Sorry for the silence... did anyone actually notice? lol
After a few fun-filled days in New York with the kids (again... totally AWE.SOME) - I was off to Denver to photograph my cousin's wedding to her high-school sweetheart of ELEVEN YEARS! It was bitter-sweet and romantic and wonderful......
Mostly it was hard because the families were so great - so large and close .... all these people flying in from out of town to share in this occasion.... and I did *really* really well... .I didn't cry or feel bitter or upset all... until the Father/Daughter dance... and then I went to pieces on the inside.
All I could think of was that El Capitan has robbed us *all* of the innocence of this moment. I will (most likely) not be standing on the edge of the dance floor with tears of joy in my eyes while my baby girl's Daddy holds her in his arms for the last time, spinning her around the dance floor to Butterfly Kissses......
I know that sounds dumb... but I've shot... well over 300 weddings and at EVERY. SINGLE. ONE - I would leave planning what song I would dance with The Boy to - and what kind of speech would I give on The Girls' Big Day.....
To have allll of that tainted with the stain of a 22 years olds wet sheets...... well, frankly - it's a little more than annoying - it's borderline infuriating. *WILL* our little girl grow up to respect and love her father the same as she did *before* he decided to put the emotional security of our family down a 22 year olds pants?
I'm not sure.
Experience - at HUNDREDS of weddings where many of my clients parents are divorced - tells me that this will *most likely* be a bittersweet and somewhat tainted moment for The Girl no matter how hard I try to maintain and repair all their relationships. I know this has been a hard moment for several of my bride's whose story is similar to ours.....
An affair robs a family of so much more than just security and a loving home.... it's destroys memories that haven't even been made yet......
Anyhow - all in all - I kept my sh*t together and did my job (hopefully) without anyone noticing how I was feeling on the inside... that damn stupid thing called "being a professional" - oh... and I RE.FUSE to become "That Girl" at the party/wedding/special occasion who breaks down in tears and demands everyone's attention just because El Capitan lost track of his trouser weaseland trashed my life..... I just *can't* let that happen... lololol
So, getting on my FOURTH PLAN of the week - and it was full... dammit (and at this point I'm actually *wishing* I needed those two seats booked together because we're allll crammed in like sardines!) and a older couple sit down next to me.
They are Elegant Hippies (not an uncommon breed of Hippie to Portland) .... The Wife's soft, well manicured gray hair is casually swept up, her jewelry is custom and arty and probably a little bit vintage... but her Birkenstocked feet are a dead give-away of her Portland Hippie status... She's lovely and kind and dotting on The Husband.
The Husband, however, sporting a pressed flannel (I *said* Elegant Hippie! lol) and a straw hat complete with "man-band-bow" thingy - is a douche. How do I know this.......?
The Wife and The Husband were also returning from a wedding... but The Husband had not. ONE. nice. thing to say..... "Oh.... and can you *believe* where they sat Cousin Joe.....? It's as if The Bride's family had no respect for who he is and what he's accomplished in this life...... and who are "these people" - these "mountain folk"...... Did they even *go* to college......?"
And there was The Wife, nodding her soft gray hair and patting his leg with one long, extended hand adorned with rings and bracelets that banged together while she consoled him.....
"Honestly.... and did you *see* the food? Did you *see* what was passing for *salmon*!?!?!"
He makes this statement as though somehow the caterer was serving up fried cat and no one noticed this gourmet indiscretion but him.....
And there was The Wife - consoling him - as though someone had *DIED*.
And on and on and on it goes.... for nearly an hour- The Husband bemoans the seating arrangements and the music - "Can you *BELIEVE* they only played a few SInatra songs!?!?!" - and the food and the alcohol ..... "I mean, if you're going to serve second rate beer - then just let me pay for my own instead "host" a bar of Pabst Blue Ribbon's finest.... that's hardly doing me a favor......"
Umm... WHAT? Did this man JUST COMPLAIN ABOUT THE QUALITY OF HIS FREE BEER?
Did he *JUST* insinuate that The Bride and her ENTIRE family are "uneducated white trash" simply because they put "Cousin Joe" too far away from the head table?
I'm stunned... I can't read my book or turn up the Matisyahu on my Kindle fast enough to drown out The Husbands words which are drilling my head like a million teeny, tiny Ants of Insults.....
I'm thinking about how (most likely) this couple spent every penny they had to have THE. NICEST. WEDDING they could afford and how proud they were to display their love and commitment for one another to all their "family and friends" ... and how in a WORLD where commitment is something we can write on a McDonalds napkin and toss in a bin whenever we effing feel like... how REMARKABLE it is that this couple - and hundreds of others across the country - stepped up to the Marriage Table to give it their best Olympic shot and this complete, utter tosser of a human being can't muster any gratitude for his FREE beer?
And then...... I lose it.
I had just had enough. Traveling thousands of miles with two kids.. then without my kids and facing down the reality (again) of yet more things Ive lost at hands of El Capitan.... it's all just too much and so I do the *unthinkable*... no really - I'm not usually one to say something... but it's an AN HOUR people - AN HOUR!
So I put down my book and I say, "I'm sorry, I couldn't help hearing your story (of course since The Wife is practically sitting in my lap, it's hard not to hear.....) - and I'm so sorry that you had to face such awful conditions... was it an air conditioned ballroom.......?"
The Wife snaps her sweet gray-haired head my way and The Husband looks up in surprise....... and I continue:
"I'm not sure how you suffered through such harsh conditions..... much like children who are dying in Haiti due to a lack of clean water......? You see, people - innocent babies, die in their mother's arms because they can't get CLEAN WATER... but of course that pales in comparison to your horrific issue's with Free Pabst Blue Ribbon.... I can completely understand your plight."
Four little eyes blink in the darkness of the plane and I can hear the seats in front of us and in back of us shifting veeeeeery uncomfortably. But I'm not being rude, I'm talking in the same voice of genuine concern that The Husband did in regards to the HOURS they had to wait (simply HOURS) for the food to be served while the best man "droned" on through his toast....... and I say:
"I like to call those First World Problems..... because here you are - at the end of the weekend- flying in a PLANE, comfortably strapped in while pretty ladies bring us peanuts and crackers and free drinks..... and you're going to land and drive your (I assume) nice car to your nice home - the one with doors and windows and running water and a fridge full of food.... and there are people LIVING in this First World who don't have a fridge full of food... or a place to call home.... or even - .... wait for it - a pint of FREE Pabst Blue Ribbon.....we of course won't go into those pesky Third World Problems - like food, shelter - or even the RIGHT TO LIVE period."
More blinking....... but by now mouths are slightly agape as I say, "Indeed... that Bride's family sounds seriously uneducated to me......"
No one say's a word while I put my headphones back on, but behind me I hear a male voice chuckle.... "First World Problems... accurately classic....."
And as I settle down with my book (one by Sophie Kinsella) - I realize that my heartfelt problems are really just First World Problems, too.... that may be the moments in time *will* be different, but they will still be MINE and I have the power to make them whatever I want them be or ruin them with anger and hate and resentment for what we've all lost.....
Figuratively, I raise my glass of Diet Coke in a toast to That Bride and hope that HER Husband skipped the douche gene clearly running through his family for the sake of this moment in time..... and all those important moments yet to come for them.
So today was kind of exciting.... while I making floral arrangements and bridal bouquets for my cousin's wedding - the world was watching me on The View (I *still* haven't seen it! lol).
Anyhow.... it wasn't long before I saw the tide turning on poor Scott Disick. :( I read through the FB comments on The View FB Wall and so I thought I would write a wee post to provide a little more explanation ......
First of all - the Production team at The View are.... brilliant. They were soooo great to work with and they took wonderful care of me and the kids - and my make-up lady - I personally think she should win some kind of Emmy for her work on me... lol. No - seriously - that woman must be a magician in Vegas part-time because she's got mad magic skillz! :)
Mr. Disick was the "guy guest host" for my Friday segment. Everyone was given questions to ask me - though.. it with utter shame that I admit I talked too much and Whoopi never got to ask her question... who the hell does that?!?!?! Seriously!?!? Who out talks Whoopi.... good grief!
Mr. Disick's question *was* about the kids and how they were doing.... So I want to clear that up straight away - he was asking his "co-host" question. When I replied that they were fine and hadn't seen the sign, Mr. Disick responded with the question/answer I get *A LOT* - which is - "can't the kids read the sign?".
I went on to explain that the children *can* read, but have not seen the sign and therefore are unaware of what's happening because we aren't living in the house.
Then, I think both my answer and his next question are lost in translation a bit.... *I* was explaining that we can't say in the house because we cannot afford to keep it.
Now.... let's side track just a scouch. YES, El Capitan did a terrible thing - and it cost me my soul mate and my life partner and .... a crap ton of money. However, I *DID NOT* go after spousal support. If I had gone after spousal, then I could have stayed in the home with the kids... but this, in my humble opinion, would *NOT* have left El Capitan with enough monthly funds to set up a new life for himself.
Yes.. yes - I know. This is a decision that resonates with many as a poor one on my part - and I FULLY appreciate that.... however, I am blessed with family who was kind enough to offer us a room to live in. It's nothing fancy - just a bedroom with a double bed. Most of our toys and stuff are in a storage unit... however, it's a nice wee room and the kids and I are *lucky* to even have this option (as many single Moms have NO ONE to turn to) and I am VERY grateful to be staying there. The kids are happy and safe and enjoying life - as they should be at their age.
This seemed like the best choice for everyone.... and at the end of the day - making the best choices for El Capitan *WILL* serve to benefit the children... and that is the goal: Two HAPPY, WHOLE children from ONE broken home.....
OK... back to the View.
So, I was answering Mr. Disick about where were staying and he then asks a question - which based on people's impressions online - didn't come across the way it did when he sitting next to me - which was, he wanted to know why we weren't staying in the house even though we're currently paying for it.
Which - is actually a logical question....however, we put the house up For Sale By Owner, we were hoping for a fast sale and regardless of when the house sold - the kids and I would be moving in with family - so I opted to move in NOW to give the kids a chance to settle before Summer was over - and....clearly, Mr. Disick has never tried to keep a house spotless with two kids running around... lololol :)
So, I *do not* think that Mr. Disick was asking his question from a place of rudeness or ignorance to the plight of "non rich" people.... I think he was just genuinely confused. And let's be real.... I'm *not* what people expect and my choices are *not* choices alot of people would make - I think he was reasonable in his questions.... as to his look of bewilderment... I can't speak to that because I haven't seen it yet.
He was friendly and nice to me in the make-up room..... just sayin'. :)
I do not watch the Kardashian show, so I'm not familiar with who he is - but he seemed like a nice guy to me....And anyone who thinks that money - a lot of money or a little money, makes your life perfect or wonderful or bereft of pain, or hardship..... well, that's just plain wrong. Rich people bleed the same as us "poor" people..... or as Dave Grohl once said, "Everyone shits and it all smells the same: like shit"...
It was an amazing day and I am forever indebted to the ladies at The View for giving it to me.
Now.... someone buy my damn house. PLEASE! lololololololol
Ps.... It's a bit unreasonable to assume that Mr. Disick or Ms. Kardashian would purchase my home for me just because of a misunderstanding.... lol. This is a hard road - but it's my road - and I'm going to pave it as best I can one brick at a time... But thanks for the support. lol
Wow.... (I notice I say that alot lately! lol......)
Anyhow...... it *really* has been an amazing week! It started with the kids and I getting to fly to New York City to film a short segment for The VIEW! (My episode airs THIS FRIDAY!)
Now.... I must first say that I (actualy, El Capitan and I) have turned down several "big name" day time talk shows.... as we never intended to "get famous" and I *clearly* lack any kind of media training which shows as I bumble my way through interviews.... hahaha - AND, we would like El Capitan to stay as "anonymous" as possible as we are worried about his ability to work and find new work down the road.... ;)
However, even though we *are* divorced, as this affects our *whole family*, past, present and future, I've called and talked to El Capitan about every interview offer and we've discussed what to do, and what to take each time.....
But, when The Deity calls - you simply HAVE to answer. The Deity you wonder.....? Let me explain......
The kids and I are HUGE - like Michelin Man at the end of Ghostbuster's - HUGE fans of all things Muppets. We have watched the movies and the episodes and the kids LOVE LOVE LOVE every single movie.... and as such, for several years The Boy thought that Whoopi Goldberg was "God". In their more recent Christmas movie, Whoopie plays God who sends David Arquette down to earth to help Kermit and his friends win back the theatre from Joan Cusak. So *anytime* we saw Whoopi Goldberg, The Boy would point and say, "that's God, Mommy".
Yes, in case you're wondering: I'm totally comfortable with the idea that my son would see an African American Woman as God. In fact, I was thrilled by it....
So, when The Deity called (or rather, her producer called) to ask me to travel to New York - I pretty much said yes in a "New York" minute... bad pun (sorry!).
Then I called El Capitan who was very happy to hear that the kids would get to go to New York and see the Statue of Liberty!!!!!
It was an AMAZING trip.... they sent a towncar with our driver Joseph - who the kids adored. We went to our first hotel which was located on Central Park (thanks to Bubbie and Papa who paid for that first night!!!) and the kids got to start their trip playing on the play structure at Central Park. It was just amazing and humbling and amazing... to be sitting in such a great city - all because I put a silly sign in my yard.... hard to imagine and even harder to imagine how *I* even got here!
Then the kids and I went to Times Square - which... if I'm being *totally* honest - isnt' anywhere near as cool as Picadily Circus.... :) Sorry.... but after three years in London - I'm qualified enough to say it! lol But the kids LOVED the lights and signs - oh, and the M&M and Disney Stores!
The next day we hauled our tired, hot and sticky a$$es to the Statue of Liberty. It was.... quite a moment. The Boy was very excited and seemed fascinated by how "big" she was. Mostly, the kids just played in the green space at the bottom of her feet while I lay back and take in the New York City skyline .... it was one of those moments, as a parent, that you hope your children remember forever. Also.... I think that that's the key to traveling with small kiddos - just let them take in the action however they want too. They weren't going to listen to the talking head set - the history is somewhat lost on them... so hopefully they will just forever remember Her beauty and playing and running at Her feet.... I know I will.
Then we hit up FAO Schwarz.... The Girl LOVED the piano.... which was fitting as she had "tap danced" her way through New York City - waiting for cabs, in the rain in Times Square, in the hotel lobby, in the bathroom waiting for brother to poop (because like alllll children, my son has to poop at THE. MOST. INCONVENIENT. TIMES! So, if you dare, picture me, laden down with a stroller that keeps tipping over from bags and diapers and shopping, holding my purse away from the bowl and trying to wipe a poopy butt (all while threatening certain death to either child if they touched ANYTHING in the bathroom! lol) while The Girl tap danced away to little made up songs - sung at the TOP OF HER LUNGS, naturally - just outside the stall door.
It was Single Mommy Good Times at it's best.... hahaha
Then our taping day came and Joseph came back to take us to the ABC Studio.... we got our own dressing room!!!! And they even did my hair and make-up!!!! Which... i'm pretty sure is much like putting lipstick on a pig, but I super appreciated their efforts anyway.... hahaha
And then we hit "the green room" - picture more tap dancing and several women oohing and ahhing at how cute and well-behaved my kids were (insert: for a crazy lady who puts crazy signs in her yard *here*) - and then I watched them film the Regis Philbin segment - then suddenly I was mic'd up and sent onstage.....
And I think I kind of blew it... I wasn't nearly as composed as I had been in my previous interviews... well, I *think*I giggled less than when I talked to Dr. Drew.... lol - but.... over all, there were things I wanted to say that I didn't... I'm not sure I made the best "impression".... in fact, I'm a bit worried about that now.....? Not sure how it'll all come across - do they crop things out? Do they take out some of it? I don't know yet......
All in all - YOU try sitting with a Deity and tell me how calm and collected and clear headed you are... lolololol
And then the Kardashian dude was there..... meh.
All the ladies were really, truly, nice and down to earth. Mrs. Hasselbeck came out just to meet me special - Ms. Goldberg said she was my "biggest fan" - and Ms. Behar got her make-up done next to me - SHE was sooooo funny and nice!!!!! But, Ms. Shepherd went out. of. her. way - to share with me some intimate details of her own personal struggles of her own.....
It was amazing. It's crazy how this act of betrayal can bond so many of us - it seems to create a kind of "common ground" for me with soooo many people. I'm constantly humbled (I need a new word here!) by that... and I think that that is the part of this whole crazymixed-upjourney that I like the most - all the connections I have made either through email, or comments on the blog... so many beautiful women who have risen above and replaced their broken hearts and broken homes with joy and love and happiness..... it's brilliant.
Best of all... was our trip to Ground Zero. You really can't miss it. As we walked closer and closer - my hair started standing on end - and my stomach started to hurt - and that was *before* I realised we were standing in front of World Trade Center 4. It's like deep down in your very soul, you *know* where you are and what it means.... the loss and devestation and the tears and the pain.... they still linger in the air as an almost tanigble reminder of that day.... and so it should linger there forever.
Because, as you stand there and see the city and it's people still rising up and rebuilding and moving forward (or rather, pushing forward with a few well placed fbombs because it's New York City) - it's a gentle reminder that, indeed, people DO and HAVE had it much worse than I have.... and again, if the *worst* thing that ever happens is my husband goes for a ride on a 22 year old that doesn't clearly understand the devestation she's caused - it's not ever going to compare to what 3,000 people lost that day - nor does it compare to the pain of all the people lived on those streets, worked in those surroundings buildings and what they had to bear witness to and live through..... so yeah, I must *just* be the luckiest scorned, slightly bitter woman *ever*. I'm mostly certainly GRATEFUL.... just, so, so, so, GRATEFUL.... thanks for taking this ride with me - hopefully you like "The View" as much as I do from here...... fanfreak
Wait.... when the hell did Robert Pattinson gain 100 - 200 pounds and partake in too much malt liquor and smokes and red meat......? That's the reasons people get cheated on... right? lololol
Never - in a MILLION years..... did I EVER think that I would have soooo much in common with Robert Pattinson.... and as any other Twihard Mom would tell you - my name in the same sentance as his is just simply dreamy..... however, NOT under these conditions.
It's a banner year for 22 year old piss-pour decision making..... isn't it?
Like your 22 year old girlfriend - my husbands girlfriend *also* had a thing for making out in parked cars. She would roll up at the end of his shift and they would go "parking"..... at leat that's the story I got told.
Here's a small consolation: you have picture proof.
I would kill for picture proof... lol. Some semblance of the *actual truth* and not the postdated, half-truth/half-coveringhisa** version of events that I usually get......
Either way - how junior high school is going parking? And while I totally understand that El Capitan couldn't afford a hotel room (even the rent by the hour kind.... nothing say's "love" like getting sweaty on cheap polyester seats... .right?) why the HECK couldn't this director afford a good hotel?
It really say's ALOT more about how this guy feels about your girlfriend than she realizes.... :(
And... drum roll - the director is MARRIED with TWO KIDS? Almost the same age my own kids!?!?!
I was shocked to read that.
Shocked and heartbroken..... for you and this wife and kids.... :(
I don't want to assume anything about your relationship either way... but I'll be honest, you're a yummy, yummy guy.... even if you *gain* 100 pounds AND take up the malt liquor (I assume you smoke, being a bloke and all *wink wink*) - I'll never leave you.... lol (and thousands upon thousands of women are nodding in unison with that statement..... lolol )
I will state, for the record, that I'm *tired* .... so utterly *tired* of this...... I'll pay TWICE as much to see your movie's in the future... but there's a certain 'strained-faced' actress whose movies I WON'T be paying to see at the Cinema for a while to come... (except for Breaking Dawn II - but ... hello - It's BREAKING DAWN II!!!) and.... I WILL NOT pay to see movies by a certain director.
I'm not going to send a message to these people that I think that this is OK on any level.
IF you were doing something you thought was RIGHT.
IF you were doing someting you didn't think was WRONG.
IF you were doing something you could be proud of and tell your kids about.........
YOU would NOT be parking in secluded "make out" sections of a park and pushing your 22 year old's sweaty body up against a car window.
YOU would have more respect for HER and HER CRAFT - and for YOU WIFE AND KIDS - to take THE MAN'S road and leave your wife FIRST... and then bang your hot 22 year old whever your feel like, but do it as a "FREE" man... not as a married one.
Sorry.... but I'm going to hold people who I give MY hard earned money to - to a higher standard than that.
And Rob... I'm fairly certain you and your chisled chin and perfect hair are going to come out of this *just fine*... but if you need a pick-me-up - feel free to read through the blog and see allllll the people who have already walked in these shoes.... but know that I'm very sorry for you, too.
So.... I've had a few thoughts running through my mind lately .... I haven't posted them, or even said them outloud to too many people because they are rather political in nature and I usually try to steer clear of my political opinions being too public... mind you, opinions about my cheating (ex) husband are clearly up for grabs. lol
Two weeks ago I was talking with someone about The Affair and they pointed out to me that committing adultry was one of the Ten Comandments. I had never before considered what this meant.... right? Like I *new* what those were and that Moses had two tablets and the whole schabang......
But - I had never stopped to think about *how* much adultry and murder might actually have in common... an affair results in the "death" of soooo many aspects for your life - and for most of us -it's the death of the relationship... and yet - there is NO legal punishment for divorce.
Losing my husband also means (as it does for *most* of us), a loss in medical benefits. At this point, my out of pocket for Cobra is $400 a month. I've gotten emails from women who are paying $1,800 per month!!!! So, just at MY rate, that's $4,800 PER YEAR!
If someone stole my CAR and it was worth $4,800 that would be GRAND THEFT AUTO and be a somewhat serious crime.... but steal a husband?- well... there's no GRAND THEFT DOUCHEBAGGERY law out there.
In fact - *SHE* (or he in some cases) is TOTALLY protected under the law. The spouse whose life has been SHATTERED into a thousand pieces is the one who will go to jail if they call or go the workplace of the other person.
I'm NOT. AT. ALL. saying that anyone should be allowed to "stalk" or "harass" anyone... however, I would argue that the spouse has a reasonable right to want ANSWERS. Should they not be afforded the luxury of just asking questions? Of course, that doesn't mean you get to yell at someone and call them names... but just to ask questions, like the how and the where and the why.....? For the record... when I spoke to Yoga Girl (the one time) I pointed out to her that is she had been woman enough to have sex with my husband then it required that she been "woman" enough to talk to me about it...... but I digress......
My observation is this: If someone steals my car.... they go to jail.
If you steal my husband .... nothing happens. Except for a bunch of people believing that the wife a)was always a b*tch anyway, b) got fat and drinks too much malt liquor (a personal favorite) or c) wasn't his "soul mate" and now he's found it and should be entitled to it.
Frankly.... I would rather have my car stolen. Period. (It's a Mazda 5, which I love, but the pain job is crap and it chips and scratches just by looking at it....) lol
Which brings me to my next thought...... there is much debate in our nation about Same Sex Marriage and whether or not "allowing" it degrades the state of the traditional male/female marriage. I won't say which side the fence my opinions fall... but I will politely point out that two gay men in a committed relationship didn't have any impact on my marriage at all.
I sometimes feel like we only "care" about the actual "insitution" of marriage, or the state of it - in a court room, where laws are made.
OUTSIDE of a courtroom - we quickly become totally uninterested in the "value" of the institution of marraige and instead become VERY concerned with the PEOPLE involved... right? My husband leaves for a 22 year old and *many* people are quick to give him so-called 'valid' reasons for his behavior... (see above) - WITHOUT taking into account that the 22 year old *might not* be the smokin' hot co-ed they pictured in their minds.... AND without entertaining the idea that El Capitan *might not* have been his once younger, trimmer, full-head of hairer-self. OR... that THE RIGHT THING to do was answer me the 8 billion times I asked... "is something wrong? ..... can I help you....? You seem distant - should I be worried.....?" and say, 'Yes, I'm feeling ________ about our marriage and the quality of our relantionship and we should do __________ about it.".
Because... I was right - El Capitan *WAS* disant - because frankly it's hard to be close with a 22 year old sandwiched into your marriage....
Instead, I got, "No way.... there's nothing wrong, work's just hard and I'm tired.... I love you.". Famous last words.. lol
Now, I don't know what the answer is .... I'm not saying we should start sewing Scarlet letters on people (however I have a few on hand if that's what we all decide! lolol) ... but it seems like it's easier to EXCUSE the emotional betrayal of an affair than it is to accept two chicks can be in love? What's up with that.....?
Again... i'm really *not* trying to get polical - but... where's the TRUE protection for my marriage either under the actual law or the social law? Gone are the days when the public shame would be SO GREAT that it would STOP people from doing it in the first place... so, really - there's nothing to stop people. *MOST* states are 'no fault' divorce states ... so - having an affair hasn't really had ANY impact on El Capitan OR Yoga Girl.... they have gone on with their happy little life together ......
I think that THAT is the real reason alot of women "get crazy" - because they are left to deal with everything - house, kids, life, friends, money, medical insurance, cobras, retirement... blah blah blah..... while they watch their spouse trip the light fantastic with another woman.... let's be honest - that'll bring out the bat sh*t crazy in anyone..... right? lololol
The Law, in general... cares *more* about my car being stolen than they do about the emotional security of my children and the well-being of the male/female marriage they claim to "protect"....so it leaves me wondering how NOT allowing same sex couples provides protection to male/female marriages?
Isn't it a bit a** backwards that there is a TON of discussion about the PEOPLE when the marriage falls apart... as has been the case with me and countless other men/women who fall victim to a homewrecker... but there ISN'T a VALUABLE discussion about two PEOPLE who want to get married if they both happen to be of the same sex......? Somehow we live in a society where we are *more willing* to make EXCUSES for people who completely lack a moral compas and shag married men without ANY regard to the affects that will have on the loving, trusting spouses and children.... but many of us won't even ENTERTAIN a valuable discussion with two men who want to marry? Again... not at all trying to be politcal... it's just something that's been on my mind......
Oh.... and, while I *do NOT* know her, nor do I think I have some kind of affinity with her now, but ...... I think i'm going to give the next few Ashton Kutcher movies a pass.... while I LOVE ME some Ashton (and I really really really do!!!!) I'm not going to line his cheating pockets with my money.... it's not a scarlet letter, but it's a start.......
It's hard to think that just a mere 12 days ago I was sweating my fat a** off trying to clean AS. MUCH. as I possibly could... hauling stuff to storage and hollering at a team of teenage boys who were doing yard work and odds and ends all while my Mother was painting walls and touching up door frames... all in an effort to get our house "on the market".
The weekend was coming and in the week before I had watched TWO new listings show up in our neighborhood when there hadn't been a new one in over a month.... I was starting to feel threatened by the "competition" and we became desperate to get the house 'ship-shape'.....
I went home that night and stayed up nearly allll night working on the website, adding more photos, writting up more text, going over the bills so I could add that section. Stories and tears were pouring out for hours... I don't know how much I cried that night - thinking about all the things that would never happen there ... and the little moments I'd seen and taken for granted over and over and over... that now, I would never see again. .
Where was El Capitan you ask.....? Run off by my "overbearing Mother" as one poster alleged? No.... he was at work. El Capitan works for..... El Diablo (that is one happy coincidence that those two concepts are related.... lol). El Diablo *pays* El Capitan for a salary based on a 40 hour work week... however, the MINIMUM expectation is to work AT LEAST 50 yours... though usually it's closer to 60 or more. Inspite of "working more" we actually get paid less which puts pressure on my small business's to "pick up the slack".
Anyhow.... El Diablo has had El Capitan working 60+ hours a week (or, at least he *say's* he's at work.... hahha) so it fell on me and my Mom to pack up his stuff and move it to storage for him. It was a bittersweet pill to be going through ten years of what I had thought was "wedded bliss" .... alone. Do I keep our cake toppper? Are either of the kids *really* going to use that on their own wedding cake....? What about all birthday cards and anniversary cards..... and the "World's Best Daddy" handprint canvas the kids make a year ago for Father's Day.... do we keep that? A doubled edged emotional sword plunging through the heart of what *was* leaving behind the bloody, broken mess of a heart of that is *now*.
Anyhow.... I digress (mind you, you should be somewhat used to that by now....? hahaha) - my piont is - 12 days ago I was just trying SO. FREAKING. HARD. to get our house on the market and out into the general population .... so it would sell. (not a snowballs chance of that just yet.....haha)
I had NO IDEA that 12 days later I would be sitting in a big, fancy city having flown out here with the kids for some interviews.....and they would get to see some fantastic National landmarks - things El Capitan and I never saw - nor could ever afford to take them too... that's pretty amazing. I'm not sure *what's* coming my way after all the hub-bub dies down about the sign and me and whatever.... what'll happen when traffic and the blog slows down to only my immediate circle of friends (I do have amazingwonderfulloyal friends.... I'm lucky like that!) - like - will this have been yet another catastrophic mistake as many couchpotatocritics want to claim.....? Or will it just fade away like most "cyber famous" events......?
Whatever happens then, I'll tell you that I'm sure as sh*t grateful as alllll get out for the opportunity presented to me and the kids this week - BECAUSE of said sign..... it's really been an amazing and humbling ride.... I'm
So... the kiddos... OMGosh... talk about INSANE! lol Bright lights and big city..... The Boy has declared a love for both and asked if we can move here.... ummm, no. The Girl danced her way through the park and both are lying here refusing to sleep because they can't wait to go on tomorows adventures.... my pleas of needing sleep are fallen on over-excited ears..... that's kind of magic within itself.
So, today is brilliant. There are not words for the gratitude.... more details on our trip to come....
I have to be honest and say that I feel so totally inept at this... inept is a word right.... ? lol
See, I told you: inept. (I just looked it up and it *is* a word ... phew)
Soooo many people reading my little blog here and sharing their own stories!!!! Wow. I'm just touched by how many nice thing people are saying and truly touched by so, so many of your stories.
And dissapointed by how closely our stories are in painful details and feelings.... cheating blows.
Last November I Could. Not. Wait. for Breaking Dawn Part I to come out..... ok, so I have to be totally honest and admit that I made fun of my friend Jenny-Jen-Jen YEARS ago for reading the Twilight Series. I foolishly thought it was totally beneath me at the time... after all, what could a high school students love story with a vampire have to do with my housewife life?... or Jenny-Jen-Jen's for that matter.... Anyhow, I made relentless fun of her for weeks as she read the series and in the end she said that they were good.... "but kind of for high schoolers". To which I said.... "no-duh." lololol
BUT. Then my Goddaughter Goosie came down one summer and kept talking about how her friend was 'totally in love' with some guy named Edward Cullen..... it took me a few days to figure out we were talking about the previous mentioned highschoolers vampire. And then we went to see Twilight.
After that first movie I was Team Edward All. The. Way. (and who isn't really? lol) and then Jenny-Jen-Jen got to make all kinds of fun of me.... hahaha
Twilight is wonderfulamazingbrilliant, because it captures that intense "first love" we all have. The kind of love that keeps you up at night and keeps you from sleeping and keeps you from being at all productive at work or at school... or at life in general. It makes you love-drunk..... I remember leaving the theater and thinking about lucky I was to have my very own "Edward".
In 2001, El Capitan was friends with a girl my brother had gone to high school with and one night he was having a house party and we were invited by the girl. We were supposed to be there to set up El Capitan and another one of our friends because that girl *had* a boyfriend who no one liked.... and so a plan was hatched to hook up El Capitan and that girl....
It was Novemeber 23, and the night of the Leonid Meteor shower. We walked into the house and across the entry in the kitchen I saw the most gorgeous man I'd ever seen and he had the most amazing smile.... instanly I was hooked and then as instanly I realized it was El Capitan and he was supposed to be getting set up with our friend.... crap and double crap.
I was older.... four years older than most people there (that's a whole other story for another day.... lol), and I sat at the kitchen table being snarky and jokey and my usual bubbly, mouthy, self.... and El Capitan sat next to me. So, I moved away. Like Edward - I found his "stink" to be LITERALLY intoxicating and I was having a hard time remembering that our friend was supposed to end up with him.... but he kept coming over and sitting by ME.... close to midnight our friend had lost interest and decided her boyfriend was a better bet anway (SMART move on her part... lol).
Hours passed.... El Capitan was drunk. In the UK they would call it 'steamin'. He was steamin'.... slurring his words and mixing up his jokes and his pick-up lines.... at one point he was wrestling around with one of the guys there and barfed on his BillaBong jacket....
But it was no matter to me... I was smitten.
They ran out beer (I say *they* because I don't drink... like - at all, ever. I know - it's sad, I need an intervention to START drinking - at least most of my Mommy friends think I do... lol). So, they were out of beer and we walked to the AM/PM. I was cold, so he gave me his grey and maroon stripped Abercrombie sweater to wear. We walked to the corner and back talking and sharing about our lives.... he had just come back from a failed year at OSU (ran out of money), so he was working and saving to try to go back to college.... I still remember exactly where we standing. I can show you the crack in the sidewalk where one of their neighbors trees has burrowed its way into the cement and pushed it up to one side.... and I stopped right there and said, "I can totally see you going back... you're way too smart for this place....."
And that was it. In that moment, in the dark, carrying a plastic bag of Pabst Blue Ribbon and lottery tickets..... El Capitan was mine.
He had had it rough for a years since his Mom had passed away. Instead of a support system rising up around him to help piece his heart back together - he was kind of left on his own - at least emotionally..... and there, in that moment, on the broken side walk - my assurances that he would go on to better things became a tie that would bind us for ten years.
We went back to the party and most people had left.... my friends wanted to leave... so we did. But my heart actually ached as we drove away ... isn't that dumb? But, it's totally true. So, my friends drove me home and I walked to the front door and then waited until their tail lights were distant red dots and then I dashed to my car and back over to the house party.
El Capitan was sitting on the front steps - almost as if he knew I would come right back.... and we sat there for hours, talking and laughing and kissing... yes, even with the barf breath.... lol.
Oh, and let me tell you that El Capitan has The. Most. Amazing. Lips. EVER. Full stop. They are amazing. :)
You know when you're a little girl and you see all these movies and you picture what the PERFECT date is going to be like? And allll through high school no date ever, really actually lives up to your "dream date"? Like, somehow you're always let down when the boy doesn't kick the broken glass out of your path like Lloyd Dobler?
Well, this was PERFECT. It was hands down, the most romantic night of my life.... I saw my first shooting star and right there on those steps.... I totally and completely fell in love.
El Capitan appeared to feel the same and he kept asking for my phone number over and over and over. But I refused.... I knew he wouldn't call.... I was four years older than him. *I* was looking for a husband and a family and a life... he was looking for the next beer and a washing machine for his jacket... and to get laid (which did NOT happen that night... lol). I didn't want to give him my number because I knew he would never call me... I wasn't super skinny and young and foolish like younger girls... I was older and a bit rounder and looking for someone to settle down with.
And anyway - I didn't want him to ruin the most perfect night of my life by never calling.... so I drove home at the end of the meteor shower without giving him my phone number..... or his Abercrombie sweater. :)
That night I couldn't sleep.... I just lay awake thinking about him.... so the next day I called the girl who was suppsed to get set up with El Capitan and asked if I could date him... she said yes. (bet she's glad she did now!) lol
I knew where he worked and so I drove to his work to "return his sweater" and we made a date to go the movies that night...... and that was it.
The next few days/night we would spend all our time together...... I would stare at him for hours just looking into his eyes and talking and laughing.... each minute seeming to get shorter and shorter as it didn't seem like I could spend enough time with him...
Three and one half weeks after the first night we met..... El Capitan and I were married.
Like, legally - in front a of a judge and with our family and friends in tow.... we said , "I do".
That's the bittersweet part... knowing that he's now shared those moments with HER - Yoga Girl. That they have laid together, with that same emotion and passion.... or, at least I hope they have ... otherwise, it wasn't worth ruining my marriage over.... right? I know that's a bit ass backwards and sounds alllll kinds of wrong. But.... I'm not sure what's worse: being replaced by a one night stand or a casual fling? Or... if they actually love each other.... I'll have to think on that some more.
So.... now SHE has my husband... but I still have the sweater. I have the sweater and my memories and two beautiful babies..... and, the knowledge that in the end, I was right: I shouldn't have given him my number because one day, tenish years later.... he would stop calling. lololol
I guess if you have to be something in this life.... being right isn't so bad. lol
Today's a weird day for me..... I had waited *alllll* week for something, anything - ANYONE to take over this media bonanza and make it their own..... so I was thrilled (for about 1.5 milliseconds) this morning when I noticed our traffic had slowed... then I saw *WHY* and suddenly I was wishing it was just my stupid sign there on the Yahoo feed .. frankly, sometimes "no-news is good Gnu's
"..... (big ups to anyone who knows what THAT is from......)
OK...I *totally* know I was going to post about how El Capitan and I came to be... and while I'm just SURE there are hundreds of you on the edge of your seats (not) - instead I have a song running through my head and so I'm going to share my "post being dumped for a 22 year old break up mix tape". (which, if you get the bottom is totally relevant to today's horrific events. :(
When I was moving through the loss of my marriage - the loss of my best friend - the Edward to my Bella.... I listened over and over and over to "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri
. It really seemed to squeeze out every single last tear I had over a few weeks....
Then when I was ready to move on a bit it was "Somebody That I Used to Know" by Gotye
... which helped me be bittersweet about the loss, but also start carving out the idea that I should move on from someone who appeared to have so little regard for me.... and when your self esteem is currently housed in the pants of a 22 year old - trust me, having a song remind you that you're better than that is a good thing. lol
As I moved into a "healing" phase... which is *always* where I was trying to be but I would see him and it break my heart all over again... or I would find old photos or birthday cards El Capitan would write for me... and I'd be right back to my Christina Perri phase all over...
But when my heart and my mind were ready to surface and move forward together, I forged ahead a new road for myself and my theme song became, "One Day
" by Mastisyahu
.... I would play it when I was feeling sad or angry or bitter - I would listen and listen until its words pumped through my veins a'la (a much larger framed) Ally McBeal style. A mantra for how to acknowledge my pain but still move past it find my gratitude.
Today, of all days, this song seems all too relevant:ONE DAY - by Matisyahu
sometimes I lay
under the moon
and thank God I'm breathing
then I pray
don't take me sooncause I am here for a reason
sometimes in my tears I drown
but I never let it get me down
so when negativity surrounds
I know some day it'll all turn around
because all my life I've been waiting for
I've been praying for
for the people to say
that we don't wanna fight no more
there'll be no more wars
and our children will play
it's not about
win or lose causewe all lose
when they feed on the souls of the innocent
blood drenched pavement
keep on moving though the waters stay raging
in this maze you can
lose your way (your way)it might drive you crazy but don't let it faze you
no way (no way)
sometimes in my tears I drown
but I never let it get me down
so when negativity surrounds
I know some day it'll all turn
because all my life I've been waiting for
I've been praying
for the people to say
that we don't wanna fight no more
there'll be no more wars
and our children will play
one day one day this all
treat people the same
stop with the violence
down with the hate
one day we'll all be free
and proud to be
under the same
singing songs of freedom like
one day x4
all my life I've been
I've been praying for
for the people to say
that we don't
wanna fight no more
there'll be no more wars
and our children will
I just keep feeling haunted by the line "..... cause we all lose/when they feed on the souls of the innocent/blood drenched pavement
".... it seems tragically fitting.
I read a quote from one of the rescue workers talking about the people left in the theater and how different cell phones kept ringing and ringing... but obviously, the owner wasn't going to answer. How awful for the people there to bear witness to such an act of senseless violence and to the pain of knowing that someone else right then was trying to call their loved one to find out if they were .... alive.
After events like 911, Columbine and now this .... I always feel like I don't know how to smile, as if my happiness flies in the face of those tragic deaths and how *wrong* it feels to be joyful or happy when you know someone else is suffering so much.... but the truth is - whether it's a tragedy we suffer first hand, or we are just bystanders watching misery and grief overwhelm an entire town or Nation - I feel compelled to be GRATEFUL. I feel OBLIGATED to celebrate my own life.... to find JOY in my own personal misery because if I don't - then how do I DESERVE to be here when those INNOCENT people are no longer.....? No doubt they would trade places with me in a heartbeat - fat ass, cheating husband, media bonanza and all. Which is incredibly humbling in my opinion.
So tonight my thoughts and prayers are with a nation mourning for the loss of the innocent... and they are also with the "James Holmes" of the world who might be planning such a tragedy of their own and I just hope they can get help or someone around them can stop them before they do something like this..... ********* PLEASE KNOW: that in NO WAY do I think having your husband hook up with a yoga chic compares IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM with this kind of tragedy. IT DOES NOT. However, all day today I've had the same kind of feelings I had after 911 - the sort of "deer in the headlights of a National Tragedy" feeling where I'm just not sure HOW I'm supposed to feel.... I hope that's clear in the post.
You can listen/BUY
Here it is: the 'elephant' in the room... or rather, the one that HUNDREDS upon HUNDREDS of people on the internet want to say I am.... lol
I just wanted to share you with this wee nugget of wonderful humanity that arrived in my voicemail box two days ago. (It's that box to the RIGHT - click and listen if you dare!)
First and foremost.... El Capitan and I did not *ever* discuss my figure in terms of it being an "issue" in our marriage, or an "issue" between us. For the record, I have not gained 100 - 250 pounds.... I am not currently booking two seats on a plane, nor am I sewing together two pairs of pants to make one nor wearing circus tents for dresses.
Like *most* women - from size 2 to size 22, I have always struggled with my weight .... El Capitan was no stranger to my desire to be healthier. Like many families we would make the usual life changes for our family - eating more greens, eating out less, cutting back on sugar or soda, etc. As with *most* families these plans for healthy excellence would be thwarted by him working AT LEAST 50 hours a week and my running three small businesses and raising the children, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, keeping up with play dates.... etc. It just never seemed to leave enough time to go to the gym. (Also, my house was never spotless nor the laundry always done and folded .... just sayin'.)
Oh, and the Gym? Well, yes, we *have* a gym membership. I refer to it as my own personal "fat tax" - it's the money I pay every month for a place I never manage to step foot in despite all my good, honest and true intentions.
So, it's a fat tax. lol
El Capitan was familiar with my struggles on that front... but I have to be true and honest and tell you that he ended every day by giving me a kiss and telling me I was beautiful. He never judged me on my weight......Sometimes, people do what they do for their own reasons - even in a marriage - and sometimes those reasons have little to do with the important people around us.
As far my "love" for malt liquor and cigarettes... that's hilarious. I've never had a whole beer in my entire life ... by that - I mean to say that if you took alllll the alcohol I've consumed in my life, it wouldn't make a full pint, and I don't smoke.
I do, however, love pasta and rice and donuts and bread... and allll those yummy things that *should* be healthy for us but are NOT. Ok, maybe not healthy donuts - but it's so damn unfair that pasta in all its creamy curly, straight, and multi-colored forms should be BAD FOR US! And RICE - really RICE? How can that be bad for me!?!?! aaack!
Now, the man who posted that I need to put down the Twinkies *might* have a point because, if I'm being truly honest, I do love a good Twinkie, but who doesn't? However, like most people I only love them one at a time, not a box at a time.... hahahaha
So those wanting to partake in a Twinkie/booze/cigy intervention can have a seat... what I need a life/getting organized/making time for myself Intervention.
Finally, there seems to be a growing crowd of people who think because I laugh and giggle nervously through interviews, that I SOUGHT this attention, that I find it all sooo hilarious. So, I wanted to post a small window in the reality of about ... 20% of the calls I get? and about 10% of the email I get. They are laced with compliments and niceties that The Man's Voicemail is.
I laugh because, again, my size or people's comments on it don't define me. They aren't going to make me sad because I can do something about my size... people who use this opportunity to make their own vicious,insult laced commentary will have to work a lot harder to change their hearts and I only have to go the gym.
In a country were children are KILLING THEMSELVES because they are bullied for being gay or wearing the wrong clothes or whatever the h*ll it is that is being said to them ON THE INTERNET by their own peers that drives them to hanging themselves in their bedrooms because they just. can't. take. it. anymore. - when do we stop and realize that being a bully is a LEARNED behavior?1 Children learn it from their parents... so while we're all talking about the well being of *my* children - what about the well being of the children of this man? Assuming any woman actually procreated with him... what has he taught HIS children? What kind of loving example for humankind has he taught them?
We can try to save ourselves from Global Warming one recylced Coke can at a time... but we can also save ourselves from being a planet of a**holes by setting a different example for our kids.
that is all......
PS. I am amused by the assumption that El Capitan is obviously the peak of health .... right? (Mind you, he's a good lookin' fella, or at least Yoga Girl and I both thought he was.... hahahaha)
PPS... I know I said I would write the story of El Capitan and I ... but this was just weighing on my heart.
PPPS.... If the man had said, "Wow, you seem like a nice lady with a good heart and it occurs to me that your current weight might pose a health risk to you life and I want to help you carve out a healtheir lifestyle if you are interested....." - THAT is a person is actually "concerned" about me. :)
Click on the PLAY
arrow to listen.
Wow. First and foremost... WOW.
I'm so totally stunned by how kind everyone has been. I have to admit, even with my sense of humor, the first few days of alllllllll the comments about how any man would leave "Shamu the whale" was starting to get pretty old..... do these men not know they would drive me yet MORE donuts?!?! (kidding... they didn't. lol)
So, a day of posts that were *mostly* super awesome was.... just pure amazing.
I'm struck and humbled by your honesty and, really, you only have to look over the 700 heart-felt posts to see a collective of stories that is truly the backbone of being a Mother in today's world. All these women faced so many different, awful, horrible circumstances and regardless of their size, color or age they are tied together by a bond of shared pain and the ultimate desire to move the eff on. (Can I say that here.....? Too soon? lol)
I just want to say thank you..... I really wanted to respond to every single post, because I actually did read every last one (even the crappy "you're a fatty" ones... lol) - but there just isn't enough time in the day right now. :(
El Capitan and I aren't sure what to make of this media storm - I feel a bit like Dorothy and the wicked witch (also know by some posters as Yoga Witch) spun this house up good and now it's being tossed around this Media Tornado and we're just not sure where it's going to land.... guess we'll have to wait and see.
Tonight, the Media Tornado took me to the satellite doorstep of Dr. Drew. DR. FREAKIN DREW!!!! Can you believe that?!?!?! When I was a kid we used to spend summers at my Grandma's and I was a TOTAL Love Line listener! Dr. Drew... oh many night I lay awake listening to you and Adam Corolla.... tonight, I did NOT do enough listening and did faaaaar too much giggling..... haha.
I do worry that people will think that I find the affair or the divorce funny". Rest assured, I find El Capitan's affair about as humorous as mouth herpes (which thankfully I don't have) and the divorce felt like some ripped out my insides through my ears..... but, I do kind of find this whole Media Tornado funny. Why the hell does anyone care what I think? (and crowds of overweight men sitting in their tighty-whitey's nod in unison while they wipe off their orange Doritos fingers onto their Mother's couch.) Even still.... it feels oddly good to share.....
Believe me when I tell you that I put a sign in my yard to SELL MY HOUSE. The magnets were something my Mom insisted on for her friends (so she could mail them out) and then my friends wanted some... and then a few friends insisted that at least I put up the magnets just for fun.. I wondered if people wouldn't feel betrayed somehow? Mind you... I'm about as smart as a box of rocks if I hatched a plan to pay off my house with magnets that are $5.00 each. lol.... Still, some people accuse me of that and that just is NOT the case.
It's really important to me, after so many people have trusted me with their inner most hours of emotional pain that people don't think I would trade that for $5.00. Anyone who actually *knows* me, knows that I'm really crap at getting "paid". In my own business I do TONS of work for free or for heavy discounts because of different clients circumstances.... but my clients are RAD. All of them, they do amazing things for me and what they bring to my life is often faaaar more valuable than money. :) (and then a few of them are pains in the ass,... but they know who they are! hahahahaha)
Those same friends are insisting I write a blog....
So, share I shall!!!! At least until no one is visiting this blog anymore... All the judgment that happens over my marriage and my life and my choices and my parenting!?!?! I feel like it would be good to get the whole story out there.... so tomorrow I will start at the beginning..... see you there! You can read about how El Capitan barfed all over himself and yet it was still the most romantic night of my life and I kissed him anyway... barf breath and all...... (or not... because you might have gone back to reading about Tom and Katie - lol)
Thanks for reading. :)