Four years ago today I was being prepped for surgery and we were waiting for our beautiful 10 pound baby girl to join us.
She was eager - almost three full weeks early - there was talk about her lungs, but I was pre-eclamptic and going downhill fast, so there wasn't time to wait. My Mom was with me and they wheeled us into the OR - and I was sooooo excited to get to meet my sweet and girl and even *more* excited that it was St. Patty's Day!
My biological father was born and raised in Northern Ireland - so I'm in the only "American" in my Da's family. We've never had a functional relationship... and I refrain from being public about why because he had other children whose lives I don't wish to ruin with the details of the rare kind of dirt bag he's been to me... lol
However.... I'm about as 'black Irish" as it comes. Black hair, pale skin, red cheeks, light eyes.... oh, and I can tell a story like non-other. Clearly.
I was *super* stoked for The Girl to get an Irish birthday.
Today started with a crown (that say's Irish Princess) and a wand!
Which - The Girl - was thrilled about. The Bubbie has always made her birthday dresses - and today was no different... though I think we're rounding the corner to the end of being able to stuff her into baby-doll dresses. lol She looked totally adorable... see picture above. hahahahaha
So the day started with a birthday song and lots of kisses and excited with The Girl telling me that she wanted to go to her "Princess Party......" ... sh*t. No Princess Party planned. lol I had driven around for three hours on Friday to find Disney Princess plates and napkins for her cake and stuff... I was hoping to hell a $1 crown from Target and the right plates would suffice.
We got up and got dressed.... and then we headed for birthday breakfast. When El Capitan and I split up, I wrote up in our Parenting Plan that I get the children on their birthdays - I mean... they were *literally* cut out of my own body... so I kind of felt I got to call dibs on that day. El Capitan agreed.
The run-up to The Girl's birthday I was trying to decide what we should do. He usually see's them on Saturday - and he could just celebrate with them on that day..... but I really felt like we were *past* that. I felt like we were in a space and time where we could celebrate this *family* event *as* a family. I kind of think that that's how it should be. So on Wednesday I asked El Capitan what he thought about the four of us having breakfast for The Girl's birthday. He agreed.
I *cannot* tell you just HOW excited The Girl was when I told her..... there was dead silence for a few seconds - and then she screamed and clapped her hands and jumped up and down... like- for a *while*.
Why the f*ck has it taken us this long to get here.......?
So we arrived and El Capitan was already at a table - and we ordered..... only I didn't notice that El Capitan only ordered a $2.95 side order and no actual breakfast. He said he didn't want me "paying for his food".... sigh. I think that's a silly game and I'm not taking the bait. I invited you to *family* breakfast - clearly I'm paying... get f*cking breakfast: it's not that hard. lol
But we had a *great* time at breakfast. The kids had a blast and it occurred to me that it's been almost a year since we were all together like this... *in fact* - the last time we had dinner out as a family was the Saturday before I found out about Yoga Girl *AND* was THE NIGHT that El Capitan went to her house and had sex with her.
What a "last meal" that sh*t turned out to be... lololololol
Sitting at the table. looking at once *was* and what "should be" ..... and piecing together the timeline - I should have gotten upset or mad.... but honestly: it didn't at all. Not even a little bit. I was more annoyed he would order a freakin' meal. hahaha
I brought up Yoga Girl (again) because now that we are *quickly* rounding the corner to them living together for a *year* AND.... drum roll: Yoga Girl is taking El Capitan home to meet her parents soon..... YES - that is happening. lolol
I pointed out that her family *might* wonder how it's possible that she hasn't met his children.... in fact - that's something I wonder about and something we should change. He still resists. Which is fine - it's his relationship, not mine - and I have to wait for him to think it's the "right time" with Yoga Girl to do it.
I say it's the right time.... the kids want to meet her - it's been a source of hurt and confusion for The Boy - and I think it's holding the three of them back from moving forward as their own unit. I told him that we (the adults) need to sit down and talk about discipline styles, etc - and come to agreements on how situations are handled, etc.
Then, the *THREE* of us need to introduce Yoga Girl to the children. I think it's important for *them* to see me in the same time and space as Yoga Girl - they need to understand that while I don't approve of some choices that have been made - I can *still* support the person and the role of adult/authority she would play in their lives as someone who is in a committed relationship with their Father.
I don't have to like her... I'm not the one f*cking her.... lol
That's El Capitan's job.
I do however, have a responsibility to help lay a foundation for the children to be able to find stable footing in a relationship with her and help them bond with her. If it doesn't work... well, it's not the first relationship that will have failed them and somehow I doubt it'll be the last.... BUT - if we can teach them how to be tolerant, how to be compassionate, how to be understanding that you are *NOT* going to live every f*cking thing about everyone in your life.... but you can to accept some people for who and what they are and find ways to love and befriend them anyway.
That's just how life works.
Even still.... El Capitan isn't a fan of that plan - though he agree's we should introduce her together.... just not yet. That's cool. I just don't want to be the reason things aren't moving forward.
NOW. Let's be *super* clear because people in my own life have given me tons of sh*t about this - "Should she even be around the children......?" - shouldn't I fight to keep her away from them?
In the first place... unless she beats them and sets them on fire - a judge is *not* going to keep here away from my children. Let's be real. And last time I checked she wasn't stoking up on matches, so I think I'm pretty good there.
In the second place.... she's young. Very young. I've said it since the start - people who are young frequently make choices and decisions they shouldn't. She was wrong to f*ck my husband. It does make me qustion the kind of person she is - her moral code... does she even have one? It looks a touch doubtful.... but again - she's young.
She *is* however, in a long term relationship with my children's Father and as such she is now in a role in their lives that *demands* my acceptance and support of her. I DO NOT have to support all her actions. or her past choices.... *but* - I do have to support any positive relationship she wants to have with The Boy and The Girl.
I'm pretty sure *they* want that: the kids.
So. Today, I think, might be the first step in getting that goal accomplished, which I think would be really good for all of us. However.... I *Really* want to point out that we are NOT YET done with 11 months of this hot f*cking mess.... and LOOK AT ME.
I'm all progressive and happy.... baggage free - and facilitating functional relationships between El Capitan and the kids AND.... currently enjoying my own friendship with El Capitan. BooYah. I think this is huge and not something most women who have walked in my shoes can pull off.... I'm pretty proud of myself.
My Aunt called the other day - some newsy thing did an online story on the top ten worst exes.... I was listed as number two. Sigh. Really? Honestly.... any man would be *lucky* to have an ex-wife as freakin' NICE as I have been.... yes - *I* made a funny sign that *WE* decided to use..... but it ended there. Or... here... or in a Book - that HE has had approval over the content.
See.... NICE. That's me. :)
So Happy St. Patty's Day.... and HAPPY UNITED FAMILY BIRTHDAY for our Girl... she's the greatest. :)
For the record... YES, you are reading that correctly: I did 17.5 miles today on the bike... woofreakinghoo.
Honestly, I was *kind of* expecting a ticker-tape parade when I was done... but sadly, there was none. lololol
I've been working pretty hard at this.... I'd would nearly the 50 pound mark and doing it *without* potions or pills or shakes or meal replacement... well: that's kind of a big damn deal. At least in my world it is. :)
I have a friend - Miss Erin (and we'll all be hearing more from here very soon here) who is challenging me and driving my workouts from afar. She dropped the hammer on 11 miles yesterday: so I went 13. She responded with a "goal" of 17 miles.... so I went back today and nailed 17.5. (Yes, I know I've written that twice now... hahahahha).
I *think* I might get a better workout on a treadmill......? But, I'm afraid to push things too far and irritate my knee... after all this hard work, all I need is an 'injury' as an excuse not to come back and then fall behind on all my progress. It's always seems to work that way... you know?
Anyhow. I have a specific bike that I like. The first bike in the row is *really* hard to push on an 8. The second bike in the row I can do 10 miles at a 10 in a solid 38 minutes. The third bike is a bit loosy-goosy and I feel like it's getting away from me even at an 11..... so - long, boring detailed story short: the second bike is *my* bike. :)
Yesterday the gym was *packed* and I had to wait for a bike to come open. There was also an older lady with a gym membership person waiting for a bike.... and when the first one came open I already had the paper towel and sanitizer for the woman to use (I had instinctively grabbed it before noticing there weren't any bikes open.. sigh). Then I went back and got more for when the next bike opened up for me.
The guy who got off the first bike had a laugh that I cleaned up his sweaty bike for him.. .we had that 'nod' and he walked down to the weights.
Today - I arrive *early* determined to get in my hour plus that I know I'm going to need to try to hit 17 miles - and thankfully *my* bike is open and next to it is the sweaty gym guy from the day before. I sit down and he gives me the nod... and me - clearly knowing *no* boundaries in the gym - say hello and we chat for a second.
I am *not* gym cool... lololol
He has his headphones on and I, of course, am watching New Moon while drinking from my Team Edward New Moon water bottle.... oh yeah: that's how sad I am :)
And suddenly this giant brick wall of a man comes up on my other side - he's nice, I've seen him around and I asked him a question about the treadmill the week before - and he offers me a card with a number on it. We chat for a few seconds and he heads downstairs as well. I tuck the card into my Kindle holder and look up to see Gym Guy, headphones out, and staring at me .....
"Did he just give you his phone number.......?" He asks.
"Oh, gawd no... lolol - can't you see all the other girls here - I doubt *that* man thinks I'm *his* type".... I reply.
"Umm... ok - I don't see why not.. but then what did he give you?" He asks again.
"oh, he offered to help me with some personal training stuff...." I explain.
Gym Guy doesn't seem sold on this - and we end up chatting for a while after that.... nothing like getting all red faced, sweaty and out of breath while *not* lying under a man, but instead sitting awkwardly next to him struggling to hit that 17th mile....
Did I already say how *uncool* I am at the gym?
Do people really do that....? Pick people up at the gym? I mean - isn't there some kind of 'unspoken' rule about not 'flirting' or trying to pick people up while they are working out? I should think there is... And I'm 1000000000% certain that the brick wall man really was just offering to help me. I think that's one thing I've learned about going to the gym - once people see you has a 'regular' - someone they see every day - they are nice and offer to help you... which is really, really nice. :)
I picked up the kids and we were heading home. Lately, I've been trying to talk to The Boy about going to "real school". I've been looking into some private school options - I figure if I'm willing to stick it out at home for the long hall, and I work full time - then I can afford to put them both through private school. BUT - this is something I have to warm the boy up to.....
Out of the blue in the back seat I hear a sniffling.....
"Mom.... Please don't make me go to 'real school' because the same thing is going to happen again...." The Boy cries.
"What same thing?" I ask.
"The bullies will hunt me and kick me and beat me up and call me nerd.... Like last time."......." He states.
For a second I wonder - is this an active imagination? I know he had trouble at school... but - perhaps he's just remembering it to be worse than it was? "Honey, when did you have that happen..?." I ask him.
"At Barnes mom - Austin. Every school has an Austin mom - I just know it". The Boy continues to cry.
Ah... yes: Austin.
My first introduction to Austin was when The Boy - age 5 - tells me that he and his "new friend" at school play "penis tag". I just about threw up in my own mouth... but I held it together. I asked him for details, which he didn't really provide... so I dressed him for school and called the Principal on my way in. They called in a counselor and had a meeting with him and with this kid.
Turned out that 'penis tag' involved Austin chasing down The Boy and punching him in the nuts.
Nothing happened to Austin, The Boy came home pretty much traumatized from the whole ordeal and I asked that in the future - the two boys be kept apart during recess. But... it's public school: 185 Kindergarteners - and only 9 teachers on the play ground... so then this happened:
"Today Austin grabbed my face and breathed chocolate milk breath into my mouth."
"Today Austin chased me down and punched me in the stomach."
"Austin held me against the wall and kicked me in the ankle."
"Austin pushed me down in the puddle at the slide today....."
and on it went.
In the end, after The Boy was in tears every day on the way to school - we pulled him out in March and started homeschooling him. In the two years since then, he's loved homeschooling and he's *very* social... but I worry as time goes on - as a single Mom - that both the children will need *more* that just me in their lives...
So, I'm driving and thinking about how to respond, and as I'm saying to The Boy - "Anywhere you go in life, you're going to meet people you don't like, or who you feel are going to bull you - but you just have to......."
and The Boy cuts in with this fanf*ckingtastic gem: "You know what Mom... this is happening because Dad was selfish. He chose his girlfriend over me and now we don't have a house and I don't have a room and everything had to change..... and now I have to go to school and get bullied. And that makes me angry, Mom."
Hmm... well, isn't that just rather craptastically true......? sigh.
I let the car go silent for a second.. because I want to say the right thing. He's so clear in his conviction of his father - and the truth is, where it not for our current circumstances - I would never consider anything but homeschooling him... so I'm *really* trying to find an honest argument to what he said.
In the end, while The Boy continues to cry silent little tears while looking out the window, I finally said this: "I'm not sure if that's totally true or not... we might have sent you to 'real school' one day - I honestly don't know. and, yes, you are right, things changed because Daddy made a bad decision - BUT - sometimes things in life happen that we don't like, and we have to just keep going..... we have to make the best of things because we don't have any other choice."
More silence.... then I realized that I was missing the most important part: "Actually buddy, you *do* have a choice - you can either lay down and be sad and cry and feel angry about what happened or why it happened or who you think made it happen... - which is kind of sucky way to live... - OR - you can accept things *even* if you don't like them - and just make the best of it - you have the choice to make it better... and you're really good at making things better."
I turned around to face him at the light, The Boy sniffled loud, glaring at me through his glasses with a look that I *thought* said "I call bullshit on that, Mom...." but *instead* The Boy said, "Yeah... but that's not very fair to me Mom - that's not right..... "
"I know pal... I know....." I started to say.
"But... you know - I guess that's kind of what happened to you.... so I guess I'll just have to do it, too". he stated.
Wow.... I almost couldn't drive when the light turned green. How does he put so much together?!?! How does he draw so many of the dots together to make such a clear picture of what's happening to us? You think you can shield them from everything - certain conversations, fighting, etc.... but, I'll tell you what: nothing takes the wind out of your 17.5 mile sails like a dose of reality from your 8 year old.
Oh... an in spite of voluntary promises to the contrary... Coffee Guy never called. I think I can safely assume that he *won't* call as it is no longer the 1990's and I'm pretty sure (or at least *very* hopeful) that people are no longer subscribing to the whole "The Rules" thing and waited three days.... plus: it's been four. hahaha
He was a nice guy, very sweet, great listener... but I think in the end, there were just too many crossed wires - I mean.. c'mon - I accidentally professed my 'undying love' for a virtual stranger (even if I *did* think I was writing the person it was *really* meant for.. my BFF) - and I think that that would creep anyone out. lololol
Lesson learned.... well played cyber karma... well played. hahaha
Onward and upward..... :)
Life is getting a little bit busier, leading up the book signing.... are *you* coming? lol
I'm pretty stoked about it - I'm not sure how many people are going to be there, in fact... I worry that it'll just be me, my family and a few friends... but after having my fat ass strewn across the internet for people to prey upon.... it certainly won't be the most embarrassing thing that's happened to me this year. lololol
I have a TV interview on Tuesday morning - and I was talking to the Producer on Friday afternoon and she saying that she really liked The Blog. She said she reads a lot of blogs, and mine sticks out in her mind - so much so, she's been coming back to read more outside work. (hi there!) I was kind of excited to hear that.... it's hard to know where I stand. I can see my progress (from the first blog post) - and I'm proud of that, but I still don't really feel like a 'blogger' - so it's hard to know how I'm doing compared to others. I'm looking forward to doing their show on Tuesday - it's really humbling that they asked.
On that note..... I can't remember who I was talking to the other day, but they said something like, "Oh well, this has all worked out so well for you! You must be loving all this attention and the media and The Book?"I am very proud of The Book.... but, I would trade it all in and go back to February 1st of last year and put a stop to all of this if I could.... if for no other reason: for my children.
Mind you.... now that's I'm here, I suppose it's not a crime to enjoy just a *tiny* bit of this vodka I've been making... right? lolololol
So, Friday I was busy with working with producers and whatnot. (kind of fun to say that!) - and then we had to go to the gym... even though I was tired and didn't want to. Then I took the kids to Red Robin where shakes and smoothies and birthday Sundae's were had by allll!!!!!!!1.... except for me - no need to have to go *another* 5 miles at the gym.
The Boy was super excited about it being his birthday weekend - it's odd that he's keenly aware of his own aging. He said to me, "Mom... you know, I miss being a baby.... you held me all the time and I didn't have to share or go to school and stuff."
He cracks me up.
Saturday was supposed to be "my" day with the children, because I get their birthdays in our parenting plan. I felt like, since *I* was the one who actually birthed them... then I get to spend that day with them. So... I *could* have kept them ... kept The Boy - all to myself..... but I knew that in his heart, he would want to see his Dad on his birthday, too.
However, he also wanted to "go somewhere special".... so I arranged for El Capitan to come and take them for breakfast - and I went to the gym (and did 15 miles... thank you very much... on the bike that is) - and then I headed off to The Oregon Coast.
We had a great time going to Ecola State Park - and taking the 3 mile hike to the beach. It was very lush and muddy and The Boy spent a good bit of time teaching me a few things he learned in Cub Scouts... how cute is that? Oh... and he read me the sign about Cougars in the area - and he kept calling them Kruegers.... as in Freddy Kreuger. That had me almost p*ssing my pants.
We'd be walking along and he'd say...."Remember to watch for Kreugers Mom........"
Then we drove to Cannon Beach and the kids played in the sand.... which is really crazy because we drove through snow and ice to get there - but once we were there it was nearly 50 and both my kids wanted to put on suits and get in the water.... Oregon weather is crazy.
So we dug in the sand and took a few pictures and the sun was shining..... we were: living.
It was kind of amazing, if I'm being honest... and you can see the picture proof above! lolol
Then we braved the drive home through the icey roads just in time for birthday dinner with family - and the highlight of the night was the candles on The Boy's cake that kept re-lighting themselves over and over every time he blew them out. He was out of his mind about that..... The Girl thought it was the funniest thing she'd ever seen.
It was a really great night..... which, kind of surprised me. It wasn't until Sunday that I thought about how it had been a 'first' and it slipped right past me.... the "First" birthday as a divorced family.
I was glad... and a little bit proud - that it hadn't occurred to me until the next day..... I think that that means that I'm getting *past* this finally..... right?
It wasn't until the moment passed that I noticed how important it was.... I just faced it, made the right choice (about sharing the day) - and planned a great day for us. I did allll the things I was supposed to do as My Kid's Mom - and the hurt feelings of the Ex-Wife were nowhere to be found.... except as an after thought the next morning.
I kind took that as a bit of an unconscious - albeit HUGE - step forward for me... and by associated, for the three of us. It's been really *hard* to get to this place where I don't have to think as much about *how* to handle things... now I'm just kind of 'handling' them without it making my stomach hurt, or making me cry in the bathroom with the door shut and the fan on.
That's pretty big.......
Today we hung around and then I went to the gym... even though I really didn't want to. lolol... I was slogging away on mile 8 - thinking about how much my calves were hurting, when I heard a thumping behind me. I turned and saw an older lady trapped in her elliptical.
Somehow, she had gotten off track, lost her footing and wound up with her foot and leg twisted and in between the two 'feet' of the elliptical. She had badly hurt her shoulder (landing pretty much on her shoulder and back) - and she was desperately fearful that her ankle would snap in the machine. A few minutes later another man on a bike saw us on the ground and ran over - then we lifted her up and over the machine to un-tangle her ankle.
I've looked at those ellipticals a few times, I tried it once, and quickly saw that my size and lack of coordination wasn't going to lead me anywhere but on my a$$ in no short order, so I've kept to the bike and the treadmill.... and even when it's hard and it hurts: i just keep going.
After we helped the lady get help from the people who work at the gym - instead of quitting and heading to the hot tub..... I got back on the bike and did four more miles. The "old" me would have used that intermission as an excuse to throw in the towel... but the "new" me, she's more resolved and she stayed the course. Which again... I didn't think about until *after* I was showered and driving home.
Two big steps for me in one weekend... I'll take them.... and, I'll learn from the lady who fell and stick to what I know, stick to what is safe - and I'll just keep moving forward.....
Mind you....... this surely has to be proof that exercise can be bad for you and I should throw in the towel and saddled up to a giant box of donuts... right? ... right!?!?!
Probably not. damn.
So my thoughts on the Brandi Glanville/LeAnn Rimes situation sparked a good bit of conversation.... so I thought I should provide some clarity on my views.
In the first place, I'm totally unimpressed with LeAnn Rimes. She has acted - in my humble opinion - like a spoiled brat. She seems to think she's not only entitled to the money from my wallet for her albums, but also others people's husbands as well. And *after* she got caught cheating with some else's husband, she didn't appear to feel very badly about breaking up someone's elses family - as well as her own marriage.
I've followed the story a little bit more closely since Brandi was on the same episode of The Jeff Probst Show as I was.... even at the taping though, I was surprised to find out she was still so *angry* two years AFTER the affair/divorce.
Honestly... and I mean this: please shoot me if I'm still that bitter and angry about El Capitan two years from now. May be Eddie Cibrian was *that* good in bed...
When I posted about LeAnn's recent interview - I don't know...... I mean, do you *really* think that LeAnn posted "off on vacation with my boys" just to piss off Brandi......?
I see posts like that *all* day on my facebook feeds - and honestly, I post stuff like that all the time about my own kids..... so, I guess I'm a bit naive, but I take what LeAnn posted at face value: she's excited to be with Eddie and his sons.
Now - *clearly* I understand how much that would hurt if I were Brandi. I GET it. I really do. I am *not at all* looking forward to ANY other woman "playing happy families" with my kids... in fact, I live in *fear* of it.
I don't want taking some other woman kissing their boo-boo's, tucking them in at night, taking them shopping, or anything.... I want them *all* to myself.
However, that's not the way that life works, and ...... isn't it selfish to want it that way?
Sure sure.... as Disney has taught us, there is *no shortage* of sh*tty step parents out there. I get that... but, as *life* has shown me, there is also an equal abundance of *good* step parents out there.
May be LeAnn is a liar... posting hurtful things to further punish the woman whose life she participated in decimating..... and for that she should suffer a lifetime of unhappiness.
Or.... may be she's moved on - she's happy, she loves being a step-Mom and she loves those boys.....?
Shouldn't Brandi - two years later.... be open to the idea that the later is possible?
So it begs the question.... what if this was Yoga Girl?
In the first place, at this current time, it appears that Yoga Girl doesn't want much to do with my children. From the get-go, she *never* discussed the children with El Capitan while they were "dating". This bothered me immensely from the start.... on the one hand I was *shocked* that El Capitan never talked about his children with her... like - in a good way, a concerned way or a bad way.... just: not at all.
Of course the idea of my husband discussing my kids with another woman p*sses me off to no end.... but at the same time, I was more alarmed at the idea that talking about the children in any capacity hadn't crossed his mind.
It's clear to me that when this started, this affair was *very* much about them and only them. It wasn't about our children or any kind of collective family. It wasn't about ... well, anything to do with our children.
The question is.... will it stay this way?
Will they get married? Will they have a little home of their own where they make room for the children and start to fully share in the rearing of the children? May be..... but since they currently *have* an apartment together with no room for the children at all... while that might actually happen: it won't be any time soon.
Let's assume it does happen... even years from now - will I be ok with it.....?
Well, in the first place - seeing this in my divorced future, I wrote into our parenting plan that "any romantic interest, casual or otherwise, cannot meet the children until all involved adults have met, discussed and agreed on a parenting plan relating to the rearing and discipline of the children."
Yes... my parenting plan actually say's that in my divorce papers.
Whether it's Yoga Girl or not, there *will* come a day when my children will interact with another woman in their father's company who is in an authority position to care for them. Period. It *will* happen.
Now... the *irony* is that when I explained this part of our parenting plan, I pointed out to El Capitan that one day *he* might have something to say about whatever man is in their life - and.... he actually laughed at the idea. He *laughed* at the idea that another man (any man) would want me..... good times.... good times.
The point is, it's not up to *me* what woman El Capitan brings to that table.... *that* is totally and competely out of my control - and I *hate* that. I despise it. It makes my stomach hurt. It burns a hole deep in my soul... knowing that one day another woman will play "mom' to my kids in any capacity.... but alas: it will happen.
What I *can* control is how I deal with it - and how I interact with the future "her". In that respect, it's just an important to foster *some kind* of relationship with her - as it is to have one with El Capitan. *THAT*, no matter how painful and effed up and emotionally *wrong* it is..... it IS the right thing to do for the kids.
Yes. If one day I have to sit at The Girl's dance recital while Yoga Girl claps and smiles as though she *belongs* there... as though *she* had something to do with the brilliant wonder that is *my* child...... I'll be livid p*ssed..... LIVID. P*SSED. Because Yoga Girl will NEVER 'belong' in my world.... EVER.
Yoga Girl is an intruder in my life who *ruined* everything.... she is many things: belonging isn't one of them.
However.... if it's some measure of time down the road, and she's the person El Capitan lives with.... then the reality is - in my children's eyes and hearts and minds.... she'll have a place, she *will* belong in their world.
This is where one does the 'easy' thing.... or one chooses to do the *right* thing.
It will hurt... it will suck.... but *I* will choose to do the right thing.
I will choose to celebrate any woman who tweets or facebooks with excitement about spending time with my kids... not because I'm freakin' thrilled about it... but because no doubt my *children* will be thrilled about it.
They matter more than my ego... they matter: the most.
To that end.... I have *already* offered to have a sit down with Yoga Girl - but I have thus far been turned down..... which is fine by me, but I made the genuine offer anyway.
No one moves forward in mud.... whether you're just stuck in it - or you're slinging it....
I've said it a million times... but no kid ever died because *too* many parents loved them. It might not be the family I wanted for them, it might not even be the family they deserve, but that's why you have to make the best of things and move on...
And if it's a sh*t show... then you just have to make sure you're puttin' the 'fun' in your dysfunctional family.
The last few days I've been doing some local press.... which is fun. I'm pretty sure that there won't be national press this time - and that's ok. Lightening doesn't usually strike twice.... right? lololol
Like last time - there's no shortage of people reminding me that I'm fat (which is lucky because being overweight also affects my vision and every *I* look in a mirror I only see me as a nice, perky size 10... I'm soooo glad so many kind, articulate people stepped up to tell me otherwise. phew.) - BUT.... there are also some *really* nice emails.
I appreciate those more than you know.
I'm really excited for the book signing - looks like a few people might be there - which is good... I was a bit worried no one would come.... imagine how awful that would be?
Anyhow..... I don't usually blog on Friday nights, but I wanted to post a lovely email sent in - just to show the 'haters' why I write The Blog and why I wrote The Book. It's very humbling to think that I "help' even one person... but this isn't the only email that say's something similar to this. It's really, really amazing - and I'm so grateful to think that someone feels this way about me. Truly, so grateful.
I just wanted to take a moment and thank you for writing your blog with such a commitment to real emotion. I'm an English teacher by day, closet writer by night, and I tell you the truth when I say that you have a real talent and gift for the written word. I find myself thinking of you on a daily basis, and living your journey as I would live it with a close friend. If I met you on the street, I would feel compelled to hug you and take you for a glass of wine somewhere - which would be very weird to you since you have no idea who I am. lolol
I want you to know that your words are doing more than chronicling your own journey; they are a beacon and a guide to those who travel with you, and those who who will travel after you on the same path. It is so healthy to not only *have* the emotions you have, but to have them in the pattern you have them; I can almost see the 5 stages of grief as you write.
One last thing. If I could give you any words of hope at all, I would tell you that they day is coming when your pain will be less. It took me most of my 38 years to get there, but forgiveness is huge. I used to think that forgiving meant I absolved the wrong-doers of the wrong. It doesn't. Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself, it has absolutely nothing to do with El Capitan. When you forgive his weakness, you do not say you *accept* what he did. You just choose not to be a prisoner to it anymore. You can't control what happens to you, but you can control how you react to it. I spent many years *ANGRY* (long story, I'll tell you over wine sometime...haha) and when I "forgave" I felt an enormous peace. The evil-doers don't even know I forgave them...I'm not on speaking terms with him anyway. I just let go of it all because it was tearing me up inside. And when you get there (and someday you WILL get there) you will feel whole and you will feel rested and you will feel peace. You will.
I'm rooting for you, all the way from southern Minnesota. I wish you every good thing.
Love to you,
I'm so blessed in all of this that not only does someone *feel* this way about me... but they were kind enough to write me and tell me.
I have lots of feelings... most of the time, they are kind of sh*tty feelings - I think we can all see that. So, when someone steps up and shares such an insight, then.... it helps chip away at the sh*tty.
I'm not sure I'm ready for "forgiveness" just yet.... I won't rule it out, I won't say that it'll never happen. Of course, I want to live a full life and I know that I won't be able to do that if my heart is hard and my mind is set on anger and disdain.... but that's something it's going to take a *long* time to chip away at.
At least... .it's looking that way right now. We'll see.
In the mean time - life is good. The Boy got a flu shot today - he was pretty brave... then I got my flu shot - and he held my hand and told me not to "be too scared" - then he pulled up the sleeve of my shirt pinched me *really* hard and lovingly said, "see, it'll feel like that". lololol
The kids and I hit the gym (which they *love* going to because they like playing with the other kids on the big play structure) - and today I topped out at 7 miles. SEVEN MILES!!!!!! Which brings my ENTIRE total for the week to a whopping 29 miles.... which isn't too shabby for my first week back at the gym in... well - a *very* long time.
Then I took the kids for ice-cream (and I didn't get any!) - then for pizza (I had a salad) and then we came home, ate and finished the night with a board game.
I'd say that's a pretty fantastic end to a great week.... oh, except then I went to see Breaking Dawn part II for the 13th time. lololol
Now *that* was a FANTASTIC end to a great Friday.
ps. for those following the last three weeks..... El Capitan finally got a "burner phone" and he'll be seeing the kids tomorrow.... 24 days. 24 days. I hope it goes well... but after such a long break, I'm a bit worried about how the kids will feel.... hopefully it'll be good and they'll feel good and not emotional..... fingers crossed.
Today was kind of cool.
First of all, The Boy and I got to spend the morning in St. Helens (home of the Twilight movie) and we *did* indeed find the beloved (and missing) Tinky-Winky. He was Over. The. Moon.
Then we toured the other shops in the area, spending a little bit of money in each one. St. Helens is a small town - and frankly... commerce is a wee bit scarce, so we did our part to bring some green to such a great little town.
Plus.... I got to chat with some store owners who were there for the Twilight filming and that was pretty cool for me. Just to stand where Edward stood.... lololol
The nicest part of the morning was the drive - it's 45 minutes to get there. The Boy and I talked about all kinds of things, he told me funny stories about poop and farting: boys are just so much fun. We had a great morning - and only once did he get quiet. I asked him what was wrong and he just sighed and said he missed his Dad.
Then I sighed (but under my breath and not visibly).
We had another conversation today about how friends can sometimes come and go - and sometimes a friend is even *more* fun after we haven't seen them for a while. Sometimes we have to give our friends space, even if we miss them. He mentioned some old friends we haven't seen in a while (but are still friends with) and I said: exactly.
He said nothing more, neither did I.
I try sooooo hard not to get drawn into conversations where I try to guess or explain what El Capitan is doing. The books say that I'm not *supposed* to do that. I'm not supposed to say, "Of course your Dad loves you." or, "Of course your Dad wants to see you." Because I'm *not* El Capitan (and *clearly* I haven't had a real understanding of what he's thinking) - so I should never speak for him. So I try *really* hard too... but I will admit that several times in the last week I have found myself reassuring The Boy that El Capitan loves them.
Because... I'm sure he does. There's no way he doesn't.... our kid is awesome. lolol
So, instead of "answering" for, or trying to explain El Capitan, I do that thing where I transition the conversation to generally talk about "friends" and "people who are important in our lives" and how sometimes we have to be understanding and patient - but above all, we have to remember that our friends do what *they* want to do and that usually is not *because* of us. I hope I'm not too vague with him...... At the end of the day - people WILL let him down in his life - and sometimes he can walk away from those people and sometimes he can't. I don't think he will ever want to "walk away" from his Father, so it's better to help him discover emotional tools to deal with his thoughts and feelings.... crap. I don't know - I *think* that's better?
In any case: we had a *great* morning.
I came home to an email from El Capitan..... he say's there's "nothing wrong" with having used *my* username and password to get into *my* Netflix account after we were divorced.... that there's nothing in the "Netflix User Agreement" about it.... huh? WTF? Seriously? I think that Netflix (as well as the local government) is pretty much against people who are not paying for a service illegally using someone else's account....
And then... a bunch of other stuff...... blah blah blah. I'm bored. Bored of the lies. Bored of the game where we *say* one thing and then do another.... bored, bored, bored.
Which is excellent news because I've moved from shocked to hurt to angry to scorned to bitter.... and now I'm just freaking bored by it.
He's still *refusing* to give me the cell number to his iPhone... it's a long story, but El Capitan got a second phone line *while* we were still married and AFTER I told him I could see him talking to Yoga Girl *all* day long while he PROMISED me that they weren't talking/weren't together/ that he hardly knew her. He continued to pay for TWO PHONE LINES, instead of admit to me that he lied.
Now he cancelled the one phone line and *refuses* to acknowledge that he has the other one. He say's he'll "buy a burner phone" when he afford one..... I said, this is a game. A game I am *bored* of. I have *MY* cell phone records to prove that I *rarely* call you - and hardly ever text you. I have not harassed you *at all* and there is no reason why I should have a working, current cell phone number for you. Period.
I told him this is a game and the only people being hurt at the kids who want to see him - and no one else.
As it is, the kids haven't heard from him or seen him in THREE weeks.
Then he wants to know when he can see the kids (after he buys the burner phone, of course) - because he wants to have a play-date with our kids and a friends of his kids. WHAT?
I had to pause when I read that. You see... LIFE has gone on for El Capitan.
Smooth... dinners out, holiday parties.... snuggling Yoga Girl - walk of shame breakfasts at the local pancake house: life has gone on - and HAPPILY.
If he were *really* sad and missing his kids... he would be chomping at the bit to spend time *with* them. Not just want to be *around* them. Instead, he wants to set up a time to see them so he can set up a play-date with *other people*.
I was honest with him..... the kids *need* to see him. They *need* to spend time with him and they not only deserve, but *need*, his undivided attention. What they *don't* need is play-date with anyone other than *him*. I really feel like I shouldn't have to tell him that.....
The fact that my kids want a "play-date" with their Dad at all makes my stomach hurt....
The truth is that El Capitan *doesn't* want to have to talk to me... because I don't let things slide. HE *asks* me how I'm doing... so I tell him, "I sleep in a bed with two kids, one of whom usually pee's on me at least once a week, we live in an office of someone's home, I have nowhere to get dressed, I have no privacy, I am the sole parent of two children all day and all night - and if they are sick or need their ass wiped: I'm the only one there. I have no retirement, no savings, no studio - which means my work is almost nil until the weather get's better and I can shoot outside, and the man who I thought was my soul mate betrayed me, decimated me, ruined me and then pissed on the pieces of my shattered heart while he moved in with a 22 year old. That's how I'm doing.
It's not bitter. It's not mean... it's honest. At this point we should *all* know that I am .... honest. El Capitan knows better than to ask me a question if he doesn't want an *honest* answer. I've been this way for ten years... well, actually my whole life - and there are countless friends from decades past that will tell you that this part of me has never changed. Honest to a fault.
El Capitan doesn't want to hear that... he doesn't want to give me his number, because he doesn't want *me* to be apart of his life.... that's more than evident by his actions. He doesn't want *me* around because I am a reminder of what's he's done - and people don't usually like to be reminded of their wrong doings.
So... in the end - the radio silence will be *my* fault because (as he always say's) I "say mean things" to him.... of course the fact that he *did* and continues to do "mean things" to me - is irrelevant to him.
I reminded him of that today.... that in spite of this all - I offered to work with him on his child support payments (lowering them for the time being and then he could repay the arrears later when he's working), and this was *after* he stole my Netflix and such.
Others can do what they please... but I *will* do the right thing.... or at least My Kid's Mother will do it.
(That b*tch really gets on my last nerve sometimes... I swear. loloolol)
I have LOTS of friends who think I should do other things - comments like 'press charges for stealing' or 'take him to the cleaners' or 'go back to court....' - come up all the time..... but my marriage *failed* because three people could not be in ONE marriage. The same is true here: TWO parents make for positive co-parenting - not a gaggle of adults, all with half a story, baggage of their own - and an opinion.
I think that El Capitan is listening to the stellar advice of a 22 year old who actually got him to tell me a few month ago that El Capitan shouldn't have to pay *MY* medical bills for having a full STD panel done.... um - YES - he should have - and he did. *I* didn't cheat.... he did. He broke the sacred bounds of our marriage and entered you like a kid in a candy shop. Thankfully... though a vacuous snatch that stole my life, my love and everything I held scared... it was a disease free one. Silver lining friends... silver lining!
But seriously. When we listen to our friends ... this is *only* a recipe for disaster. El Capitan knows me - and you know what - that pisses him off, because he knows I would never anything like this to him. He knows I would never lie and cheat and ruin his life. He knows that I would not continue to lie and cheat - he knows that I would never be *this* dishonest.... and so he buys into this friends bad advice and comes at me as thought I were some sh*tty ex-wife who cleaned him out... but I'm not. I didn't do that.
I don't trash his kids against him. The Blog... well, I'm simply reporting the days news - if he wanted me to report better things... then he should act accordingly.
After I sent him my email (asking again for a phone number so we can up some time with the kids) my *favorite* reporter ever called... Kai Porter! He's the KPTV reporter who did my very first story - the one that ended up on National and International TV.
He was sooooo nice. That first time that he and his photographer came out (also SUPER nice) - they were very gentle with me. I was a wreck and didn't want to really be on camera... but wanted to sell the house and TV advertising that was "free" seemed too good to pass up at the time. Kai was respectful of my feelings and he was just.... really great.
So today the photographer came out to interview me and then Kai went to the Barnes and Noble to do a live feed for the story - and I wasn't far away at a party at Jenny B's house when they facebooked me to tell me they were there. So I drove over and watched them do the live feed from the van... which was kind of cool. Then Kai asked me for a picture to put up on twitter. That was super nice, too.
So, today was a good day. I had a GREAT morning with The Boy - I held my ground with El Capitan - and I *honestly* felt bored by his strong-toned email of veiled nothingness.... and then I ended the night with someone talking about *ME* (not-so-little-ole-me) having a BOOK SIGNING!!!!!
I'm not gonna' lie.... while I'm certain there will be some *serious* bumps in my road in the very near future.... I'm really, really proud of me today. There I said it. I'm proud of me.... because I wrote a book - and it's a pretty damn good book.... and even though I *thought* I was going to curl up and die 9 months ago - tonight I snuggled up to a great guy and took a picture of a moment in time that say's: I was here, I was hurt, but I wasn't afraid to share, I wasn't afraid to be honest, I wasn't afraid to be me and take those soured Yoga-lemons and make some vodka that other people like reading about.
C'mon... who wouldn't be proud of that?
Today's a weird day for me..... I had waited *alllll* week for something, anything - ANYONE to take over this media bonanza and make it their own..... so I was thrilled (for about 1.5 milliseconds) this morning when I noticed our traffic had slowed... then I saw *WHY* and suddenly I was wishing it was just my stupid sign there on the Yahoo feed .. frankly, sometimes "no-news is good Gnu's
"..... (big ups to anyone who knows what THAT is from......)
OK...I *totally* know I was going to post about how El Capitan and I came to be... and while I'm just SURE there are hundreds of you on the edge of your seats (not) - instead I have a song running through my head and so I'm going to share my "post being dumped for a 22 year old break up mix tape". (which, if you get the bottom is totally relevant to today's horrific events. :(
When I was moving through the loss of my marriage - the loss of my best friend - the Edward to my Bella.... I listened over and over and over to "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri
. It really seemed to squeeze out every single last tear I had over a few weeks....
Then when I was ready to move on a bit it was "Somebody That I Used to Know" by Gotye
... which helped me be bittersweet about the loss, but also start carving out the idea that I should move on from someone who appeared to have so little regard for me.... and when your self esteem is currently housed in the pants of a 22 year old - trust me, having a song remind you that you're better than that is a good thing. lol
As I moved into a "healing" phase... which is *always* where I was trying to be but I would see him and it break my heart all over again... or I would find old photos or birthday cards El Capitan would write for me... and I'd be right back to my Christina Perri phase all over...
But when my heart and my mind were ready to surface and move forward together, I forged ahead a new road for myself and my theme song became, "One Day
" by Mastisyahu
.... I would play it when I was feeling sad or angry or bitter - I would listen and listen until its words pumped through my veins a'la (a much larger framed) Ally McBeal style. A mantra for how to acknowledge my pain but still move past it find my gratitude.
Today, of all days, this song seems all too relevant:ONE DAY - by Matisyahu
sometimes I lay
under the moon
and thank God I'm breathing
then I pray
don't take me sooncause I am here for a reason
sometimes in my tears I drown
but I never let it get me down
so when negativity surrounds
I know some day it'll all turn around
because all my life I've been waiting for
I've been praying for
for the people to say
that we don't wanna fight no more
there'll be no more wars
and our children will play
it's not about
win or lose causewe all lose
when they feed on the souls of the innocent
blood drenched pavement
keep on moving though the waters stay raging
in this maze you can
lose your way (your way)it might drive you crazy but don't let it faze you
no way (no way)
sometimes in my tears I drown
but I never let it get me down
so when negativity surrounds
I know some day it'll all turn
because all my life I've been waiting for
I've been praying
for the people to say
that we don't wanna fight no more
there'll be no more wars
and our children will play
one day one day this all
treat people the same
stop with the violence
down with the hate
one day we'll all be free
and proud to be
under the same
singing songs of freedom like
one day x4
all my life I've been
I've been praying for
for the people to say
that we don't
wanna fight no more
there'll be no more wars
and our children will
I just keep feeling haunted by the line "..... cause we all lose/when they feed on the souls of the innocent/blood drenched pavement
".... it seems tragically fitting.
I read a quote from one of the rescue workers talking about the people left in the theater and how different cell phones kept ringing and ringing... but obviously, the owner wasn't going to answer. How awful for the people there to bear witness to such an act of senseless violence and to the pain of knowing that someone else right then was trying to call their loved one to find out if they were .... alive.
After events like 911, Columbine and now this .... I always feel like I don't know how to smile, as if my happiness flies in the face of those tragic deaths and how *wrong* it feels to be joyful or happy when you know someone else is suffering so much.... but the truth is - whether it's a tragedy we suffer first hand, or we are just bystanders watching misery and grief overwhelm an entire town or Nation - I feel compelled to be GRATEFUL. I feel OBLIGATED to celebrate my own life.... to find JOY in my own personal misery because if I don't - then how do I DESERVE to be here when those INNOCENT people are no longer.....? No doubt they would trade places with me in a heartbeat - fat ass, cheating husband, media bonanza and all. Which is incredibly humbling in my opinion.
So tonight my thoughts and prayers are with a nation mourning for the loss of the innocent... and they are also with the "James Holmes" of the world who might be planning such a tragedy of their own and I just hope they can get help or someone around them can stop them before they do something like this..... ********* PLEASE KNOW: that in NO WAY do I think having your husband hook up with a yoga chic compares IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM with this kind of tragedy. IT DOES NOT. However, all day today I've had the same kind of feelings I had after 911 - the sort of "deer in the headlights of a National Tragedy" feeling where I'm just not sure HOW I'm supposed to feel.... I hope that's clear in the post.
You can listen/BUY
Cannot say enough how shocked I am by allllll the media attention. No doubt we've got to be on minute.... 8 or 9 of my solid "15 minutes" of fame - and I'm fully expecting this rocket to go ass up, t*ts down and hit rock bottom soon.... but until then, some friends thought I should make my own voice heard while people are asking... Mind you - I'm still wondering why anyone care what I have to say to start with... but here goes.
We - the Ex and I, we're going to call him.... El Capitan - why? Simply because he was my "rock" and frankly... he's been a bit rough to get over. lol So, El Capitan and I aren't too unlike *most* people we know - working crazy hours trying to make enough money to make ends meet and maybejustmaybe start getting ahead.... but alas, in our attempt to get ahead we got "apart" instead... though I truly never saw this coming. (of course having someone else climb on the El Capitan didn't help matters... but perhaps another blog post on that later..... hahaha)
So, just to be clear AGAIN. We are divorced. He cheated, she's 22 and does, indeed, love yoga (and married men with kids.... just sayin'). Faced with separating our assets... lol... as if we actually *have* assets. bwahahaha - sure, I think we all know I poses amble "ass"ests.... however, in terms of financial things that courts care about we didn't have much and we decided to sell the house.
My Mom and I am spent a month and a half cleaning and packing and moving our stuff out of the house.
El Capitan doesn't yet have a "fixed" address so *I*
rented a storage unit and moved his stuff there.... - so, yeah I guess all those internet posts are right - I did "clean him out" - only, I advance paid for the storage rental and gave him the lock and the key. Clearly, I really need to work on my master plans of "revenge" and being a "b*tch" ex-wife who "cleaned him out". lol.... I appear to really suck at those things.
For my business www.totallyradcards.com
- I make cards and stuff - allll day long. When it came to selling the house, having me make the For Sale By Owner Signs - seemed like a no-brainer. My Mom came up with a nastier sign and I made it a little more "pg" and I approached El Capitan about using the signs and he thought it was a hilarious idea and we both thought it would get the house exposure. NEITHER of us thought it would be about exposure of both of us... NEITHER of us would use this dark time in our family to "dupe" people or lie to them just to sell our house....
So now here are.... the phone rings and rings and rings - and I, being a simple artist without training in public
speaking or how on earth I'm supposed to answer questions about the *most painful* time of my life.... I think I trip over my words alot.... but, first and foremost, I want to be clear that cheating is *the worst* thing someone can do in a marriage. :( The affects have been emotionally catastrophic and painful beyond words... finding out about her was the very darkest hours of my life thus far...
However, I noticed that the days I cried and cried... so did the kids - over toys and tv time and whatever. Days that I was angry - so were they: fighting with each other toys and getting frustrated over little things far too
quickly. Then... on days when I dug deep and found the strength to paint a smile on my face - the kids were smiling, too. Even if I had to fake it in the beginning, they didn't seem to know the difference and so like a perfect little circle... the more I smiled, the more joy and happiness they found - which brought me around to finding my own laughter and joy and happiness.
That's the thing. I lost my husband - and yes... I'm well aware that the size of my Lane Bryant capri pants *seems* to be a reasonable reason for this according to some online folks.... but I can assure you: as a wife, a woman and a mother I am defined by who *I* am - not my size. :) just sayin'...... :) I didn't lose myself, my kids or my sense of humor.... she took my husband - but she's not takin' *me*, and she's not taking the joy I have as a mother and the gratitude I have for my life. THAT is mine... alll mine - and only *I* have the power not to giveit up to them and their decision.
So, that's me and my first blog... and all two or three "readers" that this will actually get.... but it's nice to know someone is listening. Feel free to comment.... more posts to come later if people want them.