up the magnets just for fun.. I wondered if people wouldn't feel betrayed somehow? Mind you... I'm about as smart as a box of rocks if I hatched a plan to pay off my house with magnets that are $5.00 each. lol.... Still, some people accuse me of that and that just is NOT the case.
It's really important to me, after so many people have trusted me with their inner most hours of emotional pain that people don't think I would trade that for $5.00. Anyone who actually *knows* me, knows that I'm really crap at getting "paid". In my own business I do TONS of work for free or for heavy discounts because of different clients circumstances.... but my clients are RAD. All of them, they do amazing things for me and what they bring to my life is often faaaar more valuable than money. :) (and then a few of them are pains in the ass,... but they know who they are! hahahahaha)
Those same friends are insisting I write a blog....
So, share I shall!!!! At least until no one is visiting this blog anymore... All the judgment that happens over my marriage and my life and my choices and my parenting!?!?! I feel like it would be good to get the whole story out there.... so tomorrow I will start at the beginning..... see you there! You can read about how El Capitan barfed all over himself and yet it was still the most romantic night of my life and I kissed him anyway... barf breath and all...... (or not... because you might have gone back to reading about Tom and Katie - lol)
Thanks for reading. :)
Cannot say enough how shocked I am by allllll the media attention. No doubt we've got to be on minute.... 8 or 9 of my solid "15 minutes" of fame - and I'm fully expecting this rocket to go ass up, t*ts down and hit rock bottom soon.... but until then, some friends thought I should make my own voice heard while people are asking... Mind you - I'm still wondering why anyone care what I have to say to start with... but here goes.
We - the Ex and I, we're going to call him.... El Capitan - why? Simply because he was my "rock" and frankly... he's been a bit rough to get over. lol So, El Capitan and I aren't too unlike *most* people we know - working crazy hours trying to make enough money to make ends meet and maybejustmaybe start getting ahead.... but alas, in our attempt to get ahead we got "apart" instead... though I truly never saw this coming. (of course having someone else climb on the El Capitan didn't help matters... but perhaps another blog post on that later..... hahaha)
So, just to be clear AGAIN. We are divorced. He cheated, she's 22 and does, indeed, love yoga (and married men with kids.... just sayin'). Faced with separating our assets... lol... as if we actually *have* assets. bwahahaha - sure, I think we all know I poses amble "ass"ests.... however, in terms of financial things that courts care about we didn't have much and we decided to sell the house.
My Mom and I am spent a month and a half cleaning and packing and moving our stuff out of the house.
El Capitan doesn't yet have a "fixed" address so *I*
rented a storage unit and moved his stuff there.... - so, yeah I guess all those internet posts are right - I did "clean him out" - only, I advance paid for the storage rental and gave him the lock and the key. Clearly, I really need to work on my master plans of "revenge" and being a "b*tch" ex-wife who "cleaned him out". lol.... I appear to really suck at those things.
For my business www.totallyradcards.com
- I make cards and stuff - allll day long. When it came to selling the house, having me make the For Sale By Owner Signs - seemed like a no-brainer. My Mom came up with a nastier sign and I made it a little more "pg" and I approached El Capitan about using the signs and he thought it was a hilarious idea and we both thought it would get the house exposure. NEITHER of us thought it would be about exposure of both of us... NEITHER of us would use this dark time in our family to "dupe" people or lie to them just to sell our house....
So now here are.... the phone rings and rings and rings - and I, being a simple artist without training in public
speaking or how on earth I'm supposed to answer questions about the *most painful* time of my life.... I think I trip over my words alot.... but, first and foremost, I want to be clear that cheating is *the worst* thing someone can do in a marriage. :( The affects have been emotionally catastrophic and painful beyond words... finding out about her was the very darkest hours of my life thus far...
However, I noticed that the days I cried and cried... so did the kids - over toys and tv time and whatever. Days that I was angry - so were they: fighting with each other toys and getting frustrated over little things far too
quickly. Then... on days when I dug deep and found the strength to paint a smile on my face - the kids were smiling, too. Even if I had to fake it in the beginning, they didn't seem to know the difference and so like a perfect little circle... the more I smiled, the more joy and happiness they found - which brought me around to finding my own laughter and joy and happiness.
That's the thing. I lost my husband - and yes... I'm well aware that the size of my Lane Bryant capri pants *seems* to be a reasonable reason for this according to some online folks.... but I can assure you: as a wife, a woman and a mother I am defined by who *I* am - not my size. :) just sayin'...... :) I didn't lose myself, my kids or my sense of humor.... she took my husband - but she's not takin' *me*, and she's not taking the joy I have as a mother and the gratitude I have for my life. THAT is mine... alll mine - and only *I* have the power not to giveit up to them and their decision.
So, that's me and my first blog... and all two or three "readers" that this will actually get.... but it's nice to know someone is listening. Feel free to comment.... more posts to come later if people want them.